Boyfriend can be rude to me sometimes

[Polly]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, with most of it being long distance. We're at that point where we know each other really well and are comfortable with each other. I guess you could say we are getting to the end of that "honey moon phase", although we still try to do and say special things for each other.

I don't know if this is normal for most people in relationships, but on some rare occasions my SO has been short and abrupt with me, and even rude. And they weren't during times of stress, so you can't say stress was a factor. For example, sometimes he can be a bit condescending if I misunderstand some technical thing he's explaining, or one time I made a comment and he said " and your point is..."

Or once I talked about something that was bugging me at work, even though I had talked about it before, and he was "can we talk about something else, because you talked about this before". That kind of hurt my feelings because I just needed to vent.

90% of the time he's super considerate but once in a while he'll say something thoughtless or kinda rude. Maybe he's not aware of it, but I never say anything because I don't want to fight.

Do any of you just not say anything or let the moment pass when your SO says something that is rude? I also don't like saying anything because I don't like arguing especially over long distance.

[differentcountries]

If you don't like to say anything, how is he supposed to understand that you find his comments rude?

[Polly]

I guess I just think that if he's mostly sweet most of the time, it's not worth pointing it out to him, unless he starts to do it more often.

[whatruckus]

I guess I just think that if he's mostly sweet most of the time, it's not worth pointing it out to him, unless he starts to do it more often.

I used to think like that. Now, I try to bring it up. I'm still no where as good at bringing stuff up as I should be, but I do it more often now.

[aniay]

I agree with differentcountries. I'd tell him, " I don't like when you say (insert the rude phrase) . It makes me feel (bad/disrespected/sad/ignored etc..)"

It is very imporatnt to say it this way and not "you are rude because....."
This way you are talking about YOUR feelings and emotions not him. But you should say something because otherwise he will keep doing it not knowing you don't like it.

[differentcountries]

My guy is sweeter than sweet to me 97 % of the time but the things that he does that really brother me I tell him, so he can stop doing them, and so he will know more about how my mind works, which is sometimes very different from his. If you wait until things get worse you have already set a pattern that can be hard to change for the both of you, especially if things take a turn for the worse during a period of stress.

[Polly]

Now that I think about it, I really regret never having said anything, because he probably thinks he's never done anything wrong and that things are perfect.

I know I'm a million times more considerate than most people. I'm a sensitive person, so I always think before saying anything that I might regret, because I don't want to hurt people's feelings.

I made this mistake in my last relationship and I promised myself to always speak up when my SO says something that bothers me, but obviously, I'm making the same mistake again.

[differentcountries]

It is not neccesarily a matter of doing things RIGHT or WRONG, but doing something that pleases or displeasesthat specific person. I for instance dont like it if SO tells me at the airportafter a long travel that I "look tired". Although he probably means is that he wants to take care of me, I will rather have him phraze it differently or say nothing at all. Or, SO doesn't like me to speak hard to him or really do anything that even remotely resembles having a fight, and he doesn't always like to talk about problems either. So that means I have to be creative when raising an issue I have.

Have you told your boyfriend about the relationship mistakes you made in the past?

[Honour]

It happens between my SO and I sometimes. I admit, I have the memory of a gold fish, and more often than not me repeating stuff has gotten my SO annoyed, but when he might snap at me, I snap back, then we instantly speak up about it and tell each other to shut up Nah, we deal with it as it happens, or re-approach the subject a little while later. He tends to be a little less considerate than me on occasions, but we complement each other well, because I'm TOO considerate sometimes xD. We're both pretty opinionated, and not afraid to speak our minds (honesty and bluntness is great!), so we never had an issue speaking to each other when something bothered us or irritated us. I'd say be the same with your SO. Just be honest. He'll appreciate it more than he realises, and you'll feel a whole lot better.

[p_b82]

I'll be honest, when my previous ex used to randomly waffle about something, but with no point, or she was hinting but not saying what she meant I would use exactly the phrase of "and your point is"

Most guys prefer for things to be said and out in the open - we can then work out how to deal with the things that are then said, and not play guessing games.

If there is a topic that you keep bringing up, that doesn't have any solution whether you are venting or not, he may be frustrated that you are going in a circle. He may have made suggestions on how to resolve it in the past, but you have not been able to do anything about it etc. My recent ex was in a rut with work; I made repeated suggestions on things she could try to do, but she was not obviously willing to do much about it, so I started to get frustrated myself with it. I am not saying this is the case, but it could be an explanation if it was.

It could also just be the way he is, and now he is more comfortable with you, he doesn't realise he is doing it. I am blunt, I am brutally honest, and I will tell people what I am thinking when asked, or give my opinion when I think it might help the other person. I have been told by some that I can come across as rude - but those are normally people that have heard me saying something to a friend, and don't know the way that I am. I act very differently to strangers....

