Ultimatums - sometimes necesssary or emotional abuse?

[Rezie]

I have posted a topic about my relationship where I vent about my feelings like a public diary. I was about to posti this there but then i figured that I can't be the only one with these feelings so I decided to go with it's own topic.

I don't like ultimatums. I think they are a form of control, unfair, borderline emotional abuse and just something that is not part of a relationship. Right now I just don't see another option.

A recap of my situation: We were suppose to close the distance, but he freaked out about living abroad once it was happening which then triggered a lot of insecurities in me and about our relationship. He decied to give it a try still but coudn't find the type of work he wanted within 3 months so he went back home. I have been sick of the distance for 2 years but he has comforted me about how he is moving here. I'm so over the LDR. I want us to be in the same country and have a close distance relationship and get to know eachother on that level. I can't do the distance anymore. I'm an anxious mess who cries every night when I think about how we still can't be together like others, spending time together without booking flights, just stopping by without it being a big deal. I have been very honest from the begining about where I want be and he has been the one saying he would like to come here. After the freakout we have talked and talked several times and we still don't have a solution. He is now again ready to relocate but he has good reasons to postbone it. I kinda think that he is lying to himself. I know that I can't do the distance thing anymore and I know my limitations about relocating to his country of which I've been honest about for the past 4 years. He has 1,5 months left on his contract after which he would be coming here again, but he doesn't like his job and is thinking of trying to find another contract. I kind of understand.

I want to say to him that he should suck it up in his current job and after the 1,5 months get his ass here and go on a couse or apply/get a job. Any job. While doing that any job he could look for more appropriate job...or else we break up. I do understand that it's unfair to require something like this from someone I love, but I don't know what to do. We have talked so much and now I need some action. I will try to get some answers from him without resorting to this option but I'm having trouble seeing anothe option currently.

I would like to hear your opinions about ultimatums, have you given or gotten any, how it turned out?

[R&R]

There is nothing wrong with setting an ultimatum if gets to the point of being necessary. In other words, it's not being used for every little thing to control a relationship. All ultimatum is saying is "This is the only way for XXXX situation to work for me any longer. If you agree, you will work with me. If you don't, then it's time for us to part ways." If you decide to use an ultimatum, make sure you are willing to follow through with it if it doesn't go your way.

I did use an ultimatum with my SO the first time we dated. He didn't make the first trip to see me, so when he promised a second trip, I told him if he didn't make it, we were over. I wasn't playing games with him. We'd been dating 6 months and only lived 1,000 miles apart, so plenty of time for us to meet and not really all that far apart. Well, he didn't show. I broke it off with him and we only spoke once in the next 18 months. We did end up reconciling, have now been back together 3 years, got married this month, and should be closing the distance next year.

[LisaS]

I don't like ultimatums either but if you decide to do it, make sure you are really ready to walk away if he doesn't agree to your conditions.

[ronjaandbirk]

I agree with the "be sure about it" point. I'm at a somewhat similar point where I really really do think it would be necessary but I know I couldn't walk away even if I should. Kinda miserable tbh, but hey, this isn't about me.
In general I think ultimatums are only okay if the partner 100% knew that we felt that strongly about something and then didn't take any action to make us feel better about it.

on another note, I can strongly relate to freaking out about relocating, especially when your career is on the line. I mean we spend most of our day at work, so not having a good work place does play a huge role in how comfortable we are, not even taking salary into account. Or differently: the wrong work can make you absolutely miserable. I think it's admirable that he wants to try even tho he is kind of freaking out about it. I honestly think that it's kind of easy to say "let's close the distance" when you are not the one moving and never even really had to consider doing so. I don't want to give you hell, but honestly since you always knew you are limited in that department, how much can you empathize in being in his shoes? But it sounds like you are quite aware of that..

Ah, I don't really know, I see your point and completely understand you but at the same time it feels a bit harsh, so I really don't have any wisdom to share. I think I'd be open and say something like "i have thought of an ultimatum, do you think this is fair or can we both do something to make me not feel this way?" just good luck!! I hope you find a solution, it sounds like you are a lovely couple otherwise.

[Chris516]

OP, I read the whole post twice.

