The con of an intercultural relationship? :S

[noodle]

I wasn't sure how to call this thread but yea I just went with this title lol


So yesterday I've been at a party with a bunch of friends and people I know. Since I usually dont drink much and havent had any alcohol in ages since I'm usually the driver to parties etc, I was like hey you dont have to drive why not drink a lil more tonight, just for fun?
So I got pretty tipsy, not sure if I can call it drunk cause I sobered up after like an hour or two.
Anyways one of my close friends was drunk, she knew what she was doin but basically didnt care, I told her I'd love to kiss her once and she was like "ok let's do it!"
We basically made out 2-3 times lol Not super make-outage but yea lol

Now here's the problem. Over here in Germany (as far as I know even all over Europe) it's basically no big deal to kiss a girl (if you're a girl). I mean like you're not called a lesbian or anythin if you make out with a girl once or twice. I know girls who used to make out with other girls every weekend due to them bein drunk and just not carin. So as I said it's not a big deal here.
I personally don't do it really. The last time I did it (besides of last night) was like 2-3 years ago, as well while super tipsy/drunk and it was my best friend.
So all summed up it's Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl".

Now I've told my SO who is american since I don't hide anythin from him and I thought he'd actually think it's funny.
He was a lil shocked tho, said wow and couldnt tell me if it's good or bad. He asked me if I did it just for fun or if I did it in an experimenting way (like to find out if I like girls over guys). I felt horrible, I didn't expect him to take it this way. He was tellin me ages ago, even before we started datin, that he used to have gf with whom he had things and that he once was sorta kinda makin out with a girl at a party and his best friend joined them (they were also drunk).
I assured him that it was just for fun and that I only did it cause I was drunk and I didnt think its a big deal since she's a good friend of mine and a girl and that I would never cheat on him and that I promise that I wont do it again.
He said that it's whatever and that he has had just such a shitty day so he's not sure what to feel about it.
I am pretty sure tho that it might have been a lil shock for him at first but that he knows that it was just for fun and not in the meanin of cheatin on him or anything.

I have also seen the difference in our ''cultures'' like the American - European/German when it came to him comin here to my place.
He asked if he would be sleepin in my bed and I was sayin yes of course and if he expected anythin else, plus if he wants his own room or bed he can have it. And he was amazed and said that he'd love to share a bed with me.
He than asked if my parents wouldnt mind him sleepin in the same bed as I do and all that stuff and I was like "They don't care as long as I don't get pregnant with 18." and that my parents respect my privacy when a guy is in my room so they don't come knockin on my door every 2 mins to make sure we're not doin anythin dirty etc
And he couldn't believe it lol His parents have never been like that and back at that time he has never slept in the same bed with a girl, he basically wasn't even allowed to do that with his ex-gf whom he's been datin for over a year.


I know I can't generalize Americans, neither do I want to do that, but it's said in the world that they are pretty prude?
My friend once told me he couldnt go alone on vacation with his girl cause otherwise his and her parents would expect them to get married sometime soon.

Has somethin like that ever happend to you? Like you did somethin your SO would never do him/herself cause it's just weird for them due to different cultures?
And has any of those actions caused any missunderstandings or trouble in your relationship?

[squiddie]

I'm sort of surprised at his reaction to you kissing your friend after drinking...it's really not that uncommon in the US. Unfortunately, a lot of it here feels like it's exhibitionism though...guys like us to see it, so we do it because guys will like it, and so on and so forth. I'm going to end that discussion here or else I might go into a feminist rant.

It's funny though, my parents are a lot like yours, and let Penn sleep in my room the few times he's been to my parents', though one time he slept in the basement because my room was too hot (no AC on the second story of my parents' house). We probably would have been okay to share a bed, but since my bed is twin size, it would not have been comfortable. However, at his parents' house, we're in separate rooms, preferably on separate floors, even though they know we sleep in the same room when we're together just the two of us.

I don't know if it necessarily makes us "prudish", but yeah, the US isn't as sexually liberalized as Europe. And probably never will be.

