Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[Zapookie]

I don't think anyone has said AAG is a horrible person, however she is participating in a relationship that has a basis of deception and lies. We don't know the reasons why AAG is still in this relationship, but for having been in it for 4 years without any change to her SO's marital status, would it be safe to say that he may never take that step? And why would he? He has two women, and as long as he can keep one in the dark, he can have it this way for as long as he pleases.

Sometimes we have to put ourselves first and say that enough is enough. 4 years is a long time to go nowhere.

AAG deserves better than being second best, as do we all.

[rubydissolution]

OK, here is my take on this. I don't think it's right. If after four years he hasn't left his wife, I don't think it's ever going to happen. AAG quite frankly you deserve better than being the other woman.

In response to all the people passing judgement (even though they say they aren't): Would you be this judgmental to someone in an abusive relationship? I'm sure some of you would be....bc it's her fault she's being abused right? Being in an abusive relationship isn't socially acceptable, yet women all over do it every day. And every single day all over the world a boyfriend cheats on his girlfriend, a husband on a wife. Hell there are even websites for it. You don't blame that woman for staying in that abusive relationship because she is paralyzed by fear and a deluded version of love. In a way AAG is in an abusive relationship. She is surely in love, and being emotionally manipulated by her SO, yet she can't find the strength within herself to leave and say "I can do so much better then this!" Being in a relationship is a choice, until it's not. Stop being morally outraged and try to make her see that she can do better then the lifestyle she is currently living. How is telling someone what a horrible person they are helping them? AAG is not a horrible person, I've seen her give wonderful advice to many people on this forum. So return the favor!

Also some quotes for the morally outraged..."Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" John 8:7 "Judge not lest ye be judged" Mathew 7:1

[TaraMarie]

AAG.... YOU are the only one who can decide if this is right f you. You only have a short time on this earth. Grab every bit of happiness you can. There is one judge only, and HE isn't in this thread. Good luck to you!

[differentcountries]

You are gentle and sweet to most here and you must really love this man to want to continue with him. I am concerned that not only will he not make a clean break after all this time, but his carelessness tells me a part of him wants to get caughed by his wife so that she may fight for him.

[snow]

For the record: a blast from my own past: I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband cheated on me, and then flaunted it in my face...took me and the children to visit one of his friends. I caught on really fast that there was something going on, and he admitted it. We had six children, the youngest was only 6 months old when we split up, after the fact. He finally left me, moved out, and left me and six children with no money for rent, food or utilities, in the worst winter in Virginia I had ever experienced. I had to move in with my parents, me and the six children, while we went through the process of legalizing the death of a marriage that had gone emotionally cold months, maybe even years, before.

I am not the heartless bitch people portray me as. I have cried bitter tears many times, agonized over this whole situation, wanted him to be honest and make a clean break, one way or the other, but he couldn't. Neither of us has been able to break it off, or deny our feelings for each other. Does that make us evil perpetrators of the unpardonable sin...or does that make us human, flawed to be sure, fighting our own issues, but still a man and a woman who met at the wrong time in life, but fell desperately in love.

As I explained earlier, I didn't mean to compare my situation with polyamory or LGBT issues. I had simply noticed that there were groups here for everyone to get support or insights from people in similar situations, so I thought maybe it might be good for people in similar situations to mine, to have a group of our own. I had no idea it would cause so much backlash. And I'm so sorry I've offended so many people.

If you had to go through something so bitter and heartbreaking with 6 children, why would you want his wife to go through the same?

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hollandia put it really well. To add to that - if my morals are going to be questioned then I will defend them. And telling her she is doing something wrong, that she is hurting people is not judgement and it is not lashing out, it is the truth.
If AAG came here and said "I am doing something wrong, I need help and advice on how to get out" then sympathy and support would be all she would get from me, but that is not the case.
I believe being the other woman, hurting another woman and her children in this way is plain wrong; painting yourself as the victim is deluded to say the least; calling that woman and her children "obstacles" makes me sick to my stomach; and comparing yourself to LGBTQ and polyamorous people in honest, committed relationships is insulting. And as has already been pointed out, we all have the right to our opinions and values, as well as the right to express them freely on this forum.

For the record: a blast from my own past: I have been on both sides of the fence. My husband cheated on me, and then flaunted it in my face...took me and the children to visit one of his friends. I caught on really fast that there was something going on, and he admitted it. We had six children, the youngest was only 6 months old when we split up, after the fact. He finally left me, moved out, and left me and six children with no money for rent, food or utilities, in the worst winter in Virginia I had ever experienced. I had to move in with my parents, me and the six children, while we went through the process of legalizing the death of a marriage that had gone emotionally cold months, maybe even years, before.

I am not the heartless bitch people portray me as. I have cried bitter tears many times, agonized over this whole situation, wanted him to be honest and make a clean break, one way or the other, but he couldn't. Neither of us has been able to break it off, or deny our feelings for each other. Does that make us evil perpetrators of the unpardonable sin...or does that make us human, flawed to be sure, fighting our own issues, but still a man and a woman who met at the wrong time in life, but fell desperately in love.