You mentioned how your s/o freaked when you two were about to go CD. But then you said it triggered some of your own insecurities.

I get the feeling that you n' your s/o need to work on yourselves, first. Before you can go CD. Because, Being in LDR and bringing yourself to the point of feeling the need for making an ultimatum. What's to say that won't happen when you two are CD.

[Rezie]

Thanks guys. This community really is the best. I wish I had found this earlier.

ronjaandbirk: you can share if you want to 😊 I know it's a bit harsh but my head can't take ih much longer and thats why i have to be a selfish bitch about it. The whole being apart and not knowing if we ever close the distance is affecting my confidence and making me doubt my looks, abilities and desirebility. Im not an emotional person but I feel like crying all the time. Or alternatively I will find myself in a situation that when it does happen i cant actually give it a chance.

I'm not throwing 'move here' lightly. I've lived abroad and even temporarily it is scary. It has been almost 5 years from our first date and I've spend majority of my 20s with him without actually being with him. I can also undersrand the freakout but the way he handeled it wasnt cool. He decided to shut down and not talk to me, no touching, not leaving the apartment. Nothing until I forced him to talk. The whole time this has been on the talks I have asked all the difficult questions and he was fine until he wasn't.

I can also understand that work is important. Majority of people I know including me are in Ok jobs while looking for something good. With his job hunting style in this job market it can take years. It's hard to be employed when you live abroad. So I do think one of us has to give in or tell the other person our limitations so we can see if we can compromise or admit that this wasn't meant to be. I just don't think he is honest with himself.

Maybe next time we talk I say the fitst part without the threat of 'or else' and see how he reacts to my desire.

[Rezie]

OP, I read the whole post twice.

You mentioned how your s/o freaked when you two were about to go CD. But then you said it triggered some of your own insecurities.

I get the feeling that you n' your s/o need to work on yourselves, first. Before you can go CD. Because, Being in LDR and bringing yourself to the point of feeling the need for making an ultimatum. What's to say that won't happen when you two are CD.

You are right. I am working on myself. There was a concept of locked in in a study i read about quarterlife crisis that really made me think. I have talked with someone about this. I also told him about it and how lost I feel. He said that this is something we can work on together. I just don't know how I can work on myself on this department if he is this massive rock on my heart that I have to take into account without knowing what type of future is possible. Does that make sense ?

Of course him moving here doesn't mean happily ever after. But for me going CD would give me an opportunity to find out if we are good together. I feel like I've gotten everything I can from the long distance.

[Chris516]

You are right. I am working on myself. I read a study which gave me the perfect diagnosis. A quartelife crisis. There was a concept of locked in that really made me think. I have seen someone about this. I also told him about it and how lost I feel. He said that this is something we can work on together. I just don't know how I can work on myself on this department if he is this massive rock on my heart that I have to take into account without knowing what type of future is possible. Does that make sense ?

Of course him moving here doesn't mean happily ever after. But for me going CD would give me an opportunity to find out if we are good together. I feel like I've gotten everything I can from the long distance.

Working on those issues, doesn't mean, the relationship should end, or stall. It just means, focusing on what would be a 'collective' goal on your part. You would be working on a better 'you', for both you, and him. Working on 'you', doesn't mean you can't give yourself time to enjoy being 'you'. Part of enjoying being 'you', would be to show him how your 'you' has improved. That way you can relish the newer 'you', and he doesn't feel like he was 'left by the side of the road'. He should do the same thing.

My s/o sees' a psychiatrist, I see a psychologist. We still have time for each other. If you noticed my taglines(or whatever they are called). I am going to see her again in January, the week of her birthday. She asked me last night if the cost of the buffet restaurant for her birthday is too expensive. I told her, not in the least. Before Old Country Buffet went belly up this year. My (ex)fiance(Aug.'02-Jan.'07) n' used to go there a lot. My point in telling you that. Is that you can still enjoy each other, while working on yourself. Have you ever heard about something being 'a work in progress'? Life is also a work in progress.

[Rezie]

Chris, I'm Not planning on stopping on working on my self. I will continue to do that like i have my whole life. I do appreciate what you are saying. I also believe that inorder to develop the relationship and myself in the relationship I need the relationship to change and in our case it would be going CD. It's not a quick fix so that everything would be rainbows and butterflies if he would agree to move but it would give us a chance to see if we have a future. Ultimatum is a last resort if we can't find a solution by talking.

