Can a year 'break' in a ldr work?

[Pinkxoxoxo]

I need some advice!

I have been dating a guy for around 9 months as we go to the same Uni in the UK together, and I truly love him. We get on so well, rarely argue and spend a lot of time together. All our friends say we're like the perfect couple and I began to start imagining my future with this guy. His family is from Europe so I knew that during holidays I probably wouldn't see him, but this has been fine as its only ever been for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. However the next school year he is going to study in Australia, just for one year. We mutually decided to have a 'break' for a year and see what happens when he came back. However the day after we said goodbye he called me and said he can't be without me for the summer so I should go and visit him in Europe. I went to spend a few days with him, met all his family who were wonderful and in the back of my mind I thought maybe he wanted to try long distance. However when we said goodbye again he still thinks a break is the best thing for us. I'm now back home and utterly heartbroken. I don't know what to do without him and the thought of going back to school without him there is filling me with dread. He said he didn't want to hold me back and if I met someone else I shouldn't not see them just because of him, but I'm also a bit confused - why introduce me to his family (a big deal) if he knows we're going to break up? Does this mean he'll definitely want to get back together in a year? I guess I'm asking has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm trying to look at this rationally - I know our relationship wouldn't work long distance as I would see him maximum for twice in the year. How do I get over this guy when in the back of my mind I know he's coming back in a year and I will want to get back with him?! And what if he comes back and doesn't want to get back together. Help!

[Mims27]

How do you know for sure that your relationship wont work if it's Long Distance? This group is based on LDRs. Yes, some haven't worked but A LOT have. My was LDR for 5 years and we are now living together and married. It CAN work. If you want to be together then you should definitely give it a shot. What have you got to lose? Two visits during that year really isn't that bad. We have people on here who haven't seen each other in 2+ years. You would be surprised how fast a year can go... Don't let that stop you from being with the one you love.

[R&R]

It sounds like he really thinks this break will be best and is okay with it if you meet someone else. To me, that says he also wants the freedom to date while he is away and have experiences without the tie-down of a relationship.

LDR's can work if both parties want it to. I haven't seen my SO in a year and we are just fine. Two people can make it work if they both want it. However, it seems he doesn't want to do that.

I wouldn't suggest waiting for him for the year. Live your life and date if you want. If you don't want to, then don't. But as he said, don't hold off doing that waiting for him. If after a year you are both single and want to give it another go, then fine. Just don't waste a year of your life waiting for soemthing that may or may not happen.

[C.C.]

However the day after we said goodbye he called me and said he can't be without me for the summer so I should go and visit him in Europe. I went to spend a few days with him, met all his family who were wonderful and in the back of my mind I thought maybe he wanted to try long distance.

I seriously don't understand the purpose of this behaviour.

[Pinkxoxoxo]

Thanks for the advice R&R. I totally agree with what you're saying and I don't want to waste a year of my life, I'm only in my early twenties. Having said that, i can't help but think is one year worth of pain (being apart) worth it for possibly a life time of happiness when he returns? Or should I just forget him and see what will be will be!

[Pinkxoxoxo]

I seriously don't understand the purpose of this behaviour.

Me neither - and now I'm almost angry at myself for going as its made everything so much harder. Do you think this means he definitely sees a future in our relationship when he returns?

[C.C.]

Me neither - and now I'm almost angry at myself for going as its made everything so much harder. Do you think this means he definitely sees a future in our relationship when he returns?

I don't really think so. Though dunno how well I can actually judge that. I don't know what's his reasoning behind it is or what he feels. But even after that he is saying that he wants a break and for you to not hold yourself from seeing anyone, so, I guess that's what his intention is for now.

Maybe you ask him about that particular behaviour, like maybe ask him why did he do something that'd make things worse before going on a break.

[R&R]

Thanks for the advice R&R. I totally agree with what you're saying and I don't want to waste a year of my life, I'm only in my early twenties. Having said that, i can't help but think is one year worth of pain (being apart) worth it for possibly a life time of happiness when he returns? Or should I just forget him and see what will be will be!

It's your choice if you want to wait. Because he has made it clear that he doesn't want to have an LDR and he is okay with you dating, I would go ahead and continue with your life. If the two of you were in it together to be in an LDR, it would be worth the being apart.......but he has made other plans for himself and you are now single to do what you want.

[Ell]

I went through something similar! So I'm going to give you advice based from what you have said and my own experiences with a very similar situation in my past...

