Do you feel you put in more effort than your SO?

[Sanja]

I usually put a little more effort. I write him letters, send just because cards, send cute pictures and such. He has done things for me as well, but I don't expect him to write me letters because that is just not who he is. I know he loves me as much as I love him and that is what's most important to me.

[peppypenguin]

I used to try to fill every single minute with either conversation or an activity we could do together, like playing a game or skyping, because I feared if I didn't, he'd get bored of me. He seemed to be bothered by it, because he was! I put far too much pressure on him doing what I wanted to do that I didn't realize he needs time to relax and not doing anything.

So we had to find something that would give us the feeling of being together without doing the same thing at the same time. Our thing was and still is TeamSpeak - a free, low ressource requiring (which basically means you can leave it on while playing games and they won't be affected by it) voice chat program! It gives you the possibility to set up your own server on your computer that you can secure with a password so you can decide who joins it. For us it worked wonders. I turn on the server, when I come home from work and he joins when he comes home. Then we sit at our computers and both do what we want to do, but at the same time we talk to each other whenever we feel like it.

We made a compromise that when I want to play something or I feel like I need a little more attention from him, I simply ask him if he wants to do such and such and if he doesn't want to, he tells me and I respect that. He on the other hand will try to make some time for me, maybe not the same day, but then the next day, to give me the attention or do the thing I wanted to do.

I'll definitely have to check TeamSpeak out!

And yeah I know it can be a gender differences thing with the activities thing, it's just frustrating sometimes! But yeah you're right about it needing to be a compromise. Because sometimes I need to let off because he needs to sometimes NOT do that stuff, but sometimes he needs to make the effort because it's something that I do need

[Sora1101]

I know know for a fact I put more effort in than my SO. He's a lazy bum who goes with the flow and I love him for that.

But seriously, if I didn't take the initiative most things would never have been done/said/planned and I've learned to live with that.

[RachelAnne]

I feel like we both put in an equal amount of effort, but in different ways.

[Dezface]

No, I feel we both put in an equal amount and always have. In fact, if I had to choose between us, I'd say he puts in more effort. The entire reason we're together is the effort he's put into absolutely every aspect of our relationship.

[squeeker]

I think we put in the same amount of effort, but in different times. And maybe at one point in our relationship, someone might put in more, but then the next moment, the other one of us is putting in more. I think if you think of it as unbalanced then you might regret things.. do things because you WANT to do them, whether or not your partner does more or less, it doesn't matter.. and it will be okay.

Like awhile ago, I realized that just because my SO doesn't care to do the more girly pictures or cards or whatever, doesn't mean I can't. I tend to do them for myself, because I like to, and send them, but I don't think he has to do them, because he shows me he cares in other ways. It's all about knowing that your partner does care, and when you do something for them, you do it because you love them, not because you expect them to do the same in return. Though both people should be invested in the relationship, and do their part, but people can do their 'part' and show their love in different ways, as people here have already explained.

[Luc]

I do these things. They aren't my SO's type of thing. He is also super busy. I just feel like guys aren't into doing these things because they've been told their whole life they are girly and to shut up about it. I mean, yes, it would be nice, and hopefully with some pushing we can get something. I totally get this. I think it is a gender thing at least in part.

I guess that means I'm the girl in my relationship and my girlfriend is the guy. Cause in our relationship it's usually me who constantly has to adjust his schedule and keep in mind when my SO is or can be on in order for me to be able to see her, and it's often me who suggests to do stuff together, while she often doesn't feel like it, she just wants to talk on Skype most of the time (which is fine, Skyping with webcam is awesome, but I'd like to mix it up a little every now and then).

While at surface it might seem I put a lot more effort into my relationship than my SO does, I know that this isn't the case, because my SO puts a lot of effort into our relationship in a different way. She's always there for me when I need her. When I'm dealing with a lot of stress (which I am lately), she's there for me. When I need someone to talk to, she's there for me. When I feel down, she's there for me. On top of that she likes to spoil me in ways that I would only be allowed to describe in the Adult-only corner of this forum, such as sending me rather revealing pictures of herself on her phone or doing certain adult-themed things on the webcam.

[piratemama]

I like what you said there. I guess I easily forget that even if he doesn't show his love in the same way I do it doesn't mean he doesn't show it.
He always makes time for me, to him it is natural that we talk every day and when I am down he puts alot of effort in cheering me up and making me smile. This is something I am not as good at because mostly I am just starting feeling down too when he is sad.

But sometimes I feel like since we don't have the chance to see each other because of the distance there should be something else, like a replacement for the things you do in a "normal" relationship. Just talking on skype once a day isn't enough for me. But to him it is, so I don't know how to explain him how I feel.
I don't want to force him to send me letters or think of little things to express his love - that wouldn't feel nice either obviously.

