Advice on breakups

[barret95]

As some of you know I had a thread 2 months ago, about how my ex.girlfriend left me confused and hopeless.
(https://members.lovingfromadistance....tely-clueless)

it's been almost 3 months since it happened, and I'm still stuck blaming myself, feeling confused and worthless. I have had good days, however the bad days take over the good ones. I have been taking this breakup so terrible, it's hit my past and somehow I've crawled back into depression again. There has been two situations where I had to get my skin stitched up from Self-harming (one of them was with intentions to bleed to death) Although I'm attending counseling/CBT sessions every week I feel like my depression, anxiety and self-harm is taking over my life again. I don't know what to do, it's like i have this voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're worthless let's disappear" over and over.
I have been trying to keep myself distracted as some of y'all said that in my last thread, college work has been that distraction but it seems to not work anymore and it's overwhelming.

anyhow, I'm back here again. Looking for any advice , any help . the ex.girlfriend seems to be happy without me since day one after she ended it. heck, on her twitter she posted up a snapchat photo of some guy and she wrote "ilysm" in the tweet. it totally feels like she used me for the full 2years 5months .

I' m not sure why i'm posting here, i guess i am starting to feel alone.

[douglas2275]

I am not experienced in breakups but it sounds as though you need to "move on", life can really suck, I also go to weekly counseling for self harm and that part I do understand. I do not believe that following her on twitter is a good idea, it just seams like it would continually reopen the wounds she gave you. She also needs to move on with her life and I am guessing that she has done that to a degree. It hurts, I know, your feelings for her will linger but try to let her go without holding onto pieces of her.

[Harlequin]

As some of you know I had a thread 2 months ago, about how my ex.girlfriend left me confused and hopeless.
(https://members.lovingfromadistance....tely-clueless)

it's been almost 3 months since it happened, and I'm still stuck blaming myself, feeling confused and worthless. I have had good days, however the bad days take over the good ones. I have been taking this breakup so terrible, it's hit my past and somehow I've crawled back into depression again. There has been two situations where I had to get my skin stitched up from Self-harming (one of them was with intentions to bleed to death) Although I'm attending counseling/CBT sessions every week I feel like my depression, anxiety and self-harm is taking over my life again. I don't know what to do, it's like i have this voice in my head that keeps telling me "you're worthless let's disappear" over and over.
I have been trying to keep myself distracted as some of y'all said that in my last thread, college work has been that distraction but it seems to not work anymore and it's overwhelming.

anyhow, I'm back here again. Looking for any advice , any help . the ex.girlfriend seems to be happy without me since day one after she ended it. heck, on her twitter she posted up a snapchat photo of some guy and she wrote "ilysm" in the tweet. it totally feels like she used me for the full 2years 5months .

I' m not sure why i'm posting here, i guess i am starting to feel alone.

You've got good company here.
Have you mentioned these feelings specifically to your counselor? It sounds like you might benefit from going on anti-depressants, if only for a short while.
My first suggestion, though, would be to stop looking at her twitter, and any other social media thing you can see. That's only going to make things worse, and the idea is for you to be able to pull through this depressive spell. I understand it's going to be hard, but try not to think about her or whatever it is she's doing; she was in the wrong, and she doesn't deserve to have such power over you and your emotional wellbeing.
You matter. You're not worthless. Your feelings are valid. Sometimes things happen and impact you much more strongly than you anticipated, and they can completely rattle your cage. It can be hard to pull yourself out of that, but you have to keep going. If college work isn't distracting you anymore, try looking towards other things, and don't worry if it seems really silly. If it helps you feel better, then go for it. If my PTSD is giving me hell, one of the things I try in order to calm down is watch this girl make tiny things out of polymer clay. I also like to bake, go for a walk, or just sorta hang out with my pets. Basically, anything that's simple and I can focus on until I feel calmer. You don't want to add stress when your nerves are already exposed.

