advice please - she is still living with him

[Phil]

We started our relationship a year ago and we both didnt plan it... She sleeps in another room and she says its over with them but she needs to stay there to sell the house and take care of her bills but the situation is he cant know about us so it doesnt cause trouble... So we cant do the things needed for a long distance relationship... Like I cant even talk to her when he is around or send her gifts

[R&R]

Never be the "secret". If it's really over, there should be no reason to hide you. I mean, is it over for her but he still thinks everything is fine? She is an adult. If the relationship with this other guy is over, then she needs to be an adult and do what needs to be done. Sell the house, take care of bills, whatever she needs to do. When she has done that, then she can contact you and you can then decide if you still want to try to make it work. Don't be the hidden side person, because that's what you currently are and a person deserves to be more than that.

Years ago, I met a guy locally. On our first date, he told me he was still living with her, they had 2 kids, nothing going on but staying together as everything was in their names jointly, etc. I told him flat out, if he wanted to date me, he had to move on and start divorce proceedings because if he really wasn't with her, then he needed to do what needed to be done. Within a couple of weeks, he had moved out and started divorce proceedings. We started dating. It didn't end up working for us, but he did get out of a relationship that should have ended a long time ago and he is now happily engaged to someone else.

[Phil]

Also she is in Sweden and me in the US... She has two kids with him and she said they were together for 20+ years... I asked her why now after that long and she said until me she didnt know she could be treated so well but the other day she showed me pictures of the vacation they went on... Looks like a nice romantic place... She said he doesnt even try anything anymore... I said "he took you there" she just said she chose to go there
We are supose to talk tonight about all this.. I dont like being a secret... I want a real relationship

[sasad]

wow... I kinda know sorta what she may be doing. I slept in a separate room from my ex. I didn't really cook, clean etc for him at all. I didn't go to movies, dinner anything like that that made us a couple. I did go to family events that involved the kids.
I did communicate to my spouse that I wasn't happy and I was going to leave if he didn't change. I didn't have the funds to leave, but I was working towards that and he knew it.
I didn't tell him about my SO cuz he wasn't that yet. I also did not want to have a big fight, get accused of adultery and lose my child so I followed those rules.

I don't get the vacation thing all the way. I do feel she is not being totally honest with you though....

[R&R]

Also she is in Sweden and me in the US... She has two kids with him and she said they were together for 20+ years... I asked her why now after that long and she said until me she didnt know she could be treated so well but the other day she showed me pictures of the vacation they went on... Looks like a nice romantic place... She said he doesnt even try anything anymore... I said "he took you there" she just said she chose to go there
We are supose to talk tonight about all this.. I dont like being a secret... I want a real relationship

So her husband has NO idea. She was going along in the relationship until you. Her husband is apparently still putting in the effort. I'm sorry, but she needs to get her life in order before she involves anyone else in her life. If she's unhappy and wants a divorce, she needs to do that. It may not be easy and it may take some time but if she truly no longer wants to be with him, she has to do something about it.

[Phil]

I talked to her earlier... Told her I cant do this and if someday she does leave him then we can talk about being together
It doesnt matter how much we love each other or trust... I will always have a problem with that situation so instead of staying and alway fight over this we should stop
I told her I will always love her... That will never change but we both know the situation is not fair to me or him
I told her I will always be here for her but untill her situation changes I cant do it
Is there anything I could have said or done differently?
It all has to do with her kids and being a father I understand her problem

[whatruckus]

I think you did the right thing. There's nothing you could've done or said that would've made her change and make the relationship work. If she wants to be with you and make it work, she'd have to get a divorce and end her marriage to her husband. Especially if she doesn't want to be with him anymore.

[sasad]

Nope... that was a great way to handle it.
Again, if she really wants to leave, she will. I am a parent and a step parent.. You shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids. They aren't stupid and the stress is worse on them if parents are not getting along...
I hope it works out for you!

[C.C.]

This thread is not really my place, but I still wanted to second this.

You shouldn't stay together for the sake of the kids. They aren't stupid and the stress is worse on them if parents are not getting along...

I am a child of divorced parents, they separated when I was pretty young child. And EVEN THEN, I was actually okay with it and preferred it to their constant arguments. It's not easy to have divorced parents but parents who don't get along is much much worse.

[whatruckus]

I agree with C.C. and sasad. Both of my parents are still married, and I hate it. They hate each other. Literally despise each other and can't wait for the other to drop dead. And, still live in the same house. I hear from my dad how much he hates my mom and hopes she dies soon, and I hear from my mom how much she hates my dad and other BS. It's really annoying. Even when I was 8 years old, I wished they would just divorce already.

[Chris516]

I talked to her earlier... Told her I cant do this and if someday she does leave him then we can talk about being together
It doesnt matter how much we love each other or trust... I will always have a problem with that situation so instead of staying and alway fight over this we should stop
I told her I will always love her... That will never change but we both know the situation is not fair to me or him
I told her I will always be here for her but untill her situation changes I cant do it
Is there anything I could have said or done differently?
It all has to do with her kids and being a father I understand her problem

No improvements' needed on how you said it.

[R&R]

I agree with everyone else. You did the right thing. It takes a strong person to step away from some situations. There was nothing for you to do any differently.

[Phil]

It still feels like someone died

[Phil]

I wanna remain friends... Other than the situation we were perfect

[sasad]

Nothing wrong with being friends, but please please do not stop living your life while waiting for her to decide....You are free to go out etc. she is not.