Am I being too unreasonable?

[Kapwned]

So my boyfriend and I met on an online dating site. I wasn't really interested in dating at first, I just wanted people to talk to online because I don't really have any friends locally and my job and schooling have me glued to a computer. We didn't talk on the site long before adding each other to Skype. When I attempted to talk to him he didn't really talk much. It'd take him usually over an hour to respond (kind of hard to have conversations that way) or he'd just disappear so I assumed he was too busy or wasn't interested in talking to me. So as time went on I stopped messaging him. Months passed and he randomly decided to message me. Coincidentally I was going through a hard time so he invited me to do a voice chat to talk about it. We clicked instantly and ended up talking for hours. While we spoke he admitted that he is horrible at IM conversations since he's horrible at multitasking and he's always working on something at the computer, and it is a pet peeve of his for others to be impatient and demand immediate responses from him. So we fell into this routine of doing voice chats on Skype every day since it was much easier to talk that way. Eventually we started dating and the chats continued. We've never really gone a day without talking even just a little bit on Skype until recently.

As of late Skype has not been working well on his computer. It makes his computer crash and he's pretty much fed up with it.

So lately all of our communication has been via Facebook messages and it is such a contrast to what we once had, it's kind of frustrating. He never signs into the messenger so I never know when he's there. When I message him it's a shot in the dark. And as expected he on average takes over an hour to respond to anything I say. So I tried finding fixes for his Skype issues, but he said nothing worked. I told him to try running the diagnostics tool on his computer and to post it to the forums so they can check it out for him. He didn't act very receptive of this suggestion, so I began to explore our back up options for calls - Google Hang Outs, Trillion, Ventrilo, etc. But he doesn't seem too enthusiastic about using them. I don't think he quite see's what the voice chats mean to me and I don't think he remembers why we started doing voice chats in the first place (because we connected better that way and it was easier).

Amongst the many other things going on in my life paired with unmedicated anxiety disorder, a few other conditions, and stress... I got a little emotional and started to take it a little personal and we ended up having an argument over it. He thought I was accusing him of avoiding me which I wasn't. I just didn't understand why he wasn't being very receptive to my suggestions and ideas. And we've already had a bit of an misunderstanding as he took me asking if he was busy as being impatient and demanding of his attention while he was working on something. I wasn't, I was honestly just asking if he was busy. And so he's been losing his patience with me as of late and I feel like I'm walking on thin ice.

People have told me I'm being clingy, unreasonable, and ungrateful. If we have absolutely no other option then it's fine, but I just feel like if it could be helped, why not?

Am I being too unreasonable and asking too much by wanting to find us an alternative means of doing voice chats?

[differentcountries]

Maybe you can use phone calls as a way for him to remember what hearing voices feels like, that way it might also be easier to help him through the changes he needs to do on his computer.

Generally, it is easy to get caught up in the words used if you already don't communicate well. For us, it works very well to ask him if he is busy because he IS generally busy (with working set hours, mostly) and he feels very appreciated that I acknowledge that. For you guys, it might work better to simply ask him what he is doing or what time he will be available to chat, call etc. That way he can get time to finish whatever he is doing while you don't have to wait on his whim but can do something, too.

[corrda00]

I don't think you're being clingy or unreasonable.

However this is difficult situation, because it involves communication. You need communication to solve issues, so solving an issue that involves communication can be hard.

My advice I guess would find out his thoughts about communication, how often he wants to communicate and what his reasoning is for avoiding voice chats? Everyone's different, some people like talking every day, some people like talking every weeek. Also maybe ask if theres anything going on thats making him more quiet and less talkitive, maybe he's stressed or dealing with something in his life.

Im no expert but thats what I would try.

[Kapwned]

Maybe you can use phone calls as a way for him to remember what hearing voices feels like, that way it might also be easier to help him through the changes he needs to do on his computer.

Generally, it is easy to get caught up in the words used if you already don't communicate well. For us, it works very well to ask him if he is busy because he IS generally busy (with working set hours, mostly) and he feels very appreciated that I acknowledge that. For you guys, it might work better to simply ask him what he is doing or what time he will be available to chat, call etc. That way he can get time to finish whatever he is doing while you don't have to wait on his whim but can do something, too.

I don't think you're being clingy or unreasonable.

However this is difficult situation, because it involves communication. You need communication to solve issues, so solving an issue that involves communication can be hard.

My advice I guess would find out his thoughts about communication, how often he wants to communicate and what his reasoning is for avoiding voice chats? Everyone's different, some people like talking every day, some people like talking every weeek. Also maybe ask if theres anything going on thats making him more quiet and less talkitive, maybe he's stressed or dealing with something in his life.

