If your SO said this, would you trust him/her thereafter?

[Moon]

What i got from the statement was that IF you were jealous or controlling, he WOULD feel it necessary to hide that detail.

Solution: be open and honest and it will be reciprocated.

I agree with this, but at the same time, if he made a promise about something, he can't decide to change the terms on his own. I wouldn't automatically distrust him though, it was hypothetical and those can be upsetting sometimes. I think you should think about it for a bit, then just have the discussion. Afterwards, see how you feel and go from there. I just don't think you should instantly distrust him based on that one conversation until you can talk about it in more detail, calmly and logically. You asked what we would do, and that's exactly what I'd do. I would not lose trust for someone based on what he said, I wouldn't love it, but I also certainly wouldn't let it ruin my relationship without understanding why he said that. Good luck.

[R&R]

May I ask how you would feel if this happened to you? I'm trying to see outside of my box and put this in perspective if possible. For me, what he said seems not just slightly dishonest but very dishonest. I did speak to him about it afterwards and told him, lets be on the same page about one thing- If I make a request from you that you can't or don't want to do, just tell me outright that you can't/won't and I'll do the same for you. But saying one thing and doing another is something that personally makes me lose trust in my partner's word. He said ok to this. But it still bothers me that in the first place he thought it was an acceptable thing to do. I don't know if I'm just in the habit of being overly direct or what but if my partner made a request from me that I felt was intrusive like asking me to promise I'd let him know whenever an ex sent me a random "how you doing " message, I wouldn't just agree to tell him to keep the peace and surreptitiously hide it from him later on because THAT'S a betrayal of trust- not the contact with an ex, but promising one thing that you knew from the start you were going to break. I would simply tell him from the start I'm not comfortable with doing this and then let him make a decision at that point. Either to accept the fact that I won't tell him, or if its such a big deal enough to be a deal breaker, to let him end the relationship then. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm having a hard time grasping whether a person who is honest could even THINK that this is an acceptable thing to do. And that's why I desperately need other people's opinion on this. I grew up in an environment where compulsive lying was the norm. As a reaction to that, I am almost obsessively truthful. So I need to know whether I am just being overly critical and whether a reasonably honest person would still think what he said is ok, or whether it seems like a dishonest red flag to a good majority of society

I wouldn't stress about it. It was a hypothetical question. IF you were a jealous gf, IF you insisted on knowing everything......would he tell you? He gave you an honest answer about a situation that is never going to happen. There are real issues in a relationship that may need atttention instead of [B]IF's.

As far as being upset because he gave you an honest answer.......you asked a question and he gave you a real answer. We don't need to tell our SO's everything that happens in our lives. If it's something he doesn't need to know, I'm not going to tell him. My ex-husband still flirts with me and one of my ex-bf's emails me a sob story about messing up our relationship at least once a year. I don't tell my SO when it happens - he trusts me and isn't jealous and it really doesn't matter. What matters is my response to the situations. So your SO may not tell you if something that may "hypothetically" upset you to save unnecessary hypothetical drama and tells you otherwise to avoid the hypothetical unnecessary drama - I'm sorry but I agree with him on this one. Then again, I wouldn't put myself in a relationship like that in the first place.

[Taki]

I wouldn't stress about it. It was a hypothetical question. IF you were a jealous gf, IF you insisted on knowing everything......would he tell you? He gave you an honest answer about a situation that is never going to happen. There are real issues in a relationship that may need atttention instead of [B]IF's.

As far as being upset because he gave you an honest answer.......you asked a question and he gave you a real answer. We don't need to tell our SO's everything that happens in our lives. If it's something he doesn't need to know, I'm not going to tell him. My ex-husband still flirts with me and one of my ex-bf's emails me a sob story about messing up our relationship at least once a year. I don't tell my SO when it happens - he trusts me and isn't jealous and it really doesn't matter. What matters is my response to the situations. So your SO may not tell you if something that may "hypothetically" upset you to save unnecessary hypothetical drama and tells you otherwise to avoid the hypothetical unnecessary drama - I'm sorry but I agree with him on this one. Then again, I wouldn't put myself in a relationship like that in the first place.

Oh I totally agree and I myself don't think it's necessary to tell every little detail. But what upsets me is that he thinks it's ok in general (whatever the topic, whether it be contact with exes..whatever) to make promises he knows even at the time of making, that he's not going to keep. I never make promises that I may not be able to keep (especially never ever make promises that I KNOW right from the start I am deliberately NOT going to keep).

