Open Invitation to Group for those whose SO is Taken by somebody else

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

[snow]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

In my opinion, he should not have to hide a friendship. If he feels like he has to, something is off about the relationship with his wife or the friendship.

[differentcountries]

Hypothetically, if this became a very close friendship between us, would it still be considered wrong by those who think what we are doing is so horribly wrong? It would still be a long-distance relationship, by definition, would it not? Certainly can't deny the distance. But even as close friends, there would always be an unbreakable bond between us, even without passion. There would always be love. What if he still chose to keep it secret, out of fear or whatever reason he had. Would that still be wrong? What would make it wrong?

The internet is changing things, getting people together from all walks of life, even from different countries, thousands of miles distant. There might not be physical contact, but feelings can develop from the heart and mind. What makes it an affair? According to the dictionary: a usually secretive or illicit sexual relationship.

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

If that's the case, then it isn't sex that defines an affair. It's the mere existence of a third party. Even close friends can't win, I guess. Even close friends would be condemned.

[snow]

As someone who had a long term "friendship" going for 5 years where he had a fiance, I would say: yes, it is wrong. We hardly even kissed during those 5 years, certainly never exchanged sexual fantasies, were almost never alone together.... even so, for all the restraints we put on ourselves, his fiance felt replaced and begged me not to have his baby. We were never together formally, but emotionally it was a romantic relationship or affair which was wrong because his fiance neve gave us permission.

You "hardly even" kissed? Did you ever bother to ask his fiance where they draw the line of cheating? If my fiance kissed someone else that would be very much cheating. Do you kiss all of your friends? This wasn't a friendship, this was an unofficial affair.

[Florann]

It is a very difficult situation to be fair. I cannot say for sure what I would do in this exact situation, but I think I would not invest time in this sort of relationship based on my own morals and personality. I realize this is easier said than done. However, I would not be lead on for four years without having any indication of a realistic future. I think that I could not live with being hidden from my SO's life and most importantly (from my perspective) it is in no way morally correct to have a relationship with a married person with kids.

I do feel sorry for you as you obviously invested a lot of time into this relationship and do deeply care about this person. However, I highly doubt if he'll ever make the jump for you. Also what do you expect to happen once he leaves? I don't think anything good will come out of this for neither of you.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

[TaraMarie]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

I'm sorry. I hate this for you.

[Moon]

I am sorry, AAG. As horrible as it sounds, and as impossible as it may seem, you really should cut contact now. You cannot be "friends" with someone you have romantic feelings towards, it just doesn't work, and any contact will just prolong the hurt and hinder the healing. I hope you can find some peace.

[differentcountries]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

I am sorry for you, at the same time I am happy you got some answers.

[differentcountries]

If that's the case, then it isn't sex that defines an affair. It's the mere existence of a third party. Even close friends can't win, I guess. Even close friends would be condemned.

The problem is not being close friends. The problem is that there can be something in that friendship that is sexual and romantic in nature, that is competing with the relationship. It is not sex that defines an affair, it is love.

[ThePiedPiper]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

Whether or not you see it now, you dodged a bullet on this one. Even if he had left her and made you the happiest woman, he would have eventually destroyed you too. What he had for you was not love, because love does not manifest in the direct harm of someone else. Even if he didn't consider his wife, family, children, etc. at all, he would not have handled his relationship with you the way he's handled it now or ever before. Unrequited love or the type of love we receive when being used is perhaps the most painful type of love to be on the receiving end of, and I remember that feeling well. With that said, it is because I remember it that I can tell you you dodged a bullet, and once you're out of the relationship, have processed from your feelings, and moved on, I think that there's a lot you're going to realise if you don't allow the hurt to cloud it, and I promise it makes the pain a little easier to bear. For now, please hang in there. I promise this won't be the last time, and what you learn from this will help you find someone who actually deserves you in the future. For now, feel free to nurse your wounds as best as you need to.

[differentcountries]

You "hardly even" kissed? Did you ever bother to ask his fiance where they draw the line of cheating? If my fiance kissed someone else that would be very much cheating. Do you kiss all of your friends? This wasn't a friendship, this was an unofficial affair.

Yes, in the 5 years we saw each other at least weekly we were almost never physical. My friend/ex and his fiance have a strange relationship. He claims he can do whatever he wants, she claims they are monogamous, they sort of compromise in that he can flirt a little but always come back to her. The problem was, I stayed. They both care for me very much. I have known them for 8 years now I think, I have known her the longest. I met them/him a couple of times a week on a regular basis. She was the one who spotted that there were feelings develping between us, in fact during their engagement party she complimented me for the connection, which she does not really get (it is an introversion thing. I bring out the introvert in extrovert people. That is my whole sexal secret). They broke up, he confessed to both of us that he dreamed about having a love child with me. From that moment she was a bit scared of me. I think the kiss came 6 months later. He wanted to have sex too, but I declined.

The both of them have a special regard for me, it is a bit hard to explain, but when I was still having this emotional affair she made me contribute to her book, asked me for business advice, I temped for her and so on, she always asked my opinions in personal matters and trusted me very much with money, keys and even her most vonerable feelings, despite the fact that she hated that I was mutually in love with her man. A part of her just accepted the attraction, yet sometimes she was angry and jealous, especially about the fantasy child and about me and him spening time alone together, even if it was just an hour to talk it over about why I felt HE was being mean to HER... I asked if I should stay out of their lives and they said no. Sometimes I feel like her little sister, sometimes she treats me as such, especially now after everything is over between me and him, she knows I am the only one who knows what he is really like. I think she likes that even though I hurt her, I always at least tried to make, if not the right choice, then the less bad choice. Me and my husband tried to talk to them, and my husband gave them som good piece of advice. I rented out their flat so to make them money while they were abroad and tried to ressurect their relationship. I have been involved with these people in strange ways.

For his fiance, I don't think the kiss was the pertrayal, but the simple fact that he loved me. She saw her herself as his one true princess, she would get her price alone at the end of the fairytale. Now I think she still loves him, but she sees him as a human with faults. When I see her, I always hear the "Jolene"-song in my head, I know I could have easily taken him for myself at some point had I wanted. But I never wanted that.

[kikidee]

You are a very selfish woman. You say you don't support him deceiving his wife yet you continue the relationship. You don't really care that much about her or the family therefore, just your own desires. I hate how you romanticize your affair. You say you aren't bad just two people with flaws. Really? How about you learn from those flaws? You are clearly not using your mind only your emotions.

Mark twains definition of insanity: making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a new outcome.

[Miasmata]

I guess this whole thread is moot, and I'm sorry I created such a divisive topic, and offended so many good people. There doesn't seem much point in me staying here anyway. I asked him a few questions, point blank, and got my answer. He's not leaving her. And I told him to stop talking about meeting me and wanting to be in a full-time relationship with me. I don't even like him right now.

It's a damn shame it came down to that, but in my humble opinion, you did the right thing. You deserve much better than to be a secret for four years, not having realistic chances of getting something out of all the energy you invested. I hope you find someone who is willing to stick with you and really wants to lead a life with you. All the best to you.