Helpful Advice?

[Petals]

Hi,

I suggest that you be proactive and get maps and a list of things you can do where he lives. Tell him about what you have discovered and go with or without him. Do this for the next few weeks and see if the dynamics change. Sometimes we help to create situations by our aura so I am suggesting that you take action to shake things up a bit. If nothing changes, then accept that what you are seeing is the 'real him" and you need to decide if he is your idea of an ideal partner.

Also, I suspect that you are posting here because there are more issues than just not going out. The lack of intimacy you mention suggests that there are deeper issues. Anything else you wish to share so we can have the full picture?

Do not proceed with marriage if you are not happy with him as he is now. Do not marry him on the hope that once you get married things will change, because they won't.

Re your son, As long as he is safe and in the care of loving people I will not bash you for 6 months away. Do you plan on visiting him during the 6 months?

[Britt6]

To answer all Money's not an issue,Yes Ive met quite the handful of friends some i get along with some not mostly due to age gap, I do shopping and walks thru town,taking pics and stuff. I enjoy my stay here and I enjoy my company.We are quite compatable.. we just are having small issues from time to time on how to i guess take in the reality of living together? if that makes any sense..I guess you can say we stumble over each other sometimes? For instance when it comes to household things like grocery shopping, I prefer doing things early so I have the rest of the day to do whatever and shower get comfy early and he likes last second like stores about to close lol its small things like that, Why I asked if there was advice to deal with small issues rather than them turning into fights. As for with child hes going on 6 (yes I'll be home by then) Hes been with me his whole life, Ive never missed a milestone. He asked to be with his dad and brothers for awhile. He will resume living with me on return. All the preaching of good parenting yet none think it makes sense for me to respect his wishes? He's in K no plays, or ballgames, and as I said we talk everyday. Its not as if I left him We all sat down and discussed his wants, hes currently with his father step mom and 2 brothers. All tho if he wanted me home I'd be on the next flight, Hes happy and yea misses me but still perfectly fine where he is. He asked to go before the plan for my trip was here was even thought of.I can see where people have cross thoughts,as I said they dont know the full story. Im sure Imade the choices, my Son also loves my fiance and wants us to sort him coming down. Again I do appreciate all the feedback,suggestions, and advice,so thank you all

[Noodle]

All the preaching of good parenting yet none think it makes sense for me to respect his wishes?

None of the 'preaching' we did was about the fact you let your child go live with his father. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, especially when it was what he wanted. What we are concerned about is that his mother is so far away for so long, especially at such a young age.

While my son is with his father I dont see him anyways so I should sit home..be lonely & depressed still without my son... .

So what you are trying to say is if you were at home instead, you wouldn't see your son AT ALL for the whole six months? That doesn't sound right. I would imagine his father (which you seem to have a decent enough relationship to have a sit down discussion with your son living with him) would let you see him. Spending time with him a little is better at not at all. If he wouldn't, then you definitely need to work on some custody/visitation schedules.

WHe's in K no plays, or ballgames.

My daughter had plenty of plays/programs in Kindergarten, especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas, which is around the corner. So don't make it sound like he won't be having anything that he would wish his mother was in the audience to see him in just because he is in Kindergarten.

He will resume living with me on return.

Wait, so after he gets familiar with a new school and making new friends, you are just going to pull him out? Then what was the point of him moving in with his father if it was for him to go to the same school as his sibling?

Sorry, but obviously I am very passionate about being a single mother and having a young child. And like you said, we don't know the whole situation, so which is why I asked for clarification based on what you said. I am relieved to hear that you would quickly return to him if he wanted it. And I do understand, the loneliness sucks. I would love to go spend six months with my SO and just concentrate on our relationship. But nope, as a single mother, we lost the right to be selfish. I have to work to support her and I also need to be there for her. My child will always comes first before a guy, no matter what. Yes, I understand your LDR is different than mine because of different countries, but if a relationship was going to separate my child and I for such a long amount of time, then I wouldn't be in it because I wouldn't sacrifice my time with her like that.

I wish you the best, I really do and hope it all works out in your son's favor.

[ronjaandbirk]

Wow. I think its extreme how people here are judging her for what she does or does not with her son. First of all, as she said you can't know the whole story, I would think that if she says she couldnt be with her son either way she has a reason to do so. Secondly, it doesn't seem like the child is left alone with no love somewhere or in danger and you don't know what kind of mother she is otherwise. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Thirdly, she asked for advice on her relationship and since the child doesnt seem to be in acute danger it's really absolutely none of your business.

i'm saying this not as a mother but as a child who's mother was accused of being a bad mom that was selfish and careless constantly by her sister and even my classmates parents, yet was the most amazing mother in my eyes and still is and that raised me in a way i will always be thankful for. People really are too damn narrowminded these days.