[milaya]

To be honest... Those times my SO and I argue, the most common excuse he uses is: "It's because I'm Japanese." or "It's because you're Danish". Sometimes that's annoying. Ex. Danish people often use rude to talk to each other (friends), without it meant to be mean. My SO and I have some troubles with that, since Japanese people are always so damn polite. Then there's the whole issue with expressing feelings.

Japanese people are also very jealous. So my SO was surprised that I was fine with him having female friends and such, since I'm not a jealous type at all. Sometimes I can feel a bit of that jealous side. Like when I started university and told about my new friends (a lot of those are guys) and I could hear he was trying hard to not say something that could make him sound jealous. Since... well he is used to, when you're in a relationship, you mostly only have friends of the same gender.

Overall we have a lot of culture things to work out and get used to. That's definitely a con... since there's a lot of arguments we wouldn't have had if we were from the same country. Other times, I love being in a intercultural relationship... especially since I love Japan. (which also helps us a lot, since I have a big understanding of many things concerning his culture). Also feel it's a pretty thought that "even though we grew up on different sides of the world, we still met and we still fell in love".

[BluePikachu]

Lol I know these all too well. When my So was supposed to fly down here, I told him he would probably be banished to couch/fold-out bed in the living room and that he probably wouldn't be able to share a bed with me (what with me being 15 and him 16) and he was so confused. So I take it it's normal to share beds over the Atlantic?
Another difference we have is that it's quite common to kiss other peoples cheeks as either greetings or forms of friendship or other sorts of affection in Europe. I already knew this, and I knew my SO had a lot of female friends, and so my friends were freaking the hell out when they saw pictures of him kissin other peoples cheeks. Yes, I was a bit jealous, but it isn't like he was full on making out with them and I know he doesn't fool around behind my back so we're all good ^^

[Silviar]

There are three things that always push buttons in the US: politics, religion, and sex. Sexual discussion is by it's nature considered a moral extension of religion, and since there are so many Christians/conservative households, you can't bring up sex without being treated, well, mostly immaturely. Yes, there are many exceptions, including myself who don't believe sex is a taboo topic at home (my children will always be free to talk about it, even though I know it'll be hard the first time, I promote honestly and an open household). But the pervasive environment is that Sex is embarrassing, and therefore we shouldn't talk about it since it's a private act. And which is why we have so many problems with sex ed in school, teenage pregnancies, and so on.

[noodle]

Other times, I love being in a intercultural relationship... especially since I love Japan. (which also helps us a lot, since I have a big understanding of many things concerning his culture). Also feel it's a pretty thought that "even though we grew up on different sides of the world, we still met and we still fell in love".

I agree with you on that one. I have always loved inter-/multiculuralness. I have been grown bilingual myself, also with the german and croatia mentality and I would love to give that on to my children.
And as you said, grown up on two different continents, far away from each other, different culture, different language and yet you met that person and fell in love
Seems like love really doesnt care about cultural differences lol

[folclor]

well, as I'm from Texas and my boyfriend's from Canada the culture's aren't WAY too different. Except, in the area he lives in, they have a looser view on what point to have sex at. It's never caused problems with us because he's letting me set the pace on when we do what. I truly do appreciate that.

As far as the American's being prudes thing... I really think it depends on your personal and familial morals and the area of the US you live in. ^^; Also, I know if I kissed another girl my boyfriend would be extremely hurt. I think it's less about 'cheating' or anything and more that he probably is a slight bit jealous. ^^; Though one time he came home from a friend's house (before we were officially dating) and told me that he'd gotten a kiss that night. My heart dropped. It turned out to be innocuous, though. His friend's girlfriend slipped and fell toward him, and before he could stop her, her lips touched his. ^^; so not even a proper kiss.

My parents wouldn't let Alex and I stay in the same room, but...I have no problem with that. Yes, it would be annoying (his parents don't seem to mind but they don't exactly know, either, and he said that if they were to know we'd get a talking to, but they wouldn't stop us) but I also understand where my parents are coming from. They don't want me to get hurt, first of all. If you become that intimate with someone and you spend your nights with them, whether or not you have sex, it's going to hurt if the relationship doesn't end up the way you want it to. They really want me to wait on all that stuff, until marriage at least.

