Originally posted by Schmitty21
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Losing interest right before we're supposed to be together for the summer.
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Last edited by Kapwned; May 11, 2015, 06:56 AM.
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I guess I'm still confused then. Communication between us was very easy 1-2 months ago before we got into this situation. I didn't pressure her to text me, we just naturally did throughout the day, and not an absurd amount. Yes there was pressure from me for the daily phone calls once in a while but I backed off right away when she said she had become unhappy with it. I'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?
So yes, I have backed off. Yesterday I texted her asking how Colorado was since I was concerned about the nasty weather they had to deal with. I didn't mention that, just asked how Colorado was. A few hours later she said, "Good, we're feasting!" and sent me a pic of their dinner. I said "Looks delicious!" and left it at that, just happy that everything was going okay.
I suppose its the drastic change and mixed messages that have me off balance still. I understand I was needy and I have to do better at that. But when you're comfortable with a certain level of contact and that disappears very suddenly, its difficult, especially over distance. I don't want to bug her or pester her, but in a relationship is it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party? I know before I wanted too much, but now I have none from her. Its a very painful change to wonder every day if they even care about you at all.
I don't know what side of the line to walk on, before it was so natural for us to chat. With no texts from her I feel like I should just take the hint and leave her be. We've never "played games" before, even when we first started dating. We just talked or texted as it suited us.
Honestly today I just feel like giving up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know how to do anything without being selfish because I just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.
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Originally posted by Schmitty21 View PostI guess I'm still confused then. Communication between us was very easy 1-2 months ago before we got into this situation. I didn't pressure her to text me, we just naturally did throughout the day, and not an absurd amount. Yes there was pressure from me for the daily phone calls once in a while but I backed off right away when she said she had become unhappy with it. I'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?
So yes, I have backed off. Yesterday I texted her asking how Colorado was since I was concerned about the nasty weather they had to deal with. I didn't mention that, just asked how Colorado was. A few hours later she said, "Good, we're feasting!" and sent me a pic of their dinner. I said "Looks delicious!" and left it at that, just happy that everything was going okay.
I suppose its the drastic change and mixed messages that have me off balance still. I understand I was needy and I have to do better at that. But when you're comfortable with a certain level of contact and that disappears very suddenly, its difficult, especially over distance. I don't want to bug her or pester her, but in a relationship is it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party? I know before I wanted too much, but now I have none from her. Its a very painful change to wonder every day if they even care about you at all.
I don't know what side of the line to walk on, before it was so natural for us to chat. With no texts from her I feel like I should just take the hint and leave her be. We've never "played games" before, even when we first started dating. We just talked or texted as it suited us.
Honestly today I just feel like giving up. I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I don't know how to do anything without being selfish because I just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.
What your whole situation looks like to me is what happened to me and my SO. I was pretty needy for the first year - year and a half. He started distancing himself from me and told me he was losing interest. Granted, it was mostly his PTSD, but I do take fault in being overly needy with him. I used to do the same things you did. It irritated him. Like everyone keeps saying, you really just need to back off for a while and learn not to jump the gun when you get anxious. It's not easy. But, I've done it, and I was pretty bad. I've gotten wayyyyyyyyyy better and he even says it.
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When you start to get anxious and feel the need to text her or call her, stop and think. Count to 10. Think to yourself, "Is this REALLY something that's necessary? Do I REALLY need to text her/call her for this? Or, am I being irrational again?" I do this. It helps. When I start getting this way, and I've already picked up my phone, I just stare at it for a couple seconds. Put it down, and then think "If this is something that's really necessary, then it'll be okay if I don't contact him right this second because the urge will still be there." You know what almost always happens? I don't even pick my phone up again to contact my SO. And, whatever it was at the moment that was making me have that anxiety, it goes away and I forget about it.
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Originally posted by whatruckus View PostWhen you start to get anxious and feel the need to text her or call her, stop and think. Count to 10. Think to yourself, "Is this REALLY something that's necessary? Do I REALLY need to text her/call her for this? Or, am I being irrational again?" I do this. It helps. When I start getting this way, and I've already picked up my phone, I just stare at it for a couple seconds. Put it down, and then think "If this is something that's really necessary, then it'll be okay if I don't contact him right this second because the urge will still be there." You know what almost always happens? I don't even pick my phone up again to contact my SO. And, whatever it was at the moment that was making me have that anxiety, it goes away and I forget about it.
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You are still focusing on your needs, and you're starting to sound melodramatic. This is when you take the advice of those who commented before this. Insecurities and anxiety tend to catastrophize things and blow them out of proportion.
Originally posted by Schmitty21 View PostIs it wrong to desire at least some attention from the other party?.
Originally posted by Schmitty21 View PostI'm going to feel insecure with a situation where there is now no contact from her. Who wouldn't?
Originally posted by Schmitty21 View PostI just want to talk to her. I've been in the dark for a while now and its too stressful. I guess I just have to keep myself busy until Friday and face the facts when they finally decide to show themselves.
Things aren't the way they are just because, you have all of the facts and answers here. If you stop focusing on the results and what it's come to, and instead focus on the cause and the solution you can make things better.
