There seems to be no future for us

[carlose1886]

Well ever since the last posting. So far there isn't much luck in figuring out our futures. For her, the family she was with in Torino (the family she was with when I visited her). From what I know things didn't go well with the family towards the last month. So far she's been finding other nanny jobs in Italy was not an issue. Well long story short she got a job and accepted it from a family who lives south of Torino about 50 miles. Well the day she was about to go she get a message saying they hired someone else. Wasn't to happy about it. Well she stuck with out a job. She gets another offer from a single woman from the UK. Well she decided to take the job there. Since she looked into it before hand.

It was a day that I was at work. This happened. When I got home. We talked about it. What we thought was out future possibly be in the UK. The reason she moved to the UK, was because she researched that there was a warehouse company that I work for also in the UK. She figured it be a good idea if she take the job in the UK and see if it goes well for more then month then I could transfer warehouses with out ever having to quit the company. I was really liking the idea about it. Well of course I was excited but also prayed that UK isn't so bad for her. Even told my boss on figuring out on how I can transfer warehouses in the UK.

Fast forward to three days after she arrived which would be Friday of last week. Now she doesn't want to be there after three days. I had to ask why she don't like the UK. Pretty much she said she got homesick. I can understand that being in Italy for almost a year yea you get used to it. Well I really couldn't say much. All she said to me was how sorry she is and sorry she failed me. I mean I can't say much but understand her point. Now I don't know what to do. Now it's pointless to even ask my boss to help me with the transfer. Sadly there is no warehouse company in Italy like there is here and in Mexico and the UK and so on. Also recently opened a new warehouse in Sevilla, Spain. Which I also mentioned.....she refuses to go to Spain. I kind of don't see myself go to Spain either but I'm willing to for her. But got a "No". Also she showed me a job offer which would accept couples. I liked it and asked her about it. Her replay was "Why bother" or "There is no future for us". I tried to get her to come here to California. But says she doesn't have the money to come. Which I offered to pay but doesn't want me to. It's like she gave up. There is no hope, I would have to quit my job and pretty much go over to where she is but I also have to apply for workers visa and have some knowledge of Italian. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get. Even at work I have a hard time concentrating and already I can't get my mind off of it. I feel like going into depression as each day goes by. *sigh* I really wish there was something out there that can give us an opportunity for us to be together.

[lilspitfire]

I really wish there was something out there that can give us an opportunity for us to be together.

She's not really helping at all by turning down your suggestions. You need to talk to her about if she even sees a future with you because words like "Why bother and there's no future for us." are huge red flags. Doesn't even seem like she is at all interested in even trying.

[differentcountries]

Of course she is homesick. But after three days, she knows nothing about her host or the country. She could try a bit more.

[Redheart14]

She's not really helping at all by turning down your suggestions. You need to talk to her about if she even sees a future with you because words like "Why bother and there's no future for us." are huge red flags. Doesn't even seem like she is at all interested in even trying.

I agree

[differentcountries]

Perhaps she went a bit to far in her attempt to close the distance. That happens. Also, since she both shows you the couple's offer AND says it will not work, she seems very undecided, perhaps even depressed. I am sure that things working out for her with two families and two countries in a row has taken its toll on her. Perhaps she for the time being should focus on finding a job/contry where she can settle. Then perhaps she will have something on her own and also feel better about accepting you to pay for her visit. If you are both determent to close the distance it might be better to discuss that in person, hopefully seeing each other in person wil be the motivation you both need.

[dhebz]

Awwww too bad, I guess she is just confused over working and being with you at the same time, it's good of you to offer her a lot of opportunity where you can be together but, to the way I read it there is something wrong with her just understand her maybe soon she will figure out what she really wanted, just hang on and PRAY for it..

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with DC that 3 days isn't long enough to get a feel for a place. (And not just a new country.. three days is barely time to get a feel for a job, a new dorm/school, a new state, etc.) I think she's rushing herself trying to expect to feel at home immediately. Homesickness is often temporary, and it will probably take a few weeks/months to settle a bit.

The "why bother" and "no future" stuff to me also sounds like the homesickness talking. It sounds like she's just feeling down, and uncertain, etc. I'd just try to be supportive and not pushy right now. Don't bring up closing distance, or your job stuff, just enjoy some time together and try to keep it light and normal.

[conejita_hada]

I agree with the other posters. Encourage her to give it a bit more time. Even a month of her being there won't be enough time to fully settle. I just moved to a new city, it's 3,000 miles away from everyone I love (including my SO) and I hate it. It's also only been one full week since I arrived so I know I must give it time. I might want to run away and go home but there are opportunities for me here I don't have back home. Be an ear for her right now, one she can complain to and say how miserable she is but also let her know you love her. You should both give it a bit more time until she gets a better understanding of her employers and the area she is in. She might not like where she is in the long-run but it's too soon to be making such big decisions. It sounds like she just needs your support right now.

[Hollandia]

I have not had a foot in USA since January and I miss it insanely. I don't even have my SO here with me right now in NL. I do this all for love. I have been beyond miserable and I miss so many things I can't count them in USA but I love my SO enough that I am moving out of USA to be with him. He is not is his country either, the only way for us to be together was to go to a totally different country in EU. He misses his country and family and friends too, he does this because he loves me enough to do it.

