New to LDR, Need Advice

[theutilityguy]

Hi all, i'm new here.

I'm not one to ask questions on forums but i'm really struggling to understand the situation me and my SO are in right now so i was hoping for some advice.

We have been together 3-4 months. We met in an online game initially, played together for a bit but then it became something more. We are similar in age between i'm 27, she's 25.

Before i start talking about how everything has gone down hill, i think i should mention that i'm pretty sure my SO suffers from some form of depression (she is not taking/seeing one about it though) and that she is having to move into a smaller apartment in a few months and has to give up one of her pets (she is a big pet lover). Maybe that is coming into play more now and that's all there is too it but i'm finding it really difficult to get a grasp of. Also, i should say she has only had 1 relationship before ours (real life) but it lasted over 2 years, she thought he was the one but it ended up as just something casual and it hurt her a lot.

The first 2 months were great, we played together, texted all the time, were intimate over text and phone all that stuff. The 3rd month was more of the same but probably with a little less enthusiasm but this last 1-2 weeks have been absolutely terrible for me.

It's like the first 3 months were very happy, 90-100% (for me) but these last 2 weeks i feel i'm at 10% or below.

The situation we're in right now is almost every time we talk there is some kind of argument or we only talk about sad things.. we haven't done any kind of activity for a week (she won't even play the game we used to play together with me, she will play with her clan friends), we haven't done anything intimate for a week (it's not that time of the month), she texts me a lot less (i find myself initiating about 80% of all our conversations) etc etc..

If you ask me if i think shes cheating on me i will say no, i don't think so but i will say she has an ex she still talks too and she has openly told me someone else online has told her that he loves her but she said to him that they can only be friends (and they are friends). I have tried to talk to her about this but she always says similar things like, she needs her space, shes been lonely all her life so shes really insecure, she is only acting like this because she has never had someone who loves her as much as i do, she doesn't know how she can change her mind set, if she gets too close to someone she gets afraid, she says something is wrong with her inside and she doesn't think she deserves me. I always try and comfort her when she says things like this and sometimes she is okay for a bit but then it will come back the next day. She does still tell me that she loves me here on occassion and that she hopes its just a phase and she will get past it but i am really starting to wonder.

It got really bad one day and i threatened to leave her if she didn't tell me what was really happening (bad move i know). She got really upset and said she wanted to die.. i managed to calm her down and we talked it out but things have just gone back to being dull, no spark, no fun, nothing. I ask her daily if she wants to do something today, anything, but she either refuses or says she doesn't feel good. She plays more with her online friends than she does with me and it really makes me feel really pathetic and annoyed. She has even taken a few days off work because she's not well but still we don't do anything. Honestly it's driving me mad, it's starting to effect real life stuff and i just wonder if it's better for me to just end it.. i just like her so much though but my mind cannot understand why she is acting like this.

I'm no angel, i have gotten annoyed or mad at her a few times but it never lasted more than a few hours, we would always make up.

I'm just hoping for some advice, questions i can her, things i can say... how i can get through to her. Your opinions would be nice too, should i stay, do you think she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and anything else you think might be helpful.

Sorry this post went on forever but i hope you can scim through it and help.

Thank you so much for your time.

[Chris516]

Hi all, i'm new here.

I'm not one to ask questions on forums but i'm really struggling to understand the situation me and my SO are in right now so i was hoping for some advice.

We have been together 3-4 months. We met in an online game initially, played together for a bit but then it became something more. We are similar in age between i'm 27, she's 25.

Before i start talking about how everything has gone down hill, i think i should mention that i'm pretty sure my SO suffers from some form of depression (she is not taking/seeing one about it though) and that she is having to move into a smaller apartment in a few months and has to give up one of her pets (she is a big pet lover). Maybe that is coming into play more now and that's all there is too it but i'm finding it really difficult to get a grasp of. Also, i should say she has only had 1 relationship before ours (real life) but it lasted over 2 years, she thought he was the one but it ended up as just something casual and it hurt her a lot.