Honestly, though, I don't think it's a bad thing to be more restrained in sexuality. Why not save all those things for your love? I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I'm just saying I wouldn't have done it. ^^; Then again, I never want to get drunk, either...but that's also a personal choice. ^^

[loveonspeedial]

I'm European born and raised, and she's black, you do the math!

She's a lot more religious then I am which caused issues at first, she was raised completely different then I was but we don't fight over it, we respect it and learn form each other.

[NaNi]

This has nothing to do with your questions, but I know that kissing somebody "just for fun" would be break up worthy for me. I want my SO to kiss only me. Kissing is a very intimate thing! At least in my eyes. So I'm kinda surprised that your boyfriend didn't react a lot more jealous!

[garnet]

This has nothing to do with your questions, but I know that kissing somebody "just for fun" would be break up worthy for me. I want my SO to kiss only me. Kissing is a very intimate thing! At least in my eyes. So I'm kinda surprised that your boyfriend didn't react a lot more jealous!

I agree with this. Out of respect for your partner, my view is you close yourself off to these things once you're in a relationship.

IMO, in America, at each house you go to, down the block, you will get a different answer about "how it should be." My mother raised me with an open door to my friends, and boyfriends. I appreciated that, and was probably more responsible because of it. I hope to do the same with my own children too.
To make a big generalization, I do think the most conservative place in the US is the south (I lived there for years, I'm not speaking out of my booty).

Rane is Canadian, and his parents seem similar (though perhaps slightly more conservative) to my mother. He and I also think alike. I had a much bigger culture shock with my ex husband, who was raised in the deep south.

[Moon]

How prudish an American is is differentiated by where and how you were raised, and your religious views. This is such a big place that there is no single culture, we're different region by region We ARE definitely more prudish as a whole by European standards though, that's true! When you eventually visit here, you'll be surprised by the differences shown on TV!

The kissing another girl thing isn't an American thing at all, my European guy would probably be very hurt if I did the same.

[noodle]

I had a talk with him yesterday and he said it still bugged him. Not cause of the fact that I kissed her while bein tipsy/drunk its more cause he worries that the next time it will be a guy. And that is cause he has been cheaten on before.
He said at first he did consider breakin up but that it isnt such a big thing to basically break up for since she was a girl.
I do understand NaNi's point of view, I personally haven't seen it this way yet.
I also have to say I was pretty shocked and kinda hurt by his reaction cause I haven been through way worse while he was datin his ex gf and than later another chick and even had his virginity taken from her after datin only a day (if even), and all this time he was tellin me he loves me and that I was the love of his life.
We have talked about it and I know I dont have a right to basically be like "oh but think of what you did" and stuff and it's actually childish in some way but I have explained to him everything and I told him that I know where my lines are and I dont even cross them. I havent before I knew him, I havent when I fell for him and especially now that I am with him I will not cross those lines.
I promised to him that I wont ever do somethin like that again and I am changin my point of view when it comes to that as well.

[Karringtyn]

I also have to say I was pretty shocked and kinda hurt by his reaction cause I haven been through way worse while he was datin his ex gf and than later another chick and even had his virginity taken from her after datin only a day (if even), and all this time he was tellin me he loves me and that I was the love of his life.
.

Not sure if I am understanding this right..is this when you were "friends?"

[noodle]

Not sure if I am understanding this right..is this when you were "friends?"

yes lol and I know its not the same as dating, its a complete different thing but yea... the more I talk about it the more I see the non-sense in what I say -__- ugh
I hope people wont missunderstand me lol

[Andy]

Just to give a male perspective on this - in all honesty I think my reaction would've been very similar to his, I'd have been a bit shocked too. I'd probably talk about it and make my feelings clear on where I'd stand so that you knew it would hurt me if it happened again. I think it's going a bit far to call it cheating but I agree with what NaNi and Garnet both said.

I don't see it as cheating because for me there has to be intent for it to be called that, I mean that you would know that you shouldn't be doing whatever you do because you know your SO would be hurt by it, but this clearly isn't the case here. I think this sort of thing helps couples to realise each other's boundaries with respect to how far one is happy to let the other take things. More of a learning curve really, I guess this is where the culture thing comes into it.

I don't think it's too big a deal and I'm sure he'll be fine about it soon enough. One of those things that ends up making you stronger as a couple