He left...

[twentynine11]

Here lately, I've been making a post every other day it seems like.

He was here all weekend and left around 6:00 am today. It was a great weekend. He played basketball a lot and I tried to include myself so that I could at least see him. He spent Father's Day with his family. When we were together, I feel like we had a really good time. It was a great weekend over all. However, last night we got into a fight. It was a huge misunderstanding and he didn't know how to handle my emotions, AGAIN. I was trying not to cry, I was trying to make our last few hours together good. He thought I had an attitude. He rolled over and faced the wall to go to sleep. He didn't touch me the entire night. I cried myself to sleep.

This morning he woke up at 5:00 am so he could head back "home". When he was packing, he didn't look at me, not once. When he was done, he stood by the bedside and told me, "I'm leaving, do you want to kiss me or not!?". I immediately began to cry uncontrollably and asked him "how in the world can you hurt me like this?". He knows that I already have a hard time with him leaving. But him leaving in bad terms and not even wanting to hold me or get to a good point before he leaves, that hurt even more. It made me really feel that he doesn't care about what I go through when he is gone. I even asked him to make love to me before he left, he refused. I have NEVER rejected him in that way, EVER!

I try really hard not to be emotional, but sometimes it is impossible to avoid. In this case, it was impossible for me to avoid.

I caught him at his car before he left. I told him that I didn't understand how he could knowingly hurt me this way. How can you leave me in tears and pain and not care? The fight/disagreement/misunderstanding last night really didn't seem worth all of this. Life is too short not to love on and smile with the ones you love.

I think he takes this relationship for granted. He takes me for granted.

I feel so weak in this. He uses my own emotions again me. He knows exactly how to drive me to tears and doesn't hold back when it comes to making that happen.
When he "broke up" with me, or needed space, or whatever it was back in April... something changed in him. He got cockier. His arrogance grew.
While he has told me that he doesn't need to hear compliments or praise from me, he is quick to say things about himself. He compliments himself more than he compliments me.

I tried to talk to him about what happened this morning on the phone while he was driving. He was silent and didn't care to work it out. All he wanted to do was "drop it". Again, it didn't matter how I felt, he just wanted to stop talking. So he got off the phone with me and I haven't heard from him since.

This hurts soooo bad. My heart hurts, literally. It has been beating rapidly all morning. It makes me cry. The pain of this relationship is overwhelming. All I want is to be numb. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

[Mr Gravy]

I'm at a loss of words.
Where to start even...? I can't think of any excuse for this kind of behavior. He continuously makes you miserable, possibly on purpose as you described it. You said yourself that he knows exactly how to drive you up a tree. He avoids difficult talks. He is cocky, arrogant and quite possibly manipulating you.
In a relationship both partners are supposed to be equals who support each other. Yet, your SO clearly believes that he is superior to you and therefore doesn't need to follow any rules.
You'll have to ask yourself what good is left in your relationship. After reading your post I find it hard to believe that your SO does you any good and seeing how he can leave just like that really makes me question his feelings for you. If he truly loved you I doubt he could act like that.

Sorry to be so blunt but I think it would be best for you if you completely cut contact to your SO. Immediately, preferably sooner.

[Ella85]

I have no good advice for you but I'm here if you need to talk. I'm sorry you are going though this Take care.

[differentcountries]

Misunderstandings are the worst. I am sorry for your pain.

[twentynine11]

Thank you all.
It is soooo hard to accept that someone that you love so much doesn't love you for who you are. I am so hurt.
No offense to anyone on the forum, but it is sad that I look to lfad forum for emotional support rather than my SO of three years.
It is sad that he wants me to open up to him sexually, financially, or domestically, but never emotionally.
Does he feel like he has control and power when he treats me this way?
He always tells me to think logically. So let's do that, and please correct me if I'm wrong...
He hate that I have emotions, that I feel anything, or that I cry. That means he hates a part of me. He can't accept me for who I am. His comfort (avoiding my emotions) is more important to him than to support me. Most of my tears, pain, and emotional moments come due to situations like this, situations that involve him. Sounds like the solution would be to love each other through situations rather than push me away. Learn to accept me for who I am.

[TheSteelAngel]

Wow he sounds like what I like to call a narcissistic ninny. He doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. If he's been doing nothing but acting this way around you while you got back together then I really don't know what to say. You really deserve someone better than this because what he did to you when he left was a real jerky move. Make sure you two have a talk about what happened.

[snow]

What was the misunderstanding about and did you guys talk it over?