The first 2 months were great, we played together, texted all the time, were intimate over text and phone all that stuff. The 3rd month was more of the same but probably with a little less enthusiasm but this last 1-2 weeks have been absolutely terrible for me.

It's like the first 3 months were very happy, 90-100% (for me) but these last 2 weeks i feel i'm at 10% or below.

The situation we're in right now is almost every time we talk there is some kind of argument or we only talk about sad things.. we haven't done any kind of activity for a week (she won't even play the game we used to play together with me, she will play with her clan friends), we haven't done anything intimate for a week (it's not that time of the month), she texts me a lot less (i find myself initiating about 80% of all our conversations) etc etc..

If you ask me if i think shes cheating on me i will say no, i don't think so but i will say she has an ex she still talks too and she has openly told me someone else online has told her that he loves her but she said to him that they can only be friends (and they are friends). I have tried to talk to her about this but she always says similar things like, she needs her space, shes been lonely all her life so shes really insecure, she is only acting like this because she has never had someone who loves her as much as i do, she doesn't know how she can change her mind set, if she gets too close to someone she gets afraid, she says something is wrong with her inside and she doesn't think she deserves me. I always try and comfort her when she says things like this and sometimes she is okay for a bit but then it will come back the next day. She does still tell me that she loves me here on occassion and that she hopes its just a phase and she will get past it but i am really starting to wonder.

It got really bad one day and i threatened to leave her if she didn't tell me what was really happening (bad move i know). She got really upset and said she wanted to die.. i managed to calm her down and we talked it out but things have just gone back to being dull, no spark, no fun, nothing. I ask her daily if she wants to do something today, anything, but she either refuses or says she doesn't feel good. She plays more with her online friends than she does with me and it really makes me feel really pathetic and annoyed. She has even taken a few days off work because she's not well but still we don't do anything. Honestly it's driving me mad, it's starting to effect real life stuff and i just wonder if it's better for me to just end it.. i just like her so much though but my mind cannot understand why she is acting like this.

I'm no angel, i have gotten annoyed or mad at her a few times but it never lasted more than a few hours, we would always make up.

I'm just hoping for some advice, questions i can her, things i can say... how i can get through to her. Your opinions would be nice too, should i stay, do you think she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore and anything else you think might be helpful.

Sorry this post went on forever but i hope you can skim through it and help.

Thank you so much for your time.

Your assertion that she is cheating, is loosely based. Equally, Why she would say that she wants to die. The 'running thread' in those two POV is that, not enough info. Her suicide threat far outweighs your assertion. In that. her suicide threat in response to you threatening to leave. Is a 'violation' of the 'Power and Control Wheel'. Because, Both of you were being manipulative towards each other. Neither you or her, should be feeling like you are 'on pins n needles' with the other. So, No more emotional threats, and definitely have 100% emotional transparency. No more 'hiding in the shadows'(being angry with each other along with not talking).

https://www.google.com/search?q=powe...yoVvAlP8m9M%3A

While the Power and Control Wheel is good organizationally. The problem with it. Is that it blames the man for everything. All the parts of the wheel APPLY TO BOTH YOU AND HER.

[Harlequin]

Your assertion that she is cheating, is loosely based. Equally, Why she would say that she wants to die. The 'running thread' in those two POV is that, not enough info. Her suicide threat far outweighs your assertion. In that. her suicide threat in response to you threatening to leave. Is a 'violation' of the 'Power and Control Wheel'. Because, Both of you were being manipulative towards each other. Neither you or her, should be feeling like you are 'on pins n needles' with the other. So, No more emotional threats, and definitely have 100% emotional transparency. No more 'hiding in the shadows'(being angry with each other along with not talking).

https://www.google.com/search?q=powe...yoVvAlP8m9M%3A

While the Power and Control Wheel is good organizationally. The problem with it. Is that it blames the man for everything. All the parts of the wheel APPLY TO BOTH YOU AND HER.

He didn't assert she was cheating. He said he doesn't think she's cheating, but he worries that an ex of hers might have professed his love to her. He thinks she has depression that she's not seeking help for. If she's already emotionally unstable, then having someone do that could really throw her out of whack even more than she already is.

