Pulling away?

[OperaDiva]

I have been trying to talk to him about it for a while. It seems like he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. Or he doesn't care. I do think I give him enough space. He started pulling away after he visited me. By pulling away I mean he's being distant. He's been like this for a while. And yes, I was talking about the rubber band theory.

I think this is quite common, maybe more so with guys. Some people do not deal with negative emotions by expressing them, but by cocooning and withdrawing. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing if he can, in fact, deal with those feelings, but if he is serious about the relationship he will come back to his normal self with time.

[Keisha]

Thanks. If this is the reason for him to be pulling away, how can I talk to him without him pulling further away? I want to talk to him and learn to understand him without appearing needy or clingy.

[Luc]

Thanks. If this is the reason for him to be pulling away, how can I talk to him without him pulling further away? I want to talk to him and learn to understand him without appearing needy or clingy.

By talking to him during a time when he isn't pulling away or doesn't feel the need to. Don't approach him about this during one of his pulling-away moments. Don't do it right after one of those moments either. Instead, do it when things are going pretty good for a while. You'll be surprised how open he probably will be to talk about it at that moment. Just make sure that you don't make him look weak. Also try to avoid accusations or making him feel like he does something wrong. Focus on yourself and your feelings instead. Tell him how you feel when he's pulling away, and ask him how you two can work this out.

Edit: The best way to approach it is by asking questions. Asking questions always sounds less accusatory than making statements (unless you'd ask rhetorical questions, that could seriously piss him off, but you're probably not gonna do that). The most important thing I can probably say is; don't be afraid to express your own feelings. As long as you express your feelings in a calm, kind and loving way, you should be 100% fine and he will probably want to work with you to find a solution right away.

[Keisha]

He told me that he's willing to work things out. But it seems like he wants to wait until he visits me again. About pulling away when he's being himself, he hasn't been the same since he left. Before he visited, we both made the effort to talk. But now we only talk when I start the conversation. Sometimes I can tell he wants to talk and sometimes not.

[piratemama]

Edit: The best way to approach it is by asking questions. Asking questions always sounds less accusatory than making statements (unless you'd ask rhetorical questions, that could seriously piss him off, but you're probably not gonna do that). The most important thing I can probably say is; don't be afraid to express your own feelings. As long as you express your feelings in a calm, kind and loving way, you should be 100% fine and he will probably want to work with you to find a solution right away.

I agree with this 100%. My SO is always willing to answer questions, when I ask them with the right attitude and at the right time. When he seems worried or quiet, I'll ask if anything is wrong. If he says no, I'll remind him that I love him and worry about him sometimes. Then, I drop it. I also try to listen, when he does open up. I think many of us stop opening up to people that want to criticize or nag about what we say, not saying you do that. However, it's a good idea to make him feel safe to be vulnerable to share his deepest feelings with you.

[Luc]

He told me that he's willing to work things out. But it seems like he wants to wait until he visits me again. About pulling away when he's being himself, he hasn't been the same since he left. Before he visited, we both made the effort to talk. But now we only talk when I start the conversation. Sometimes I can tell he wants to talk and sometimes not.

Well, he agreed to work things out with you. That's is a very important first step! So be happy about that.

I've heard from many people that sometimes a visit can give someone a "post-visit blues". I've heard it happens more often with men than with women. I haven't experienced this myself yet, but it could explain his behavior. When was the last time you saw visited each other? If it wasn't a long time ago, I wouldn't worry too much about his pulling away.

Also, you having to start the conversations all the time might be very annoying, but also not something to be worried about. The honeymoon period is over and the period of comfort has kicked in. This is when most people start to put less effort into their relationship because they feel comfortable with their current situation. They feel they made it, they succeeded, they got what they want, so now they no longer have to fight for it. Of course this isn't true, and most people find that out the hard way when friction and resentment starts to occur due to one of the partners getting a bit too comfortable and showing too little initiative or effort.
Talk about this with your SO and see what he thinks. Ask him about it.

[Keisha]

Thanks I'll do that. He visited me in the end of September and has been like this ever since.

[OperaDiva]

I also agree on asking questions. Sometimes when my SO and I play a game online he gets so focused that he forgets to talk and I get really bored and a little uncomfortable with the silence. So I would think of a question and ask (it is also good because it breaks his concentration and helps me win!) and he always answers.
You can also watch a movie together (something not too romantic or sad perhaps) and then ask him what he thought about it.

[Keisha]

Thanks

[iamj]

I also agree on asking questions. Sometimes when my SO and I play a game online he gets so focused that he forgets to talk and I get really bored and a little uncomfortable with the silence. So I would think of a question and ask (it is also good because it breaks his concentration and helps me win!) and he always answers.
You can also watch a movie together (something not too romantic or sad perhaps) and then ask him what he thought about it.

I'd be careful of asking question because you don't want it to feel like an interrogation either -- sometimes after a long day all we (in general) want to do is enjoy general company. I'd say you could balance asking a question with relating a story or past experience to the subject at hand?

I also agree with playing games, i think if you can find a good one (which i'm actively searching for right now) it can be a great source of conversation