He hardly ever contacts me first...should it bother me?

[Jelly11]

I am nearly always the one who has to initiate conversations, be it through call or text. Every time I tell myself "wait until he contacts you now", but sometimes it gets to like four days and then I just cave and message him. Sometimes I wonder how long it would actually get to if I just left it. I just feel like I am the one making all the effort to talk to him.

Thing is, I don't really want to mention it to him, for the sole reason that I think it's quite an immature thing to get upset over, is it not? I don't know. It feels like something I would have gotten upset over when I was 16 (In fact I remember the whole, he never messages first "game"!), and I thought I was better than that now.

I guess I don't know if I should feel immature for this bothering me or not. He always accuses me of making problems where there aren't any, and maybe I'm doing it again, I dunno. We don't talk all that much as it is, which he knows bothers me but I'm slowly growing accustomed to. But a bit of balance in the small amount of contact would be nice.

[kittyxuchiha11]

Don't ever think that bringing up issues to your SO is immature. In healthy relationships when a problem arises you're supposed to talk about it, if anything you'd actual be being very mature bringing up the issue with him and trying to talk it out. I'd just say don't make a giant deal about it, just sort of mention to him that it would be nice if he sent you a message on his own accord and that getting a message from him first would make you feel more loved by him.

[Jelly11]

Don't ever think that bringing up issues to your SO is immature. In healthy relationships when a problem arises you're supposed to talk about it, if anything you'd actual be being very mature bringing up the issue with him and trying to talk it out. I'd just say don't make a giant deal about it, just sort of mention to him that it would be nice if he sent you a message on his own accord and that getting a message from him first would make you feel more loved by him.

Yeah, I know you're right, and I really should be able to talk to him but he is so bad with just listening to me instead of playing the victim so it always kinda scares me and I end up thinking I'm pushing him away.

No doubt I'll end up mentioning it though seeing as I feel it is unsustainable at the moment, due to the amount it is bothering me .

[differentcountries]

No, you are very patient. I would fly off the handle of SO did nothing to contact me in 4 whole days!

What is the reason that you usually make the first contact? Do you work less/different hours than him? Is he awaiting you initiative because that means you are free to talk? What are the circumstances?

Just say, love, if you initiate contact once in a while I feel like you care about me and think about me. Also, I dont want to feel responsible for sceduling our contact.

I have been upset before when SO has not contacted me in like 48 hours. The difference is, he is quite aware of that he is not initiating contact, and will give me excuses as to why it did not happen. I am however quite adament that I expect him to do a bit of the contact as well. It helps to be genuinly busy, so that he sometimes is the one waiting (I am not staging this or anything, but sometimes I work night or weekends and will be very busy, or there is a social event). I dont think it is healthy for one person to always be the one to initiate. Even if both want the contact, there is something about taking steps yourself that tells you "this is important. this person is important".

Another thing is, I hate getting sulked to. Anyone can be upset, sad, angry, confused, all those feelings are valid. But talk about them, dont sulk. And I raise issues that are imporant to me (and dont raise new issues all the time), the other person should listen. There may not be an easy solution, but it should be possible to talk about things that are on your mind.

I am not sure what you mean by "he is bad at listening at me". You have dated since April, so 2-3 months, really just the starting point. You need to train him to listen to you. He is probably not used to talking about feelings in this fashion, it can take some getting used to.

[R&R]

Yeah, I know you're right, and I really should be able to talk to him but he is so bad with just listening to me instead of playing the victim so it always kinda scares me and I end up thinking I'm pushing him away.

No doubt I'll end up mentioning it though seeing as I feel it is unsustainable at the moment, due to the amount it is bothering me .

Does he just play the victim when it comes to the two of you or is it about everything??

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I was all "okay, fine, life gets busy" until DC said that you two have only been dating a few months. WHAT. At this point he should be dying to talk to you still. Hell, even a few years in I'm still dying to talk to my SO. Definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that you need him to start communicating better and to help initiate that conversation. It isn't immature or needy, it's telling your SO what you need to have a successful relationship. When you talk to him don't be angry or hurt, just be straightforward and real about what you need. Then if down the line it is still happening, you have a right to be angry because you talked about it and asked him to fix it and it is still happening. 4+ days is ridiculous! When things were really good, my SO and I would talk multiple times a day. Now, even though we're currently on a "break" thing until I move there, we still are probably talking three times a week. You deserve more than that, let him know!

