Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[Hollandia]

As far as I understand, AAG has not met her SO, who is hiding her from his family. There is no physical interaction between them, but still there is the emotional manipulation, which he's engaging in that concerns me. I don't care for how he's handling the situation, either with his wife, children, or AAG. I don't really feel comfortable commenting on her situation, since it's not mine, but that was my understanding from what she's said in the past.

I agree, I don't wish to speak on any personal subject of someone either.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hollandia put it really well. To add to that - if my morals are going to be questioned then I will defend them. And telling her she is doing something wrong, that she is hurting people is not judgement and it is not lashing out, it is the truth.
If AAG came here and said "I am doing something wrong, I need help and advice on how to get out" then sympathy and support would be all she would get from me, but that is not the case.
I believe being the other woman, hurting another woman and her children in this way is plain wrong; painting yourself as the victim is deluded to say the least; calling that woman and her children "obstacles" makes me sick to my stomach; and comparing yourself to LGBTQ and polyamorous people in honest, committed relationships is insulting. And as has already been pointed out, we all have the right to our opinions and values, as well as the right to express them freely on this forum.

For the record: a blast from my own past: I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband cheated on me, and then flaunted it in my face...took me and the children to visit one of his friends. I caught on really fast that there was something going on, and he admitted it. We had six children, the youngest was only 6 months old when we split up, after the fact. He finally left me, moved out, and left me and six children with no money for rent, food or utilities, in the worst winter in Virginia I had ever experienced. I had to move in with my parents, me and the six children, while we went through the process of legalizing the death of a marriage that had gone emotionally cold months, maybe even years, before.

I am not the heartless bitch people portray me as. I have cried bitter tears many times, agonized over this whole situation, wanted him to be honest and make a clean break, one way or the other, but he couldn't. Neither of us has been able to break it off, or deny our feelings for each other. Does that make us evil perpetrators of the unpardonable sin...or does that make us human, flawed to be sure, fighting our own issues, but still a man and a woman who met at the wrong time in life, but fell desperately in love.

As I explained earlier, I didn't mean to compare my situation with polyamory or LGBT issues. I had simply noticed that there were groups here for everyone to get support or insights from people in similar situations, so I thought maybe it might be good for people in similar situations to mine, to have a group of our own. I had no idea it would cause so much backlash. And I'm so sorry I've offended so many people.

[snow]

For the record: a blast from my own past: I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband cheated on me, and then flaunted it in my face...took me and the children to visit one of his friends. I caught on really fast that there was something going on, and he admitted it. We had six children, the youngest was only 6 months old when we split up, after the fact. He finally left me, moved out, and left me and six children with no money for rent, food or utilities, in the worst winter in Virginia I had ever experienced. I had to move in with my parents, me and the six children, while we went through the process of legalizing the death of a marriage that had gone emotionally cold months, maybe even years, before.

I am not the heartless bitch people portray me as. I have cried bitter tears many times, agonized over this whole situation, wanted him to be honest and make a clean break, one way or the other, but he couldn't. Neither of us has been able to break it off, or deny our feelings for each other. Does that make us evil perpetrators of the unpardonable sin...or does that make us human, flawed to be sure, fighting our own issues, but still a man and a woman who met at the wrong time in life, but fell desperately in love.

As I explained earlier, I didn't mean to compare my situation with polyamory or LGBT issues. I had simply noticed that there were groups here for everyone to get support or insights from people in similar situations, so I thought maybe it might be good for people in similar situations to mine, to have a group of our own. I had no idea it would cause so much backlash. And I'm so sorry I've offended so many people.

If you had to go through something so bitter and heartbreaking with 6 children, why would you want his wife to go through the same?

[differentcountries]

You are gentle and sweet to most here and you must really love this man to want to continue with him. I am concerned that not only will he not make a clean break after all this time, but his carelessness tells me a part of him wants to get caughed by his wife so that she may fight for him.

[TaraMarie]

AAG.... YOU are the only one who can decide if this is right f you. You only have a short time on this earth. Grab every bit of happiness you can. There is one judge only, and HE isn't in this thread. Good luck to you!

[rubydissolution]

OK, here is my take on this. I don't think it's right. If after four years he hasn't left his wife, I don't think it's ever going to happen. AAG quite frankly you deserve better than being the other woman.

In response to all the people passing judgement (even though they say they aren't): Would you be this judgmental to someone in an abusive relationship? I'm sure some of you would be....bc it's her fault she's being abused right? Being in an abusive relationship isn't socially acceptable, yet women all over do it every day. And every single day all over the world a boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend, a husband on a wife. Hell there are even websites for it. You don't blame that woman for staying in that abusive relationship because she is paralyzed by fear and a deluded version of love. In a way AAG is in an abusive relationship. She is surely in love, and being emotionally manipulated by her SO, yet she can't find the strength within herself to leave and say "I can do so much better then this!" Being in a relationship is a choice, until it's not. Stop being morally outraged and try to make her see that she can do better then the lifestyle she is currently living. How is telling someone what a horrible person they are helping them? AAG is not a horrible person, I've seen her give wonderful advice to many people on this forum. So return the favor!