If you used a razor to self harm, throw it out. If you're still feeling that urge to self-harm, here are some suggested alternatives. Here are some numbers for suicide hotlines in the UK. Here are some games you can play online in order to relieve stress.

You'll get over the break up, just take it one day at a time.

[sweetshay]

I'm sorry that you never got closure and feel confused and hopeless. That's a terrible feeling and I understand what that feels like. Sometimes the people we date don't have the courage to tell us the full truth about the decisions that they made. But I think that we can at these situations as a positive - we no longer have to deal with an untrustworthy SO. There are a lot of things in life that are out of our control and we have to learn to come to terms with those things. (Easier said than done, I know but if it was all easy we would all be 100% happy and carefree). But since it's not we have to work a bit harder to move on from what hurt us... It might be best to unfollow her on social media like douglas2275 said. Seeing her "happy" is going to eat you up inside and it will make you feel like you were never good enough.

If you find yourself feeling down and thinking about negatives, try to flip these things and find a positive about them. For example, breaking up could have been for the better and now leaves you open giving yourself the undivided attention and TLC you need. Find value in your own life and health. You have all this extra time to focus on what should be number #1 in your life, you.

I found that the best way for me to get over my relationship of four years ending was to learn how to love myself and be alone. It was really hard for the first handful of months.. I dated people I shouldn't have just for the sake of companionship. But when I decided to cut myself off romantically and love being single I found that I was so happy not dealing with relationship drama. It was almost like forming a clean slate which can also benefit any future relationships since you're less likely to bring as much baggage into it. Because of this and other things like yoga, meditation, and art work I was able to see that I was a lot happier not thinking about that person.

It might sound silly but try to laugh more and smile more. There's research that says that it can help actually change your mind state to a happier one, sorry I don't have a cited link for you but i'm willing to look it up if you would like. Watch more funny movies but maybe stay away from romantic stuff for a bit. I still feel bitter about romantic comedies .

Things WILL get better. Someday you will look back and think how strong you were to overcome this time in your life.

[barret95]

I am not experienced in breakups but it sounds as though you need to "move on", life can really suck, I also go to weekly counseling for self harm and that part I do understand. I do not believe that following her on twitter is a good idea, it just seams like it would continually reopen the wounds she gave you. She also needs to move on with her life and I am guessing that she has done that to a degree. It hurts, I know, your feelings for her will linger but try to let her go without holding onto pieces of her.

I do tell myself that i shouldn't keep looking on her twitter, gah it's so hard. I do get good days (today is one) and although I still feel good, theres moments where I miss her. I think I miss having someone who was so close with me, we could have deep talks. Rather than missing the real her. It does feel like my best friend (or was) is gone though.

You've got good company here.
Have you mentioned these feelings specifically to your counselor? It sounds like you might benefit from going on anti-depressants, if only for a short while.
My first suggestion, though, would be to stop looking at her twitter, and any other social media thing you can see. That's only going to make things worse, and the idea is for you to be able to pull through this depressive spell. I understand it's going to be hard, but try not to think about her or whatever it is she's doing; she was in the wrong, and she doesn't deserve to have such power over you and your emotional wellbeing.
You matter. You're not worthless. Your feelings are valid. Sometimes things happen and impact you much more strongly than you anticipated, and they can completely rattle your cage. It can be hard to pull yourself out of that, but you have to keep going. If college work isn't distracting you anymore, try looking towards other things, and don't worry if it seems really silly. If it helps you feel better, then go for it. If my PTSD is giving me hell, one of the things I try in order to calm down is watch this girl make tiny things out of polymer clay. I also like to bake, go for a walk, or just sorta hang out with my pets. Basically, anything that's simple and I can focus on until I feel calmer. You don't want to add stress when your nerves are already exposed.

If you used a razor to self harm, throw it out. If you're still feeling that urge to self-harm, here are some suggested alternatives. Here are some numbers for suicide hotlines in the UK. Here are some games you can play online in order to relieve stress.

You'll get over the break up, just take it one day at a time.