Maybe I am just bad at understanding him in this point because I love doing those things so much. It makes me happy to do something for him, maybe even happier than him.

I understand what you mean. Sometimes I crave more emails or a love letter from my SO, but he isn't much for words, esp. the written kind. He has written me a couple of love letters, though, when I asked him to. I think this comes down to a difference in the person's love language. Some people show love differently; as that is how they basically are, it's hard for them to do it differently. I bet if you asked, he would write something for you.

[Heavenly_Love12]

I think my SO and I both put in equal effort but that wasn't always the case. My SO didn't understand the importance of having actual phone or skype conversations a couple times a week and trying to do some activity together until I explained it to him. Now we both make an effort and it works out really well. There are times when one of us may do more than the other due to having more free time or something but it should not be a one-sided occurrence regularly. At the very least, talk to your SO about what you would like and/or expect. If he isn't willing to do more then you either have to accept that or continue to try and have him understand.

[jana89]

I usually put a little more effort. I write him letters, send just because cards, send cute pictures and such. He has done things for me as well, but I don't expect him to write me letters because that is just not who he is. I know he loves me as much as I love him and that is what's most important to me.

Second this! My SO is very supportive and caring, but also busy and when he saves some time, he is not much into writing letters or making videos for me. I used to be disappointed over it, but I think I´m getting used to that. He is great when we are together, thinks a lot about stuff we can do together and introduces me to his friends. In the same time, while apart, he would want me to do some stuff that I´m not willing to do and he accepts that. Simply put, we have to accept that we are different and learn to respect that.

[CanadianGirl]

I think we both put in an equal amount of effort. I've always been big on DIY (and also currently a full-time student with almost no income..), so I'll send him a thing I made or a handmade card every now and then. He works full time and sends me little presents just as often. I think of the two of us, he makes cheesy look way better than I do . I'd love to get a handmade present, but he's never picked up those skills, so I don't expect that from him. Even though he works full time, he always texts me throughout the day. I'm busy with school, but he plans out visits and things to do and puts money aside for them.

[Atreyu]

With previous relationships Yes.

With my SO, No not at all. She has shown me the most effort anyone ever showed me.

But how did I tried to fix it with the previous relationships? Well, I tried to talk about it, not keep it for myself, just be honest about it and straight forwarded. Because it's very important to communicate.

But sometimes you have to wonder, if the effort isn't there, are you important enough? Or does he/she love you as much as you love them?
Or is it just a thing he / she can't provide? Sometimes it can be hard when you don't have the same values, feelings or inner experience as the other.
So, it can be anything really. But it is learn-able. And It is possible to work on!

Good luck

[Yaaamiii]

But sometimes I feel like since we don't have the chance to see each other because of the distance there should be something else, like a replacement for the things you do in a "normal" relationship. Just talking on skype once a day isn't enough for me. But to him it is, so I don't know how to explain him how I feel.

I'm the same way. I always feel like something is missing and after reading The Five Love Languages, I finally know what that something is! For me it's touch, which is one of the five love languages. If I don't feel his touch, like a hug or a kiss or something, I start to feel like something is missing and I try to make up for it in other ways by making him stuff. So in that sense, I feel like I put in more effort than him. He says he's not creative so he has rarely made me something (I guess compared to me) in the five years we've been together. But like piratemama said, we fit like legos. Where I lack effort he makes up for it, and vice versa.

Edit: obviously we all feel like the one thing missing is touch, but I have trouble feeling loved without it. Of course that's terrible because I know he does love me, but the best way that love ismcommunicated to me is through touch. Without it, I question it, even though I know 1000% that he does. So I try to make up for it in other ways. My SO is "words of affirmation". He likes hearing things like I appreciate you, I love you, thanks for helping me with so and so, etc.

[kittyxuchiha11]

I have to admit sometimes i feel as if I am definitely putting more of an effort in that she is. but then in reality, i'm really not. We talk everyday and she makes sure to tell me if she has plans and we're both great at communicating. but although she's great at communicating i don't get many things like love letters and such. I send her a love letter every month with a little present and i love doing that because it makes us both feel better. but i rarely get letters from her and that makes me feel as though she isn't trying some times. but really it's just that it's really expensive to even send a letter over there and her family don't know about us and would stop us from ever seeing each other again if they did know.
So really you've just gotta remember that sometimes it's hard for your SO to put in full effort or live up to your full expectations because sometimes it is literally not possible for the to do that. Sure sometimes it can get you down but you can always talk to them to cheer you up :3

[LittleBox]

I think we're well balanced. We plan date nights and we try to alternate activities/movies so both of us get a chance to do what we want. He's recently got me into gaming too so once I get the hang of that we'll be able to have "game nights" :P Sometimes we have quiet reading time together or just ramble without direction which leads into impromptu puzzles or watching things together. We talk daily so we just let the conversation drift and plan proper activities for the weekend.