Im no expert but thats what I would try.

Nice to find more people who think I'm not being unreasonable. But you guys make some good points and suggestions. I do think we are prone to communication issues if we're just limited to text. With calls you can hear tone. Like when I asked if he was busy, he later said "I got a paragraph and a half of you upset because I didn't reply right away from your messages."


This is what he was referring to:

8/16, 7:06pm
Me
Could we talk on Skype sometime tonight?

8/16, 8:24pm
Me
Busy?

8/16, 8:24pm
Him
A little - whats up?

8/16, 8:25pm
Me
Nothing. Just wanted to talk to you and you hadn't responded to me or said anything.

8/16, 8:34pm
Him
Ah' I'm talking to Sean and Tony about stuff and things

8/16, 8:36pm
Me
Okay. Well, when you can I would really like it if we could get on skype.

(we had found that Outlook essentially has a browser version of Skype and tried it out)

Our chat beyond that was as per usual until he brought up that my sensitivity as of late has put him in a difficult position and he doesn't know what he wants to do because he feels like he doesn't even have to try to upset me and he can do it and he used that portion of conversation up there as example. I honestly don't see how he could have interpreted that as upset and impatient with him, but just as he claims I am being too sensitive he is being sensitive and presumptuous himself. I understand I shouldn't have gotten upset and taken it so personally as time went on, but I also feel like he's being a bit melodramatic and misunderstanding me and letting it unfairly affect his judgement of me when he has hardly even spoke to me about it.

Our first initial argument stemmed from when I asked him if perhaps part of the reason he wasn't acting very eager to find a Skype alternative was possibly because he wanted space and if so I wanted to know what it was that I was doing or what could be done. And as I previously mentioned he took it as me accusing him of avoiding me. That was when he went and got onto Outlook, called me, and griped at me for being so melodramatic and accusing him of stuff and told me I was being really obnoxious about it and he was beginning to lose his patience with me. It's been 2 days and he hasn't been on Outlook since and I can sense some lingering bitterness as he hasn't been as affectionate in the way he speaks and when I was trying to tell him good night last night and I love him he didn't respond.

I just really want to get back to us hearing each others voices so there's less room for interpretation. I have decided to let things cool down for now. I just really feel like with the way he is handling it and how our current means of communication are set up makes it so the ball is completely in his court and he has control of the situation.

[Hollandia]

There's always Google Hangouts too and plenty of other programs to vid chat or voice chat with. When people get told, I don't have internet and they live in a civilized area of the globe and they previously had it, it's a flag. When people claim they can't vid or voice chat because of programs giving them problems with their computer for a long period of time, it is also a flag. I think your right, he wants some space. I would talk to him about it via email and then frankly, give it to him. Let him be the one to contact you and go find other things to do with your time. Don't sit by the phone and fester over doing so.

He used to talk to you on Skype daily and now he has problems with Skype and so can only FB message? Yeah, no, I don't think you are clingy for waiting to be able to keep the communication at the same level it was before, and I would ask him point blank if he WANTS to voice/vid call with you. Google hangouts work just like Skype so I suggest he try that, if he won't, then you have your answer and have to decide where to move forward from there. You are not being clingy but he also does not have to want to continue to talk to you daily, will you be okay with that?


If you tell your SO you love them and they get the message and don't respond, you have a problem. He never came back next day and said, Sorry I did not see that text and I love you too? I hate to say this but I think you have a bigger problem than "hearing each other's voices". He is puling away for some reason and you might be smothering him or he might resent the obligation to talk to you more than he wants. You have to ask him. I think I would have a conversation about what you both want from this relationship and work out a compromise but sometimes it's good give each other some space and do other things. It sounds like he is taking you for granted a bit, I would not be okay with that. He called you melodramatic so it sounds like he is indeed somewhat annoyed by you. I suggest you write him an email and tell him how you feel. Re-read before you send it and make sure it does not read with a ton of emotion, but instead be rational. Explain how you feel and ask him to write an email in response, then perhaps the two of you can get out how you both really feel and work through it. All relationships have rough patches, as long as both parties want to work through it, you could come out stronger than ever.