If your SO can't hang with 3 days of being outside of her home country, then she simply does not love you enough. LDR are all about sacrifice and if you can't do that, then it won't work.

[Dziubka]

If your SO can't hang with 3 days of being outside of her home country, then she simply does not love you enough. LDR are all about sacrifice and if you can't do that, then it won't work.

I don't think it's fair to say that someone "does not love enough".
For some people leaving their home country is worse than for others. It wouldn't be a problem whatsoever for me. I like where I grew up, but I'd been wanting to move away always since I can remember. I like living in new places, getting to know new surroundings, meeting new people, getting lost while trying to find my way home, discovering new shops that are closer to my place, etc etc. I really enjoy the excitement and confusion of it.
I know that it's a lot more difficult for my SO and if he hadn't been willing to move to my country, I would have been ok with that.

That said, I do believe that it's possible that a (long distance) relationship doesn't have a future. My SO and I met while I was living in his city, if it had been foreseeable that we wouldn't be able to have regular visits and eventually close the distance, I would not have pursued the relationship. There are millions of other people in the world and obviously this one wasn't meant to be (I swear, I can be romantic. I'm just very realistic.). You need to consider your options, how long you're willing to do the long distance thing for, how and when you can realistically close the distance and what that would mean for both of you and is there a way that you both can accept.


Three days is definitely too short to decide you don't want to be somewhere. My SO hated it here for the first weeks after our move. He had a countdown on his phone counting the days until we can move back to his city. He was so unhappy and homesick and overall miserable.
He still gets episodes of homesickness almost everytime we come back from visiting his parents/homecity, but they're getting shorter and shorter and he likes our new city now. Sometimes you've just got to pull through and find things to like about your new place. Go out. Make friends. Make friends with the place
There's not much you can do right now, except for listening to her and maybe making some suggestions how she can make peace with where she lives. You could find out about interesting places in the area and ask her about them or stuff like that.

[HappyHealthy365]

Aww. That sounds frustrating. Are there any alternative ideas of you moving to Italy? How about her going to the US? Have you asked how important is the relationship to her (vs Italy)? How important is she to you? Perhaps it is just not time and with time there will be another opportunity? When I was living in Spain, my bf was gonna move but we couldn't figure it out - frankly he didn't want to, it wasn't the right time. I ended up going to the US as a tourist and then we left traveling mutually. Due to his masters and my complicated situation (first my grandma fell ill & died and now decided that I take a job in Mexico versus being a tourist in the US again) we are in ldr again until the of the yr for sure. We are still unsure how we will close the distance for good (if you read my profile we did it several times ) but we trust the process, our love and each other

[Hollandia]

I don't think it's fair to say that someone "does not love enough".
For some people leaving their home country is worse than for others. It wouldn't be a problem whatsoever for me. I like where I grew up, but I'd been wanting to move away always since I can remember. I like living in new places, getting to know new surroundings, meeting new people, getting lost while trying to find my way home, discovering new shops that are closer to my place, etc etc. I really enjoy the excitement and confusion of it.
I know that it's a lot more difficult for my SO and if he hadn't been willing to move to my country, I would have been ok with that.

That said, I do believe that it's possible that a (long distance) relationship doesn't have a future. My SO and I met while I was living in his city, if it had been foreseeable that we wouldn't be able to have regular visits and eventually close the distance, I would not have pursued the relationship. There are millions of other people in the world and obviously this one wasn't meant to be (I swear, I can be romantic. I'm just very realistic.). You need to consider your options, how long you're willing to do the long distance thing for, how and when you can realistically close the distance and what that would mean for both of you and is there a way that you both can accept.


Three days is definitely too short to decide you don't want to be somewhere. My SO hated it here for the first weeks after our move. He had a countdown on his phone counting the days until we can move back to his city. He was so unhappy and homesick and overall miserable.
He still gets episodes of homesickness almost everytime we come back from visiting his parents/homecity, but they're getting shorter and shorter and he likes our new city now. Sometimes you've just got to pull through and find things to like about your new place. Go out. Make friends. Make friends with the place
There's not much you can do right now, except for listening to her and maybe making some suggestions how she can make peace with where she lives. You could find out about interesting places in the area and ask her about them or stuff like that.

I do. You either love someone enough to close the distance outside of your home country or not. If you don't have a legitimate reason like small children then it is selfish to think the others has to move to you. I have an adult daughter and family and friends I will miss dearly but after 3 years of this, I love him enough to do it. I would never have thought about leaving USA if I did not love him enough. I am totally one hundred percent an American and proud to be one, proud to be family member of the USA military too. As I said before, I am completely homesick but I push through to be with my love of my life. I lived in an amazing part of USA and had the best of both Philly, DC, Baltimore and NYC within a 40 min- 3 hours away. I had a huge house and a huge yard and I had to give up my dog to my Ex I could not bring here. Store were open 24/7 and there was a billion cafes and anything you could dream of at my beck and call and I lived a few hundred yard off the Chesapeake Bay in boating country. I gave it up for him, I am moving to a tiny little place in an area that still has a "divide" and a bomb threat just happened on Monday this week. I love him enough to do it, and he loves me enough to give up his beloved country.

