First ever LDR, with an introvert; struggling for clarity.

[Cityfan]

Well at least after the visit you'll know one way or the other.

Yes indeed, yes indeed.

[Petals]

Hmm... I doubt this will end well.

A relationship is about both people putting in fair effort and not one person carrying the burden. She has dictated the events of your relationship thus far and you seem to jump at her will for fear of upsetting her. This is not a good sign nor a good precedent for the future of the relationship if there is one. A woman respects a confident and self-assured man who will speak his mind about what he wants and if he's upset about something is not afraid to speak up.

She's had you on pins and needles for weeks and you allow it. Not responding to your text messages for hours on a frequent basis is not being introverted but being inconsiderate of your feelings. This disregard for your feelings has carried over onto your upcoming trip where you are spending all this money to see her for what has moved from a few days to one day, but she is oblivious to that. You have every right to be upset and disappointed. It is understandable that her grandmother's birthday celebration is important but somehow her attempt to spend one day with you seems half-assed at best. IMO it does not warrant as much weight as you seem to put on it because you are forcing yourself not to be too upset. You have met her mom so it's not like you are a total stranger to them. She could accommodate you better but whatever is holding her back is at the root of this.

Please do not dismiss this as inexperience and introversion, unless she has a disorder like Aspergers or a mood disorder. This is her personality and it is clearly making you uncomfortable. I see selfishness, entitlement and/or great hesitance on her part to pursue a relationship with you.

Even introverts get excited about a budding relationship and are eager to take things to the next level if they are interested in the person. She hasn't shown much interest.

You need to decide if your ideal relationship includes sitting on pins and needles, walking on egg shells or figuring out a puzzle. You are clearly not enjoying this...listen to your gut.

Sorry to be so negative but I see red flags.

[Cityfan]

Hmm... I doubt this will end well.

A relationship is about both people putting in fair effort and not one person carrying the burden. She has dictated the events of your relationship thus far and you seem to jump at her will for fear of upsetting her. This is not a good sign nor a good precedent for the future of the relationship if there is one. A woman respects a confident and self-assured man who will speak his mind about what he wants and if he's upset about something is not afraid to speak up.

She's had you on pins and needles for weeks and you allow it. Not responding to your text messages for hours on a frequent basis is not being introverted but being disrespectful of your feelings. This disrespect has carried over onto your upcoming trip where you are spending all this money to see her for what has moved from a few days to one day, but she is oblivious to that. You have every right to be upset and disappointed. It is understandable that her grandmother's birthday celebration is important but somehow her attempt to spend one day with you seems half-assed at best. IMO it does not warrant as much weight as you seem to put on it because you are forcing yourself not to be too upset. You have met her mom so it's not like you are a total stranger to them. She could accommodate you better but whatever is holding her back is at the root of this.

Please do not dismiss this as inexperience and introversion, unless she has a disorder like Aspergers or a mood disorder. This is her personality and it is clearly making you uncomfortable. I see selfishness, entitlement and/or great hesitance on her part to pursue a relationship with you.

Even introverts get excited about a budding relationship and are eager to take things to the next level if they are interested in the person. She hasn't shown much interest.

You need to decide if your ideal relationship includes sitting on pins and needles, walking on egg shells or figuring out a puzzle. You are clearly not enjoying this...listen to your gut.

Sorry to be so negative but I see red flags.

Petals, you are 100% right on pretty much every level.
I hate being on pins and needles, and i definitely don't want to play the "dont want to upset her" game anymore.

I did everything I could, and at first it seemed like it was a great match, even up until the point when I had to postpone our meeting from September to October, she was caring and considerate about it. At this point, I am extremely skeptical and agree that coming to see me for one
day is incredibly half-assed; almost like an attempt to just shut me up and get it over with.

Iv basically settled on seeing her in NYC for that day, and if it goes well...talking it all out and just getting to the bottom of it.
We have a skype day on tuesday where I'll see if she gives me at least an indication as to what is holding her back. If its a lack of interest, then so be it.
If its fear of an LDR or being hurt, well, that's something that can be worked on, but only if its a 2 way street.

If our date in NY does not go well, well then Im free to dust my shoulders off because I know that at least I tried and have absolutely no regrets about trying it out.

[Petals]

Petals, you are 100% right on pretty much every level.
I hate being on pins and needles, and i definitely don't want to play the "dont want to upset her" game anymore.