OP, I'm glad you acknowledge your own mistakes, and I'm inclined to agree that she's dealing with some sort of depression or anxiety issue. I doubt her feelings for you have changed, and I also don't think what she's doing is personal. I don't think her telling you she wants to die was emotional manipulation; I think that was her telling you exactly what's wrong. That's a really hard thing to admit, and that feeling isn't likely to completely go away after one conversation and she isn't going to feel well after admitting to that. She's talking about sad things, and you're having arguments, because she's depressed and it's weighing on her mind like a thick fog. Outside influences, like whomever it was that professed their love and downsizing her apartment, don't help her. There's also a chance that she's not really doing much with you, because she either:
a. doesn't feel good enough for you and is trying to push you away, which is the depression talking
b. doesn't want to burden you with her problems, which is also the depression talking

She really needs to talk to a therapist and possibly go on some sort of medication, but ultimately, she's not going to seek help unless she wants to. You can try to gently convince her, but don't get angry with her if she's not ready to go. That'll make it worse and she'll just withdraw more. In the meantime, just be loving and supportive, and let her know that she's worth it. Talk to her, find out what's really bothering her when she wants to talk about sad things. That might actually be a good way to bring up the topic of therapy. Just remember that it's not personal. For instance, when she takes those days off, I wouldn't be surprised if she can't be mustered to do very basic tasks like brushing her teeth.

Now, if she refuses to get help and you find that it's too much for you to handle, then you absolutely can walk away. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has limits, and it's fine to not push yours.

[theutilityguy]

Hi again,

Thank you for the advice, some of it really made sense and made me think a little differently.

So over the last few days we have been talking a little but very casually. Just like how are you, how was your day, some gaming talk then the conversation kind of dies out. We are not flirting, talking about the future (we used to alot), no calls, feels like there is no love between us at all.

She said again that she loves me a few days ago but needs space.. and that she will eventually go back to 'normal'. She also said she can't ask me to wait for her and will understand if i move on which was a little confusing to me. I've been trying to keep conversations simple so we don't get into any arguments and also talking less in general but i'm finding this very difficult at the same time too. There are just so many things i want to ask but i feel if i do they may drive her further away.

My main concern right now is the fear that she maybe just stringing me along... she doesn't want to hurt me so shes using the 'i need space' thing to 'let me down easier' after it feels like we've grown apart enough. I mean we haven't progressed in our relationship at all, we haven't really done anything that couples do and its been nearly 3 weeks, is this normal? I feel if this carries on for longer then eventually there will be no love left between us and it's a little scary. I see her talking with her online friends sometimes and she seems really happy but then i begin questioning why she is upbeat and i'm so down.. we're in the same situation after all.

How long should i wait for her?
Should i go no contact at all with her for a little?

What else can i do? Is there anything i should ask her? Your advice is much appreciated.

Thanks

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hi again,

Thank you for the advice, some of it really made sense and made me think a little differently.

So over the last few days we have been talking a little but very casually. Just like how are you, how was your day, some gaming talk then the conversation kind of dies out. We are not flirting, talking about the future (we used to alot), no calls, feels like there is no love between us at all.

She said again that she loves me a few days ago but needs space.. and that she will eventually go back to 'normal'. She also said she can't ask me to wait for her and will understand if i move on which was a little confusing to me. I've been trying to keep conversations simple so we don't get into any arguments and also talking less in general but i'm finding this very difficult at the same time too. There are just so many things i want to ask but i feel if i do they may drive her further away.

My main concern right now is the fear that she maybe just stringing me along... she doesn't want to hurt me so shes using the 'i need space' thing to 'let me down easier' after it feels like we've grown apart enough. I mean we haven't progressed in our relationship at all, we haven't really done anything that couples do and its been nearly 3 weeks, is this normal? I feel if this carries on for longer then eventually there will be no love left between us and it's a little scary. I see her talking with her online friends sometimes and she seems really happy but then i begin questioning why she is upbeat and i'm so down.. we're in the same situation after all.

