Relationship falling apart??

[COgrl789]

So my bf is unemployed and has been working different temp jobs. At this time he lives with his mom, since he can't afford to live anywhere else. I understand that all cause its a rough economy.

Just to give you a background of how our relationship progressed, we met in the same state and when he left he IMed me everyday and we would talk for hours. We did this for like 8 months before he stopped and I stopped seeing him log on online. So we texted and emailed and he would always reply or send them. Then i would email things to him and he just stopped responding to that, so i stopped sending them to him. (Of course we talk on the phone too). So i didn't make a huge deal about it, but i just felt things were going south. I brought it up to him, and he tells me that he will try to work with his communication and asked what I want to do to help with our relationship. I brought up the idea of trying to see each other more often like once a month or something. He agreed to do so. I call back to figure out a date and he just doesn't seem to care much. We set a date and when I'm trying to buy the tix i wanted to know what was the best time to get there. Well, he starts to tell me that he doesn't know where I can stay since his bro was now moving back in. This obviously pissed me off! Especially, since this was something we agreed on. So we talked about it and he said "well, how about sometime at the end of the month." I told him fine. Of course, a few weeks into that month his grandma got really sick. So now I knew I could not bring that up. A month passed and she passed away, he was really upset for a few days and I knew he would be a bit distant then. Then he calls to see how things are going few days later. He calls and just talks, nothing really big just telling me whats going on and stuff.

I text him something and he never responds. So i just dismiss it, thinking that its unusual but whatever. I text him on another day and again nothing. He does call me and tells me that he got a client and he's trying to get things ready for them and that he will probably unavailable on saturday to talk cause he will be doing that. I guess things changed and he didn't tell me and he was going to a baseball game with some friends. Not that i mind that I kinda wish he could have let me know.

And this is the short version of this. haha...sorry.

But in general, I just feel like i'm there for his convenience. We talked about the communication problem couple times before and I don't want to bring that up anymore. I wanted to bring things up again but his grandma passed away. And I felt that I couldn't bring things up. Now I feel like we won't be seeing each other anytime soon and its seems like he doesn't seem to care if we don't. And like before I have a feeling he's just gonna have an excuse not to see each other (I don't have money, I feel bad if you spend money, there no place for you to stay...etc). So i dunno what I should do at this point. I dunno how to bring this up anymore.

Any suggestions? Advice?

[Darth_Taco]

It sounds more like he's just very depressed. Just look at his situation, wouldn't you be? Well, maybe you might, I don't know your situation. If he's not use to having these many problems, he could be having trouble adjusting to the changes. It might not be that you're there for his convenience, it sounds more like he's ashamed of showing you his situation. I'm not sure about that either, since this is just from what you say about him, which you admit is the short version.

My advice? Calmly ask him "Why don't you want me to see you?" Best to ask it that way too since its sounds less like an accusation. Don't raise your voice (unless he turns out to be a douche), and just let him know you only want an explanation. Let him know how much you miss him, tell him you want an honest answer. Careful how you word things. You don't wanna sound like you're on the attack since it tends to be harder to get answers from people that way.

[LadyMarchHare]

Darth may be right. With things heading south for him situationally like that, it definitely could affect his mood to the point where he doesn't communicate. I know personally when I'm depressed I like avoiding people and most of the time not even showing I've cried because the pity can be worse than getting no sympathy at all. If it isn't that, you need to find out and that only comes through being direct and asking questions about why communication has dwindled, why you can't seem to set definite visit plans, etc. But again, as Darth said, you need to make it the least accusatory as possible since chances are he can't help it or he may not even be aware. Even if that's not the case, playing the blame game gets you nowhere fast. I know it's frustrating when you have no idea what's going on, it's why communication is so important, but he has a side to this story too and you don't need to be placing blame with any party until you hear it, not that you are, I'm simply saying it's better to get the full monty of the situation before assuming something.

[COgrl789]

Yea, I think you both have a point there. He has been better at calling me but nothing too deep. And his bro doesn't have a job either and when I asked how he was doing on that he hesitated before answering me... It has been a little over a week ago since his grandma passed away, now the question is when's the best time to bring the discussion up?

I guess talking to his friend's is less stressful then talking to me...

[Zephii]

Darth, that's damn good advice there

I think you might be right, talking to his friends is less stressful than talking to you, and I think you need to think about why. Perhaps you're simply pushing him too hard right now. I think that he does sound depressed and that perhaps you're putting too much pressure on him. If he was at all close to his granny it's going to take a lot longer than a week for him to get past it, and for some reason being jobless really affects some people. Perhaps stop bringing up topics that are difficult. When he wants to talk to you about them, he will. For now, why don't you focus on making your conversations a bit more fun, try to distract him from the bad things rather than expecting him to confront them all the time.
As for a visit, can you get intouch with his mom and say "I want to visit and comfort him because of granny's passing, and I think it'd be a nice surprise - can I crash on the couch or a nice bit of floor?" Seriously, you don't need your own room if you can't stay in his, I'm sure they can make a little space for you somewhere. Show her you care about him and that'll go a long way.
And if he moans about not being able to pay tell him that when you have kids, he'll support you through maternity leave so this is just fair :P

[LadyMarchHare]

Well this is just me, but talking to friends is always less stressful regardless of how long you've known them because they're friends. They're meant to help you with the brunt of your own personal hell and a lot of people view a relationship as much more and therefore feel showing weakness or complaining/grieving in front of their SO as a bad thing, hence turning to friends for the advice and shoulders instead. Friends love you, but not in a way that has them smashing mountains to make you happy again like someone who romantically loves you might. It's intimidating sometimes.

