Would this bother you?

[lilspitfire]

I always sabatoge myself by saying what I want and then back tracking instead of being straight forward about what I want. And then after I kick myself for being a wuss

There's your answer. Be clear, firm, concise. Do not backtrack. I understand you get busy, so do I, but I need more communication from you.

[snow]

I think I should clarify. Sometimes he doesn't communicate because he's too busy. But the last two times this has happened I find out later that he wasn't busy at all. For example, one day this week he went a whole day without messaging me and since I'm usually the one initiating I didn't want to be needy and left it up to him. Also, since he is more busy than me, it makes more sense to me to have him initiate when he is available since I never know when he is busy.

Anyways, I finally sent him a text that night late like around 10pm, after not hearing from him all day, and I find out he has been at home playing video games. The second time this week this happened where I didn't hear from him I find out later he went home early from work and was home all evening.

Maybe he was tired and didn't feel like texting, but a simple how are you and goodnight text is better than nothing. But I've already brought this up, and when I do, he tries and then after a couple weeks he forgets again.

I don't want to keep bringing it up to remind him as I will start to sound like a nag. I don't know how to make it clear to him. I have this problem where when I do bring it up, I back track and say stuff like, "i want more contact, but maybe I need to understand how busy you are, or maybe I'm being paranoid and stressing out too much over this." I always sabatoge myself by saying what I want and then back tracking instead of being straight forward about what I want. And then after I kick myself for being a wuss

I know I am lucky that my man checks in with me every day, but we got that far through talking. I used to message him every day as soon as he came home and he got annoyed with it. He wanted to have some me-time where he could relax from work and then talk to me with a clear and calm mind and I after we had several talks about this, I accepted that. Now he messages me when he does and I give him all the time he needs. If he didn't check in with me one day, I messaged him and made sure everything was okay.
Though I seriously think you should not be so tough on him. He took a day to play video games and messaged you in the evening - after talking to you every day and not ignoring you, I would say that is fine in my book.

[Polly]

I know I am lucky that my man checks in with me every day, but we got that far through talking. I used to message him every day as soon as he came home and he got annoyed with it. He wanted to have some me-time where he could relax from work and then talk to me with a clear and calm mind and I after we had several talks about this, I accepted that. Now he messages me when he does and I give him all the time he needs. If he didn't check in with me one day, I messaged him and made sure everything was okay.
Though I seriously think you should not be so tough on him. He took a day to play video games and messaged you in the evening - after talking to you every day and not ignoring you, I would say that is fine in my book.

Well, in both cases he didn't message me, I had to finally initiate contact after not hearing from him all day and night. Maybe I should give him alone time sometimes, but we don't talk every day. On average we talk once or twice a week. I'm mostly having a problem with the days I don't even get texts.

[conejita_hada]

If the days are rare, I'd say let it slide. Ask him point-blank how he wants communication handled, that you want some type of text/communication daily even if it's a general "good morning, busy today but talk soon" or a good night thing, but that you want his opinion on how contact should be, as well. My SO and I mention to each other "I am going to (class/work/friends)" so that the other knows there will be minimal/no contact for a bit. I told him I wanted to know if he was too busy to talk and he agreed he wanted the same. While my SO is someone I will "always" talk to, the "always" is more of a "always except on the occasion I don't want to talk to any other person on earth for a bit." Rare, but it happens.

[differentcountries]

We have been through so many negotiations about communication my head is spinning. In high season, sometimes what he can manage is a text a day. We Skype almost every evening, though. There have been times of unclear communication, you just have to toughen up and state your mind.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

Well, in both cases he didn't message me, I had to finally initiate contact after not hearing from him all day and night. Maybe I should give him alone time sometimes, but we don't talk every day. On average we talk once or twice a week. I'm mostly having a problem with the days I don't even get texts.

Its not necessarily bad that you have to initiate it. Because sometimes people like initiating communication because they may feel like: "if you want to talk you'd message me", "if you missed me you'd message me", or "She/he may be busy so I will wait till he messages me." I personally don't care to initiate communication, simply because I feel like I'm annoying. But after talking to my SO about it, I started leaving him short/pong sweet messages sometimes.

I agree with everyone else, just talk to him about it. Because if you keep it bottled inside it will bother you more and more. And if you don't talk to him about it you can never fix the issue.

[snow]

Well, in both cases he didn't message me, I had to finally initiate contact after not hearing from him all day and night. Maybe I should give him alone time sometimes, but we don't talk every day. On average we talk once or twice a week. I'm mostly having a problem with the days I don't even get texts.

If he doesn't message you, message him. That was the point of my post! If he doesn't message me, I make sure everything is alright, that is all. I don't need him to tell me his every step and if he wants to just relax and not even bother to start up his computer or go out and spend time with his family - that is perfectly fine! But if I don't hear from him until 9pm his time (which is about the time he goes to bed), I am going to message him to know if he is alright.

[rhabdoviridae]

At this stage of my relationship (almost nine years together, over a year married, over three years LD), it would bother me not to hear from him regularly. Our communication routine includes one phone call every night at the least, sometimes a few texts over the course of the day and sometimes another phone call on the weekends. There are times when we have to be flexible. For example, when one of us is out with friends for an evening, sometimes we just get a text when the other person gets home letting them know they got home safely. When he was visiting family, we could only talk for a few minutes each night instead of longer per usual.