As I explained earlier, I didn't mean to compare my situation with polyamory or LGBT issues. I had simply noticed that there were groups here for everyone to get support or insights from people in similar situations, so I thought maybe it might be good for people in similar situations to mine, to have a group of our own. I had no idea it would cause so much backlash. And I'm so sorry I've offended so many people.

[Hollandia]

As far as I understand, AAG has not met her SO, who is hiding her from his family. There is no physical interaction between them, but still there is the emotional manipulation, which he's engaging in that concerns me. I don't care for how he's handling the situation, either with his wife, children, or AAG. I don't really feel comfortable commenting on her situation, since it's not mine, but that was my understanding from what she's said in the past.

I agree, I don't wish to speak on any personal subject of someone either.

[merlinkitty]

As far as I understand, AAG has not met her SO, who is hiding her from his family. There is no physical interaction between them, but still there is the emotional manipulation, which he's engaging in that concerns me. I don't care for how he's handling the situation, either with his wife, children, or AAG. I don't really feel comfortable commenting on her situation, since it's not mine, but that was my understanding from what she's said in the past.

[Hollandia]

I will let you in on my past history to help you understand where I'm coming from in my comments. The majority of my adult life I've been cheated on. It was all in the open and in my face. I was aware of it all. And it was something I felt that I deserved because I have massive self-esteem issues. Because I was able to find someone who supported me, I was able to acknowledge my own self-worth and am in a much happier and positive place in my life. I don't like to see anyone being hurt for any reason, including you, Hollandia & OperaDiva.

I hope you can understand that I'm not here to defend cheating. It's my personal belief that poly relationships are perfectly acceptable so long as all parties are aware of what's going on. This is not the case in AAG's relationship, which is why I think it is particularly important that she receive some support. I'm really not trying to offend anyone in this tread so I apologize if I have. I just don't think it's very constructive to turn her post on a group creation (issues with the language or not) into a venting ground for all of our past hurts. I hope that makes some sense.

Best wishes.

I'm confused. I don't think her SO's partner is aware. Did I miss something? I asked her if she was aware and I think she said she was not. My whole point is if the spouse is not aware. If the spouse is aware, it becomes more about, why not just file the papers and not about deception. I also brought up whether or not they are still sleeping with their spouse without their knowledge of sleeping with someone else.

[merlinkitty]

I will let you in on my past history to help you understand where I'm coming from in my comments. The majority of my adult life I've been cheated on. It was all in the open and in my face. I was aware of it all. And it was something I felt that I deserved because I have massive self-esteem issues. Because I was able to find someone who supported me, I was able to acknowledge my own self-worth and am in a much happier and positive place in my life. I don't like to see anyone being hurt for any reason, including you, Hollandia & OperaDiva.

I hope you can understand that I'm not here to defend cheating. It's my personal belief that poly relationships are perfectly acceptable so long as all parties are aware of what's going on. This is not the case in AAG's relationship, which is why I think it is particularly important that she receive some support. I'm really not trying to offend anyone in this tread so I apologize if I have. I just don't think it's very constructive to turn her post on a group creation (issues with the language or not) into a venting ground for all of our past hurts. I hope that makes some sense.

Best wishes.

[80anthea]

I agree with Hollandia and OperaDiva. I have no objection to you starting a group or even mentioning the group here for people to join. My issue all along has been the language you've used, for someone who has been 'the complication' it is hurtful.

[OperaDiva]

Hollandia put it really well. To add to that - if my morals are going to be questioned then I will defend them. And telling her she is doing something wrong, that she is hurting people is not judgement and it is not lashing out, it is the truth.
If AAG came here and said "I am doing something wrong, I need help and advice on how to get out" then sympathy and support would be all she would get from me, but that is not the case.
I believe being the other woman, hurting another woman and her children in this way is plain wrong; painting yourself as the victim is deluded to say the least; calling that woman and her children "obstacles" makes me sick to my stomach; and comparing yourself to LGBTQ and polyamorous people in honest, committed relationships is insulting. And as has already been pointed out, we all have the right to our opinions and values, as well as the right to express them freely on this forum.

[Hollandia]

I've been on the fence about responding to what's been going on in this thread, and others as well and it seems to be really gaining strength over the last week. I really enjoy the differing opinions here. But I find it increasingly difficult to seek help for or communicate about controversial issues for fear of being attacked or judged for my opinions. This forum is very well regulated, sometimes overly so, but thing I've liked about it is how supportive everyone is. What I don't understand is why, when someone shows you their weakest place, people feel the need to lash out at that person?

It puts people like me, who have been in a similar position as AAG and have some understanding of what's going on behind the scenes, really reluctant to reach out to them for fear of being placed as a target in the threads. I don't want to argue with anyone over anything in this forum. That's not the reason I'm here. There have been posts here that I don't agree with and I skip over them. I don't place my moral judgments on a situation where I don't have a complete set of facts to articulate an opinion.

There is a reason that AAG is choosing to be in a relationship with a guy who is ripping her right and left. She's come here for some support and help only to be ripped up here as well. Whether or not you agree with her decision is a moot point. You're not going to change the world by standing on a moral soapbox here. All you're dong is tearing down and abusing a woman who's already being torn down and abused in her relationship.