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To be honest I appreciate your advice but your insistence that I'm am pestering her constantly is wrongly placed. I HAVE respected her desire for space. I have not called her in 5 days and did not plan on doing so until she is here. I texted her once a day the past few days and haven't at all today. I have not given her a hard time for anything since she told me was starting to lose interest. I've tried to be as accommodating as possible, something I wish I had done far sooner.
I am stating I do not understand how we so quickly went into a state of very little communication and that her not taking any initiative at all has me worried. I am saying I am unsure of how much communication to pursue, though at this point I think none is probably the best course until she is here. Yes that is insecure but considering the history of our relationship, which was a mutual amount of communication for the most part, I do not see why this is not understandable to be at least a little upset about. We used to share our adventures and days quite a bit. I can accept that she is busy and on a trip, and I have. But I think I'm am at least allowed to miss the woman I love and the contact with her I used to enjoy.
You are correct on your point about not having zero contact. It may be uncomfortable right now but its not nothing.
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You are allowed to be sad. Really. But look at it from her side... She loved a man who went from loving her back the way she liked it to either not treating her well or becoming too intense. Now she wonder, has he changed at all? Is he still wrapped up in himself, or can he see me?
I have no doubt my ex once loved me. But her insecurities distroyed our relationship. I felt either suffocated or ignored. It started as a whirlwind of emotion and ended up everything being about her. This could be in your future too.I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
- Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"
"Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits
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Also to weigh in at the end, that relationships change and alter in time, they are not a constant, and there will be times that work is needed to get through the downs.
I was dumped because my ex felt stifled as it turned out - she however had not been as clear with her communication as your GF has been, and so I was left in the dark chasing something, which was making it all worse. If she had said to me - You are not acting rationally, you are stifling me and I can't maintain this level of communication, we need to work out a new balance, I am 90% confident we would still be together.
One thing I learnt from all that, is to make sure that the expectation of each party is understood, and if the expectations are wildly different, then while you might love her hugely, it might just be a relationship that doesn't work out for each of you longer term - because you want different things and have altering emotional requirements. And there is nothing wrong with that - it sucks if it is not mutual, but better than remaining in something where it is not even in my mind.
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Originally posted by Schmitty21 View PostTo be honest I appreciate your advice but your insistence that I'm am pestering her constantly is wrongly placed. I HAVE respected her desire for space. I have not called her in 5 days and did not plan on doing so until she is here. I texted her once a day the past few days and haven't at all today. I have not given her a hard time for anything since she told me was starting to lose interest. I've tried to be as accommodating as possible, something I wish I had done far sooner.
I am stating I do not understand how we so quickly went into a state of very little communication and that her not taking any initiative at all has me worried. I am saying I am unsure of how much communication to pursue, though at this point I think none is probably the best course until she is here. Yes that is insecure but considering the history of our relationship, which was a mutual amount of communication for the most part, I do not see why this is not understandable to be at least a little upset about. We used to share our adventures and days quite a bit. I can accept that she is busy and on a trip, and I have. But I think I'm am at least allowed to miss the woman I love and the contact with her I used to enjoy.
You are correct on your point about not having zero contact. It may be uncomfortable right now but its not nothing.
In the beginning of my relationship my boyfriend was so verbally affectionate, he said some of the sweetest things I'd ever heard anyone say to me. But with time that flat out disappeared. He is not verbally affectionate at all now because it simply isn't what he's like. He's not a verbally expressive guy. He stutters every time he has to say something affectionate or complimentary toward someone. The only reason he was so affectionate in the beginning was because he was high on oxytocin and endorphin due to his new relationship. For some people this stage lasts longer than others, it's why it's called the puppy love, cloud 9, or honeymoon phase. But I know my boyfriend still loves me. It's hard to tell at times because when we're apart he can't physically show it and he doesn't verbally show it either. I admit I struggled with this in the beginning and I found myself straight up asking how he was feeling about me. He started to get annoyed because he knew I was asking simply because he wasn't verbal about it and I wanted a verbal affirmation. I had to find his subtle ways of showing he cared. I continue to show my love for him verbally even if he doesn't respond to it equally. But he shows he cares in the subtle things he says, and the gestures he makes. We don't have a routine anymore, at least anything declared or promised. I care about him, I'm interested in him, so I am learning to simply enjoy him.Last edited by Kapwned; May 13, 2015, 08:44 AM.
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Originally posted by Kapwned View PostJust stop talking about it with her. Not even briefly or casually. ... When you aren't having fun because things aren't going as you planned, she probably wasn't having fun because of that. When you couldn't see the good in a situation, she probably felt like she or your relationship weren't good enough for you. And then you'd want to talk about it and apologize. You are most likely mentally and emotionally exhausting her.
She probably needs space and you need to work on your insecurities on your own. You don't need to apologize, there's probably little you can do other than give into your insecurities. You can't just convince her with words or apologetic gestures. Like I said, she's probably feeling mentally exhausted over how insecure you've been acting. ...And imagine how much of a mood killer someone can be if they frequently bring up heavy topics when all you want to do is talk and spend time with them?
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