The decision that was made seems, by the sounds of it, that it was largely laid down by him, due to the fact you went through all the effort of meeting his family in the hope he maybe would try long distance. If you're able to imagine a future with him and he is wanting to go on a break so he can enjoy Australia then it shows that the priorities individually are very different, so this year apart may be the best thing! You need to use this year to bond with your friends even more, enjoy life, enjoy uni and if a new guy just so happens to come along then give it a chance and see what happens. My main concern is that I don't want you getting even more hurt, so of course continue to talk to him if you want to but try not to rely on him to keep you happy, as it will only hold you back from meeting someone that may be better for you!

Use this year to grow and develop as a person, focus on yourself and do exactly what you want to do, don't think too hardly about your future romantically and it will fall into place, trust me on that!!

[differentcountries]

I am totally opposed to breaks and think they are the worst for the relationship - they suggest that both are free to do what they want and not be responsible for each other, yet are somehow expected to return to each other from this half together-not together zone.

If he wants to BREAK UP with you, he is free to do so, but he cant expect that you will have limited your fun to whatever he would appove of when he returns (after his fun). You might be in a different place entirely, both mentally, physically and geographically. He will probably expect you to be not seriously dating, living in the same place, be the same person and eagerly await his return. But when you choose to go your different ways, even if there are feelings, they might change and the people involved may change a whole lot. You are not something he can freeze and reheat when he returns - you are a living person that he needs to either take care of , or forget.

[whatruckus]

In my experience, Breaks don't work. The problems are still there when you come back. My former SO put us on two breaks, notice how he's "former"? He broke up with me. I never understood the point of breaks. For me, it just seems like, "BRB I'm gonna go have my fun, but still kinda have you here for me when I'm done and get it out of my system for now." Also, it's especially pointless with the option of seeing other people. You might as well just break up. With my former SO, I just constantly felt like he just wanted to go out and meet other girls before he decided if he wanted to be with me or not, whether it's true or not. Either you want to be with me, or you don't. Don't put me in limbo and make feel like crap the entire time because I have no idea what's going on.

In your case, just go out and do you. Forget about him for a while, because he made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. I wouldn't wait around for him. Explore new things, make new friends. Maybe you'll find another guy who knows he wants to be with you.

[C.C.]

It was different in your case though, Whatruckus. That was a break because of issues. And this is a break because of the distance, and maybe the lack of commitment.

A SO of someone I know is moving in another country to live and they said they can't really last as a long distance couple, so that they'll be breaking up and get together IF they feel the same during summer breaks.

This is what a break like this means to me, well at least that's how OP is supposed to take it, I think: A break up that happens because of the distance and not because of the relationship issues, etc, but still A BREAK UP.

[whatruckus]

It was different in your case though, Whatruckus. That was a break because of issues. And this is a break because of the distance, and maybe the lack of commitment.

A SO of someone I know is moving in another country to live and they said they can't really last as a long distance couple, so that they'll be breaking up and get together IF they feel the same during summer breaks.

This is what a break like this means to me, well at least that's how OP is supposed to take it, I think: A break up that happens because of the distance and not because of the relationship issues, etc, but still A BREAK UP.

Even with my ex before my former SO, we took breaks because he lived 40 mins away (not even that big of a distance) and said he wasn't going to have time for me and wanted to meet someone closer. It was stupid. Also, OP is calling this a "break" and not a break up. Which, in my opinion, this seems more like a break up to me.

I still stand by my opinion that you shouldn't wait for him. Like R&R said, it doesn't seem like he wants to put the effort in to make a relationship work, and wants to be able to do whatever he wants while he's away without the hassle and responsibilities of being in a relationship.

[C.C.]

Also, OP is calling this a "break" and not a break up. Which, in my opinion, this seems more like a break up to me.

Oh, what I am also saying is that it is a break up, in this case. All I was saying is that a break cause of a distance in my eyes does equal a break up, but without blaming anyone involved but external factors, if this makes any sense.

I agree with R&R just as much~

And and.. your ex was awful

[whatruckus]

Oh, what I am also saying is that it is a break up, in this case. All I was saying is that a break cause of a distance in my eyes does equal a break up, but without blaming anyone involved but external factors, if this makes any sense.

I agree with R&R just as much~

And and.. your ex was awful

I seem to attract not-so-great guys it looks.