Also some quotes for the morally outraged..."Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" John 8:7 "Judge not lest ye be judged" Mathew 7:1

[Zapookie]

I don't think anyone has said AAG is a horrible person, however she is participating in a relationship that has a basis of deception and lies. We don't know the reasons why AAG is still in this relationship, but for having been in it for 4 years without any change to her SO's marital status, would it be safe to say that he may never take that step? And why would he? He has two women, and as long as he can keep one in the dark, he can have it this way for as long as he pleases.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and say that enough is enough. 4 years is a long time to go nowhere.

AAG deserves better than being second best, as do we all.

[Dziubka]

I don't really have a strong opinion on this one, save for one issue:

If you want to judge, I don't think it's AAG you should be judging. She is not the one cheating and betraying those closest to her. She's not leading a double life. She's not even the one hurting anyone. It's her SO. Sorry to be the blunt, but he's in a really comfortable situation enjoying the security of a marriage and the comfort of an online affair that gives him excitement and that he can just switch off and on when he feels like it. And yes, I'm hardcore judging him, because he's hurting a lot of people that care about him and that he supposedly cares about for his own comfort. (But he's not on here and if he was, I would just try to ignore his posts as long as he wasn't trying to defend his actions).

I never understood why people blame "the other woman" or "the other man". I get it if it's someone close or someone you see on a regular basis, but if they don't know the family, I don't think they're the ones doing something wrong. It's not up to other people to protect my relationship and make sure my husband doesn't cheat. That is entirely his responsibility.

I like to think I would be too proud to be the other woman for a longer time (because I'm awesome and I deserve to be more than someone's secret online affair and so does AAG), but I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I don't really have a strong opinion on this one, save for one issue:

If you want to judge, I don't think it's AAG you should be judging. She is not the one cheating and betraying those closest to her. She's not leading a double life. She's not even the one hurting anyone. It's her SO. Sorry to be the blunt, but he's in a really comfortable situation enjoying the security of a marriage and the comfort of an online affair that gives him excitement and that he can just switch off and on when he feels like it. And yes, I'm hardcore judging him, because he's hurting a lot of people that care about him and that he supposedly cares about for his own comfort. (But he's not on here and if he was, I would just try to ignore his posts as long as he wasn't trying to defend his actions).

I never understood why people blame "the other woman" or "the other man". I get it if it's someone close or someone you see on a regular basis, but if they don't know the family, I don't think they're the ones doing something wrong. It's not up to other people to protect my relationship and make sure my husband doesn't cheat. That is entirely his responsibility.

I like to think I would be too proud to be the other woman for a longer time (because I'm awesome and I deserve to be more than someone's secret online affair and so does AAG), but I don't think it's necessarily morally wrong.

I think it's the complicity that rankles people (including me). AAG knows that her SO is lying to his family and is still involved with him, thus tacitly consenting to the lying. I think they're both morally at fault, but her SO more so. Even if her SO's wife is a terrible person and their marriage is beyond repair, cheating is a huge betrayal. I do believe AAG deserves better as well.

[Miasmata]

I don't think anyone has said AAG is a horrible person, however she is participating in a relationship that has a basis of deception and lies. We don't know the reasons why AAG is still in this relationship, but for having been in it for 4 years without any change to her SO's marital status, would it be safe to say that he may never take that step? And why would he? He has two women, and as long as he can keep one in the dark, he can have it this way for as long as he pleases.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and say that enough is enough. 4 years is a long time to go nowhere.

AAG deserves better than being second best, as do we all.

Thanks for putting so simply and concisely what I was going to say.


AAG, I'm all for your right to make this group, and I want people in this kind of relationship to be able to have a space to talk and feel secure. Please don't feel like you are not welcome here anymore, or that your voice shouldn't be heard.

However, what I agree with is that your relationship IS built on deception, and that it is not an entirely consensual situation, which is deeply problematic. I know feelings are not rational, and I won't go and talk down to you for following them. You have much more life experience than me, and it would be foolish of me to tell you what to do. What I just worry about is that I don't want you or anyone else to glorify this kind of relationship - You and everyone else in an LDR affair like this deserves to be heard, but never without getting honesty in return, and never in any kind of illusion that what you're doing is totally clean or that any other parties involved are just mere "complications". No matter how dead the marriage is, your partner's wife is still a person who deserves to be respected, and the kids probably even more so. Please don't color people as mere obstacles when their feelings matter just as much as yours.

I don't blame you. You want to feel good and enjoy the love of a person. But the truth of the matter is that this person hasn't been honest with his wife for years, and that with every passing day, it gets less likely that he ever will. In my humble opinion, you deserve support, but not to keep this relationship going at all costs, but rather to be honest with yourself and find out if this is really good for you, and if this is really what you want to stay in. If you do, then that's your choice - Not a glorious or praiseworthy choice, but a choice that you as an adult can make and deserves to be respected. But if you ask me, you are wasting energy and hope, and I'm legitimately worried.

