He's not romantic.

[p_b82]

I think a lot of the time you have to play it by ear, I dont think I am romantic at all, and my ex certainly did not think so, as I never showered her with petty gifts, though I did buy her pretty expensive jewlery - as when I saw it, I knew it would look beautiful on her. But I often used to cook (she always wanted to do it, but I am actually a better cook than she was/is), always did all the DIY/maintenance jobs, paid for most 'unexpected' things that came up, and generally bailed her out with no questions asked everytime she had spent more than she earnt, as well as always being there to talk over her issues and challenges with her job, and putting up with need for almost constant entertaining and dinner guests and the like..

I the early days she used to always buy me 'tat' that she saw and thought of me, and while it was sweet, it irritated me. I had no use for badges and other novelty items, and she should be spending her money 'better'. I told her so after a while, and the gifts stopped, but she still did things for me in other ways.

My current GF thinks I am huge romantic though, as I guess being in an LDR you don't get to show the person the love as easily and openly as you can IRL by deeds, so I find myself telling her nice things about her, even have written a couple of long emails to her, and a couple of poems. All of which I would never have thought to do with my ex, because of the context of the relationship and I was showing my love in a different manner.

To an extent it opened my eyes a bit to see how things feel on the other foot too, as my GF does not do a lot of romantic gestures towards me. I know she does love me, and really I don't care, but I can now see how my ex felt snubbed as I wasn't very good at articulating my thoughts and feelings in person.

like most things it is about communication and what you *need* in the relationship, if you need the gifts and the comments and the like, and your partner is not giving them to you, then you will always harbour some resentment and it would likely build and blow up later down the line. People don't often change without being prompted, and even then, some aspects just wont regardless of how many times you are asked, and it can end up feeling like nagging!

[Gingerlyme]

My SO knows perfectly well where I live, he even as if hinting mentioned he kept my adress and asked if I would prefer having stuff sendt to home or work, still even when he had nothing to do all day he never sends me anything. I love sending him stuff or preparing stuff for him to get live but I backed down a little. He says he feels bad he has not done so much because he is not inventive like me and not a writer. I suspect he will not send as much as a letter. I like letters, am even used to getting them in relationships. I am fine with the lack of that kind of attention because he is nice to me in other ways. Especially he is physically affectionate which is very important to me, and he sets aside time for me which I also appreciate. He is verbally spontanious so I can see why putting something in writing is weird to him, even if he really likes it when I do it.

Did you guys talk about the 5 love languages? It sounds like your idea of romance equals the gift language and affirmative words. The others three are time, touch and doing favours.

A little off topic but is the 5 love languages a book worth buying?
I've been seeing the title float around for a bit but was hoping to get a review from a fellow LDR mate on how it can help us.

[BlueCat]

A little off topic but is the 5 love languages a book worth buying?
I've been seeing the title float around for a bit but was hoping to get a review from a fellow LDR mate on how it can help us.

It's been several years since I read it, I found it valuable but also a little difficult to determine which I was. I could more easily see it in others than I could myself. I think it's certainly worth a look in, but it's really only any good if your SO is willing to read into it too, because there's no point in finding out your love language if your SO is going to ignore it and see it as ridiculous. Unfortunately for me the first time I mentioned it in passing my SO seemed quite interested, then when I brought it up more seriously he laughed it off as a ridiculous thing that relationship books try to sell just to make money. So yeah... depends what you're working with I suppose. Having said that, from what I remember it was definitely a worthwhile read. You could probably pick up a pretty cheap second hand copy.

[Jaac]

My guy isn't really romantic either.
At first it was something that would bother me. I would send him a nice carepackage kind of thing (which he really liked but he had never sent me anything like this. He would also not spontaniously tell me I'm beautiful, while I would appreciate hearing that every once in a while.
I got really insecure because I thougt that if he didn't say it or didn't do thoughtfull things like buy me something sweet, the feeling wasn't there for him. We've even had fights about it because I needed those things. Anyway, let's not get into that now...

My point is: eventually I figured out that 1. He's not as creative as me and he would never come up with an idea to make me little things.
And 2. He's someone that thinks that saying I love you is enough. And according to him I obviously know that he thinks I'm beautiful blabla... So why would he tell me every other day.
Maybe your guy is like that as well... Some people find it hard to think of a romantic thing to do. And you also have the distance which doesn't make things easier.

I found that instead of waiting for him to do/say anything, or instead of being irritated because he just doesn't get my (not so) subtile hints, doing something or saying nice things to him makes me feel happy as well.

And at last, if you really struggle with him not sending you things spontaniously, maybe you guys can agree on making each other a gift box or a love letter or anything set times a year.
I wouldn't say every month, because that's quite often for someone who's not used to do romantic things.
This way you don't have to bother him with vague hints that he doesn't get anyway, but you're sure to get something nice

Oh and at the very last... I wouldn't worry about the fact that he doesn't send you lovey dovey stuff like some guys do.
I'm sure that after a while, when he sends 'baby, you're so beautifull and I want to spend the rest of my life with you' for the 100th time, you don't appreciate it as much as when he does it every 5 months At least this way it's special and you know he means what he says.

