The Flip Flop

[Desthro]

Alright, so this is an issue my partner and I have worked out for the most part, and it was a doozy of a problem because of the back and forth by my partner. I just need to put it out there-

Basic background
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We've only been seeing each other for five months now, and for the first bit of our relationship, all we could think was how crazy it is that we're doing this. We've both commented on how it seems like we've been together forever, for years and years, even though it's only been such a small time. A lot of people see how brief our relationship is and bring that up because of how atypical our relationship is. Anyway, meat and potatoes. My partner is finishing her Master's degree this May, and we discussed about whether she wants to move here, or spend another four years earning a PhD.

At first, we discussed what we each wanted, what the options were, the costs of her or I moving, the different possibilities, the pros and the cons, and we came to the decision that she would move here with me after she graduated in May. We started laying the groundwork, researching job opportunities, contacting immigration lawyers to help us with the process of getting her PRC, started mingling our finances, started paying bills together, etc. Naturally, I was elated as we are engaged, and it is nothing short of exciting to want to start your life with the one person in the world that is the one. However, after a week or two, she reneged on the decision and said she didn't know again. It felt devastating, and we went through the process again, outlying the pros and the cons, and the choices, and she again came to the decision that she would move here. A couple of weeks later, she balked again, and it's like, we made these plans, and you keep backing out, what's going on for real? We discussed the fears and the uncertainty, and ultimately I decided that it was unfair to include me in this process and come to a conclusion only to be backed out on it. I said that she needed to make the choice, and that I would support her 100%.

I have a pretty good feeling that I am going to be in an LDR for the long haul now, 5 years.

[Sparkling72]

Ok, so... did she say why she is uncertain? how often do you 2 see each other? Did you first meet in Oct 2016?

[Desthro]

Ok, so... did she say why she is uncertain? how often do you 2 see each other? Did you first meet in Oct 2016?

Yes and the reasons are pretty personal, and they were understandable and applicable. I support her decision unquestioningly, it just feels like you're being handed a prison sentence for falling in love with someone who can't be near you. At least we get conjugal visits periodically. (lol) I met her once about six months prior to that, and then again a couple of weeks before Oct 29. 2016 when she insisted on flirting with me hahah. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know one another, better, and we decided to enter into a long-distance relationship when I purchased a plane ticket to go visit her. We see each other about once every two months or so on average.

[Karura]

It's understandable that she maybe nervous as you guys made the decision for her to move, especially as the time grows closer. I don't know how far apart you two are but she would be giving up a lot of things to stay with you and it can be a scary process. Even if there are more pros than cons, it doesn't mean that the cons are to be dismissed. Not everyone has an easy time changing their lives like that. Obviously, without knowing her side of the story it's hard to tell the reason, but she could be young (considering that she will finish college soon) have lots of friends and family that she's close to, has never lived anywhere else or traveled much... and the best thing you can do is, instead of feeling like it's unfair to you and put pressure on her to tell her to make a choice (so, in other words, an ultimatum), I would give her time, love and patience, THAT is the fair thing to do. It just seems like you're being selfish and not understanding of her position.

[Sparkling72]

Yes and the reasons are pretty personal, and they were understandable and applicable. I support her decision unquestioningly, it just feels like you're being handed a prison sentence for falling in love with someone who can't be near you. At least we get conjugal visits periodically. (lol) I met her once about six months prior to that, and then again a couple of weeks before Oct 29. 2016 when she insisted on flirting with me hahah. We spent a lot of time talking and getting to know one another, better, and we decided to enter into a long-distance relationship when I purchased a plane ticket to go visit her. We see each other about once every two months or so on average.

Ok... so you two have not been together very long, really... so I get her nervousness. I would be too. Just be patient, bide your time and continue your regular visits for a while. Give the move topic a rest for a while too, that might help ease her as well. If she needs to slow down, then so do you and try not to make her feel pressured. I know it's hard when you're excited and want to get your life started, believe me, but sometimes the best relationships are the ones that take the most patience. If you love her, you have the rest of your lives, so take your time. Everything will happen the way it should