How long does it take to "be in love"?

[Gingerlyme]

With a couple of "I love you" threads going around, I really needed to ask this question

How long does it take to fall in love and be in love with someone?

I know there is no correct answer or a single answer to that. Let me share a bit.

Me and s/o have been together for a year now, we have had 8trips over the course of the year.
Just a week ago when I saw him I hinted super strongly that i love him and he flat out told me he doesn't love me. I am my s/o longest relationship and he has never said "I love you" to anyone before. The only woman he ever loved truly was his girl best friend who he liked for 5years but she never felt the same.

I'm just really confused at this point. I'm leaning towards the "if he doesn't love you now, he probably never will" and it scares me to no end. Or am I just being really impatient?

Just to clarify: he doesn't say it but he doesn't "show" me love either. He knows my love language and it sucks that he doesn't do anything with it.

I really need some opinions and thoughts especially from fellow long distance folks.

[Ahava]

He said "I don't love you"? Well why is he with you? Does he fancy you? Is he crazy about you? What does he say?
Do you have fun together and have chemistry etc?

My SO has never said it to any woman, only his child. I think it is just the culture/area, the way you are brought up. But he hasn't said he doesn't love me. He's said lots of other nice things and he's actions speak for him.
I know he does even though he hasn't and might never say it with those exact words. I said it to him after our first visit when we had known each other for half a year or so. Maybe it was a little early, but I have no need to take it back.

[Gingerlyme]

exact words were 'I care about you and like you a lot but i don't love you'
We have fun together, we are very similar people in our lifestyles and character but he is very detached from his emotions and people sometimes. His family always tell me that he has 'no emotions/Dont show emotions'
which worries me since he doesnt do anything to show that he truly cares/likes me either.

Plus the fact that he told me himself that he doesnt love me was heart-breaking

But i guess on the plus side is that, i expressed my concerns and told him that i can't feel unloved forever and he admitted that he doesn't know how to do that or be that kind of boyfriend
since he doesnt have the experience or the knowledge. he said he will try and be more affectionate which is nice but doesnt take away the fact that he doesnt love me.

[Zephii]

8 international trips in one year is a lot of work to put in for someone he claims not to love. To me, that just seems crazy!

With that said, we all deserve to be loved. If he can't provide that for you, perhaps it is time to move on.
I am sorry for your pain.

[p_b82]

If he has not 'fallen in love' with you after 8 visits and a year together then it is unlikely that he ever will be able to show his emotions more than he currently does.

I know culturally some things can be difficult, but as you say, if you feel unloved the relationship is not balanced, and you may have to walk away.

Only you know if you can accept things how they are, but do not expect your partner to change, and do not sit and wait in hope he will.

Hope he realises you mean more to him than he is saying, and makes more of an effort for you though.

[differentcountries]

It took me about a year to really fall in love with my now husband. I had just come out of a long-term relationship and had huge trust issues. He had been in love with me for four years. I always tell myself I would be a hermit had it not been for his endless patience with me. When I fell for him it was not some small thing out of comfort, either.

With my SO, it happened pretty much right away for both of us.

Love can work in so many different ways. Like Moon said, it could also be a cultural thing. I know Norwegians who are married with children and grandchildren who still can't say I love you unless said in English, because in Norwegian it is a very huge statement, even when the feelings are there.

[Miasmata]

It really comes down to what you want. Personally, I think that if you can't say that you love someone, you can't really have a romantic relationship with them, since "I love you" is basically THE agreement that the romance is there and felt. But if you feel that he does love you, he's just not an affectionate person, that's a different matter. Either way though, it depends on what you want. If he is the kind of person you want a relationship with, and he wants it with you too, you can make it work. But if you want someone who shares your views of a romantic relationship, it's better to cut your losses and move on, as much as it can hurt.

[Gingerlyme]

Ahh this is making me more confused.

One, the 8 trips have been good and I have met all of his family and friends and we make it a point to see all of his family whenever I visit. Him for me too.

