Helpful Advice?

[Britt6]

@Squeeker if you do come over here its absolutely beautiful, sheeps and all Tho Im in South Wales. Saturday my SO is taking me to Cardiff for those who dont know...Wales Capitol and I am excited much needed time out tour of a castle and another couple that are friends so hopefully clear heads just what we need.

[Britt6]

Thanks to the ones that at least try to understand and not bash me over my boy, Its hard enough being away without tons of guilt trips trying to make me feel like a bad mom. Answering questions yes he will leave mid school to come back with me, his choice I asked him over skype what he wanted when i got home he could stay and finish or come home where he'd be in a different school, Even made sure. Seems stupid because hes 5 right, to let him make such choices, but hes not ordinary hes Very intelligent his mind is alot farther along than his age. Relationship wise of the last couple days since this was posted my SO and I have talked alot taken walks even had a friend join us for dinner and some games last night. To be honest I think its just me stressing, being in a place where i cant work and contribute i feel useless and it brings me down. I think its just when I get over stressed my mind goes to negative places, and when I get that way, he does distance to give me space. So seems everything will be fine

[squeeker]

Hey, first I wanted to say HEY!! Because you are now the third person in the last few days who I've noticed on here who has a SO in Wales... The difference is that you are actually in Wales at this moment.. if it's North Wales..... well smile at any sheep you see for me. :P

Anyway I also wanted to say.. you've been there for 3 months already.. if it's only little things you are arguing about or nagging each other about, I think that's kinda normal.. it sounds like the first extended period of time you have been together.. you are now settling into the comfort of not having to leave too soon... and the little things that you maybe let slip at the beginning of the visit are becoming annoying now because you wish they were different.. I think you need to think about them and decide whether you can live with it... or if you can have a conversation about what the best time to go to the grocery store is. Maybe explaining why you both feel the way you do, and if you can't come up with a time you both like, maybe compromise by splitting up the time.. like half the weeks you shop at the beginning of the day, and the other half of the weeks you shop at the end of the day. When you start feeling low, stare lovingly at your SO and remember the things you love about him and why you want to be with him. It should help you feel less stressed.

I think the big thing is learning how to communicate with each other and also accepting that things are different from when you live by yourself/with your son. Also... the going out part.. maybe suggest going for a walk or going to dinner or a movie or a park, have a picnic, see a castle.. suggest you could meet his friends if he wants.. but I'm guessing that you are there with him now, he might not want to leave you all by yourself and maybe he is even embarrassed of his friends for some reason, because maybe they are immature and might make stupid jokes and he doesn't want to enforce that on you. Just an idea.. you don't know until you ask.

There is a chance, if you can't work things out, that maybe you and your SO aren't as compatible as you thought... I don't want to say it really but I feel I have to cause I don't know the situation and it's a possibility. But you need to communicate and talk things through.. in a way that isn't accusatory or harsh.

[CanGirl]

Wow. I think its extreme how people here are judging her for what she does or does not with her son. First of all, as she said you can't know the whole story, I would think that if she says she couldnt be with her son either way she has a reason to do so. Secondly, it doesn't seem like the child is left alone with no love somewhere or in danger and you don't know what kind of mother she is otherwise. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Thirdly, she asked for advice on her relationship and since the child doesnt seem to be in acute danger it's really absolutely none of your business.

i'm saying this not as a mother but as a child who's mother was accused of being a bad mom that was selfish and careless constantly by her sister and even my classmates parents, yet was the most amazing mother in my eyes and still is and that raised me in a way i will always be thankful for. People really are too damn narrowminded these days.

I was thinking the same thing. Can we stay on topic please?

Britt I hope everything works out! Just give it some time and try and be proactive is all I can say

[differentcountries]

We are quite compatable.. we just are having small issues from time to time on how to i guess take in the reality of living together? if that makes any sense..I guess you can say we stumble over each other sometimes? For instance when it comes to household things like grocery shopping, I prefer doing things early so I have the rest of the day to do whatever and shower get comfy early and he likes last second like stores about to close lol its small things like that, Why I asked if there was advice to deal with small issues rather than them turning into fights.

Ah, those may sound like small issues but they are not. You have a control personality, he is easy going. I had the same issues in relationships as I like to control things and I always fall for lax people. In my first relationship I tried to raise my lover to my ways, not being very respectful towards our differences. With SO I don't really have a choice because we have to scedule everything we do together around his work, it is very challenging for me but also good for me to not have all things my way.