[differentcountries]

While disliking your job can sometimes be a real incentive to leave everything behind and just move, more often it does not help at all. Especially when moving abroad.

I am very tired of the distance, too, but I think that SO making the best for himself where he is ultimately the best ways for us to in time close the distance. For him to have a full job that he actually somewhat enjoys, it means that he is reasonably stable emotionally, he feels needed and appreciated, he can save up and pay his debts, because of the other stable things he will have energy for language studies etc. I first wanted him to come here 2-3 months so he could see what my country is like and possably get a job, but then I realized that time was better spent making sure he has a good life in his country. He used to work season, but now he has the uppertunity for a year round job. If later he is going to immigrate, the authorities in my country will see him as having "strong ties" to his own country and be less suspicious of his motives to move.

Everything in baby steps.

[Rezie]

I don't want him to move against his will. Obviously that won't help anyone. I do want the best for him and if for him it is to work in his country then so be it. Unfortunately it is not the best for me. I feel like I also have the right to wish for the best for myself. I personally can’t do the distance anymore unless I have a specific date when it will end. I also know that it is unfair to ask him to take a crappy job. But maybe that would motivate him to actually send out applications to decent jobs and actually experience dating in the same country. I’d rather send him Christmas card once a year and be single than live with this uncertainty of if he actually is ever ready to move here. If he would tell me he won’t move here then I would at least know my options. I’ve spoken about this with him for 2 years and he has been comforting me about how he will come over after a certain contract. Now we are 3 contracts later and not any closer than we were 2 or 5 years ago. The difference is that I’m not ok with this anymore. I need more than 3 day holiday every 6 weeks.

I also know that a lot of people are in even longer LDR and it’s working out great for them. I do also wish you all the best and appreciate how understanding you are of your SO working. I just know personally that if this “maybe someday if I…” goes much longer I can’t really give my all to the relationship which then will make both of us miserable. I already notice that I’m losing interest in communicating via phone or sharing things since I have the “well..he will never meet them anyway” mentality coming.

But has anyone else been similar situation. How did that work out? I'm personally going against the ultimatum part and would just tell him what I want him to do and then ask what he wants and what he would want me to do. I just wish that we would be in this together but it feels like the decision is on me. I think this almost 5 year old baby should be taking prober todler walking steps!

P.s. The weird thing is that when I say all of this out loud I get a sense of relief and I'm being all optimistic again and happy with the "someday". Stupid mind.

[R&R]

Everyone has a breaking point, LDR or CD. CD, maybe it's just moving in together or getting engaged. LDR, for most of us it's knowing when we'll close the distance. Yes, you do need to do what is best for you. If you aren't getting what you need out of this relationship and you don't see an end in sight, then you have every right to say enough is enough. Not every relationship can take years of separation and that's no surprise. Just make sure if you decide that you have a deadline and after that you are done, then stick with it. Best of luck.

[Rezie]

Thank you R and other peeps. This is wonderful place with great support 😊

[Chris516]

Chris, I'm Not planning on stopping on working on my self. I will continue to do that like i have my whole life. I do appreciate what you are saying. I also believe that inorder to develop the relationship and myself in the relationship I need the relationship to change and in our case it would be going CD. It's not a quick fix so that everything would be rainbows and butterflies if he would agree to move but it would give us a chance to see if we have a future. Ultimatum is a last resort if we can't find a solution by talking.

Exactly. That is why I said, the relationship doesn't have to stall or end. It could still go to CD. Just not right now.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure how he can plan to close the distance through work. He can apply for jobs in your country, but that is about it - he may not get one, or at least not for a long time, even if he applies while on visit - he is competing with locals after all, and it does not really help that he used to be on shorter contracts, making his work history look messy. You tell us that he (even if he freaked out) tried to apply for jobs without getting any (or any he wanted anyway). I think it is reasonable that at least he applies for jobs in his own country as well, as there is a very real risk that he has to go home after a 3 month visit.

Another option could be to marry and close the distance through marriage/family reunion.