[snow]

He also might think that whatever he said was alright when to you it was rude. I had instances like that happen with my man and at first I would just smile and forget about it, because I knew he didn't want to hurt me, but yet it did. Then we would have an argument about something and it would come up and he'd understand that a lot of things he said were hurtful and he would make an effort to stop. Now, we are at the point were I can say "this was rude" or "this was too much" and he would immediately apologize, because he knows that I let a lot of things slide, but if I speak up, he crossed my line.

It's all about talking to each other about things. I have had him say the same "can we talk about something else? we've already talked about this" speech, but I simply told him "I know we did, but there is more I need to say on this topic" and we would talk it out. Be confident! What you say is important, but also understand that if he really loves you, he is not intentionally trying to hurt you, he doesn't know where your line is - show it to him.

I was appalled the first time my man called me a biatch for fun. It was not meant as an insult or anything, but I was shocked! I told him that this is where I draw my line and I don't want him to use words like that towards me, even in joking, even though his brother in law does it to his sister all the time in good spirit. He accepted that this is something I am serious about and he never did it again.

[Miasmata]

Never forget - Big issues often are small issues that were allowed to grow unchecked!

I agree with the previous posts. Even the sweetest people can have their flubs in communication, and giving them a quick headsup about it is the easiest and most effective way to deal with that. Don't let these things pile up until they turn into resentment and the likes. Don't be afraid to speak up! If your SO is worth being around, he will understand and make an effort to improve.

[Polly]

I think what also makes it hard for me to speak up when my boyfriend has said something inconsiderate or rude is that he doesn't react well to being told he's done something bad.

For example, when I nicely brought up the fact that I like hearing from him once in a while even if it's just a short text at the end of the day if that's all he can manage, he took it too hard, and was all "now I feel like I'm a bad boyfriend" and felt guilty and sad, because he wasn't communicating enough. I brought it up in the most positive and non-criticizing way as possible, and he still couldn't handle it. Then I felt bad for even bringing it up.

And another thing that bothers me is that around his family and friends he treats me totally differently. When we're together he is very affectionate, but around them he almost completely ignores me, barely touches me and in general acts like he's uncomfortable to be around me. It is the weirdest thing. He said that he just feels it is appropriate to be more formal to each other around friends and family, but I just find it weird and it hurts my feelings especially when I see his siblings and their SO's or his couple friends acting like couples.

For example when we went in a hike in a group with friends and family, couples were walking together, except my SO walked on his own, really far from me, basically leaving me by myself. And this was during a short visit when we knew we wouldn't see each other again for 2-3 months and every moment together was valuable. I did bring up my concern and he later showed more affection and consideration, but it still weirds me out and bothers me that I had to ask my SO to treat me like I was his girlfriend and that he shouldn't have abandoned me and left me alone on the hike.

It still hurts whenever I think about it.

[merlinkitty]

This maybe my own personal shell shock to my ex responding so please feel free to ignore what I'm going to say if you feel it doesn't apply. For 9 years he would say stuff to me in public that would embarrass the heck out of me. He would be really nasty to me in private and say things that chipped away at my ego since I was so wanting to please. He pointed out ways I was deficient and treated me almost as a distant friend in public. I hated bringing this up because I didn't want to argue. But even when I did he wouldn't listen and would keep it up.

The important piece of this story for you is he wouldn't listen. And it never changed. If he's treating you like this now, he will treat you like this after marriage. People can change but it's less likely if they're already not listening.

I can't add much the others haven't said, but tell you I understand your not wanting to argue, especially long distance. Here's one thing though. It's not an argument if you two can discuss. If one person gets offended and then defensive then they're the one who's this turned it into an argument. Just be aware of how he deals with conflict. Because these things typically don't change either. Take care.

[p_b82]

My recent ex got 'pissy' when she heard something she didn't like, and would always go straight on the offensive, so I understand where you are coming from with your comments. But if you feel you cannot bring something like this up in conversation, is this some-one you want to spend the rest of your life with, treading on eggshells around them?

I am not saying break up, but I am saying ask yourself some tough questions about how his behaviour makes your feel, and if you cannot accept that is the way he is likely to treat you, and you can't discuss it without something positive coming out of it, then for me personally I would be looking to move on.

While my ex never liked me say what I did, I was always speaking my mind and things from my opinion. Times she would tell me I was wrong, I'd listen and apologise, other times it was for her to say sorry. The point is though that unless there can be some resolution to the issues, then this is going to blow up into something a lot bigger in the long run, and IMO needs to be sorted out sooner rather than later.

Not going to be easy to work this out, but I think you need to stand up for yourself here, and look after yourself and not be so worried about his feelings.... good luck!