How long should i wait for her?
Should i go no contact at all with her for a little?

What else can i do? Is there anything i should ask her? Your advice is much appreciated.

Thanks

I learned my lesson about someone asking for space and time to figure things out. That person does not want you and making you wait it extremely unfair. I had a guy do this just a month after I started dating him. He was literally pushing me out the door by saying I should leave if his actions are making me anxious (his lack of communication and his hesitation for me coming to visit). He had all the excuses lined up, "I don't want to hurt you", "I don't want to get hurt" etc. Personally I would not wait for her, build your life to make yourself happy. You cannot force her to stay and obviously she doesn't want to, but does not want to look like a bad person breaking it off. The more you wait for her and interact w/her, the longer it will take you to get over her. The guy I was dating told me we could be friends, I decided to see how much he really wanted to interact w/me, I didn't text him at all and lo and behold he didn't text me at all. I broke after 2 weeks and messaged him, he was so cold/casual in the convo. After that I didn't from him 3 months, it took me a couple weeks to recover from the rejection. In that time, I re-made my online profile and met another guy who actually wants to be w/me. See what happens if you drastically cut communication, if she doesn't want to w/you, she will fade, if she does maybe give her a chance, but overall it doesn't look good. If she brings up the relationship, tell her you are all in or not, there is no in between. Hurt from past relationships doesn't give anyone a free pass to string someone along instead of having the guts to end it. I wish you luck and it is very difficult to be in this kind of situation.

[kittyxuchiha11]

My SO has depression and i definitely get seasonal depression, so please listen when i say that when someone with depression asks for space it's not that their feels have changed it's that they feel like they're not good enough and need time alone to try work on themselves. Depression is made out to be this thing that just makes people a bit sad and if someone loves you it'll magically go away, that's not how it is at all, you may want to help but you simply can't. Yes some people are helped by having people around them to feel more alive but others shut themselves away and deal with their issues alone and honestly it sounds like that's what your SO is doing.

Think of it this way, imagine if your places were switched and you felt really down and nothing could cheer you up. You try to be be happy and you try to talk to your SO but you just don't have the energy too. you're always so tired and talking to people seems like the most exhausting task in the world. you just want to shut yourself away because there's something wrong and although people are saying they're there for you, they can't help.

There doesn't need to be lots of i love yous and constant communication each day for the love to stay there, he love stays no matter what. Th best you can d is leave her messages even just saying that you're thinking of her and for her to message you if she needs you. in the mean time. get in with your life and wait for her to make the move. She'll contact you when she feels she's ready

[theutilityguy]

Hi guys, this will be my final update

We had a long a chat and basically she said:

- She still cannot get over when i threatened to leave her and she thinks it may happen again despite my reassurances that it was just something that came out of pure frustration and heightened emotions. For the record, i have never even hinted at leaving her before.
- She says she still loves me and thinks about me everyday but cannot show that love.. she is having to hold it back because she is scared.
- She still blames herself that this is how her mind is and she is sad she can't make herself change.
- I asked her straight up if she can get past everything that's happened, she indirectly said no.
- She said we should have no contact for a few months and then try again ''if she is still alive' in her own words..

She wants me to wait for her until she gets her life into some kind of order because in February she will be moving back in with her parents and with their support she thinks we could try again and make it work. I really want to believe her but i think i'd be a fool if i did. She says she will not look for anyone else while we are not talking but i really find that hard to believe, we are humans and all of us crave love and attention plus 3 months is a very long time for a break.. i'm pretty sure she just got bored of me and now has/or will eventually look for someone else. I could just be thinking this because i'm feeling down, i don't know anymore.

I'd like to thank everyone who posted replies, even though it's not the ending i wanted your advice was helpful in getting me to this point. I just wish i had found out a little sooner.. it feels like shes just been stringing me along these last few weeks and it really makes me feel pathetic.