[Kapwned]

Well I guess I should put it out there that it's not that I don't believe that Skype isn't working for him. It's notorious for bugging out as of late. I don't think he's lying about that. But I do think that he is sort of taking advantage of this opportunity to get some space. Then I, completely unaware, started trying to find ways to fix Skype or find alternatives to at least give us back the option to do online calls, and it probably started to bug him and put him at a state where when I asked him if he was looking for space, he too was feeling a bit hypersensitive and assumed I was accusing him of avoiding me. So I had posted on another forum asking for advice and people were like "You are being way too clingy." "Get a life!" It's not that I'm sitting here all day waiting around for him. I have work, classes are starting up soon, I'm moving, and I have other things to keep me occupied. But I do like to dedicate some time in the evenings to talk to him and I really do not think that is asking a lot. I just want a compromise, to which some people on the other forums even said "He doesn't need to compromise, space should be a given!" which I whole heartedly disagree. It's fine to like time together and it's fine to like time apart. Liking time together doesn't make one clingy, and liking time apart doesn't mean they don't enjoy your company. So a compromise for people who are on different ends of that spectrum is obviously the most respectful route.

It's not like I'm one of those girls who is like "Soooooo... whatcha thinkin' about?" I basically just hang out with him while we do our own things.

So I'm stuck at this point where I want to discuss it but thanks to the past few days I am hesitant because I feel like anything I say will be interpreted as attacking him or accusing him of something. I guess I'll give it a few days, think of how I want to word it, and bring it up again.

"So how do you feel about making a compromise and finding a more regular alternative to Skype? I know I sort of jumped the gun last time, but I really do enjoy my time with you in our calls and I'd like to get back to being able to do evening calls with you."

Something along the lines of that.

[Unconditional]

It's not clingy or unreasonable to find a different means of communication.
Yes, in a few days I would find a way to bring it up again, in a non accusatory way.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

So I just want to give another perspective:

It could be really bugging him that Skype isn't working but he doesn't know what to do about it. He may feel he is doing his best with Facebook messaging and he may think you are not grateful for it. I only say this because a friend of mine was having the same issue with Skype and her boyfriend got mad when she suggested trying other things and after they sat down and talked about it one night she found out he felt that she wasn't grateful that he was trying his best to fix issues. May not be that same with your SO but I thought I would put that out there.

My boyfriend and I use oovoo and we hardly ever have any problems, so maybe you could casually bring it up like "Have you ever used oovoo? I heard it works pretty well." Or something. Like Hollandia said, there are a ton of alternatives. You aren't being unreasonable though.

[differentcountries]

a compromise for people who are on different ends of that spectrum is obviously the most respectful route.

It is not a compromise when you are just debating how to get things back to what they were, only via another route. That is just a strategy for returning back and has nothing to do with giving him space.

But let me tell you, every time I offered to, not give my boyfriend more space but for us to do things differently/more seldom, it has ended up bringing us closer. Because his world consists of people telling him what to do, with me he would rather want me to GET what he wants (or rather needs) without him having to actally say it. Because that feeling of being understood is wonderful.

[Kapwned]

So I just want to give another perspective:

It could be really bugging him that Skype isn't working but he doesn't know what to do about it. He may feel he is doing his best with Facebook messaging and he may think you are not grateful for it. I only say this because a friend of mine was having the same issue with Skype and her boyfriend got mad when she suggested trying other things and after they sat down and talked about it one night she found out he felt that she wasn't grateful that he was trying his best to fix issues. May not be that same with your SO but I thought I would put that out there.

My boyfriend and I use oovoo and we hardly ever have any problems, so maybe you could casually bring it up like "Have you ever used oovoo? I heard it works pretty well." Or something. Like Hollandia said, there are a ton of alternatives. You aren't being unreasonable though.

He did say something like that in our one call on Outlook. He said he felt like what he was doing wasn't enough and he said it seems like I feel I have to have it may way or I'm not happy and that I can't expect a fix to happen quickly. I understand I probably was being a bit obnoxious, I probably sent him nearly ten different fixes. But it wasn't really that I wanted to have my way. That makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I just wanted to maintain what we had going on.

Can you see simple voice chats on oovoo? I don't always necessarily want to be on my camera. Like I said, we usually just talked while doing other things.

[Kapwned]

It is not a compromise when you are just debating how to get things back to what they were, only via another route. That is just a strategy for returning back and has nothing to do with giving him space.

But let me tell you, every time I offered to, not give my boyfriend more space but for us to do things differently/more seldom, it has ended up bringing us closer. Because his world consists of people telling him what to do, with me he would rather want me to GET what he wants (or rather needs) without him having to actally say it. Because that feeling of being understood is wonderful.

Well a compromise would be along side finding another option for doing our calls. If he's beating around getting back into a messenger with voice chats because he'd like to have some space he should speak up or express it somehow instead of forcing it.

