Talk of Marriage?

[Polly]

So, I'm 30, my SO is 31, we dated close distance for 7 months, he moved away to another country on a 3 year work visa. We've been together almost 1 year and a half, with almost a year of that being long distance.

We have had talks about marriage. I'm more open to the idea of being married after we have dated more, even if it is long distance. He feels that dating long distance isn't the same as dating close distance, and wants to wait until he returns (3 years!) and for our relationship to progress more from there. So, basically he wants us to wait it out until we close the distance and have our relationship progress normally.

I have told him that sometimes I have this fear that he is stringing me along with no commitment. He didn't have anything to say in response to that.
Before he left, he did tell me he can't promise me anything, other than that he wants us to be together and for the relationship to progress. He loves me, and wants to be with me, pays for my flights to visit him, makes time for me, and is over all considerate and makes me a priority as best he can given his work commitments.

However, I still can't shake the feeling that he isn't committed. I don't know if it is reasonable to date long distance for 3 years without the promise of marriage. In the beginning, he said that we would do long distance for a year and then think about getting married, but now that it's been that long, he said he doesn't feel that he's ready for that yet. It's true, after dating close distance for 7 months, and then seeing each other for a total of about a month spread out over a year long distance, that's not a huge amount of time spent together.

Do I have reasons for concern? Should I be more patient? I know lots of people here have waited for as long or longer.
Am I being too close-minded to think there should be a timeline for things like marriage? I just don't want to be that couple who date forever and then end up breaking up.

[differentcountries]

I can understand that marriage may seem a big leap if you have few /little time on visits. Is there any way to spend more time together during the year?

My friends married while long distance and were (due to education mostly) LD for 3-4 years before being able to close the distance. They say being married help them focus. It can help but only if you are ready for it.

[Polly]

I can understand that marriage may seem a big leap if you have few /little time on visits. Is there any way to spend more time together during the year?

My friends married while long distance and were (due to education mostly) LD for 3-4 years before being able to close the distance. They say being married help them focus. It can help but only if you are ready for it.

I would do anything to spend more time with him on visits, but we both have full time jobs. I only get a few weeks vacation time allowed a year from work, so I have to spread it out. This means we get to see each other about every 2 months for about 4 days, and maybe a week in December for Christmas.

I've tried getting a job in the States where he is, but no luck. I know of couples who dated long distance for less time than us, and ended up getting married before closing the distance.

[Petals]

Ah Polly,


I think you should put this matter to rest at least for another year else you risk driving yourself nuts or nagging him to death (lol). When he has one year left on his contract, his decision then will tell you if he's stringing you along. If he decides to extend without considering how that impacts your relationship then you know it is time to bid him farewell. On the other hand, if he decides to extend his contract but have you join him (which means marriage) or return home to live with you then you have your answer.

Try focusing your energy elsewhere. The mind is powerful! If you feed it with negative thoughts they will take root and manifest themselves in various areas of your relationship. Enjoy what you have now and make yourself a date to ponder this question when he has a year left on his contract.


I know telling you to stop thinking about it is far easier said than done!

I have had to do this where having a child is concerned, because it was driving me mad. I went back on BC because my SO asked me to do so and it was a very painful decision because I want nothing more than to have a child. We discussed it and I agreed because it is best for our fairly new relationship now. We don't want a long distance pregnancy, so we will wait until we are married and together permanently in 2016. He has promised that having a child will be at the top of our list of priorities then and he will do whatever possible to make that happen if we encounter any medical issues.

We cannot predict the future;we can only make the best decisions with the information we have now. The rest will fall into place and worrying about it accomplishes nothing.

All the best!

[Polly]

Thanks Ally,

I've stopped bringing up the topic of marriage, and am just seeing how things go, but of course, it is on my mind a lot even if I don't express it to my boyfriend all the time!

You're right, it's not good to stress myself out over this right now. My fear is though, that another year will pass, and my boyfriend will still have no answer, so I'll just have to keep waiting. I'm trying my best to live in the present, but it's really difficult to not feel insecure, to trust him.

In my last relationship, my ex travelled for a month overseas, barely kept in touch and then a month later broke up with me because he said he stopped having feelings for me. I found out a year later that he married and had a baby! Although my current relationship is nothing like that, my boyfriend is very sweet and caring, I have this irrational insecurity - this feeling that it's personal, him not being ready for marriage, like he can't commit to me because he doesn't see me being "the one". He told me him not being ready for marriage right now has nothing to do with his feelings for me, but a part of me still feels insecure about it.