[differentcountries]

We are quite compatable.. we just are having small issues from time to time on how to i guess take in the reality of living together? if that makes any sense..I guess you can say we stumble over each other sometimes? For instance when it comes to household things like grocery shopping, I prefer doing things early so I have the rest of the day to do whatever and shower get comfy early and he likes last second like stores about to close lol its small things like that, Why I asked if there was advice to deal with small issues rather than them turning into fights.

Ah, those may sound like small issues but they are not. You have a control personality, he is easy going. I had the same issues in relationships as I like to control things and I always fall for lax people. In my first relationship I tried to raise my lover to my ways, not being very respectful towards our differences. With SO I don't really have a choice because we have to scedule everything we do together around his work, it is very challenging for me but also good for me to not have all things my way.

[CanGirl]

Wow. I think its extreme how people here are judging her for what she does or does not with her son. First of all, as she said you can't know the whole story, I would think that if she says she couldnt be with her son either way she has a reason to do so. Secondly, it doesn't seem like the child is left alone with no love somewhere or in danger and you don't know what kind of mother she is otherwise. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Thirdly, she asked for advice on her relationship and since the child doesnt seem to be in acute danger it's really absolutely none of your business.

i'm saying this not as a mother but as a child who's mother was accused of being a bad mom that was selfish and careless constantly by her sister and even my classmates parents, yet was the most amazing mother in my eyes and still is and that raised me in a way i will always be thankful for. People really are too damn narrowminded these days.

I was thinking the same thing. Can we stay on topic please?

Britt I hope everything works out! Just give it some time and try and be proactive is all I can say

[squeeker]

Hey, first I wanted to say HEY!! Because you are now the third person in the last few days who I've noticed on here who has a SO in Wales... The difference is that you are actually in Wales at this moment.. if it's North Wales..... well smile at any sheep you see for me. :P

Anyway I also wanted to say.. you've been there for 3 months already.. if it's only little things you are arguing about or nagging each other about, I think that's kinda normal.. it sounds like the first extended period of time you have been together.. you are now settling into the comfort of not having to leave too soon... and the little things that you maybe let slip at the beginning of the visit are becoming annoying now because you wish they were different.. I think you need to think about them and decide whether you can live with it... or if you can have a conversation about what the best time to go to the grocery store is. Maybe explaining why you both feel the way you do, and if you can't come up with a time you both like, maybe compromise by splitting up the time.. like half the weeks you shop at the beginning of the day, and the other half of the weeks you shop at the end of the day. When you start feeling low, stare lovingly at your SO and remember the things you love about him and why you want to be with him. It should help you feel less stressed.

I think the big thing is learning how to communicate with each other and also accepting that things are different from when you live by yourself/with your son. Also... the going out part.. maybe suggest going for a walk or going to dinner or a movie or a park, have a picnic, see a castle.. suggest you could meet his friends if he wants.. but I'm guessing that you are there with him now, he might not want to leave you all by yourself and maybe he is even embarrassed of his friends for some reason, because maybe they are immature and might make stupid jokes and he doesn't want to enforce that on you. Just an idea.. you don't know until you ask.

There is a chance, if you can't work things out, that maybe you and your SO aren't as compatible as you thought... I don't want to say it really but I feel I have to cause I don't know the situation and it's a possibility. But you need to communicate and talk things through.. in a way that isn't accusatory or harsh.

[Britt6]

Thanks to the ones that at least try to understand and not bash me over my boy, Its hard enough being away without tons of guilt trips trying to make me feel like a bad mom. Answering questions yes he will leave mid school to come back with me, his choice I asked him over skype what he wanted when i got home he could stay and finish or come home where he'd be in a different school, Even made sure. Seems stupid because hes 5 right, to let him make such choices, but hes not ordinary hes Very intelligent his mind is alot farther along than his age. Relationship wise of the last couple days since this was posted my SO and I have talked alot taken walks even had a friend join us for dinner and some games last night. To be honest I think its just me stressing, being in a place where i cant work and contribute i feel useless and it brings me down. I think its just when I get over stressed my mind goes to negative places, and when I get that way, he does distance to give me space. So seems everything will be fine

[Britt6]

@Squeeker if you do come over here its absolutely beautiful, sheeps and all Tho Im in South Wales. Saturday my SO is taking me to Cardiff for those who dont know...Wales Capitol and I am excited much needed time out tour of a castle and another couple that are friends so hopefully clear heads just what we need.

[lilspitfire]

Wow. I think its extreme how people here are judging her for what she does or does not with her son. First of all, as she said you can't know the whole story, I would think that if she says she couldnt be with her son either way she has a reason to do so. Secondly, it doesn't seem like the child is left alone with no love somewhere or in danger and you don't know what kind of mother she is otherwise. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. Thirdly, she asked for advice on her relationship and since the child doesnt seem to be in acute danger it's really absolutely none of your business.
People really are too damn narrowminded these days.