This is 2014, so if you love someone enough, you move if you can. If you don't you don't.

[differentcountries]

While there are obviously practical problems that needs to be solved in order to relocate to another country, I do believe that if you love someone enough, you just do it. I am pretty homebound, the only reason I even met SO was that I was talked into going on holiday. If you asked me 1 year ago if I would consider myself basically spending all my time and money to travel and live part time in another country, I would laugh because it would seem absurd to me. It would not seem worth the hassle. I am not even good with language, I had to quit German in school because the grammar got to complicated for me, nothing apart from love could have had me started to learn Turkish. The things we do for love...

[Dziubka]

I do. You either love someone enough to close the distance outside of your home country or not. If you don't have a legitimate reason like small children then it is selfish to think the others has to move to you. I have an adult daughter and family and friends I will miss dearly but after 3 years of this, I love him enough to do it. I would never have thought about leaving USA if I did not love him enough. I am totally one hundred percent an American and proud to be one, proud to be family member of the USA military too. As I said before, I am completely homesick but I push through to be with my love of my life. I lived in an amazing part of USA and had the best of both Philly, DC, Baltimore and NYC within a 40 min- 3 hours away. I had a huge house and a huge yard and I had to give up my dog to my Ex I could not bring here. Store were open 24/7 and there was a billion cafes and anything you could dream of at my beck and call and I lived a few hundred yard off the Chesapeake Bay in boating country. I gave it up for him, I am moving to a tiny little place in an area that still has a "divide" and a bomb threat just happened on Monday this week. I love him enough to do it, and he loves me enough to give up his beloved country.

This is 2014, so if you love someone enough, you move if you can. If you don't you don't.

But couldn't you just as well argue that if you love someone enough, you don't make them leave their home? It's an infinite spiral that way.
You have to live somewhere, though and if you don't move to a third country, then does one party always "not love enough"?

Imho it's important to put your own wellbeing first. I love my husband, but I wouldn't do something or move somewhere that made me miserable. I would also never want him to be miserable. Yes, he was miserable when we first moved, but he himself knew it was only a phase and he wanted to live here not only for me.
Sometimes you can love someone, but the circumstances just aren't right. It doesn't mean that you don't love them enough.

[differentcountries]

But couldn't you just as well argue that if you love someone enough, you don't make them leave their home? It's an infinite spiral that way.
You have to live somewhere, though and if you don't move to a third country, then does one party always "not love enough"?

It is not about "making" someone leave their home, it is about jointly making the best decition as a couple. You have to live somewhere, if all is equal you can toss a coin and go for one option just as well as the other, unless you for some reason can structure your life in a nomadic sense and move about for long strethes of time. I sort of do that at the moment, I take my work with me and I travel. I am probably the only person sitting on the party beach reading about social analysis and health care systems, it is sort of weird but it works. If he gets another job, there is where I will go to study. He has no uppertunities to go to my country at the moment, we had a visa turndown but we will try again, better prepared, in winter. Since he works season he can get a longer "holiday" if he wants to when season ends, then he will probably take part in our nomadic lifestyle, too. I have no idea when or if the nomadism will turn into us being permenently CD some place. I don't see us going a third place - he has ties in Norway and his best friend will most likely marry and move here, so if he is not going to live in Turkey my country would be the best option. We are both social people who are close to our friends and family, so going someplace where none of us have any network would be very hard unless we really have to. Also I have my husband to think about, the more countries involved, the messier for him.

I think if he should consider moving to my country, it is only fair that I structure my life so that it is easiest possable for us to still have strong ties to Turkey. Which is part of the reason I am learning the language and educating myself about Turkey. I am sort of moarning my old life because I do realize that if he comes here, most or all of our vaction time will be spent visiting his Turkish friends and relatives. It will mean that I miss out on doing stuff that I like to do in Norway unless I become a master of priorities. I already sacrificed celebrating our national day (which is a big, big thing in Norway), I travelled in easter and had almost none of the usual easter experience that I loved since I was a child. I am structuring my life and my habits around him and our life, even when me and my husband are buying a new flat in Norway, the location we are aiming for is among other things based upon if he will like it there and being big enough to accomodate all of us. My life is not my own anymore, we all make sacrifices. Either way we choose countries, we are still going to travel a lot, accomodate a lot and balance two cultures. If he has a better suggestion on how we shall close the distance than him coming here (or continuing our nomadism), I am open to hearing it. The more suggestions put on the table, the better. Language learning and finishing our eduations are preperations towards making the best choice.

You may of course say that, sorry, staying here is really, really important to me so can we please try my country first and see how it works? You having a preferance on where to live does not mean that you are a victim of circumstances, it is your preferance more or less. If I am close to my family that may e true of the other person as well, but then again it might mean more to some than others. Or the economical uppertunities are better in one country than another . Perhaps saying you are not willing to move countries equals not loving enough is stretching it a bit far, but love means opening up to structure your life differently. Noone's life is ever going to be the same, no matter where your bed is.