Spending days with my SO is as beautiful as destructive.
Im feeling a bit discouraged in this period, since every visit and all its post-visit blues make me realize how long this will last. This up and down, this hit and run, this happyness-sadness status. This for-a-week(end)-we're-together-24/7-then-we'll-say-goodbye-and-see-you-in-6/7-weeks. It's really frustrating.
It's that physical needing and missing, and I dont talk about sex. I talk about feeling his warm embrace, I talk about those silent moments which turn to be so uncomfortable in chat but perfect when we're together. I talk about looking at him while he does his routine stuff like if I was looking at some artist doing a beautiful portrait. I talk about those little things that complete me and make everything so nice when we're together, and everything so empty when we're not.
And Im here hating myself for crying, for missing him so much, for feeling down and discouraged.
But the point is.. I may not complain about it, I mean, we see each other "often", everything's going great, but.. Im sad. Im sad this will last for AT LEAST another year and half. Only then I'll be done with school. School is the only reason that keeps me away from taking a one way ticket to him.
Crazy thoughts have come to my mind, like leaving school, like leaving everything behind me and start a new life there with him. But first, I think he'll never allow me to do so. He wants for me to study more than I do, more than most people do. And then, I know deep inside that it'll be "only" another year and I'll be done. And that I need a degree.
But.. I just hate it. I could write thousands of this post and all the words still wouldnt describe how I feel.
The thing I hate the most is that I have no choice. I always did what I felt like doing, without anything to stop me, but now I have this giant wall between me and what I love/would love to do. And everytime I stand it less.
And standing it less makes me feel bad about my relationship. Im afraid it is going to cause me more stress and sadness than happyness and joy. Im afraid he wont be able to wait for me anymore. This is something I feel as well. That he is waiting for me. For me to do what I have to do. And this puts a bit of pressure on me. And even if I know it may help, sometimes I dont really feel like talking about it with him.
Sometimes Im afraid it will all end because of something that we cant do anything about. This relationship is the best thing I have and the best thing I've ever had. Im putting all my efforts, my patience, my tears, my strength, but these days just feel awful.
Im feeling a bit discouraged in this period, since every visit and all its post-visit blues make me realize how long this will last. This up and down, this hit and run, this happyness-sadness status. This for-a-week(end)-we're-together-24/7-then-we'll-say-goodbye-and-see-you-in-6/7-weeks. It's really frustrating.
It's that physical needing and missing, and I dont talk about sex. I talk about feeling his warm embrace, I talk about those silent moments which turn to be so uncomfortable in chat but perfect when we're together. I talk about looking at him while he does his routine stuff like if I was looking at some artist doing a beautiful portrait. I talk about those little things that complete me and make everything so nice when we're together, and everything so empty when we're not.
And Im here hating myself for crying, for missing him so much, for feeling down and discouraged.
But the point is.. I may not complain about it, I mean, we see each other "often", everything's going great, but.. Im sad. Im sad this will last for AT LEAST another year and half. Only then I'll be done with school. School is the only reason that keeps me away from taking a one way ticket to him.
Crazy thoughts have come to my mind, like leaving school, like leaving everything behind me and start a new life there with him. But first, I think he'll never allow me to do so. He wants for me to study more than I do, more than most people do. And then, I know deep inside that it'll be "only" another year and I'll be done. And that I need a degree.
But.. I just hate it. I could write thousands of this post and all the words still wouldnt describe how I feel.
The thing I hate the most is that I have no choice. I always did what I felt like doing, without anything to stop me, but now I have this giant wall between me and what I love/would love to do. And everytime I stand it less.
And standing it less makes me feel bad about my relationship. Im afraid it is going to cause me more stress and sadness than happyness and joy. Im afraid he wont be able to wait for me anymore. This is something I feel as well. That he is waiting for me. For me to do what I have to do. And this puts a bit of pressure on me. And even if I know it may help, sometimes I dont really feel like talking about it with him.
Sometimes Im afraid it will all end because of something that we cant do anything about. This relationship is the best thing I have and the best thing I've ever had. Im putting all my efforts, my patience, my tears, my strength, but these days just feel awful.
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