This! This forum has really gotten to be about who is right or wrong anymore. Lots of bashing and trashing and no advice giving. In my personal opinion, the OP should have left the child part out because no one seems to give a shit about the rest of the post. This isn't a parenting forum, it's an LDR forum. People calling others a bad parent, calling people stupid because they have a concern about their partner and his family's relationship because they don't understand it, and more. They didn't ask what YOU would do. They asked for advice. So let's leave our personal opinions out and start giving the advice again.

[Moon]

This! This forum has really gotten to be about who is right or wrong anymore. Lots of bashing and trashing and no advice giving. In my personal opinion, the OP should have left the child part out because no one seems to give a shit about the rest of the post. This isn't a parenting forum, it's an LDR forum. People calling others a bad parent, calling people stupid because they have a concern about their partner and his family's relationship because they don't understand it, and more. They didn't ask what YOU would do. They asked for advice. So let's leave our personal opinions out and start giving the advice again.

And where exactly do you think people form advice from?? They get it from THEIR experiences, and what THEY would do, and THEIR personal opinions.

[JaneEmily]

It's really saddening to see how volatile this forum is becoming. We all seem like catty women desperate to claw each other's eyes out just because our opinions and experiences differ to what we would each do. I'd take everyone's advice on the chin, think about every point people bring up and then go from there. If people don't agree with the advice, then fair enough.

For me, advice is asking people what they would do if they were hypothetically in the same situation as say another person is asking about, they then offer their 2pence - the one asking for advice then takes their advice into consideration and then decides where to go from there. Whether someone listens and takes action with the advice given on this forum is another thing, but c'mon guys can't we just stop bickering? Not everyone is going to agree with each other. Most of us are adults on here. I miss the friendly warmth this place gave a few months back.

If someone doesn't like your advice, then that's up to them. And if you don't like the way they're handling their relationship, then that's up to you to think that. But we all have different circumstances, different stories and different ways of handling things. For one person, a situation will be dealt with in one way whilst another person would handle it the complete opposite. It's a part of being human and people can listen if they want to and then decide on their own back if they want to follow any of the advice given here. We can't force it down people's throats to fit our ideology of how to deal with a particular situation.

It'd be nice to see everyone get along again.

[lyonsgirl]

This! This forum has really gotten to be about who is right or wrong anymore. Lots of bashing and trashing and no advice giving. In my personal opinion, the OP should have left the child part out because no one seems to give a shit about the rest of the post. This isn't a parenting forum, it's an LDR forum. People calling others a bad parent, calling people stupid because they have a concern about their partner and his family's relationship because they don't understand it, and more. They didn't ask what YOU would do. They asked for advice. So let's leave our personal opinions out and start giving the advice again.

Don't you see the hypocrisy in your post? You start it with "in my personal opinion", and then end it with "let's leave our personal opinions out"... So is your post null & void?

Anyway, like Moon said - advice is given off of opinions/experiences. No one has the same experiences/opinions, which is why I'm a big fan of forums like this - it allows me to find out what others would do in a situation that I am in, if I choose to post about it.

[squeeker]

@Squeeker if you do come over here its absolutely beautiful, sheeps and all Tho Im in South Wales. Saturday my SO is taking me to Cardiff for those who dont know...Wales Capitol and I am excited much needed time out tour of a castle and another couple that are friends so hopefully clear heads just what we need.

Yeah I know, I've been there a few times already but it's been WAY TOO LONG since I was last there (over a year)!! I can't wait to go back. Aw Cardiff is nice. I'm way less jealous now that it's south Wales. But I do want to visit South Wales too sometime when I'm over there with my boy. I hope you have a great Cardiff visit. Castles are GREAT destinations! Take some nice pictures if you can!

And where exactly do you think people form advice from?? They get it from THEIR experiences, and what THEY would do, and THEIR personal opinions.

Totally... when I give advice I base it on whether or not I can relate it to my personal experience or not. Maybe a bit of advice is from some other knowledge source or something but usually it's from personal experience... people don't have to take all the advice given to them but they shouldn't get upset if someone gives them advice they don't like. At the end of the day it's the original poster who knows their relationship and they can fit the advice in with what they know.

[Britt6]

I agree with most I asked for advice not about my child but my relationship if you feel the need the put in your thoughts on your own life and parenting great! At the same time you dont have to come off so bitchy like im trash and you're supermom either. Its not what was said rather than how it was said. With my child yes there is a few complicated circumstances. The first choice was for my SO to come see me first, but 1st he rents his place leaving would have meant he wouldnt have a place to come home to. Where as mine is paid off so it will still be there upon my return. 2nd Id rather be alone meeting him, Ive met a ton of mothers with rocky relationships that bring 5-10 new men around their young kids, I wanted to be sure he'd be ok with everything before bringing him around my child. So as complicated as it all seems I understand thats all that matters. Again thank you to all the ladies that have given me tips and or advice on my "actual questions" as I said tho My SO and I seem to have a few plans to work around things x