He wants space, I want to be able to talk to him via voice chats. Compromise would be allowing me to have voice chats again while also giving him more space. Maybe we don't do voice chats every day. Maybe they aren't as long as they used to be. Maybe they're only at night. Maybe they're only on the weekend. Something. But for him to force space while denying me my perfectly reasonable request is just as disrespectful as me demanding more voice chats while he wants space.

Right now I am indeed trying to respect his needs without verbalizing it too much because I don't want to come off as nagging at this point - I already did a lot of talking over the weekend. But right now it really is also a guessing game.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

He did say something like that in our one call on Outlook. He said he felt like what he was doing wasn't enough and he said it seems like I feel I have to have it may way or I'm not happy and that I can't expect a fix to happen quickly. I understand I probably was being a bit obnoxious, I probably sent him nearly ten different fixes. But it wasn't really that I wanted to have my way. That makes me sound like a spoiled brat. I just wanted to maintain what we had going on.

Can you see simple voice chats on oovoo? I don't always necessarily want to be on my camera. Like I said, we usually just talked while doing other things.

Yeah you can! You can do a voice call or simply cut your camera off

And I completely understand you wanting to maintain what you had. I had the same issue for a little while and it took a lot of back and forth talking and a bit of arguing for things to get better. But things did get better. I hope things work out for you!

[Hollandia]

You can do voice chats on Google Hangout too.

The only thing that concerns me is your use of the word "allow". Allow is what you let your child do, not your partner. This should be an adult conversation about you both want and work a way to find a solution that makes both of you happy. A bit of give and take, but if he really does not want to be doing voice chats then at some point you might need to accept that. You have every right to tell him it hurts that he would feel this way but if you push him into doing something he does not enjoy he could end up resenting you for it and then starting to act cold or snap at you, what people do when they are no longer happy with someone.

[Kapwned]

You can do voice chats on Google Hangout too.

The only thing that concerns me is your use of the word "allow". Allow is what you let your child do, not your partner. This should be an adult conversation about you both want and work a way to find a solution that makes both of you happy. A bit of give and take, but if he really does not want to be doing voice chats then at some point you might need to accept that. You have every right to tell him it hurts that he would feel this way but if you push him into doing something he does not enjoy he could end up resenting you for it and then starting to act cold or snap at you, what people do when they are no longer happy with someone.

Yes, it would never be my intention or desire to force him into doing something he doesn't like and if he absolutely didn't want to talk on voice chats then I'd respect that. Though I do admit I'd be hurt and confused. He seemed to be fine with it, never seemed bothered by it, and he's in Teamspeak with his gaming friends daily, so you may see where I could be unaware.

Yeah you can! You can do a voice call or simply cut your camera off

And I completely understand you wanting to maintain what you had. I had the same issue for a little while and it took a lot of back and forth talking and a bit of arguing for things to get better. But things did get better. I hope things work out for you!

Thank you, me too. I really hope I haven't screwed up my relationship over something so silly. We were fine this time last week. Then the Skype thing happened and I guess I quickly turned obnoxious about it. I was just being overly sensitive and took it too personal when he didn't show much interest in getting back to those means of contact.

[Kapwned]

I was thinking of messaging him tonight. I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to say. I don't want it to sound selfish like I want to get my way. I want to cater to his needs as well.

So I know I was acting ridiculous, I guess I was just worried and worked up over the Skype situation since our time on Skype calls means a lot to me and I went overboard. And I want to know what I can do for you to make things right again or make it up to you. I want to do or find something that can work for the both of us.

or

So looking back at the things I said and how I acted, I really am rather ashamed of myself, humiliated, and I can't apologize enough.

Followed up by

I love you and I want to make it up to you. I really do just want to make things right again and I am willing to work with you and do what it takes to make you happy again. I've already made an appointment with my doctor as promised and I intend on keeping all of the promises I make to you.

My approach is to put less focus on me and more on him, his wants and needs, in order to make it less I've looked up how to address conflicts with SOs with AS, I've asked the opinion of a guy friend who has a fairly similar temperament as my boyfriend, my best friend, a friend who is going through a similar situation, and of course I came here. I wanted to think hard about what I wanted to say. I rambled a lot those two days and probably pushed him away some. It was mostly me defending myself, explaining myself, and I figured this way I'd cater more to him in hopes of making the situation more approachable.

I don't want to drone on, I want to hit a few birds with one stone but I don't want to want to leave the message or question feeling heavy or loaded.