[Taki]

I agree with this, but at the same time, if he made a promise about something, he can't decide to change the terms on his own. I wouldn't automatically distrust him though, it was hypothetical and those can be upsetting sometimes. I think you should think about it for a bit, then just have the discussion. Afterwards, see how you feel and go from there. I just don't think you should instantly distrust him based on that one conversation until you can talk about it in more detail, calmly and logically. You asked what we would do, and that's exactly what I'd do. I would not lose trust for someone based on what he said, I wouldn't love it, but I also certainly wouldn't let it ruin my relationship without understanding why he said that. Good luck.

Thank you very much. I did talk about it to him afterwards and told him "if you ask me to do something I can't or won't fulfil, I'd never make that promise in the first place. I'd outright say that it's not something I'm comfortable with doing instead of making a promise I know even at the time of making I'm not going to keep. So I'd like the same from you please. Just tell me directly you can't or won't fulfil my request and lets go from there. But if you promise something and then do the total opposite deliberately, I'm going to lose all trust in your word." He said ok. It still bothers somewhat that he thought it was an acceptable thing to do in the first place and since that initial damage was done I even wonder a little whether even this "ok" is just one other instance of him agreeing to something he has no intention in actually keeping.lol I guess only time will tell. I have, after all only known him 6 months so if he is not the great guy I thought he was, then time and experience like this will reveal that.

[autumn1790]

At this point, you have to choose to trust him. A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. If you're constantly wondering "what if.." you'll turn into that jealous, controlling gf that you don't want to be. If he ends up breaking your trust, it's his loss, but if you live constantly questioning his honesty, it's your loss, so try to trust him as much as possible. But, I'm young, naive, and inexperienced, so maybe my opinion is different. Anyway, best wishes!

[rache82]

Who yes; that is definitely cause for concern for the very reason you mentioned.
You need to be honest with him and tell him though. You need to give him that above reasoning ie, how do you know if he's ever telling the truth now? Very strange thing to say, unless of course, he had reason to believe you are, in fact, a jealous person.

(101!

[Karura]

It looks like his words have hit your trust hard regardless of what anyone may say here. You have your reasons for concern and I can understand them, but the only thing to do here is to openly talk to him about your feelings, even when he says things that upset you and be completely honest. You receive trust by giving trust so I would tell you not to keep your guard so much about him after this happened and keep talking to him since, from what you've told us, you two talk about everything, and at the same time ask about his feelings and perspective as well so you two can understand each other.

[sasad]

It's a hypothetical situation... he simply stated that if she was a jealous type gf he would do it to cut down on drama

First. He didn't do or say anything directly related to their relationship
Secondly, it's not a real situation. It was a question.

I understand where her SO is coming from hypothetically...if I had an ex that I still talked too, and my so was crazy unreasonably jealous, then I would also tone down and not give a blow by blow of every convo.. why would I want to cause my so to have a blow out for no reason... at this point it's not his fault, but hers for lack of trust and taking things out of proportion. I get that.

But again, it was a conversation between you too.., why on earth are you trying to turn it in to he just lies about everything now

[Taki]

But again, it was a conversation between you too.., why on earth are you trying to turn it in to he just lies about everything now

I think I have explained this many times now...lol. I get not giving unnecessary details. I don't either. My issue is with the fact that he thinks it's OK to make promises which he knows full well he's not going to keep. As I have said above, I don't make promises I can't or won't keep and on the occasion I do make a promise, I do my damn best to keep it. Talking or not talking to exes or giving details or not is not the issue. That was merely the example through which it came out.

[R&R]

I think I have explained this many times now...lol. I get not giving unnecessary details. I don't either. My issue is with the fact that he thinks it's OK to make promises which he knows full well he's not going to keep. As I have said above, I don't make promises I can't or won't keep and on the occasion I do make a promise, I do my damn best to keep it. Talking or not talking to exes or giving details or not is not the issue. That was merely the example through which it came out.

Sometimes people see keeping the peace is more important than keeping the promise - especially if the person they are dealing with is overly sensitive, dramatic or just plain crazy. In they hypothetical situation, it was if the person he was dealing with was unreasonably jealous and controlling.

[sasad]

[QUOTE=R&R;434662]Sometimes people see keeping the peace is more important than keeping the promise

exactly!