[ronjaandbirk]

Wow. I think its extreme how people here are judging her for what she does or does not with her son. First of all, as she said you can't know the whole story, I would think that if she says she couldnt be with her son either way she has a reason to do so. Secondly, it doesn't seem like the child is left alone with no love somewhere or in danger and you don't know what kind of mother she is otherwise. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Thirdly, she asked for advice on her relationship and since the child doesnt seem to be in acute danger it's really absolutely none of your business.

i'm saying this not as a mother but as a child who's mother was accused of being a bad mom that was selfish and careless constantly by her sister and even my classmates parents, yet was the most amazing mother in my eyes and still is and that raised me in a way i will always be thankful for. People really are too damn narrowminded these days.

[Noodle]

All the preaching of good parenting yet none think it makes sense for me to respect his wishes?

None of the 'preaching' we did was about the fact you let your child go live with his father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, especially when it was what he wanted. What we are concerned about is that his mother is so far away for so long, especially at such a young age.

While my son is with his father I dont see him anyways so I should sit home..be lonely & depressed still without my son... .

So what you are trying to say is if you were at home instead, you wouldn't see your son AT ALL for the whole six months? That doesn't sound right. I would imagine his father (which you seem to have a decent enough relationship to have a sit down discussion with your son living with him) would let you see him. Spending time with him a little is better at not at all. If he wouldn't, then you definitely need to work on some custody/visitation schedules.

WHe's in K no plays, or ballgames.

My daughter had plenty of plays/programs in Kindergarten, especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is around the corner. So don't make it sound like he won't be having anything that he would wish his mother was in the audience to see him in just because he is in Kindergarten.

He will resume living with me on return.

Wait, so after he gets familiar with a new school and making new friends, you are just going to pull him out? Then what was the point of him moving in with his father if it was for him to go to the same school as his sibling?

Sorry, but obviously I am very passionate about being a single mother and having a young child. And like you said, we don't know the whole situation, so which is why I asked for clarification based on what you said. I am relieved to hear that you would quickly return to him if he wanted it. And I do understand, the loneliness sucks. I would love to go spend six months with my SO and just concentrate on our relationship. But nope, as a single mother, we lost the right to be selfish. I have to work to support her and I also need to be there for her. My child will always comes first before a guy, no matter what. Yes, I understand your LDR is different than mine because of different countries, but if a relationship was going to separate my child and I for such a long amount of time, then I wouldn't be in it because I wouldn't sacrifice my time with her like that.

I wish you the best, I really do and hope it all works out in your son's favor.

[Britt6]

To answer all Money's not an issue,Yes Ive met quite the handful of friends some i get along with some not mostly due to age gap, I do shopping and walks thru town,taking pics and stuff. I enjoy my stay here and I enjoy my company.We are quite compatable.. we just are having small issues from time to time on how to i guess take in the reality of living together? if that makes any sense..I guess you can say we stumble over each other sometimes? For instance when it comes to household things like grocery shopping, I prefer doing things early so I have the rest of the day to do whatever and shower get comfy early and he likes last second like stores about to close lol its small things like that, Why I asked if there was advice to deal with small issues rather than them turning into fights. As for with child hes going on 6 (yes I'll be home by then) Hes been with me his whole life, Ive never missed a milestone. He asked to be with his dad and brothers for awhile. He will resume living with me on return. All the preaching of good parenting yet none think it makes sense for me to respect his wishes? He's in K no plays, or ballgames, and as I said we talk everyday. Its not as if I left him We all sat down and discussed his wants, hes currently with his father step mom and 2 brothers. All tho if he wanted me home I'd be on the next flight, Hes happy and yea misses me but still perfectly fine where he is. He asked to go before the plan for my trip was here was even thought of.I can see where people have cross thoughts,as I said they dont know the full story. Im sure Imade the choices, my Son also loves my fiance and wants us to sort him coming down. Again I do appreciate all the feedback,suggestions, and advice,so thank you all

[Petals]

Hi,

I suggest that you be proactive and get maps and a list of things you can do where he lives. Tell him about what you have discovered and go with or without him. Do this for the next few weeks and see if the dynamics change. Sometimes we help to create situations by our aura so I am suggesting that you take action to shake things up a bit. If nothing changes, then accept that what you are seeing is the 'real him" and you need to decide if he is your idea of an ideal partner.

Also, I suspect that you are posting here because there are more issues than just not going out. The lack of intimacy you mention suggests that there are deeper issues. Anything else you wish to share so we can have the full picture?

Do not proceed with marriage if you are not happy with him as he is now. Do not marry him on the hope that once you get married things will change, because they won't.

Re your son, As long as he is safe and in the care of loving people I will not bash you for 6 months away. Do you plan on visiting him during the 6 months?