[Jelly11]

No, you are very patient. I would fly off the handle of SO did nothing to contact me in 4 whole days!

What is the reason that you usually make the first contact? Do you work less/different hours than him? Is he awaiting you initiative because that means you are free to talk? What are the circumstances?

Just say, love, if you initiate contact once in a while I feel like you care about me and think about me. Also, I dont want to feel responsible for sceduling our contact.

I have been upset before when SO has not contacted me in like 48 hours. The difference is, he is quite aware of that he is not initiating contact, and will give me excuses as to why it did not happen. I am however quite adament that I expect him to do a bit of the contact as well. It helps to be genuinly busy, so that he sometimes is the one waiting (I am not staging this or anything, but sometimes I work night or weekends and will be very busy, or there is a social event). I dont think it is healthy for one person to always be the one to initiate. Even if both want the contact, there is something about taking steps yourself that tells you "this is important. this person is important".

Another thing is, I hate getting sulked to. Anyone can be upset, sad, angry, confused, all those feelings are valid. But talk about them, dont sulk. And I raise issues that are imporant to me (and dont raise new issues all the time), the other person should listen. There may not be an easy solution, but it should be possible to talk about things that are on your mind.

I am not sure what you mean by "he is bad at listening at me". You have dated since April, so 2-3 months, really just the starting point. You need to train him to listen to you. He is probably not used to talking about feelings in this fashion, it can take some getting used to.

There's no specific reason meaning I contact first. He works a regular 8-4 job, like me, and there's one hour time difference.

You say your SO is aware he isn't contacting you, and mine is too! But he kind of thinks as long as he acknowledges it, it means he doesn't have to do anything. We had a huge argument about it about a month ago, where I brought it up and he said things like how as soon as his head is somewhere else I get angry and i just want attention etc etc, it was generally a really uncalled for argument and is a classic example of him turning it round on me and playing the victim whenever I try to talk to him.

Yeah he sulks a lot!

Does he just play the victim when it comes to the two of you or is it about everything??

Nah mostly just to do with us two, when I bring something up.

I was all "okay, fine, life gets busy" until DC said that you two have only been dating a few months. WHAT. At this point he should be dying to talk to you still. Hell, even a few years in I'm still dying to talk to my SO. Definitely talk to him about it. Tell him that you need him to start communicating better and to help initiate that conversation. It isn't immature or needy, it's telling your SO what you need to have a successful relationship. When you talk to him don't be angry or hurt, just be straightforward and real about what you need. Then if down the line it is still happening, you have a right to be angry because you talked about it and asked him to fix it and it is still happening. 4+ days is ridiculous! When things were really good, my SO and I would talk multiple times a day. Now, even though we're currently on a "break" thing until I move there, we still are probably talking three times a week. You deserve more than that, let him know!

My thoughts exactly! For the first six weeks he was clingy as hell as I found it suffocating, then he turned the complete opposite and has been like that since. I mentioned it to him ( because I was naturally paranoid he was going off me with such a sudden change) and he was really taken aback and was saying of course he's not going off me. So confusing.

I will talk to him though. I'm travelling round Asia at the moment on my own so I can't decide if he is being worse with contact than usual because he thinks busy or something but I might wait until I get back and just forget about it for now.

[R&R]

If someone can't take responsibility for their actions (or non-actions) in any type of relationship and always plays the victim - unless they can change, it's not somplace you want to be. My ex-husband was one of those. Everything that went wrong was my fault. And the more the relationship evolvled, I noticed that everything in his past that went wrong was someone else's fault; from his mother, to his step-father, his ex's, the insurance company, his previous job. If somone can't take responsibility, they will never change.