Two, I totally get the "if he doesn't love you now..." Idea. It scares me to no end. I am trying to see if I can deal with this or if I "lie to myself" and end up with big resentments against him which I really don't want to. I tried picturing my life without him and I can't stop crying especially when I am about to move to Australia where he is although we would be in different states.

Three, during the last trip I also told him that I'm considering ending things because not being loved this way I understand is tiring on my soul. He was very stubborn about things and said we should wait for me to move and see how things work (which I guess he is right). He does see a future with me, he would talk about years down the road etc. he did say that he would try to be a better boyfriend and apologized. but in the end that doesn't include or guarantee the "love".

Part of me feels that if he can't love me now, it feels like he doesn't respect the woman that I am and takes me for granted.
Maybe it's the feminine traits that feels the need to be reassured of love.

[differentcountries]

I totally get that you want the I love you. He does seem to want this a lot, since he sees a future with you. Perhaps he is just trying to be realistic, while you want to be swept off your feet a little bit. Apart from the words, does he act in ways that you accociate with being loved? Is everything there but the word, or it is like a whole package of things you wish was there?

I totally get his wanting to see how things work out. It is practical, it gives you a backup plan etc. He migh be scared. When I got together with my husband I promised him nothing, I was all Let's see...which he took offense to. I told my husband I loved him after a year, but I think the biggest love statement for him was agreeing to marrying him - to him that meant that we had a real future. Before this, he also felt very loved because I made him a Christmas calender (countdown for Christmas eve) - he had never had a gf do that to him before. Does he do any things that makes you feel loved like that? When you visit his family, do you feel like he is saying that he welcomes you into every part of his life? When he gives you compliments, do you feel like he means them and that he cares? Is his touch soothing and loving? Does he treat you right in the bed and out of it? Can he brighten up your day by his personality when he sets aside time just for the two of you? When he fixes things, do you feel cared for? Does his gifts speak of his love for you, regardless of the cost?

[p_b82]

I can understand a person saying they don't want things to be hasty, but I am going to be blunt here so excuse me, but why is you moving closer to him, but not actually moving in together going to make him feel any different?

I am also sure, that as great friends you two have had great visits together; but is that the basis you want to form a relationship on? (actually being best friends is a basis, but it has to be more than just friends)

One that right now is obviously emotionally one sided? What happens if he never loves you, 2,3,5,10 years down the line?

I am not saying run for the hills and dump him, but I guess you are going to have to decide if you can continue in a relationship, and want to do so, in one where you may feel unloved forever, if he is not able to express his emotions in a 'better' fashion. He may well love you deep down, and while I am not one for 'testing' people if you were to break up and he fights to keep you, then you know he is lying to himself and just can't admit his feelings out aloud or to himself...

Maybe you need to instigate a talk with him about what love is to him, and why he doesn't love you - and what will he feel if you were to split up. Like you I get upset at the thought of not being with my GF, if there is nothing there for him when he ponders this scenario it would certainly make sense to me to strongly consider my options.

I am much more deeply in love with my GF than I ever was with my ex - but I was still in love with her, and the breakup cut me up hugely, as while things were not great between us, I still had not ever imagined we would actually split up, even though we had discussed it as a worst case scenario a few times while I thought we were working out our issues.....

Think you need to discuss this in a lot of detail with him - if you have these doubts already, they are not likely to go away if you do not address them one way or the other I am afraid to say.

[AWC5182]

Every relationship is different as to how long it takes to fall in love. I used to fall quickly, but after going through a divorce and then getting out of a very loveless relationship, I was not sure I could really 'fall in love' again. I was very guarded. I knew I wanted to love someone, but I was content in knowing that my standards were high and that I was okay not finding someone. I even thought if I found someone, I wasn't sure if I could really 'fall'. Slowly, however, I can see that my boyfriend is wearing on me and I'm in the process of falling for him. It's different than in the past.

