How to progress relationship

[QueenD]

Hi all,

My SO and I are in a new LDR. We have known each other for a few years (and have lived 1000 miles apart the whole time.) Our friendship developed over a few years in which he visited my town a few times a year to see friends/family, and the relationship turned into more than friends around Christmas when he was visiting and decided shortly after that this is in fact an exclusive romantic relationship. I have been able to visit him once, in early February, and am tentatively planning another trip in early April.

Both J and I lead very busy lives, but so far have managed to text daily and talk on the phone around 3-4 times per week for anywhere between 20 minutes and over an hour. We tend to talk about what we did that day or what we are looking forward to that week, and now that I'm starting to know a few of his friends a bit that gives us more to talk about. For the most part our conversations are great, and get along pretty well.

The thing I need advice on is this: in any significant relationship, there are a lot of important discussions to have to get to know each other deeply, determine compatibility, and figure out if the relationship can go the distance. I am struggling with how to start introducing some discussions like this into our relationship when we are apart. Toward the end of our first visit, we started this a bit, but I personally have trouble right now trying to raise such topics when we are apart because we don't get to spend that much time interacting and I don't want this to devolve into a situation where someone is pressing big discussions about "the relationship" every stinking time we are on the phone, because it is also very important to just enjoy talking to each other and sharing about day to day life.

I am particularly interested in being sensitive on this fo largely because he got out of a serious relationship a few months ago and it would be foolish of me to push to hard early on if I want to develop a lasting relationship with him, which at this point I'm thinking I do. I just don't want to be in a mode where it seems like the only time we really get to discuss this stuff is when we are together a few times a year.

Other facts - we are 41 and 47, and both almost a bit like Luddites. We are not currently much in for using Skype or other video chat at this point, and we are definitely not phone/skype sex type people.

Advice appreciated!

[differentcountries]

You may do one of the Questions for lovers list.

[sasad]

I'm pretty much refuse to use Skype when I first went long distance with my SO. I was afraid to death of it... Now we skype every night... There is so much you can do by phone or text but to me it's so much better to be able to see the reactions of people when you're talking to them. That being said, start with the questions for couples ,link is on this website, and progress from there. It may be a month or so but maybe you can have a Skype date were you both sit down and talk while eating dinner or watching a movie and discussing it afterwards. Just try to be open about communication. It does seem to come easier as you grow closer

[Chris516]

There are several ways to 'see' each other.

1. Skype
2. Yahoo Messenger
3. Facebook

There are probably others I haven't mentioned.

[Elizabeth123]

Google hangout....very reliable and free...much better than Skype

[Honour]

Oovoo is like Skype, I never used it but some people swear by it.

[Miasmata]

For voice/text stuff, I tried Discord recently and it's very nice and reliable.

[hmrambling]

I see that you said he just got out of a relationship, so you don't want to push too hard too fast. I encourage you to continue to take it slow. You've already said that you're not open to Skype, so I wouldn't push Skype. I'm 40 and my SO is 41. We don't Skype. We call each other and check in at night. We talk about our day, our interests, concerns, views on politics, spirituality, pretty much anything that is on our minds. We took time to get to know each other. We don't text all day long. We greet each other in the morning by text, though.

Every couple has their own pace. It sounds like the progression of yours is naturally slow, and that you don't want to rush things, so don't. The more you learn, and the more open and honest the two of you become, the more you'll want to share. Let it grow organically. If you are attracted to him, be direct and honest so that he knows what your intentions are and there isn't any confusion about that. Clear, honest, direct communication goes a long way in growing a relationship.

[sasad]

I think physical distance dictates a lot when you are in a LDR and what you do. Its easier if you can actually meet up more often then not as you get the vibes etc from the other person.. I think you are only about 50 miles apart hmrambling? Just curious if people who are closer, and see each other more don't use the apps as much?
I did notice I do use Skype a TON more then we did. We like it as its the best we can do without being there.. that and we are both technical and know our way around computer/inet issues

[hmrambling]

sasad,

My previous LDR was 1300 miles and we failed miserably at Skype. She had a terrible internet connection and was easily frustrated with technology. In the end, neither of us put much effort into Skype or Facetime or anything like that. It really depends on the couple.

Yes, I am currently 50 miles from my SO. I'm certain that it makes a difference that we're 50 miles. Yesterday, I talked to a couple f2f who Skype even though they are 80 miles away. I told them that my SO and I don't Skype, and that that we never have. We do use the Couple app, though.... albeit usually less than a couple of times a week.

All of the technology really depends on the couple. Every couple has their own progression. If OP isn't into Skype, then I wouldn't push Skype. For some, it is really frustrating. I understand what it means to feel like a luddite at times.

[80anthea]

The only one we seem to have a reliable connection with is Viber. We like it as you can text, phone, video, send photos and videos all in one.

[QueenD]

Thanks so much to everyone for your responses. I really appreciate the responses that remind me what expectations might be reasonable and also give some ideas. One of the biggest helps was the reminder that it's totally ok and reasonable to go pretty slow with things, and also to take a moment and give some space from time to time. That's really hard for me because it has been quite a long time since I was in a relationship so I am more ready for so,etching new than he is. I've been feeling a little insecure because I need to hear from my person quite frequently, but he is extremely busy with work and two side projects so we have talked less the last 7-10 days than we normally do. He is prepping for the opening event for a small business he is helping launch right now so I am trying to give him the room to do that and just focus more on my own things and reminding myself that if I'm playing the long game, patience is important.

I also appreciate the links to some of the questions for lovers lists. I love the idea of incorporating these in, since there are so many things to learn about a new person!

[QueenD]

Just had another quick update. I got to talk to my love for over an hour tonight. We had great conversation about our days, as well as a discussion about a political/economic topic from a Facebook discussion we were involved in tonight and also talked about expectations for communication via text and phone. It was awesome.

[Chris516]

Just had another quick update. I got to talk to my love for over an hour tonight. We had great conversation about our days, as well as a discussion about a political/economic topic from a Facebook discussion we were involved in tonight and also talked about expectations for communication via text and phone. It was awesome.

That is great news!!!!