[Darth_Taco]

See what you're doing there? You're taking it personally. Most guys aren't going to think about who's easiest to talk to, they're more likely to think "Ok, who's less likely to give me shit or post this crap on twitter/facebook/myspace." Trust me, unless he's planning to propose or leave you in the near future, he's probably not thinking as deeply as you are. What makes you think he's telling his friends anymore than he's telling you anyway? Most likely, this is a mater of geographic. They're right there to take him to a baseball game, you're not. I can almost guarantee you that if you were there physically close, he'd be going to you before going to them. You're the woman he loves, why wouldn't he? The person he's most likely having deep conversations with is his brother, who has also recent loss his job and the same grandma.

Now, as to why he won't open up to you more. How many guys do you see who are completely ok with being vulnerable around the woman they love? Men are taught to be tough. The phrase is "man it out" for a reason. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to talk to you, most likely he doesn't think he's suppose to. The best way to get him to talk is just by asking questions like "Do you wanna talk about what's been going on with your life?" If he says no, don't worry about it. Maybe what he needs best now is to not talk about it and to just be distracted until he's ready to face things. Remember, his most recent tragedy was only a little over a week ago. Just remind him that you're always there to talk to, and remind him of that regularly. That might be the encouragement he needs to open up.

[COgrl789]

Hmm...so you guys don't think I should mention anything for awhile? Just keep the conversations light?

And yea, I agree with Lady on the fact about friends. It does seem easier to me to talk to them about stuff. But it is different because they are not your SO...oddly enough...haha

Well, I haven't really said anything heavy to him for awhile. I just let him tell me what's going on and stuff like that. When his grandma passed away, he did call me once and was crying about it.

What makes this guy really difficult at times is he's very shy about certain things. He really keeps his feelings to himself. He may have told a friend or two about it but other then that I really dunno...

[COgrl789]

Yea, you do have a point. I may be over reacting a little bit. I mean he does call me, or at least try everyday. So i guess that does mean something.

[Karringtyn]

He has been handed a LOT lately...Honestly if it were me..I would keep convo light...and just remind him you are there for him...don't add anymore stress... Relationships go through rough patches...it will all smooth out...just take one day at a time...

[COgrl789]

It just feels like, our relationship has been down hill for months now. And I have a friend on the side telling me that he is treating me like shit. At this point i feel like he's just going through the motions...

I understand that he's going through a lot but it doesn't make it any easier on me either.

[LadyMarchHare]

Then find your own way to get it off your chest. Invest in your friends, do something positive for yourself. If his stress is stressing you out, then limit contact with him for a bit until he either feels better or gets help if it's needed. As for the friend, get a second opinion. I had a friend badmouth my guy and it was strictly out of jealousy and not any sort of fact. He's having issues and you're taking them in as your own and applying the grief and lethargic behavior where it doesn't need to go, which is probably why you're feeling so bad.

Like Darth said, guys are programmed differently and therefore react differently than women do. He's going to work it out how he feels is best but you can assure him you're there for him and just tread lightly. If you honest to God believe it's more and it's the relationship, look into a counselor for professional advice on that front and schedule times to talk it out with your SO. Try making a list of what's changed and WHEN they changed, make a timeline and see if it all falls under after the shit began hitting the fan or not.

[COgrl789]

You right Lady. Thanks! I need to find another venue to keep my mind busy somewhere else. I think I will give him his time and just do what I want to do till he gets things to together on his side.

[paulawriteslove]

It sounds more like he's just very depressed. Just look at his situation, wouldn't you be? Well, maybe you might, I don't know your situation. If he's not use to having these many problems, he could be having trouble adjusting to the changes. It might not be that you're there for his convenience, it sounds more like he's ashamed of showing you his situation. I'm not sure about that either, since this is just from what you say about him, which you admit is the short version.

My advice? Calmly ask him "Why don't you want me to see you?" Best to ask it that way too since its sounds less like an accusation. Don't raise your voice (unless he turns out to be a douche), and just let him know you only want an explanation. Let him know how much you miss him, tell him you want an honest answer. Careful how you word things. You don't wanna sound like you're on the attack since it tends to be harder to get answers from people that way.

I completely agree with this. I think that you should ask him calmly is everything is okay with him. Don't turn anything into a fight! Stay calm and be there for him

[COgrl789]

Yea, very true. I guess he needs to figure out what he wants in his life...