Regardless if you agree with her language or not, can we try and not shut her down by throwing words around like "slut?" I'm not wild about AAG's relationship but not for the reasons you all have cited. I'm really uncomfortable with how he waffles with his promises, emotions, and contact and I don't like how that affects her. If she can form a group and have people who are in similar situations provide advice and support that will help her understand her worth, and perhaps ultimately convince her to find a situation that makes her happier than the one she's in, I'm all for it. She may not agree with me that I think she should look inside herself, see her value, and take back control of her situation, but at least I'm seeing her as a human being, which is what ever single last one of us on this forum are. Can we not afford her the same respect?

This is not directly pointed at the OP... For the record.

How about people like me? People that got cheated on and that should not have to hold back my opinions to placate someone that is cheating. I hate cheating. I won't hold that back. Where is my respect ?Nobody is abusing anyone. If you post on a forum you are going to hear opinions, some you like and some you don't.

This is ridiculous. Don't try to make anyone feel bad about not liking cheating. If you were in a situation where you knew someone was deceiving someone else, and hurting them, and you went along with it, then you made that bed and choose to lie it. The other person did not.

Nobody called her a slut. I told her a fact about my first husband's GF that he cheated on me with. SHE was a slut. She was sleeping with my husband behind my back and half her bar. I had no idea until later and I think I have quite a right to call her a slut since my husband was still sleeping with me at that time. She put me at risk for all the diseases that she could have gotten since I was unknowingly sharing my bed with him, her and all her fuc# buddies.

I also want to say, if you do bring up the subject then you open yourself up to hear other's opinions on that matter. I am tired of hearing about people not wanting to be judged or being afraid to open up, what about our rights to speak our minds? Should we sit back and shut up so that they can have their say and nobody says anything but what they want to hear. Sorry Charlie, that's not the way I roll. They made a group and can talk about it there without other's input. This here is an open board.

I was a wife and I was cheated on, had my health put at risk, and got humiliated in the end. I have every right to state my opinion on the matter if someone wants to try to give their side of being the mistress, jolly for them. Mistresses unite and speak your mind, Hoorah, but the wives still have just as much right to speak out too. Walk a mile in our shoes sometime and see how you like it. If there is deception going on and the other woman knows it then she is a part of it, how is not the one actually being cheated on not the victim? Would the mistress of victim of that tell them they need not to be judged to them? I did not sign on board to any unwritten rule to say I would pander in any way about my feelings on the matter. When my second marriage ended, I was upfront and honest with my Ex. Had I not have been, I would have been no better than the slut (not the OP but my first husband's GF) that was sleeping with my husband as I cooked his meals daily and cleaned his laundry sat home with his infant in between when we were going to church, hanging out with friends and family and living a basically normal family life, all the while she waited for him to come around and take him to her bed.

How about this, what is the line of what we should and should not be able to voice opinions about? Cheating is your list, what else is? Should we be okay with child molesters? They are people too, and I am sure they would like a place to vent without judgement also. They could be in LDRs, so does that afford them some rights because of being a member here? Should we be okay with someone that rapes someone else because they really loved them so much they could not help themselves? This is bullsh%t. Please don't tell me I am comparing cheating to child molestation either, I am making a point and it is loud and clear.

Have your say and enjoy it but don't get all self righteous with me since in the end you are sleeping with someone else's mate. This is not about anyone weakest place, you want to see that, then be the wife that gets cheated on and left with a toddler, mounting bills and having to start all over again and go through the utter humiliation of having to take a frakin AIDS test because of it. I was going to be done with this thread, but if you are going to start trying shame me into being quiet, you will fail. Anyone can say their point of the view on the subject and I will give mine right back. I can't sit back quiet because if I do it insinuates I am okay with it in the slightest way. I don't want to live in a society where we make allowances for such things. I want my partner to be faithful to me and I want to be faithful to him. I love him enough, as I did my second Ex, that if the marriage was not working anymore, I ended it. I want a society where everywhere treats their partners with that level of respect.

Lastly, Michelle is the only Admin here. Until she tells me there is some rule against speaking my mind on the matter, I shall do so. I also don't appreciate being lectured by a fellow poster not to do so. Your opinion is no more valid than mine. Some of you are okay with the cheating thing, and some of us are not. You have your say and others have theirs. You say this might hurt the OPs feelings but I will tell you in return how upsetting it is to me to hear people talking about the wives and children, like me and my daughter were, as obstacles. Quite frankly, You are representing the other woman and I was an obstacle. I am not going to bite my tongue over that.

[kittyo9]

This thread is about the creation of a group, not about AAG's relationship itself. AAG is certainly entitled to make this group, regardless of anyone's moral conflicts with her personal choices. I see and understand the want/need for a group like this. I hope it provides you with a place where you feel comfortable talking about issues you might otherwise have kept quiet.

[talim]

What I don't understand is why, when someone shows you their weakest place, people feel the need to lash out at that person?

I can't rep you enough! Agree with you completely.