I have talked about this with my counselor and we have made progress. , I've been on anti-depression medication and anxiety for the past 3 years now, hopefully in 2 months I'll finally get off them. it's right like everyone else has said, i should not be checking her twitter. I can totally agree why. I'm actually proud of myself today, last night I was extremely close to self-harming, I had the will and ignored the big urges to do it. Ended up writing my feelings out and wrote a poem. gonna try to remind myself whenever I get urges to self-harm, that I can get past them and ignore them.

I'm sorry that you never got closure and feel confused and hopeless. That's a terrible feeling and I understand what that feels like. Sometimes the people we date don't have the courage to tell us the full truth about the decisions that they made. But I think that we can at these situations as a positive - we no longer have to deal with an untrustworthy SO. There are a lot of things in life that are out of our control and we have to learn to come to terms with those things. (Easier said than done, I know but if it was all easy we would all be 100% happy and carefree). But since it's not we have to work a bit harder to move on from what hurt us... It might be best to unfollow her on social media like douglas2275 said. Seeing her "happy" is going to eat you up inside and it will make you feel like you were never good enough.

If you find yourself feeling down and thinking about negatives, try to flip these things and find a positive about them. For example, breaking up could have been for the better and now leaves you open giving yourself the undivided attention and TLC you need. Find value in your own life and health. You have all this extra time to focus on what should be number #1 in your life, you.

I found that the best way for me to get over my relationship of four years ending was to learn how to love myself and be alone. It was really hard for the first handful of months.. I dated people I shouldn't have just for the sake of companionship. But when I decided to cut myself off romantically and love being single I found that I was so happy not dealing with relationship drama. It was almost like forming a clean slate which can also benefit any future relationships since you're less likely to bring as much baggage into it. Because of this and other things like yoga, meditation, and art work I was able to see that I was a lot happier not thinking about that person.

It might sound silly but try to laugh more and smile more. There's research that says that it can help actually change your mind state to a happier one, sorry I don't have a cited link for you but i'm willing to look it up if you would like. Watch more funny movies but maybe stay away from romantic stuff for a bit. I still feel bitter about romantic comedies .

Things WILL get better. Someday you will look back and think how strong you were to overcome this time in your life.

Lately I have been trying to convince myself that it's better to be single for now.
The relationship was one sided, i had to be the one starting and holding conversations very often. she did get very jealous when I talked to another female friend of mine

However now, I do feel free to do whatever i want.
I just, don't think that i'll find a female like her who did find my attractive and was interested.


Thanks for the replies, everyone. Generally helped and made me feel less alone to the world.

[whatruckus]

My friend is going through the same thing as you, and being someone who came from a really shitty relationship as well, which lasted 5 years and 95% one-sided, you need to understand some things: You ARE capable of being loved and loving again. YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING. You WILL find someone who's just as attractive, possibly even more attractive, who will love you just as much as you love them. Once you let go of her, you'll be able to move on. You need to cut off everything with her. Block her on everything. Do NOT check up on her on social media, through friends, etc. Believe me, you feel as though no one will be the same, but there ARE people out there who are better. This is not the end of the world. You keep going about your day, living your life, just as you did before. Nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is that she is gone, but you need to realize that this is a good thing. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Throw yourself in hobbies, friends, school, work, family...anything to keep your mind off of her. Pick up new hobbies, make new friends. Go out. Do something. Don't sit at home sulking, thinking about her. That's not going to help you at all. Self-harming isn't going to help you, it might help at the time, but then you'll be reminded of why you did it every time you look at those physical wounds.

Plus, for all you know, she could be putting up a front on Twitter, or whatever, because she knows you're probably looking at it.

She obviously wasn't that interested if she left you the way she did, and made you do all of the work in the relationship. You did your best and she was the one who decided she didn't want it. It's her fault.