I did everything I could, and at first it seemed like it was a great match, even up until the point when I had to postpone our meeting from September to October, she was caring and considerate about it. At this point, I am extremely skeptical and agree that coming to see me for one
day is incredibly half-assed; almost like an attempt to just shut me up and get it over with.

Iv basically settled on seeing her in NYC for that day, and if it goes well...talking it all out and just getting to the bottom of it.
We have a skype day on tuesday where I'll see if she gives me at least an indication as to what is holding her back. If its a lack of interest, then so be it.
If its fear of an LDR or being hurt, well, that's something that can be worked on, but only if its a 2 way street.

If our date in NY does not go well, well then Im free to dust my shoulders off because I know that at least I tried and have absolutely no regrets about trying it out.

Good attitude Cityfan... Get your confidence back and get to the bottom of this matter so you can move on one way or another.


All the best!

[Cityfan]

Good attitude Cityfan... Get your confidence back and get to the bottom of this matter so you can move on one way or another.


All the best!

Thank you. I will no doubt be upset if this falls apart, I'v never clicked with a gal like we did, well...up until recently where everything started really getting weird, but whatever happens, happens

[differentcountries]

I would like to add that not answering text messages for hours is not neccesarily an issue in itself (my SO and I are both quite busy in our work, so we often reply to each a other long time after the other one sent something. Doesn't mean we don't care). It is more the uncertanty that surrounds it all.

[Cityfan]

I would like to add that not answering text messages for hours is not neccesarily an issue in itself (my SO and I are both quite busy in our work, so we often reply to each a other long time after the other one sent something. Doesn't mean we don't care). It is more the uncertanty that surrounds it all.

I don't have an issue so much with the infrequent texts...she told me straight up she is bad with it and doesn't even answer her girlfriends and family for hours sometimes. I just wish she would initiate more...even a 'how are you' in the morning once in a while would suffice.

[Cityfan]

Well LDR universe,
My heart was ripped out of my chest on tuesday. We skyped, and I asked her casually what she expected of a guy in a relationship.
She got the hint and said the following: "I have to be honest with you, and I wish I didn't have to. You are a great guy, and I like you, care about you. But the distance scares me, you're on the opposite side of the country. I just don't think I could maintain it. I still do want to stay in touch, see you in NY etc. I love what we've had the past 4 months, the skype, the connection. "

I told her I would happily move to wherever she finds work (she is finishing her studies to be a elementary/special-ed teacher). I can do what I do for work anywhere in the country. She said that she just can't let me move and drop everything I have worked for for the past 3 years.

Ultimately, I would rather have her as a friend than lose her forever. It's gutwrenching, but I do love her. She checked on me yesterday via text, and called me today to talk. Our conversation was loving, sweet, and the same mindblowing conversation we have had for months now, but ultimately she knows that I am hurting. She again reiterated that I am a great guy, and that she wishes the situation was different.

Seeing her in NY is going to be extremely painful, but I really would rather see her and get used to being friends and confidants, than lose her for good. We have an amazing time together, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Who knows, maybe itll take getting burned by some asshole guy for her to realize that it is worth moving to CA for me, or vice-versa...having me move to PA/VA/NJ/NY wherever she finds work.

[Redheart14]

Well LDR universe,
My heart was ripped out of my chest on tuesday. We skyped, and I asked her casually what she expected of a guy in a relationship.
She got the hint and said the following: "I have to be honest with you, and I wish I didn't have to. You are a great guy, and I like you, care about you. But the distance scares me, you're on the opposite side of the country. I just don't think I could maintain it. I still do want to stay in touch, see you in NY etc. I love what we've had the past 4 months, the skype, the connection. "

I told her I would happily move to wherever she finds work (she is finishing her studies to be a elementary/special-ed teacher). I can do what I do for work anywhere in the country. She said that she just can't let me move and drop everything I have worked for for the past 3 years.

Ultimately, I would rather have her as a friend than lose her forever. It's gutwrenching, but I do love her. She checked on me yesterday via text, and called me today to talk. Our conversation was loving, sweet, and the same mindblowing conversation we have had for months now, but ultimately she knows that I am hurting. She again reiterated that I am a great guy, and that she wishes the situation was different.

Seeing her in NY is going to be extremely painful, but I really would rather see her and get used to being friends and confidants, than lose her for good. We have an amazing time together, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. Who knows, maybe itll take getting burned by some asshole guy for her to realize that it is worth moving to CA for me, or vice-versa...having me move to PA/VA/NJ/NY wherever she finds work.

I'm sorry to hear this, but at least she was upfront with you. Are you sure you want to go to NY still? Like you said it's going to be extremely painful for you.