I hope that you and everyone else in an affair situation like this is not shot down, but is also not being lied to on this forum. And I REALLY hope that all of you make decisions that are right and healthy for you, whatever they end up being.

[TaraMarie]

You morals aren't MY morals, and MY morals aren't AAG's morals. Who are you, me or the guy next door to tell AAG or ANYONE if this is right or wrong? And honestly, it isn't affecting MY life or YOUR life. Don't judge....especially someone you don't even know....you've never walked in their shoes. I learned the hard way that we never know when we will take our last breath. So use every breath you have to tell people you love them. Be constructive, not destructive. I am sure AAG hasn't enjoyed being bashed, and she's been nothing but sweet and supportive to everyone.

AAG, I am sorry you had to read four pages of bashing. It just sucks. Hang in there honey. Only YOU know what's right for you.

[CynicalQuixotic]

You morals aren't MY morals, and MY morals aren't AAG's morals. Who are you, me or the guy next door to tell AAG or ANYONE if this is right or wrong? And honestly, it isn't affecting MY life or YOUR life. Don't judge....especially someone you don't even know....you've never walked in their shoes. I learned the hard way that we never know when we will take our last breath. So use every breath you have to tell people you love them. Be constructive, not destructive. I am sure AAG hasn't enjoyed being bashed, and she's been nothing but sweet and supportive to everyone.

AAG, I am sorry you had to read four pages of bashing. It just sucks. Hang in there honey. Only YOU know what's right for you.

There are plenty of people who have told AAG that while they don't agree with what she's doing, they don't think that she is a bad person and that she deserves better.

[velkoria]

I don't agree with AAG's relationship choices either, but she is in an LDR of a sort, and she DOES have the right to create a group for like-minded people, and she does have as much right as anyone else to be here. If you don't like what she's doing, put her on ignore and move on. It's not right to call someone out publicly because they're in a relationship you don't agree with, THAT goes against what this forum is about.

This is a global forum, full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles, we won't always agree with everyone and their choices, and if there are those whose choices are offensive to you, ignore them. There is no need to get nasty about it. I don't think that differently than you do, but it's not up to me to police people's lives. Live and let live.

I agree with this for the most part but the idea that cheating is regarded as a lifestyle (obviously we're not talking about happy polyamourous relationships here) bugs me grately. It's a deliberate choice to hurt someone else. I feel the same about this whole thing as I would feel about a 34 year old person coming on here to talk about their 16 y/o SO who they are in an LDR with. I just don't agree with it and find that it's just a deliberate act to cause someone else pain. I'm just staying as far away from that thread as possible to avoid getting angry but since it's been brought up? I just think these things are touchy and while we say we can't judge I think it's normal to do so and healthy too as long as no personal attacks are made.

I just think the fact that people want sympathy for aiding someone lie, cheat, etc is just not my thing. Any horrible thing done could be justifiable, in the end but it doesn't make it okay in most people's books. I hope the OP and her partner can decide on what to do about their lives and that their mistakes are something that they are aware will have DEVASTATING and HORRIBLE consequences for the other people involved who's only mistake was having them in their lives because... they're honestly not to blame here. This is not saying the OP is a BAD PERSON (I don't believe in the terms 'good' and 'bad' people) but their actions are deliberate and made to cause others pain soooo yeah just my two cents.

[Moon]

I agree with this for the most part but the idea that cheating is regarded as a lifestyle (obviously we're not talking about happy polyamourous relationships here) bugs me grately. It's a deliberate choice to hurt someone else. I feel the same about this whole thing as I would feel about a 34 year old person coming on here to talk about their 16 y/o SO who they are in an LDR with. I just don't agree with it and find that it's just a deliberate act to cause someone else pain. I'm just staying as far away from that thread as possible to avoid getting angry but since it's been brought up? I just think these things are touchy and while we say we can't judge I think it's normal to do so and healthy too as long as no personal attacks are made.

I just think the fact that people want sympathy for aiding someone lie, cheat, etc is just not my thing. Any horrible thing done could be justifiable, in the end but it doesn't make it okay in most people's books. I hope the OP and her partner can decide on what to do about their lives and that their mistakes are something that they are aware will have DEVASTATING and HORRIBLE consequences for the other people involved who's only mistake was having them in their lives because... they're honestly not to blame here. This is not saying the OP is a BAD PERSON (I don't believe in the terms 'good' and 'bad' people) but their actions are deliberate and made to cause others pain soooo yeah just my two cents.

I realize you were sort of agreeing with me, but I never classified cheating as a lifestyle. I said it's a "global forum full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles", which is true, and your lifestyle can color the way you look at things, your morals and values, etc., NOT that cheating is a lifestyle. I probably worded that badly.

[velkoria]

I realize you were sort of agreeing with me, but I never classified cheating as a lifestyle. I said it's a "global forum full of people with differing opinions and lifestyles", which is true, and your lifestyle can color the way you look at things, your morals and values, etc., NOT that cheating is a lifestyle. I probably worded that badly.

Oh! thanks for clearing that up and to be fair... with everything going on in my life it could have been my mistake too I'm glad you don't consider cheating a lifestyle!