I don't want to say give up on your boyfriend, but I don't know if there is something in his past, perhaps like me, that has made him cautious. You ultimately have to know what you can handle. I pray you can find a place where he can show you how he feels and you feel content.

[dizzyupthemeg]

I don't necessarily agree with "if he doesn't love you now.." thing. You said he has never loved before so there is a really good chance that he just isn't sure what love is for him. I knew I loved my husband on our first meeting. I could have said it within 5 minutes and meant it as much then as I do now. It took him much longer to admit his love. He isn't romantic on any level so I often questioned his feelings. Sometimes I even questioned them to his face, and I can remember arguments because he would say things like he "cares" instead of "loves" which was the word I really wanted to hear. When I really sat back and thought about it I realized it was worth waiting for. No one puts effort into an LDR that they aren't serious about, and at that time my SO was putting in a lot of effort. I waited over a year, but I'll never forget the day he finally said the words back to me. He later admitted that he had those feelings long before he verbalized them, but he wasn't sure how to categorize them in his brain for a while.

Someone else said that everyone deserves to be loved, and I could not agree more with that. It's just a matter of deciding if it is worth the wait or not. No one knows your relationship better than you, and only you can look at it and decide if you can deal with a future of just "caring" for a while. It worked out pretty well for me, and I hope it does for you also.

[sweetshay]

If your love languages don't match his then I don't think the relationship will work. You'll always be wanting something that he can't give you and vice versa. It just sounds like he has some other issues he needs to work out and if after a year he doesn't love you, what exactly would change that WOULD make him love you? That seems like it would leave me feeling taken for granted, unappreciated, or irrelevant. You should not have to feel like that. Both parties should feel like they mean everything to each other and it seems like - according to what you wrote - he could take or leave the relationship. Especially since actions speak louder than words, and he's giving you neither. It may be hard but think about spending the rest of your life feeling like this.. do you want that for yourself? I think you should be with someone who will treat you like they're afraid to lose you and give you the simple things you deserve - like love.

[Petals]

IMO, culture is not an issue here

There's a big difference between someone not saying "I love you" because they are not emotionally expressive and someone saying "I definitely don't love you, but I care about you"

In some cultures people do not verbally express 'I love you' because they are not emotionally expressive or they see that phrase as a major statement that comes with extremely deep commitment. They may not express that sentiment but they feel love for their partners and act accordingly. That is different from saying "'do not love you, but I care about you.' In this statement, the person has made an evaluation of his feelings and have concluded that he does not feel love for her. He is expressing how he feels and has no doubts about his conclusion. There are many other things he could have said, but he made it clear that his feelings do not extend to love.

My interpretation is that he is not passionate about you and though he may be committed to the relationship. Falling in love is not something that we can prevent; it happens naturally. We may fight the feeling and try not to act upon it, but in the end we feel what we feel.

If he hasn't fallen for you already OP, I don't think it will happen. Even if you continue in this relationship, a lack of deeper emotional connection that stirs up intense emotions between you will become more obvious and unbearable. You are likely to continue to feel unfulfilled in this relationship.

He has been honest with you; believe him.

You don't need to break up with him now, but if you want an electrifying relationship with a deep emotional connection, you probably will have to look elsewhere.

[Gingerlyme]

OP here

Hey everyone,

thank you so much for all of the input you guys have given me.
I took so long to reply because i really respected each and every response and have been killing myself over what to do next.

I really appreciate the thought you guys have put behind your responses as well it means a lot that the community cares.

I have spoken to S/O about it and told him that i need some time from him to put my thoughts together and that he should do the same. I told him exactly how i feel and what i need for me to feel like i'm an important part of his life and not just someone who is replaceable and can be dropped at any time.

I will keep you guys informed on what the outcome is, i love him and i can't imagine being without him but i also understand that i can't keep living and feeling the way i do. i know we reserve the rights to walk away even if it breaks us.