[differentcountries]

My SO was also super clingy the first 2 months. We would talk every day for at least 2 hours, plus contact during the day. He would knock on the bathroom door on my first visit to him to tell me he missed me while İ was taking a shower! Later, he turned totally the other way around and started to almost ignore me. This hurt and confused me at first, because our relationship was still new. I found out he was like this because he was studying (he is streetsmart, but not very booksmart and he had to study hard for his exams). Also, he had zero experience being in a relationship, I mean you dont have to be in contact with a friend every day. He is also very shy of conflict, and so he can appear very defensive when someone critisizes him. Even me at first.

All of this was something I learned to deal with in him, because I decided he was worth it. I critisize him a lot, but I make it feel like it is more love. It helps that he admires me so much though, and lets me be his teacher. We make up games for making compromises. In the begunning he was like omg here she talks about our feelings again, but after a while he started to see the point of it. He even holds me to it and raises issues on his own now.

It is important that you find patterns of communication that will work for you. It should def not be a one way street. But every relationship needs patience and adjustment time. The first 6 months are like a trial run. It has taken us these 3 years to get fully aquainted with one another.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

When you say that he used to be clingy and now he's the opposite, did you criticize him for being too clingy at one point (or honestly you don't even have to say it, sometimes it can just be felt)? I've had my SO get confused about what I wanted and completely flip the other way before, so maybe that's happening here too? He knew you were getting annoyed and so he completely backed off and now it's too far. If this could be, I strongly suggest just having a conversation with him explaining that you would like him to initiate the contact more. He won't know unless you tell him!

[MehMehMeh2013]

It is definitely not immature to communicate what is bothering you. When you are so far away from each other communication is a must, at least it is for you. Though I have very little LD experience, lack of communication is something to be concerned about, unless this happens once in awhile. I was dating a guy long distance for a short while, before he left we were texting all the time, phone convos the whole 9 yards. When he left, he rarely texted me 1st, the good morning/night texts were non existent (unless initiated by me) and although he said everything was fine, I eventually found out he didn't know if he wanted a relationship w/me. I have been bumped down from gf to "friends with potential". The immature action would be playing games. If he doesn't listen to your concerns, I would be very wary. Any change in behavior/not listening to a partners concerns spells potential problems in any relationship LD or not. I had problems w/a previous ex, when I brought up my doubts he dismissed them and reassured me. The relationship ended because no matter how hard I tried to fix the problems, they were un fixable due to my partner not being open to communication in a reasonable way.

[Jelly11]

Delayed reply - sorry! I am travelling atm.

I caved in again and sent him a message (since I'm solo travelling I get kinda lonely a lot!). He then gave me a call and we spoke for a while. I didn't mention anything, I wasn't in the mood. But it's always weird how happy he is on the phone. He always sounds so happy to speak to me and then we will go five days without even text again. I genuinely don't think he realises at all that he may be doing something wrong if we don't speak for that long. I speak to my mother about it a lot (lol) and she always tells me she thinks I have to get used to this being the way he is and that it doesn't mean he doesn't care. :-/

My SO was also super clingy the first 2 months. We would talk every day for at least 2 hours, plus contact during the day. He would knock on the bathroom door on my first visit to him to tell me he missed me while İ was taking a shower! Later, he turned totally the other way around and started to almost ignore me. This hurt and confused me at first, because our relationship was still new. I found out he was like this because he was studying (he is streetsmart, but not very booksmart and he had to study hard for his exams). Also, he had zero experience being in a relationship, I mean you dont have to be in contact with a friend every day. He is also very shy of conflict, and so he can appear very defensive when someone critisizes him. Even me at first.

All of this was something I learned to deal with in him, because I decided he was worth it. I critisize him a lot, but I make it feel like it is more love. It helps that he admires me so much though, and lets me be his teacher. We make up games for making compromises. In the begunning he was like omg here she talks about our feelings again, but after a while he started to see the point of it. He even holds me to it and raises issues on his own now.

It is important that you find patterns of communication that will work for you. It should def not be a one way street. But every relationship needs patience and adjustment time. The first 6 months are like a trial run. It has taken us these 3 years to get fully aquainted with one another.

