Drawing out "hidden" or deep feelings

[Methos]

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've been on here. Just looking for some opinions (pfff .. what else is new, right? Lol).

So first of all .. my SO (if we can call her that) and I got together again for the 3rd time (2nd time this year) a couple weeks ago. It started out as the absolute BEST time we ever had together! Didn't end so great though .. Without getting into a lot of boring details (I wana stay focused on this topic here) I'll just say that we've never been bf/gf. We met online almost 5 years ago .. became friends after about 7 months of talking here and there and began talking almost every day. We got very close. I, in a romantic way but not her .. she's always said she loves me but as a friend. Still .. there have been moments when she has appeared to show more, maybe even without her knowing it. Others (many others) have looked at skype shots of us and said, "Come on, look at her eyes! She's in love with you! I know that look!" These are women telling me this too. We have a good distance between us and an age difference too. It seems too that things changed after our first meeting. We were always so close online .. maybe because on there we were just .. "us." Once we met .. it was like, I was now american and older FIRST and THEN I was me. It's like something got in the way of what we had online and it's been different ever since. I know it's possible that she really does only see me as a friend and if I were 100% convinced of that .. then that would be the end of it. But I've seen and experienced enough to know that, there really seems to be more. And until I've proven to myself that there's absolutely no chance for us to be together, then I've gotta fight for this woman! Ea este printesa mea .. and I love her more than anything. <3

So .. I'm finally getting to the point. ) There have been times over the years when something would happen that would lead her to believe that something bad happened to me. A lot of the time it was nothing .. we just happened to miss each other by a few minutes and then didn't see each other for a couple days. But 2 times stand out in my mind .. when after only 2-4 days without contact, she freaked out. She was leaving messages .. trying to call .. she even called the international embassy for my country to see if they could find out what happened to me. I was shocked by that but also, found it so sweet. I mean, I'm the over the top guy who;s madly in love with her and even I wouldn't ever go that far! ) And after, when we spoke .. I remember her distinctly telling me that, "All of a sudden I really began to care about you. That's why I know I have some real feelings but dont know sure what. I got really scared that day."

Now .. here's the thing: I believe if we had been together at that moment .. the physical act of bonding when she found I was okay would have served to amplify and bring out those feelings more. But being thousands of miles apart .. the feelings faded, each time. So I guess what I wonder is .. could there be a way to draw those feelings out again? At a time when I would actually be there with her? I mean, TV is littered with stuff like this. I remember Sue Thomas: FBI .. the character Jack always had a crush on Sue .. but only at the end when she was going to be leaving the department and he knew they weren't gona see each other unless he did something, did he finally step up and make his move. It's like .. the threat/thought of losing her was what prompted him to act on his feelings that were not always so apparent. (Of course, as he was in the process, she revealed that she was staying and he went back to being a coward, but anyway .. Lol)

So .. any thoughts on this? Just basic thinking here, that if those feelings really are there, buried underneath .. I don't know, fear I guess .. then to be able to trigger them and draw them out at a time when we could grab onto them this time .. that's what I'm looking for. If they do come out and they're real .. it'll be awesome! And if they don't .. then I will finally know for sure and can walk away knowing I tried everything I could .. that I gave this every possible chance. (And yes, I know .. SHE has to want to give it a chance too. That's why I'm still here .. she's still young and at that age where she changes her mind about things constantly. And if by some chance she does come to realize that just maybe, I could in fact be the best thing that's ever happened to her .. I wana still be here when that day comes.)



Thanks for reading.

[silvermoonfairy3]

How young is "young" here?

[differentcountries]

Would there it be possible to have a visit?

[Methos]

How young is "young" here?

Mid 20's. You know, "that age" when minds change more often then socks. ))

[Methos]

Would there it be possible to have a visit?

"got together again for the 3rd time (2nd time this year) a couple weeks ago."

[silvermoonfairy3]

Mid 20's. You know, "that age" when minds change more often then socks. ))

Eh.
I don't know this girl and I'm hesitant to speak for her, but in general I think people know if they want to be with someone or not.
Feelings aren't particularly a changing-your-mind sort of thing, even if what to do about them might be.

You've been talking for years, have met several times. If she hasn't wanted to go further with it, my guess is she's not actually interested in doing so.

But, strangers can guess on the internet all day long. Time to have a discussion about it, explaining to her you've felt that there might be something romantic, and perhaps ask flat out if she's interested and/or wants to talk about being together.

If she says she just wants to be friends, then take her at that word. People can "see in her eyes" that she's in love all they want, but if she disagrees, or even if she is but doesn't want an LD relationship, then it's not going to go anywhere. And if that's the case, then you should start treating it as a friendship, and begin to move on from it as a romantic interest.

In my experience, the type of "realizations" that come with thinking something happened to someone and wow now I have feelings tend to be short-lived and not necessarily indicative of a sustainable attraction. Sure they can sometimes reveal feelings that have been there all along, but it's not the case by default. And either way, I think people deserve to be with someone who wants to be with them, not someone who talks themselves into a relationship, or thinks that if someone died they'd be sad about it, so maybe they should date.

If the feelings have been there buried underneath, I think that would be more apparent, especially since there have been meetings in person, but that's just me. Have the conversation, if she says friends, move on. Your part about wanting to be there if she ever realizes you could be the best thing to happen to her indicates you're not ready to move on, but how long are you waiting on this, when it may never happen?