[OperaDiva]

I think you need to ask yourself a few questions because it sounds to me that you are stressed about things not because they are real issues, but because you feel they don't measure up to the elusive and pointless "standard" for relationship and life-stage.
Is this really a question about marriage or about commitment? If I were you I would not mix the two up (they are not unrelated, but it can add to the confusion of long-distance turmoil) because commitment can be strong or weak, growing or waning regardless of the marital status. What do you really want, for yourself - to settle or travel, to have a career, have kids, regardless of what you think you "must" have to "measure up"? What kind of a relationship do you want - are milestones important for you, is it honesty and progression, or do you want promises and stability? Are you happy in your current relationship, regardless of the distance (I know this is a tricky one, but if you feel that your needs are being met, that you love, care and respect each other then that would be a "yes" in my opinion)? 7 months is not very long, and it is not surprising that neither you nor your SO have all the answers yet. And a relationship is about investment of trust and time, whether LD or CD, that has no guarantees in the end. Good luck!

PS I would strongly advise against bringing your feelings towards your ex in your current relationship. It is not fair to your current SO, and it is not fair to you, because he cannot solve your insecurities for you and it will make you both unhappy if you expect him to.

[Hollandia]

He could be down the street and tell you pretty much the same things. If I had brought up marriage after a bit more than half a year, my SO would have run for the hills. If it is meant to be it will be and if not, at some you would decide this. Me and my SO have been together since 2011 and plan on marrying a in a few months. We will not have married after until right after we close the distance. If you do the math, you will see it is pretty much 3 years. I wanted marriage a year ago, but he was not ready. Sometimes good things come to those who wait.

I don't see anything wrong with a commitment of a promise to begin with. The promise is that you will love each other and stay true to each other. My SO gave me a necklace as a promise after the first year. Later in the year that promise will lead to a ring on my finger. As long as you too are exclusive and love each other, you can weather this storm. Also marriage is not just a commitment it is a binding union that is intended to be for the rest of your life. Do not enter in it lightly or because of being in an LDR you could end up like me, divorced two times. Marriage is not an easy fix and if you push someone into it that is not ready, it will most likely backfire and cause them to resent you for it. He is being honest by telling you he is not ready for it and perhaps you might not realize it but after 7 months, I doubt you are too.

Go back to just having fun together and loving each other. Make your calls with him be he what he looks forward too and does not dread having "that subject" come up again. Be happy, be loving and enjoy your man.

[differentcountries]

I would do anything to spend more time with him on visits, but we both have full time jobs. I only get a few weeks vacation time allowed a year from work, so I have to spread it out. This means we get to see each other about every 2 months for about 4 days, and maybe a week in December for Christmas.

So you have no summer vacation or time off for Easter? What about him, does he have vacation rights?

[Hollandia]

So you have no summer vacation or time off for Easter? What about him, does he have vacation rights?

In the USA we tend not to have as much vacation time as in Europe. My SO gets 25 days a year off. I never had more than 14. Christmas was an extra few days, Easter is on a Sunday and maybe one day and Thanksgiving you get a few. When you work in retail you forget Easter time off and nowadays Thanksgiving. In the auto business I had to work many holidays, in the food business, I worked them all. Most other holidays are one days. Summer vacation is for school children and unless you are a teacher, just another working day of the year. Many people try to use their time wrapped around existing one day holidays near a weekend like Memorial Day but then you need to have the seniority to get them and be quick in line to do so too. If you want day that off, you had better ask in the beginning of the year for it, and sometimes it is hard to plan vacations so far in advance.

@Polly. Are you the only one travelling? Surely he gets as much time off work as you? You don't need to be off from work for him to come to see you or vice versa, if you do marry someday you will be holding down jobs and seeing each other around jobs then too.

[Polly]

He could be down the street and tell you pretty much the same things. If I had brought up marriage after a bit more than half a year, my SO would have run for the hills.

The interesting things is, it was my boyfriend who brought up the the idea of marriage after 7 months of dating in the same city, not me. Then he said he wasn't ready after we had been together for a year. I understand that a year isn't long, and if we were dating in the same place I would totally not be concerned. I guess, I feel like I want more of a commitment if I'm going to wait for him for 3 years. But you are right, I can't push it right now and need to give it time.

[Hollandia]

The interesting things is, it was my boyfriend who brought up the the idea of marriage after 7 months of dating in the same city, not me. Then he said he wasn't ready after we had been together for a year. I understand that a year isn't long, and if we were dating in the same place I would totally not be concerned. I guess, I feel like I want more of a commitment if I'm going to wait for him for 3 years. But you are right, I can't push it right now and need to give it time.

My SO told me a year ago, I don't want to get married because my GF is LDR, I want to get married when I want my GF to be my wife and no other reasons. In a way it was both very hard to hear at the time and yet somewhat moving and romantic.

[Moon]

So you have no summer vacation or time off for Easter? What about him, does he have vacation rights?

Vacation "rights", in the US? That's a good one.

[Polly]

In the USA we tend not to have as much vacation time as in Europe. My SO gets 25 days a year off. I never had more than 14. Christmas was an extra few days, Easter is on a Sunday and maybe one day and Thanksgiving you get a few. When you work in retail you forget Easter time off and nowadays Thanksgiving. In the auto business I had to work many holidays, in the food business, I worked them all. Most other holidays are one days. Summer vacation is for school children and unless you are a teacher, just another working day of the year. Many people try to use their time wrapped around existing one day holidays near a weekend like Memorial Day but then you need to have the seniority to get them and be quick in line to do so too. If you want day off, you had better ask in the beginning of the year for it, and sometimes it is hard to plan vacations so far in advance.

