Accused from cheating!

[Carol]

Me and my so have been together for almost 8 months. He has always had trust issue, but I am doing my best to deserve his trust.
We have had several issues when he accused me from cheating on him, but we got over it. But this time, I really don't know what to do.

He has been stressed recently about his family (health issues) and I am all the time home, working on school stuff, ready to talk to him whenever he needs me and has time.

And yesterday, we were talking about me, having an allergic reaction on right part of my body, and he got really wierd, and sent me to bed afterwards. Today, when we were talking, I got a call from work that they need me to work on saturday. After that, my boyfriend said he recently got a feeling I am cheating on him, and didnt want to talk to me. Then we talked for a while and he said "I need you to tell me anything or we are over". I told him he is wrong and there is nothing I hide or lie about and that I am not cheating on him and never had. I asked him to tell me what made him think this, which he didnt say and kept repeating "I will talk to you when you want to tell me the truth." But I am telling the truth! What should I do? I dont want to break up, I love him and I swear I didn't do anything wrong, no lying, no cheating, nothing. What should I do to proove him I hasn't cheated? I am really desperate now, it sounds like he just won't trust me and will break up with me for nothing, absolutely nothing.
Please, anyone has any advice?

[Moon]

Unless you've actually cheated at some point, the way he's treating you is ridiculous, and in no way normal. Unless you've given him reason, you should not have to "deserve" his trust, you should have it. I don't care about whatever may have happened to him in the past, issues he may have had with anyone else should not be your issues. Without trust, you cannot have a happy, healthy LDR, it's the most important component, and no one should ever try getting into an LDR with someone they don't trust.

You need to ask yourself why you're willing to put up with this. If you've done nothing wrong, you don't deserve this crap, it's not how a normal relationship works. If you want to be with this guy, it's time to put your foot down and demand trust and better treatment, if he can't, trust me, he isn't worth your time.

[Chlo]

Hi there.
I'm really sorry your boyfriend has started accusing you like this.
There is nothing you can really do. He has to learn to trust you, or this is going to eat at you for the rest of your relationship, until you personally can't take anymore. This isn't something for you to deal with, it's his problem and maybe he needs to go and find professional help.
We all have times were we feel uneasy but he shouldn't be refusing to talk to you about it, especially if you haven't done anything. He is pushing you away for no reason. I understand that he has had issues before with trust, I think most people have, but he needs to learn to trust you or else this relationship will not work.
I know there might not be a lot of helpful advice here, but I hope you can take something away from it.
Take care of yourself

[dglynn77]

Me and my so have been together for almost 8 months. He has always had trust issue, but I am doing my best to deserve his trust.
We have had several issues when he accused me from cheating on him, but we got over it. But this time, I really don't know what to do.

He has been stressed recently about his family (health issues) and I am all the time home, working on school stuff, ready to talk to him whenever he needs me and has time.

And yesterday, we were talking about me, having an allergic reaction on right part of my body, and he got really wierd, and sent me to bed afterwards. Today, when we were talking, I got a call from work that they need me to work on saturday. After that, my boyfriend said he recently got a feeling I am cheating on him, and didnt want to talk to me. Then we talked for a while and he said "I need you to tell me anything or we are over". I told him he is wrong and there is nothing I hide or lie about and that I am not cheating on him and never had. I asked him to tell me what made him think this, which he didnt say and kept repeating "I will talk to you when you want to tell me the truth." But I am telling the truth! What should I do? I dont want to break up, I love him and I swear I didn't do anything wrong, no lying, no cheating, nothing. What should I do to proove him I hasn't cheated? I am really desperate now, it sounds like he just won't trust me and will break up with me for nothing, absolutely nothing.
Please, anyone has any advice?

Run. Away. As fast as you can.
You have done nothing wrong, and he is making you feel guilty and he is treating you badly.
Real men don't treat you like this. Find someone who respects you and will treat you right.

[Photonut]

I get the feeling that he's trying to control you by making wild accusations. He wants you to beg and plead for his love. Don't give in. You deserve so much better!

[ldrxoxo]

Me and my so have been together for almost 8 months. He has always had trust issue, but I am doing my best to deserve his trust.
We have had several issues when he accused me from cheating on him, but we got over it. But this time, I really don't know what to do.

He has been stressed recently about his family (health issues) and I am all the time home, working on school stuff, ready to talk to him whenever he needs me and has time.

And yesterday, we were talking about me, having an allergic reaction on right part of my body, and he got really wierd, and sent me to bed afterwards. Today, when we were talking, I got a call from work that they need me to work on saturday. After that, my boyfriend said he recently got a feeling I am cheating on him, and didnt want to talk to me. Then we talked for a while and he said "I need you to tell me anything or we are over". I told him he is wrong and there is nothing I hide or lie about and that I am not cheating on him and never had. I asked him to tell me what made him think this, which he didnt say and kept repeating "I will talk to you when you want to tell me the truth." But I am telling the truth! What should I do? I dont want to break up, I love him and I swear I didn't do anything wrong, no lying, no cheating, nothing. What should I do to proove him I hasn't cheated? I am really desperate now, it sounds like he just won't trust me and will break up with me for nothing, absolutely nothing.
Please, anyone has any advice?