[twentynine11]

He won't talk about it with me. I tried to call him three times to talk it over, all of which he gave me an excuse to get off the phone and finally told me to "drop it". He is completely shut off to me emotionally. He is a brick wall. I am like the plague to him if I feel anything or cry.

The misunderstanding in a nut shell...
Before trying to initiate intimacy with him, I stared at the ceiling and composed myself so that I wouldn't cry during the act. I was emotional 1) because he was leaving in four hours. 2) because he had bought liquor for me. We all know alcohol doesn't help emotions. I was aware that the alcohol could have been contributing to my emotions so that's why I wanted to compose myself first. I truly had good intentions. I did this quietly and quietly began my interaction with him. He said, "loose the attitude or get off of me". I repeatedly told him I did not have an attitude (because he doesn't like for me to open up emotionally and he didn't know what was going on in my thoughts, he misunderstood it to be and "attitude").
At that point, I was frustrated and knew that intimacy wasn't going to be how I wanted it to be at that moment. Instead, I laid down and told him, "you don't love me, you pick and choose what you love about me, but when it comes to my emotions or how I feel, you couldn't care any less". He shut down completely, rolled over, and went to sleep. I cried.
Then the drama happened this morning. He looked me in my eyes, pain and all, and blatantly disregarded my feelings. In my attempt to make things better and asking him to make love to me this morning so that we could just move past the petty fight, he denied me. Refused.

[TheSteelAngel]

He won't talk about it with me. I tried to call him three times to talk it over, all of which he gave me an excuse to get off the phone and finally told me to "drop it". He is completely shut off to me emotionally. He is a brick wall. I am like the plague to him if I feel anything or cry.

The misunderstanding in a nut shell...
Before trying to initiate intimacy with him, I stared at the ceiling and composed myself so that I wouldn't cry during the act. I was emotional 1) because he was leaving in four hours. 2) because he had bought liquor for me. We all know alcohol doesn't help emotions. I was aware that the alcohol could have been contributing to my emotions so that's why I wanted to compose myself first. I truly had good intentions. I did this quietly and quietly began my interaction with him. He said, "loose the attitude or get off of me". I repeatedly told him I did not have an attitude (because he doesn't like for me to open up emotionally and he didn't know what was going on in my thoughts, he misunderstood it to be and "attitude").
At that point, I was frustrated and knew that intimacy wasn't going to be how I wanted it to be at that moment. Instead, I laid down and told him, "you don't love me, you pick and choose what you love about me, but when it comes to my emotions or how I feel, you couldn't care any less". He shut down completely, rolled over, and went to sleep. I cried.
Then the drama happened this morning. He looked me in my eyes, pain and all, and blatantly disregarded my feelings. In my attempt to make things better and asking him to make love to me this morning so that we could just move past the petty fight, he denied me. Refused.

What happened here is not your fault. It's all on him that he can't handle your emotions. He was being a real jerk to you. What really got me angry was when he said "loose the attitude". That is completely unacceptable. I would never EVER let my SO talk to me like that. If this were me I'd tell him "If you can't accept my emotions then you don't accept me. My emotions are what I am and I'm tired of always being on my toes around you. I want someone who will accept all of me including my emotions. If you can't handle my emotional self then just leave now." I'm not saying that you should say this, but keep it into consideration. Don't settle for someone who just makes you cry all the time and makes you try to shut yourself down, only because he can't handle a bit of water works. I really feel for you and it frustrates me that your SO is treating you like this.

[differentcountries]

We have had some of the same issues. It can be really hard for people who are overtly emotional and people who bottle up to understand one another. But I read somewhere that often people bottle up to protect themselves. That is the attitude I take with SO. I tell him he is hurt. I reach out to him. It helps for us.

[twentynine11]

You should all contact your SO RIGHT NOW for me! Tell them that you love them and you are grateful that they love you!
Never give him/her a reason to doubt your love! This is heartbreaking.
Humble yourself and know when you are wrong if you are wrong.

TheSteelAngel, your post brought me to tears. The very first sentence was exactly what I needed to hear. Everything is always my fault. He has always been too prideful and will probably remain that way in this situation. He will not say he was wrong or feel the need to apologize.

I am so hurt. I don't want to hurt him back, I'm not angry at him, I'm just hurt. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to pretend that I'm not hurt or just "drop it". That isn't fair. I still haven't heard from him. I called him earlier to make sure he arrived safely. The conversation to that point and then over. I want to hear from him later after work, I will be tempted to call him when I get off. But that's what he expects. Things have to change.
This morning I looked straight in his eyes, dried my tears, and said, "You will never know this side of me again. My emotions and feelings will be kept from you from this point on. I will NEVER allow you to hurt me this way again. You do not have power over me anymore. You will never see me cry again. A part of me will forever be hidden from you." I said that out of hurt, but really, what other option has he given me?
At that point, I kissed him and walked back into my house. He got in his car and left. Never said a word, never hugged me, and didn't kiss me back.