[Cityfan]

I'm sorry to hear this, but at least she was upfront with you. Are you sure you want to go to NY still? Like you said it's going to be extremely painful for you.

Redheart,

I am going to NY for 5 days (extended my vacation). Visiting one of my best friends from college, doing photography, etc. It's a trip for myself, not so much for "us". Yes, it's going to be painful, but time heals wounds...and ultimately NY is where I was born, have a big connection and love for. The fact that she is going is just part of the equation. We have a great connection, and nobody can deny that, hell even she isn't. We'll make the most out of seeing each other in NY, and have a good time together, building on that same connection, only in a different capacity.

I guess there is nothing wrong with being really good friends, staying in touch, seeing each other. Who knows, she may find a guy, and I might find a gal, and we'll end up visiting each other for vacations and such. This is obviously not the outcome I want, but I would rather have her in my life in one way or another.

[Redheart14]

Oh, I thought you were solely there to visit her.

[Cityfan]

Redheart,

I would be lying if I said that she wasn't a huge part of the trip. But the reality is I have wanted to go back to NY for over 2 years now, and she just gave me another reason to go.
I ended up making the best of it and extending my trip and planning to really enjoy the city the way I remember it, the city I love. Seeing her will add to the fun, because she and I
share a love for it. I guess I have another great gal to add to my close friend tally (I have a surprisingly uncanny ability to keep girls I'v dated as close confidants and friends, granted the list is at 2).

[Petals]

Well LDR universe,
My heart was ripped out of my chest on tuesday. We skyped, and I asked her casually what she expected of a guy in a relationship.
She got the hint and said the following: "I have to be honest with you, and I wish I didn't have to. You are a great guy, and I like you, care about you. But the distance scares me, you're on the opposite side of the country. I just don't think I could maintain it. I still do want to stay in touch, see you in NY etc. I love what we've had the past 4 months, the skype, the connection. "

I told her I would happily move to wherever she finds work (she is finishing her studies to be a elementary/special-ed teacher). I can do what I do for work anywhere in the country. She said that she just can't let me move and drop everything I have worked for for the past 3 years.

I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted but it is good that you were able to get the truth from her; it was overdue! It was very obvious that something was holding her back because the 'relationship' seemed one-sided. LDR is not for everyone, but hey- most people will do it if they think they've found the 'one.' I wouldn't read too much into her checking in on you...she just feels guilty for not being forthcoming sooner.

If you feel like being friends is workable for you go ahead; just don't hold out hope about getting back together. You deserve better

[Cityfan]

I'm sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted but it is good that you were able to get the truth from her; it was overdue! It was very obvious that something was holding her back because the 'relationship' seemed one-sided. LDR is not for everyone, but hey- most people will do it if they think they've found the 'one.' I wouldn't read too much into her checking in on you...she just feels guilty for not being forthcoming sooner.

If you feel like being friends is workable for you go ahead; just don't hold out hope about getting back together. You deserve better

Petals,
Thanks for chiming in.

I am sure there is an element of guilt involved, but she actually is a genuinely nice gal. She's young and it took her a while to realize she couldn't make it work.
As much as I am not happy about the fact it took her a while to be honest about it, I also can't blame her all that much. She's the first girl in my 26 years that
I have clicked with on all cylinders, all levels...both personality-wise, and physically...we just matched. I definitely much rather have her as a girl I can tell things to,
who understands me, and understands what to say to make me feel better when the shit hits the fan, than to not have her at all.

Obviously its not the result I want, but I have absolutely no regrets. I gave it the honest try, and know that at least there is that connection, which we can maintain. If I hadn't tried in the first place,
I never would have figured out what I am looking for in a gal, and wouldnt have at least forged the connection/click we do have.

We'll make the best of NYC and have fun together. We never know what the future holds. Who knows, maybe she'll someday realize that she wants to give us another try. Maybe she won't. Either way, she's somebody I want to keep around and close by.

[rhabdoviridae]

I'm not sure you can be genuine friends when you're still hoping she'll take you back. Sure, you can confide in her and she can comfort you, but if you're always hanging on to the chance that she'll want to get back together with you, you'll be missing out on other opportunities. Maybe you're okay with the prospect of continually renewing heartache as you remain in touch with her, hear about the things she has going in her life, etc., but I don't really think that's a healthy relationship, platonic or otherwise. Give yourself the time to heal from the break-up and then get in touch again, keeping it casual.

I just foresee so much hurt on your end