@Polly. Are you the only one travelling? Surely he gets as much time off work as you? You don't need to be off from work for him to come to see you or vice versa, if you do marry someday you will be holding down jobs and seeing each other around jobs then too.

This is all true, my boyfriend doesn't get a lot of vacation time and neither do I. I have to request my time off sometimes very far in advance, so it can be tricky planning our visits.

I'm not the only one traveling, but when I visit him, he takes vacation time at the same time so we can spend time together. Otherwise, he would be working all day and night while I'm there. His job is relentless and demands a lot of his time so in order for us to have quality time when I visit, he takes those days off too.

Also, when he does manage to visit me, it's tricky because he has family back home but not in the same city where I live, so for example, when he came to visit me about 6 months ago, we spent half of his visit traveling to visit his friends and family because they all wanted to see him. Every time he comes to visit me, all of his family and friends all want time with him too but it adds more travel time to his trip. And I totally understand they miss him too, so of course I can't expect him to say no to them.

[Malaga]

For many people marriage isn't a matter of emotional commitment but practical circumstances. I mean, for them not being ready doesn't mean "I'm not sure you're the one" but that their life is not at a point yet when they feel comfortable taking on this wholly grown-up commitment that is marriage. What are his plans after his 3 years are up? Does he have another job lined up? Does he know what he wants to do with his career, where he wants to live? If he doesn't have an answer to these things, it may be very hard for him to feel ready for married life, and by that I mean practical commitment rather than emotional: supporting each other financially, making decisions that reflect the plans and needs of both of you. It's a huge responsibility and it's hard to feel ready for it if your current situation is unstable. I'm like that too, and my SO. We discussed marriage in the first few months of our relationship and agreed it's what we would like to happen, but 4 years later we're still not quite there yet. I know for many people circumstances like that don't really matter and they feel ready to get married even if they don't feel settled in their personal lives, but there are many others who are just not that kind of people. I think the definition of 'being ready' is individual for everyone, it's down to their personality and not necessarily a proof of commitment or lack of it.

Does he make plans with you for your future together (regardless of marriage)? Does he take actions to make that future happen? (Do you?) If the answer is yes, then I think it's likely that he's too preoccupied with his current circumstances, getting his ducks in a row so to say, to focus on marriage right now. For example, some of my friends and family think it's odd that we're not engaged or married yet. But my SO's just bought a house for us in the area we chose to settle in, and to me that's more of a proof of commitment that an engagement ring.

You identified this as your insecurity, now you need to question why do you place so much meaning on it. Not saying marriage shouldn't be important to you, but why do you see engagement as something that validates your relationship? It doesn't make it more real or more serious, it's just another moment in your relationship which you build up to. There's no other way. Enjoy where you are at each point in time and make the best of it - the better foundations you lie down, the more solid your future will be.

[differentcountries]

In the USA we tend not to have as much vacation time as in Europe. My SO gets 25 days a year off. I never had more than 14. Christmas was an extra few days, Easter is on a Sunday and maybe one day and Thanksgiving you get a few. When you work in retail you forget Easter time off and nowadays Thanksgiving. In the auto business I had to work many holidays, in the food business, I worked them all. Most other holidays are one days. Summer vacation is for school children and unless you are a teacher, just another working day of the year. Many people try to use their time wrapped around existing one day holidays near a weekend like Memorial Day but then you need to have the seniority to get them and be quick in line to do so too. If you want day that off, you had better ask in the beginning of the year for it, and sometimes it is hard to plan vacations so far in advance.

@Polly. Are you the only one travelling? Surely he gets as much time off work as you? You don't need to be off from work for him to come to see you or vice versa, if you do marry someday you will be holding down jobs and seeing each other around jobs then too.

I am slowing understanding how big the difference really is! In Norway the standard vacation time is 38 days, prefferably taken as 4 weeks in July and 1 week in October. We also tend to have more 3-day holidays throughout the year, and for Christmas and Easter the whole country closes down for a week, the few ones working get double pay. We have a tradition of not paying overtime but saving it up as holiday time to take time off for longweekends. It must be hard to plan with little vacation. The only time I have not had summer holiday was when I was a student (we got student loans for 10 months a year only) and had to support myself in the summers.

I use most of my free time with SO as study time when he works. He works all day every day (he had one day off so far in season) and he can't take time off when I am there. I see this as rehersal for more CD life when we will both be working, although I do hope he gets better hours in the new job! But we are doing it like this until next year when he goes into military. When he comes here I will probably have Christmas holiday which will be about 10 days but if he stays longer than that I will work daytime 4-5 days a week when he is here and that is just life.