I feel kind of lost right now, i really liked this girl but i guess that's just how things are sometimes. Hopefully by me posting updates, someone in a similar situation can sort things out before they get to my stage because this feeling of emptiness, heartache and being all alone is not one i'd wish for anyone.

If you have any last advice feel free to speak your mind, what would you do? Would you wait? Do you think shes telling the truth etc etc.

Thanks again for your time.

[sasad]

I would let her go. She is basically shutting you down, no contact until Feb???? IF shes still alive? WTH ...
There is no commitment between you both, no long term plans.. have you even met in real life yet?

I would move on and live my life now. You have supported her and now she has pushed back. As hard as it is, its time to move on yourself.

[Chris516]

Hi guys, this will be my final update

We had a long a chat and basically she said:

- She still cannot get over when i threatened to leave her and she thinks it may happen again despite my reassurances that it was just something that came out of pure frustration and heightened emotions. For the record, i have never even hinted at leaving her before.
- She says she still loves me and thinks about me everyday but cannot show that love.. she is having to hold it back because she is scared.
- She still blames herself that this is how her mind is and she is sad she can't make herself change.
- I asked her straight up if she can get past everything that's happened, she indirectly said no.
- She said we should have no contact for a few months and then try again ''if she is still alive' in her own words..

She wants me to wait for her until she gets her life into some kind of order because in February she will be moving back in with her parents and with their support she thinks we could try again and make it work. I really want to believe her but i think i'd be a fool if i did. She says she will not look for anyone else while we are not talking but i really find that hard to believe, we are humans and all of us crave love and attention plus 3 months is a very long time for a break.. i'm pretty sure she just got bored of me and now has/or will eventually look for someone else. I could just be thinking this because i'm feeling down, i don't know anymore.

I'd like to thank everyone who posted replies, even though it's not the ending i wanted your advice was helpful in getting me to this point. I just wish i had found out a little sooner.. it feels like shes just been stringing me along these last few weeks and it really makes me feel pathetic.

I feel kind of lost right now, i really liked this girl but i guess that's just how things are sometimes. Hopefully by me posting updates, someone in a similar situation can sort things out before they get to my stage because this feeling of emptiness, heartache and being all alone is not one i'd wish for anyone.

If you have any last advice feel free to speak your mind, what would you do? Would you wait? Do you think shes telling the truth etc etc.

Thanks again for your time.

Threats are not good. But for her to leave out of fear that you would emotionally threaten her again. Then say she 'essentially' wants some time to get her life back in order, before giving it another try, is two-faced.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

Hi guys, this will be my final update

We had a long a chat and basically she said:

- She still cannot get over when i threatened to leave her and she thinks it may happen again despite my reassurances that it was just something that came out of pure frustration and heightened emotions. For the record, i have never even hinted at leaving her before.
- She says she still loves me and thinks about me everyday but cannot show that love.. she is having to hold it back because she is scared.
- She still blames herself that this is how her mind is and she is sad she can't make herself change.
- I asked her straight up if she can get past everything that's happened, she indirectly said no.
- She said we should have no contact for a few months and then try again ''if she is still alive' in her own words..

She wants me to wait for her until she gets her life into some kind of order because in February she will be moving back in with her parents and with their support she thinks we could try again and make it work. I really want to believe her but i think i'd be a fool if i did. She says she will not look for anyone else while we are not talking but i really find that hard to believe, we are humans and all of us crave love and attention plus 3 months is a very long time for a break.. i'm pretty sure she just got bored of me and now has/or will eventually look for someone else. I could just be thinking this because i'm feeling down, i don't know anymore.

I'd like to thank everyone who posted replies, even though it's not the ending i wanted your advice was helpful in getting me to this point. I just wish i had found out a little sooner.. it feels like shes just been stringing me along these last few weeks and it really makes me feel pathetic.

I feel kind of lost right now, i really liked this girl but i guess that's just how things are sometimes. Hopefully by me posting updates, someone in a similar situation can sort things out before they get to my stage because this feeling of emptiness, heartache and being all alone is not one i'd wish for anyone.