It's not clear how long you've been dating, but it's possible that you just haven't established a routine yet. It takes some getting used to and it may be that he hasn't yet figured out the best way to fit that into his schedule. I would discuss it with him ("It's important to me that I hear from you at least once a day, even if it's just a quick text") but give him time to adjust.

[snow]

Let's keep it real here. She said he does this every once in a while for 24 hours that he doesn't message her first, but he is not ignoring her messages when she messages him. Cut him some slack.

[Moon]

Let's keep it real here. She said he does this every once in a while for 24 hours that he doesn't message her first, but he is not ignoring her messages when she messages him. Cut him some slack.

I agree with this. My guy tends to fall asleep on me at least once a week, if not twice. If he's out with his friends, I don't expect to hear from him at all then, either. While it's great to have some sort of communication everyday, it's not always realistic, sometimes life just gets in the way. Also, instead of focusing so much on the quantity of communication, maybe the quality of it should be the important thing here.

[whatruckus]

I agree with snow. You can't really expect to talk to him every single day, it's not really realistic. Life gets in the way sometimes. I don't get to talk to my SO every day. Like yesterday, I didn't get to talk to him at all because he crashed as soon as he got home from work and slept all the way through until he woke up this morning. Today, I wanted to talk to him so I messaged him when he got home. Now we're talking. It's not really a big deal. Even if you were CD, I wouldn't really expect to talk every day. Does it suck sometimes? Sure, but it's not an end all, be all.

[whatruckus]

I agree with this. My guy tends to fall asleep on me at least once a week, if not twice. If he's out with his friends, I don't expect to hear from him at all then, either. While it's great to have some sort of communication everyday, it's not always realistic, sometimes life just gets in the way. Also, instead of focusing so much on the quantity of communication, maybe the quality of it should be the important thing here.

I'm lmao because we posted basically the same thing, at like the same time. Hahaha.

[whatruckus]

Yes, it would bother me that he says he doesn't have the time to talk to me but makes time for my friends that he knew through me. I've had this happen before and I ended up stop being friends with all of the people who did that.

I don't understand why you would stop being friends with them if your SO was the one talking to them, and making time for them instead of you. It's not really their fault...

[Unconditional]

Also, instead of focusing so much on the quantity of communication, maybe the quality of it should be the important thing here.

I agree with this. If the quality of communication is great, then you really don't notice if the quantity ifs low on it, just because a phone call could mean so much and such. Well, you still notice, but is less of an impact than if the quality of the communication is not so good

I agree with snow. You can't really expect to talk to him every single day, it's not really realistic. Life gets in the way sometimes. I don't get to talk to my SO every day. Like yesterday, I didn't get to talk to him at all because he crashed as soon as he got home from work and slept all the way through until he woke up this morning. Today, I wanted to talk to him so I messaged him when he got him. Now we're talking. It's not really a big deal. Even if you were CD, I wouldn't really expect to talk every day. Does it suck sometimes? Sure, but it's not an end all, be all.

Agreed.
Life happens. Life gets in the way sometimes. People forget! Sometimes people are exhausted. In a perfect world, that wouldn't happen, and you would text and talk every single day\minute, but life is NOT perfect, people are not perfect. Sometimes you have a long day at work and want to rewind and play some video games and become so engrossed in said Games that you forget to text someone, but as soon as you are reminded of them ( i.e. a text or phone call) you still really enjoy their company.
This ifs really all I have to say at the moment

[Polly]

I agree with snow. You can't really expect to talk to him every single day, it's not really realistic. Life gets in the way sometimes. I don't get to talk to my SO every day. Like yesterday, I didn't get to talk to him at all because he crashed as soon as he got home from work and slept all the way through until he woke up this morning. Today, I wanted to talk to him so I messaged him when he got home. Now we're talking. It's not really a big deal. Even if you were CD, I wouldn't really expect to talk every day. Does it suck sometimes? Sure, but it's not an end all, be all.

I do see what everyone is saying here, sometimes it's understandable if he forgets to send me a message for a whole day. But I have to emphasize WE DO NOT TALK EVERYDAY, nor do I expect us to talk everyday. That is not realistic because he is often tired or too busy. We actually only talk once a week. What I'm pointing out is that it would be nice to get even a short text on the days when we can't talk, and usually if that doesn't happen, then I reach out and send him a text. It just bothers me when I have to do that because sometimes it makes me feel like I am making all the effort.

I do see that he makes efforts in other ways, so I cut him some slack for not always communicating, but it doesn't keep it from bothering me on the days I don't hear from him at all. I guess what I'm saying, is for me, personally I find it hard to feel connected or close to him with an average of one phone call a week (maybe two) and some texting, if on top of that he sometimes lets a day here or there go by with no communication.

But I do feel better knowing that this has happened for a lot of people, and that it isn't really a big deal. Sometimes, though it's hard for me to not feel what I feel.

What makes me I guess feel more needy is that we don't get to visit each other often. On average we go for 2 months without seeing other and my visits are very short (3-4 days) because we both work full time and our employers only allow for 3 weeks vacation time in a year, so we have to really spread those days out. On top of that, he has to ration out his vacation time to visit his family who are in another country, so he can't devote all of his allotted vacation days to visit me. I understand that, because he needs to visit his family too.