[dglynn77]

So about 3months ago I left my home in the US to come spend 6 months herein the UK with my SO. Everything started so perfect. Now as time passes we have began fighting. While I was home he was always going out with friends, now since Ive been here he barely leaves his flat so I start getting stir crazy. I dont know anyone here I really dont want to go out on my own. Im also now over 4000 miles away from my 5 year old son, I know that doesnt help my own stress I get pretty depressed missing him. Anyways our biggest issues are we are having trouble adjusting to actually being together any tips advice on how to settle and compromise better to ease the fighting some? Ive tried everything I can think of to stop it, maybe im going about it all wrong, so any and all advice could be helpful. I really dont want what we have to come to an end over something as dumb as small fights that mean nothing :/

Here's a question: could it be money that is keeping him from going out with friends? Is he solely supporting you both while you are visiting?
I ask because if he doesn't have money to keep up those activities, that could be why he is down and not eager to go out.
Have you met his friends? Did you all get along well so he would feel comfortable taking you out with him?

Regarding your child, I have no children so I won't say anything except that there are quite a few parents on this forum, and a lot of them, including Moon, have put their children before closing the distance. No one wants to be in an LDR, but they would rather be there for their child/children rather than close the distance with their love and be LDR with their child. That is how strongly they feel for and love their child, so that is why their response is very strong. Just thought maybe an explanation would help?

Also, have you tried gaming alone to see if he will join you? Have you made any friends/ hobbies so you can be doing something during the day that will 1. Give you time to miss each other and 2. Give you something to talk about when you are together?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I have the same contact with him here as I would at home.

You're never allowed to see your child in person or hug him at home? You don't get to go to his school plays or t-ball games?

Sorry, but it's not the same. Especially for the kid, and I say that from experience. As the child of separated parents, I lived with my dad and my mom was as close as a few towns over (not another country) and she still missed tons of day to day things, mostly because she was self-absorbed and working on things with the guy she was living with.

Separated parents can both be pretty involved with kids and make things work well, but usually only when they're still prioritizing the kid.

I remember when my dad died several years back, and my mom took my younger brother and sister (in their teens at the time) food shopping. She had no idea what they even liked to eat. They had grown up without her noticing, while she was busy with her own life, even though she stopped by, went to school plays, had Christmas dinner with them, etc.
While she tried to connect with them based on her notion of who they were when she had left when they were younger, they had moved on, felt much closer to my dad, and didn't really have an association with her as a parent they grew up with. Kids change very fast, and not being there through the changes affects them.

[Britt6]

There is a big difference in a LDR between a few states and a different country, We do intend on getting married and him coming to Texas however even to get visa's there has tobe proof of the 2meeting in person and alot more. While my son is with his father I dont see him anyways so I should sit home..be lonely & depressed still without my son... rather than try to sort out things so my Fiance can come be with me full time? Trust me I hate being away from my son, I skype him alot Mail back gifts for Christmas and stuff, I've not abandoned him I have the same contact with him here as I would at home. Altho this way I'm able to sort out things needed to make my family full.. rather than cry everynight being without my son and my fiance.. Without knowing every detail its easy to see it the wrong way if you understand..cool if you dont sorry

[Noodle]

Oh no, I most certainly will "dive in and indulge on being rude" whenever I feel it's warranted. Those are all great excuses, but you still left your young child to go live with some dude in another country. School or not, don't you think he misses his mother? Six months is a VERY long time in the life of a 5 year old. I will pass judgement whenever I feel like it, get off your high horse, everyone judges. As a former single mother, I would have never put my wants over my child's needs. Too bad more people don't feel that way.

^Sorry I had to reply. I couldn't agree more to this. I currently have a 6 year old daughter and there would be no way I could be separated from my daughter for six days, let alone six months. And I know my SO would feel so guilty and wouldn't allow it if it was for him. Do you even know how much they change and grow when they are so young? You are missing out on a lot. Even if he is staying with his father, you should still be around to see him and watch him grow on a regular bases. And the fact you have 'full time mommy' on your profile is ironic. Full time mothers do not take six months vacation. Please go back home to your son. =/

[Britt6]

Thank you I do appreciate the advice Snow.

[snow]

Thank You Snow,

We talked abit and we actually have a trip planned for this weekend. Kinda a double date of sorts. to be honest I think alot of it is me, I've worked since 16 and now Im here I cant legally work or do much to contribute, Makes me feel abit useless, I think its things like that that push small fights. I hope you're right tho maybe some timeout will make us both feel better. Its not us as a couple when we can find comfort in things we are perfect, I have no doubts in our future and I dont regret my choice to be here. I was just hoping for adviceto get past the small disagreements that I'm sure come between everyone at some point

There was a time when I was constantly nagging at him over the smallest things and I didn't even notice. They were just things that bothered me and I told him, but to him it felt like everyday was another problem. We had an argument a day and it was just really annoying for the both of us. He felt like I was just constantly unhappy and all he did was not good enough to make me happy and I felt like I can't help out at all because he is working and I am lazy at home (though I was doing household chores and stuff). We had a bigger fight where all this came out and we made up. Who knows, maybe you are nagging, maybe he feels nagged at, maybe you two need to fight it out and go from there.