I wouldn't put up with this type of behavior being accused of something I didn't do if I had given no indication I was.
Tell him if he keeps accusing you then this relationship isn't going to work out. Sometimes when a person accuses you, they're sometimes the one to do the cheating.

If this is coming out of nowhere, I have a feeling he may be the one cheating and trying to blame you. It's happened before. Let's hope that's not the case, but I would not put up with this at all.

Ask him if he is cheating, then he can see what it feels like to be treated that way. I'd probably react that way if it was me.

[Anoulie]

Think of how the relationship is going at the moment. Does it make you happy or does it drain you emotionally? How do his accusations make you feel?

Now think of the future. Can you see yourself being with this guy and his jealousy issues one, three, ten years down the road? Because his issues won't go away just by being with you a long time and realizing you're not actually cheating on him. If this makes you unhappy (and it seems so from your post), tell him unless he works on his issues, you're leaving him. Or, you know, just leave him.

[differentcountries]

If you think you can help him get over his insecurities, do something about it. Otherwise, get far far away because this behaviour continuing is not healthy for either of you.

[Hollandia]

Everybody has pretty much covered this. Unless you have cheated then he is way out of line, he needs to work through his issues or you should tell him goodbye. If he has this irrational fear of something that is not true, he could have a chemical imbalance of some sort causing him to have a psychotic break. He cold become dangerous and needs help if he is seeing things that are not there.

[nottheprincesspeach]

I would talk to him about his behavior and how it makes you feel. I would question if he is feeling guilty himself (if you have any other reason to, otherwise scrap this). But really, talk to him about how his behavior affects you. He should give you trust unless you have given him a reason not to have it.

[Carol]

Thank you all for your feedback, I appreciate it!

We actually had a long talk and he was trying to explain to me why he reacted how he did and also, what his fears are. I also told him how this affects me and we need to find a way to avoid it in the future. I am gonna tell him a few more things next time we talk, too. It seems like he got my point, so we'll see how it goes.

Thank you all again!

[piratemama]

I thought about not chiming in, since you seem to have a resolution in progress and since I'll be disagreeing with others somewhat. Although I do believe your SO overreacted, I can see why he might have issues in an LDR. My SO and I talk about "filling in the blanks." Anytime there is a huge gap in what seems probable and what seems to be actually taking place, I call it a blank. For example, if my SO has promised to call at a certain time, doesn't, then doesn't really explain or mention it, I have a blank space. I can choose to believe the best and give him the benefit of the doubt, or I can fill in that gap with all kinds of negative, worst-case scenarios. An LDR makes it easy to imagine all sorts of bad situations. I've asked my SO to try and keep me updated with what's going on, but I don't want to smother him or seem too needy. It's a fine line.

It might be possible your SO is filling in some blanks and only needs reassurance. Of course, the best way to deal with such situations is to simply ask you about them, but I've seen times that didn't work. There have been times when I really did believe my SO was seeing someone else as it seemed the only plausible explanation for a behavior, but then my SO would explain what happened. Fortunately, I usually keep my fears to myself, but they eat at me. It's part of the LDR experience, and I've been trying hard to work on assuming the best unless otherwise proven wrong.

From miles away, situations don't always appear to be the reality they actually are. I suggest discussing boundaries with him and make him feel open to talking with you. One thing I do with my SO to help him is to screen share and show him my emails, sent messages, and deleted messages. I don't do Facebook or he'd have my password. In all the times I've done this, he's never reciprocated. I sure would love it if he did, but I know that's not a reasonable expectation. I don't ask and won't. I have to answer for my actions.

It's not easy to trust anyone, no matter how good, when there are so many miles between you. I struggle with it daily. I know others will tell me I'm wrong and going overboard, but I did want to give you the other side to it. I, too, have lots of past hurts that affect this jealousy/trust issue. When you love someone you are willing to work through those difficult times, as long as he is willing to do his share, too. Feel free to PM anytime, if you'd like to talk.

[Dezface]

I'm kind of bothered by the "he sent me to bed" part.

[melarie]

I'm kind of bothered by the "he sent me to bed" part.

Agreed. I'm surprised you're the first to mention it.

That, paired with the crazy accusations and the almost parental manipulation to get you to confess (saying he'll talk to you when you can tell the truth), he sounds controlling and though I hate to say it, potentially abusive. If he's like this all the time. But I do think piratemama was on the right track if you want to fix this, especially with the part about filling in the blanks. Figure out how he came to that conclusion and then make sure you fill in each others blanks. If he's not willing to work with you on that, there's really nothing you can do because as others have said, it's his problem, not so much yours.

[OrKing]

Agreed. I'm surprised you're the first to mention it.

I'm kind of bothered by the "he sent me to bed" part.

She said in her intro thread that she's from Europe and since us British don't tend to say we're from Europe I assume she's from elsewhere and thus maybe English is her second language, so maybe the meaning behind that sentence was just lost in translation. It's hard to tell though, your grammar is great Carol. Oh, and I always thought of Carol as a Western name, so that just adds to the confusion, lol.