[sasad]

I think I have explained this many times now...lol. I get not giving unnecessary details. I don't either. My issue is with the fact that he thinks it's OK to make promises which he knows full well he's not going to keep. As I have said above, I don't make promises I can't or won't keep and on the occasion I do make a promise, I do my damn best to keep it. Talking or not talking to exes or giving details or not is not the issue. That was merely the example through which it came out.

Again, I get that.. by you are taking something he said was "hypothetical" and making it real.. That is what I mean You are saying that he meant that in YOUR relationship. When has he ever said he would do that to you? He said hypothetical jealous gf he would probably do that..
I think sometimes people overthink situations and then they become issues..

[Rezie]

If he would have said "if you were a jealour girlfriend I would promise to tell you if an ex called me, but I wouldn't if that actually happenend. Since you are not a jelous person and I know you can handle if an ex called I would keep my promise and tell you" would that have made a difference? Sasad is right that he would do that if you were a jelous girlfriend and since you are not then technically it doens't apply to you.

I also think that a lot of people promise or say things they don't mean to keep the other person happy. They just don't usually admit that they would actually do the opposite. In a way this shows that your partner really trusts you since he let you kow a secret on how he would treat other women. In the end our opinions don't matter. It matters that you feel like you can't trust your partner. You will have to work together to rebuilt that trust.

[Sparkling72]

What I got out of that was "IF you were crazy, I'd lie to you" when in fact he means, "Thank God you're not crazy so I dont have to lie to you" And some people are not the best at relaying exactly what they mean with the words that end up coming out. I tease my SO all the time about being able to decipher what comes out of his mouth. He openly admits to having foot-in-mouth disease. I think about what he just said before I react and ask, "when you said, if I was crazy, you'd just lie to me... did you really mean that you're glad I'm not crazy so you dont feel like you have to lie to me?" (using your situation as an example) and 10/10 times he says "OMG yes! I'm so glad you understand me!" he laughs, I shake my head. LOL

ultimately, let him know it bothered you and ask him if he intended it the way it sounded and definitely dont let one comment destroy the relationship.

[Chris516]

My BF and I have been dating for 6 months (4.5 we were actually together, 1.5 months LDR). I have always trusted him and in truth there has never been any reason not to. I really like this guy and always considered our bond to be deep and sincere. Recently though we were having a random conversation and to cut a long story short, the question of "if an ex contacted you, would you think it necessary to tell your current partner about it" and bot of us were of the opinion that it's not essential. That's not what bothers me at all. I don't have jealousy issues and a short conversation with an ex from time to time doesn't really bother me at all.

What bothered me was this: he said that in a hypothetical situation (and don't ask me how we got to this topic because the nature of our conversations are such that we tend to talk literally EVERYthing...lol) where, if I were a jealous gf, and if I insisted that he should tell me every time an ex contacted him and the details of the conversation, what he would do was to agree with me that he'd tell me, but in reality when that happened that he wouldn't because "what you don't know doesn't hurt you" and because he knows himself and he knows that he won't cheat emotionally or physically, he doesn't see the need to leave room for drama.

This honestly shook me because I felt it was dishonest and unfair. If I were that type of gf, regardless of the fact that I may be jealous and controlling I think an honest partner's response would be to frankly say "hey I can't agree to that because I feel like that is overly controlling" and then allow the gf to make the choice as to whether the relationship works for her or not. Because promising to do one thing and then doing something else in an underhand manner is a surefire way- if the other partner ever finds out even by accident- to destroy all trust altogether. Why promise something (that you know is important to your partner) knowing that you're not going to do it? Why not be honest from the start that that's something you're not comfortable doing?

Now it has made me question every single thing he's said and done. Like what if, all this time he's just been saying and doing things that he thinks I want to hear?

On the other hand from what I've seen of his actions, and other conversations, he seemed to be very honest and genuine and he's told me the truth about many things. So I honestly don't know what to think. How would you feel about this situation if it were you?

I hate that phrase. It is a block-headed excuse, to justify being dishonest to someone.

When I was engaged, my (ex)wife contacted me. I never said it was okay for my (ex)wife to contact me. But when I was engaged to another woman after the divorce. My parents' saw no problem giving my (ex)wife my cell phone number. I immediately told my (ex)fiance. Not just out of honesty. I did not want any communications with my (ex)wife.