[Moon]

A little off topic but is the 5 love languages a book worth buying?
I've been seeing the title float around for a bit but was hoping to get a review from a fellow LDR mate on how it can help us.

I found it practically useless, neither myself or my guy really fit into anything, and so much of it was common sense that, if you just think rationally, you'll figure it out on your own.

[Redheart14]

I found it practically useless, neither myself or my guy really fit into anything, and so much of it was common sense that, if you just think rationally, you'll figure it out on your own.

I was going to buy it but I've heard similar things like this.

[Petals]

A little off topic but is the 5 love languages a book worth buying?
I've been seeing the title float around for a bit but was hoping to get a review from a fellow LDR mate on how it can help us.

I have a copy and my SO and I have benefited from reading it together and identifying our main love languages. What we did was rank the order of importance for the various categories. It turns out that my SO and I rank verbal affirmation as number one BUT I am not very expressive. He on the other hand constantly compliments and affirms me, so I always feel loved. What I learn from identifying his main love language is that I need to be more verbally expressive and compliment him more, because it is very important to him. Interestingly, prior to reading the book he had hinted that I'm not very open emotionally, but it didn't sink in until we read that book together. Now I make a real effort.

He's still more romantic and verbally expressive than me.

[differentcountries]

A little off topic but is the 5 love languages a book worth buying?
I've been seeing the title float around for a bit but was hoping to get a review from a fellow LDR mate on how it can help us.

Yes, it is definetley worth buying and you can find it in paperback so it is not expensive. The book gives a structure to thinking about differences and sameness by making you list your number 1 and 2 love language, og gives lots of examples of how to understand each other. It is useful not just in relationships, but any human relation, for instance parent-child-relations and between friends. The idea is to fill one's "love tank" and that this is done mainly through the 2 top love languages a person has. There is a tendency to try to love others through the same means we ourselves prefer to be loved. I know that I tend to give everyone a hug, because that is important to me, but some people don't even like hugs. Note that physical contact is not sex in this context, although physical contact can be a component of sex.

I wish I understood before that gifts was a big love language for the ex, I guess I saw gifts as sort of superficial back then and although we exchanged gifts, even apart from big days, if I had understood how much she would appreciate if I planned and financed a trip I might have done that for her (granted, she could have explained it better, too). Me and my husband have the same 2 main love languages (time and physical contact), supposedly that is rare. SO I have not asked him but I think he has verbal affirmations and doing services, he even told me explicitly my way of talking to him as well as making the books is a big reason why he loves me and feels loved by me. I think my visits as a sort of "service" to him in his eyes and he is relentless in doing favours to everyone, not just me, so that is really important to him. It is odd that me and SO work so well together since we are different but I guess we use "the whole scale" of love languages, not just our favourite ones.

There is also a new book about 5 languges of forgiveness that roughly correspond to the 5 love languages. It explains what it takes for people in relationships as well as family, friends or strangers to feel that the other person "really" has said they are sorry. In the book of forgivenes there is also a section where the love languages are explained further as divided into "love dialects", for instance if gifts is your language you can prefer thoughtful gifts over expensive gifts or vice verca, or words in writing over words written, services done towards work vs in the home etc.

Sometimes people feel that the love languages are not fitting because they don't identify with the examples given, but if you think of the languages as divided also into love dialects I believe most people's way of showing/giving love should be covered. I have a friend who said well, I feel most loved when I am given personal freedom and that doesn't fit any love language, but I think that can fit into the time category because it is about being given special attention that suits you.

[R&R]

My daughters are 18 & 19, and I am going to give you the same advice I would give them. Don't expect perfection but don't settle either.

No man, woman or relationship is perfect. There are things you are going to want and may not get. There are things you need in a relationship. You have to decide if that particular thing is something that you need or is it something that you can do without and still feel good about yourself and the relationship. If it's something you need and you're still not getting it after you have calmly communicated with your partner how important it is to you, then you have decide if you are going to stay without it or end the relationship and seek a partner who better meets your particular relationship needs.

[butterfly712]

My guy isen't romantic at all either,so I know what you mean,I post things on his fb wall,and he never responds to what I put on there,although he has posted something on my wall once,but he's still a great guy no matter what,I don't think there's any words,maybe your bf isen't a romantic guy at all,or isen't into romance,but if he loves you then that's all that really matters.

[Freebird]

My guy is not the best gift giver either. I've given him far more gifts than he's given me. And while he may be lacking in the romantic department and sometimes I wonder if he's a little oblivious to it, he is very sweet with his words.

I am a gift giver and show my appreciation through gifts. If I see something my SO would like, I buy it for him just because making him happy and giving him something he'd like makes me feel good. I'd love more gifts for myself because I tend to cherish anything someone I love gives me (I have a hard time throwing away even simple cards). He brought me the cutest piggy bank which some people might find silly and random, but I absolutely love the thing.

But, I realize that not everyone shows their love and appreciation the same way. His way is through words.