To make an extremely long story short, after weeks of discussing and working and anxiety, my sister steps into my room last night and hands me a small stack of papers. And what may these papers be for? Why, they be from my aunt who had agreed to give me and my cousin some of her frequent flyer miles so I could book a flight to Michigan at the end of this month so at long last I could go see my boyfriend, only one month after our first year anniversary. And these papers had the flight already booked. Done. BAM.
I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it, I had to take my bf right then to tell him, called my aunt to thank her a million times, messaged my best friend to blab about it and put it on my facebook so the whole world would know.
And then the panicking set it. I'm sure you all have an dea of what I'm talking about. The OMG, what am I going to wear? What should I bring him? What will we do? Etc. It's a scary but good kind of panic where you have so much energy cause it's all so much at once and you can't really believe it's going to finally happen.
But then a second panic entered my mind. A darker, more painful panic. My SO and I have never physically me in person, this shall be our first time if that tells you anything. I can't even begin to describe the type of fear that's pulsing through me right now. It's making me wary of him, not able to enjoy talking with him which is absolutely ridiculous because he hasn't even DONE anything and I feel awful taking it out on him. We haven't fought, not even a hint at any sort of argument and I feel like my actions are going to change that. Why?? Who wants to argue when there's no reason to?
I don't know if he's not as nervous as I am because he's the one staying put (I know he IS nervous but I don't think it's as badly as this). I've told him how scared I am and I'm been reassuring and sweet...but I just can't shake off this feeling. I want to be happy and walking on cloud nine the rest of the month as I prepare for the trip, but now it feels like I'll be anxious and unsettled instead. Why am I feeling this way? What do I do to get rid of it? I want this trip to be perfect and I feel like I'm going to make a million mistakes.
I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it, I had to take my bf right then to tell him, called my aunt to thank her a million times, messaged my best friend to blab about it and put it on my facebook so the whole world would know.
And then the panicking set it. I'm sure you all have an dea of what I'm talking about. The OMG, what am I going to wear? What should I bring him? What will we do? Etc. It's a scary but good kind of panic where you have so much energy cause it's all so much at once and you can't really believe it's going to finally happen.
But then a second panic entered my mind. A darker, more painful panic. My SO and I have never physically me in person, this shall be our first time if that tells you anything. I can't even begin to describe the type of fear that's pulsing through me right now. It's making me wary of him, not able to enjoy talking with him which is absolutely ridiculous because he hasn't even DONE anything and I feel awful taking it out on him. We haven't fought, not even a hint at any sort of argument and I feel like my actions are going to change that. Why?? Who wants to argue when there's no reason to?
I don't know if he's not as nervous as I am because he's the one staying put (I know he IS nervous but I don't think it's as badly as this). I've told him how scared I am and I'm been reassuring and sweet...but I just can't shake off this feeling. I want to be happy and walking on cloud nine the rest of the month as I prepare for the trip, but now it feels like I'll be anxious and unsettled instead. Why am I feeling this way? What do I do to get rid of it? I want this trip to be perfect and I feel like I'm going to make a million mistakes.
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