Some similarities here. My SO doesn't have relationship experience either, so sometimes I think he is unsure what the difference is between friends and relationship (apart from the obvious!). You can go weeks without talking to a friend and it's no big deal. I don't think he is aware that the expectations are different. Interesting point for me to think about there...I've had a lot of relationship experience so I suppose I am the one thinking it should be obvious. He may need some guidance. :-P

When you say that he used to be clingy and now he's the opposite, did you criticize him for being too clingy at one point (or honestly you don't even have to say it, sometimes it can just be felt)? I've had my SO get confused about what I wanted and completely flip the other way before, so maybe that's happening here too? He knew you were getting annoyed and so he completely backed off and now it's too far. If this could be, I strongly suggest just having a conversation with him explaining that you would like him to initiate the contact more. He won't know unless you tell him!

I didn't criticise him as such...true be told I kinda liked it (I prefer that to the opposite). So I don't think he would have felt I didn't like it. He actually said once (about six weeks in) that he felt we spoke too much and it was excessive, but didn't blame me, he said it was taking over his life where he would be checking his phone all day at work and getting distracted. It's kinda been ever since then he went the total opposite way. I remember posting on here about it and people telling me it was fine that he thought that, and I agree, we don't have to speak EVERYDAY, but I dunno...a bit of consistency would be nice and I don't think that is excessive.

[Nhulam]

Wow, hi btw I'm super new to this community. I've read everything you guys posted on this thread and it's like looking at my own DR, especially you OP.

Side notes about my LD: He was soooo ....affectionate the first month too (I wouldn't say clingy because it was really sweet, I almost told him to stop as I felt a bit overwhelmed, but I'm glad I didn't). We've been together for like 11 months and skype called each other almost everynight, he usually called me first (I'd say 80% of the calls were his).

2 months ago he had this important final, he's studying in med field so I can imagine how stressful that was, I was cool about it as I expected it would end soon, I texted him like once every 2 days just to ask how he was and if he had eaten yet, no calls, and so it lasted for like a month. After that, still no often calls like before, he told me he was busy with his part time job since he he'd stopped working because of the exam and he had bills to pay. Sometimes I texted him or called him and there was no response I felt like he was ignoring me. I wanted to talk to him about this but everytime I got to talk to him on skype he was so sweet and he apologized for not replying my texts (but still continues doing it anyway).

Yea I understand how that feels, it's like you can't be mad at them but that bothers you so much, if he were an asshole on skype i'd have had a decent conversation about communication in DR, but yea, it's like a bittersweet thing, I was so happy when he called but it kinda solved nothing.

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OP if you plan to stop by Vietnam on your Asia trip I'd be glad to show you around C:

[Jelly11]

Wow, hi btw I'm super new to this community. I've read everything you guys posted on this thread and it's like looking at my own DR, especially you OP.

Side notes about my LD: He was soooo ....affectionate the first month too (I wouldn't say clingy because it was really sweet, I almost told him to stop as I felt a bit overwhelmed, but I'm glad I didn't). We've been together for like 11 months and skype called each other almost everynight, he usually called me first (I'd say 80% of the calls were his).

2 months ago he had this important final, he's studying in med field so I can imagine how stressful that was, I was cool about it as I expected it would end soon, I texted him like once every 2 days just to ask how he was and if he had eaten yet, no calls, and so it lasted for like a month. After that, still no often calls like before, he told me he was busy with his part time job since he he'd stopped working because of the exam and he had bills to pay. Sometimes I texted him or called him and there was no response I felt like he was ignoring me. I wanted to talk to him about this but everytime I got to talk to him on skype he was so sweet and he apologized for not replying my texts (but still continues doing it anyway).

Yea I understand how that feels, it's like you can't be mad at them but that bothers you so much, if he were an asshole on skype i'd have had a decent conversation about communication in DR, but yea, it's like a bittersweet thing, I was so happy when he called but it kinda solved nothing.

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OP if you plan to stop by Vietnam on your Asia trip I'd be glad to show you around C:

Hi. Thanks for the reply. It does sound super similar! Especially the part where they are so lovely when you actually talk to them, you don't really wanna ruin it by bringing things up.

Welcome to the community. I haven't been here long myself, but it's been a great source of advice and good to see how others deal with it.

Not stopping in Vietnam sadly. I'd love to go there though! :-)

[rache82]

I don't think it's immature at all; Sure, it's a valid concerr. as others have said, it's a discussion for your SO.
Best!