[Moon]

Mid 20's. You know, "that age" when minds change more often then socks. ))

My daughter is that age, and I assure you that while she does change her socks often, when it's something important, like knowing if she's in love, she knows. Mid 20's are mature enough for that, they aren't kids anymore at that point, they are adults. I agree with silvermoonfairy, if she was going to pursue a relationship with you, she would have done it by now. She's had years now to change her mind, and she hasn't, but it's up to you if you want to waste more years on waiting.

Have you thought about just how long you're willing to wait? Maybe it's time to completely open the subject with her and actually tell her you may have to move on? If she doesn't have "those" kind of feelings for you by now, I've got to be honest, I don't think she ever will, I'm sorry about that. Maybe even hearing that you're seriously considering your options will get her to open up, but if that doesn't do it, I'm afraid you've gone as far as you're going to with her. Good luck.

[Methos]

Moon .. exactly my point. Maybe if she sees that I'm gona leave .. I mean for good .. that might cause her to be like, "I never thought he would leave" and cause her to think about how much she wants me to stay. Like one time we talked, about a year ago and she had said something like, "I know you're a good man and you make me happy .. just trying to convince my hear too." I had mentioned that I might have to go and she said, and this is a quote, "It's up to you but I want you in my life." So maybe it's just time to take it up a notch and do it for real and see if she lets me go or makes a move to keep me in her life.

[uadialej]

If the feelings have been there buried underneath, I think that would be more apparent, especially since there have been meetings in person, but that's just me. Have the conversation, if she says friends, move on. Your part about wanting to be there if she ever realizes you could be the best thing to happen to her indicates you're not ready to move on, but how long are you waiting on this, when it may never happen?


[youtube]mkiEugZ9pXI[/youtube]

[snow_girl]

I think that she doesn't like you that way and instead of trying to see hints that she does, you should take what she says at face value and stop trying make it happen. I care very deeply for friends, I tell them I love them and hug them but no way I'd ever ever like them romantically. Being together at the time when she was worried about you has no bearing whatsoever on making her like you.


Also as a side - Love is not a movie. It will never be like a movie, she won't one day wake up and realize she has loved you all this time. I also think knowing how someone likes their steak is the bare minimum in knowledge when it comes to asking someone to propose. No way in hell I'm marrying someone who likes their steak well done.

[differentcountries]

Ah she may have loved you all this time... But that doesn't mean she is willing and able to have a functional relationship with you that will end in blessfully closing the distance. I had a thing going on and off with a guy for several years. The problem was not that he did not love me (in fact I think he still does), but that he is not able to move on those feelings in ways that I wanted. So I left him. Sometimes love is not enough. If you tried and nothing came out of it, move on.

[TaraMarie]

Take this from a woman who was married for 30 years to a man 22 years older.

The age difference is definitely an issue for her! That and the fact that you are in different countries. She probably feels affection for you, but no future.

[Tamarahhansen]

It sure does sound like she has some feelings, although she seems to be confused too. To answer your question; if there is something you can do to bring out those feelings with her while you are together, i'd say: How about asking her how she would feel in a hypothetical scenario in which you will never see each other again? I know that the moments I have imagined being without my SO has been the moments when I was most sure I needed to be with him.

[TwoThree]

Still .. there have been moments when she has appeared to show more, maybe even without her knowing it.

I'm sorry to have to say this but sounds VERY creepy to me. You will not listen to her when she tells you clearly she sees you as a friend, and you go as far as interpreting her actions as "she likes me but she doesn't know she likes me". Words mean things. And in this context, no means no.

Others (many others) have looked at skype shots of us and said, "Come on, look at her eyes! She's in love with you! I know that look!" These are women telling me this too.

That means absolutely nothing. Again, you are reading way too much into things and taking the word of people other than the directly concerned party about said party's feelings.

So .. any thoughts on this? Just basic thinking here, that if those feelings really are there, buried underneath .. I don't know, fear I guess .. then to be able to trigger them and draw them out at a time when we could grab onto them this time .. that's what I'm looking for. If they do come out and they're real .. it'll be awesome! And if they don't .. then I will finally know for sure and can walk away knowing I tried everything I could .. that I gave this every possible chance. (And yes, I know .. SHE has to want to give it a chance too. That's why I'm still here .. she's still young and at that age where she changes her mind about things constantly. And if by some chance she does come to realize that just maybe, I could in fact be the best thing that's ever happened to her .. I wana still be here when that day comes.)

Here are my thoughts. You have been talking for several years and met three times. You even went as far as proposing to her face to face (as I saw on another thread). Believe me, if she hasn't reciprocated those feelings at any point during all this time, there's basically no chance that she ever will. You can't "make" someone like/love you. Either you are blatantly not listening to her when she's telling you she's not interested, or she's leading you on because she likes having someone to talk to.

[Hollandia]

I'm sorry to have to say this but sounds VERY creepy to me. You will not listen to her when she tells you clearly she sees you as a friend, and you go as far as interpreting her actions as "she likes me but she doesn't know she likes me". Words mean things. And in this context, no means no.


That means absolutely nothing. Again, you are reading way too much into things and taking the word of people other than the directly concerned party about said party's feelings.



Here are my thoughts. You have been talking for several years and met three times. You even went as far as proposing to her face to face (as I saw on another thread). Believe me, if she hasn't reciprocated those feelings at any point during all this time, there's basically no chance that she ever will. You can't "make" someone like/love you. Either you are blatantly not listening to her when she's telling you she's not interested, or she's leading you on because she likes having someone to talk to.

Creepy is exactly the word I was thinking. OP, You need to take NO for an answer. No matter how much you try to read into it, it is not there. Move on and find someone that will return your feeling as in a normal non creepy stalker way.