[differentcountries]

It is sad that he wants me to open up to him sexually, financially, or domestically, but never emotionally.
Does he feel like he has control and power when he treats me this way?
He always tells me to think logically. So let's do that, and please correct me if I'm wrong...
He hate that I have emotions, that I feel anything, or that I cry.

SO used to tell me a lot that I should not cry, or be overtly emotional. We have really struggled with this. He even went asking his mum "if girls are like that" (she said yes and that she cries too). I often take the attitute that what he says is just crap...haha, but I know relationships, this is my 3rd serious relationship and the 20th time I fall in love in a serious way. He has never been in a relationship before, never loved before. So I often take the attitute that I have to teach him. I teach him to open up more, to his own feelings and mine. But I also have to understand and respect how he is, and that we differ when it comes to these things, in personality and upbringing. It helps that I have met his family and know what they are like (they are very tough people and they have experienced the loss of two family members during the last decade), and also that I know his culture. I have also gotten very good at spotting his micro expressions, so that if he appears bottled up I can often spot if he is really angry, sad or confused. He is not good at seeing his own emotions,but I try to teah him: "Right now, you seem sad" etc. Slowly he is becoming better at putting some words to his emotions.

I am quite sure that if I started to cry right before we were about to have sex, SO would not deal with it well. He would take it as me critisizing him, or as me not appreciating the moment and making him sad. We have actually fought over the issue of pre-leaving tears/sadness several times.Last time that happened, we mad a deal, as we say.The deal we made was that I should try to not cry, engage with him in practical tasks and tell him straight how I feel - him on the other hand shall try to remember that I am just overwealmed, and he will ask me if I need a hug and give me one. It is very important for me to feel that he is reaching out to me, and very important that I give him a "task" that he feels comfortable doing, so that he doesn't feel helpless when seeing my (to him, a bit scary) emotional display.

I can understand that it is tempting to bottle up as well,but I would advice against it. You are really just putting a comflict in a box and locking it .It is not going to go away. You have these differences. Saying "A part of me is forever hidden from you" sounds like you are de facto breaking up with him. So I can understand why he was hurt, too. You felt rejected,so you said words to reject him. That is not going to reconcile you.

[Redheart14]

I'm sorry but you deserve better than this. Emotions and displaying them are a huge part of a relationship. He is abusing you emotionally, this is not acceptable. If you continue to allow him to get away with this he will think this type of behaviour is acceptable. Seems from your posts, you're the one doing all the initiating anyway. Dealing with emotions is complicated and what makes us human. The fact he's deliberately toying with yours to cause you pain is not a trait you want in a SO. I'm assuming you still haven't heard from him now? The fact he wants you to "drop it" to me says he has no intention of apologising and doesn't see anything wrong with how he treated you. You deserve better.

[twentynine11]

Saying "A part of me is forever hidden from you" sounds like you are de facto breaking up with him. So I can understand why he was hurt, too. You felt rejected,so you said words to reject him. That is not going to reconcile you.

It is awesome that your SO is willing to try and understand you. However, mine isn't like that. He shuts me down as soon as it begins. That's why I said what I said. I thought it was what he wanted. On the other hand, it was my way of "punishing" him in a sense, but giving him what he ultimately wants.

[twentynine11]

I'm assuming you still haven't heard from him now? The fact he wants you to "drop it" to me says he has no intention of apologising and doesn't see anything wrong with how he treated you. You deserve better.

You would be correct in your assumption. I haven't heard from him. Not in a text, phone call, gchat, email, nothing. I can't even stand it, and he probably knows that. You are right, he has no intention of apologizing. This is all my fault in his eyes. I want to talk to him about this, I want to explain that he has to be open about dealing with my emotions, I want to get past this and work on it together... but I'm scared to talk to him. I'm scared that he will get mad, I'm scared that he will shut me down again, I'm scared of facing more pain and cruelty.
It's taking all that I have in me not to call him and just try though.

Another thing I have come to realize...
You know some girls will try to change their hair if a guy tells them they don't like it? Eventually, she starts to despise having natural blonde hair instead the brunette that he prefers. This is a silly example, but it's the same concept...
He has made me hate that I cry, hate that I feel, hate that I have emotions. His disdain for this part of me has made me hate this part of myself rather than accepting me for me. This is where my confidence has gone. I used to be so strong.