If you have any last advice feel free to speak your mind, what would you do? Would you wait? Do you think shes telling the truth etc etc.

Thanks again for your time.

As other people have said, its time to move to move on. Personally I wouldn't wait for anyone like that especially since there is not guarantee they would ever contact me again and also they may meet someone else. She is just going to hold you on a string just in case something else may not work out. I may be the odd one out on this thought, but it doesn't seem like she is telling the truth, looks more like she is seeing someone else and has you as a back up. If she is struggling that much, how can she put a time frame on getting her stuff together? You will get bored waiting for her, look for someone who is willing to commit and open to solving problems together. Even if she does come back to you, how can you trust she won't do that again? There are no breaks in a relationship.

[theutilityguy]

Here's a 'final final' update for those who may be interested.

We are 3 weeks into nc and i find out today from a friend that shes going out with a new guy she met in rl.

Part of me really wants to confront her and ask her why she had to lead me on but i also do not want to give her that satisfaction.

These 3 weeks have been tough, i took this hard but i guess its time to finally pick myself up and stop clinging onto false hope.

[hmrambling]

If I told my therapist what you just shared here, he would say that updates from friends about my ex is indirect contact, therefore not 'no contact'. How is it beneficial to get updates from friends about your ex who you claim you have no contact with? Make a boundary with your friend that you do not want to talk about your ex. Make a boundary with YOURSELF that you will not talk about your ex with your friends.

[sasad]

If I told my therapist what you just shared here, he would say that updates from friends about my ex is indirect contact, therefore not 'no contact'. How is it beneficial to get updates from friends about your ex who you claim you have no contact with? Make a boundary with your friend that you do not want to talk about your ex. Make a boundary with YOURSELF that you will not talk about your ex with your friends.

Because you cannot control what other people say and do. Some people just blurt stuff out and are just "looking out" for their friend. You cant control indirect contact.
It is also better for him because its giving him closure.
I also think that sometimes therapist tend to try and categorize everything and try to take so much emotion out that it gets more depressive. We are humans, we feel. Feelings are what they are good or bad, neither right nor wrong..

[hmrambling]

Because you cannot control what other people say and do. Some people just blurt stuff out and are just "looking out" for their friend. You cant control indirect contact.
It is also better for him because its giving him closure.
I also think that sometimes therapist tend to try and categorize everything and try to take so much emotion out that it gets more depressive. We are humans, we feel. Feelings are what they are good or bad, neither right nor wrong..

You will find in my post that I did not suggest that anyone control what someone else says. However, it is good in every relationship to set clear boundaries. It is both good and okay to make boundaries with friends. I have certainly told my friends when I do not want to discuss any exes, and a true friend will respect that boundary.

If one of my friends insists on talking about my ex despite my requests to not talk about my ex, then I have a friend who does not respect my boundaries. If for me 'no contact' means no indirect contact, then I certainly do communicate that to my friends. When I am clear about my boundaries, my friends know that I do not want to discuss my ex at all. I would examine my friendships if my friends 'blurt stuff out' in an effort to 'look out' for me. Not respecting my boundaries is *not* looking out for me.

[sasad]

You will find in my post that I did not suggest that anyone control what someone else says. However, it is good in every relationship to set clear boundaries. It is both good and okay to make boundaries with friends. I have certainly told my friends when I do not want to discuss any exes, and a true friend will respect that boundary.

If one of my friends insists on talking about my ex despite my requests to not talk about my ex, then I have a friend who does not respect my boundaries. If for me 'no contact' means no indirect contact, then I certainly do communicate that to my friends. When I am clear about my boundaries, my friends know that I do not want to discuss my ex at all. I would examine my friendships if my friends 'blurt stuff out' in an effort to 'look out' for me. Not respecting my boundaries is *not* looking out for me.

Setting boundaries is ok, but to get to the point where you are expecting friends to have to censor everything they say can be a bit much. Again, we are human and things happen.. all my friends have quirks as do I. I don't examine my friendships if they are my friends. That's what I am saying. To keep putting restrictions and boundaries.. that isn't friendships.