[Miasmata]

I don't really have much to add besides what everyone said. Just wanted to come in and reassure you some more. Stay away from her, and keep focusing on your own wellbeing and your selfcare. Glad you are making progress with dropping the selfharm, keep at it, use your coping mechanisms, and do things that fulfill you. Love is definitely not something you gotta let go forever. But right now and at all times in the future, you are the most important person in your life, and you should keep on the path to take good care of yourself. Keep it up, you can do this.

[differentcountries]

after my ex and I broke up, I felt really down like you. I didn't do anyself-harm though, but I felt very low about myself. It was not just the break-up, but how it happened. We broke up after getting married, telling everyone we were married and sending out thank you cards with our pictures on. It was extremely embarrasing. I did feel used. She even said stuff like I never really loved you, well it took me some time to learn that that is what people say - when they are no longer i love, it is like that they forget that they once were, they tend to re-write the past in the light of the present. After I realized that, I didn't feel so down about myself. Also, I started to see that the way the whole thing went down had more to do with me than with her. Even so, it took me a long time to "de-frost" from closing down my heart. I swore to protect myself better in the future, and I think I have done so. Also, this is kind of low of me, but I do take some pride in the fact that I have now had a relationship of more than 10 years, while my ex is still single. She is simply not that easy to live with. she doubts herself and dobuts people around her. I have grown to care for my ex as a friend, but that took a long long time to really forgive myself and her for what happened. One of the things I did, I stopped reading her blog. I used to obsess over it, and also other things that she wrote. I told myself that when time had passed, I could go back to read it. It turned out, when I did - after one year or so - I didn't really care about what she wrote anymore. It didn't speak to me. I used my time in my journal instead, and finding out more about me. What do I - ME - want in a relationship? What kind of person would I love to partner up with? I looked at my dreams and priomised myself I would try to reach those dreams. I felt a bit "stained" by the fact that she knew me so well; in bed, in my thoughts, in my mind, in my actions. So... I changed my hair. I changed my hobbies. I got someone new in my bed. I was not wholly that person anymore, that person she could posess through our past intimacy. And that NEW person, that person could also become friends with her. After I married someone else we became friends again. But the old me couldn't have done that. So, if you feel alone and like you are stuck, remember that we as humans are always changing. And since she opted out, your ex can't join you on your path of change. But you can join you, and develop as a person. You have your whole life in front of you. Someone used years of their life to be together with you. Even if the ending was bad you were still wanted. You will be wanted again. And you will want yourself again. You just be patient with yourself, and continue with all the good things you do. all will come.

[barret95]

You're all so right!!! honestly reading the comments is heart touching to me. Really got to me.
what everyone has said is so true as well. It's shown me a new different way to look at the whole experience, from that I'm going to influence myself and grasp what I learnt from the relationship and breakup. I'm bugged out that I was loyal and faithful to her, however she did kiss someone else at a party (from which I found out myself)..who knows what else she did at other parties... heck, I did reject one of my friends who did try to kiss me while she was in England (which is probably why my ex. got jealous when I talked to her afterwards). We had our moment but I pulled through and did the right thing.

Just want to let you know your comments mean something to me, they've supported me and pointed me in the rightful path. I'll try to post an update later

[Miasmata]

No worries about us, just take good care of yourself now, that's where you need your energy. All the best

[p_b82]

Just want to echo what other's have said (been away for a bit so playing catch up) - My ex moved on so fast it was brutal. She dumped me on the Sunday, and by the Friday had slept with 3 people - I offered after I got back from my work trip to try to sort things out, but when found out she could not wait a week. I told her it was over and done, and she had burnt any chance she ever had with me again with her behaviour. It got worse when she brought one of her ****toys to our house the week before I was due to move out....

I have to say stop following her on any form of social media - I blocked my ex until I was 'over her' as otherwise it just dragged up the memories again.

Once you get to a point where you can let the hate/anger/hurt go - and understand that you are wasting emotions on some-one that just doesn't care it all becomes easier..... it just takes time. for me was nearly 18 months until I realised I had emotionally healed finally to be in a position to love some-one else again.....