Getting control of being over sensitive?

[D_M]

So I feel like the roller coaster is on a big dip at the moment after a few weeks of up high.

I have a LOT of non-relationship stress happening in my life at the moment so I am pretty overwhelmed on all fronts which has made me exhausted and fragile.

And with my SO I am finding that I am needing reassurance that is not forthcoming. I mean, she is a bit backed off this week but I am flailing as if she'd run off with the neighbor. I feel that, right now, very little she can do would be enough to bring me out of this funk and I am worried I am hanging too much hope on her to lift me up. I don't want to weigh her down and feel I am too reliant on her to lift me up and that's too much pressure.

Sometimes when we have loosely arranged to vidchat, I will get a text saying, "let's not chat tonight I'm tired" or "it's been a bad day" or something. Now it's ok, I don't want to force her to chat when she's not in the mood but I am planning my evening around the vid chat. Sometimes she cancels and I'm thinking, if I had have known I would have done something else, but it's too late now. I feel like a baby being upset by this but it upsets me nonetheless.

It happened tonight, no real solid plans but an expectation. She had had a hard day moving and sent me a brief message, ending "have a good night". I asked if we were chatting later and the reply was, "no sorry tired".
I feel precious being offended by that but if the situation was reversed I'd have said something more explanatory...
It just felt there was something cold in her response.

But even as I write this I think I am being over sensitive. Can someone give me some perspective please?

I am having a lot of trouble getting hold of my emotions. Mentally I can see I need to back off a bit and relax, not read into things. But emotionally, everytime I get a text that is a bit indifferent or not lovey enough, I am freaking out and going into an emotional tailspin.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels like this from time to time, but I would love some tips in how to deal with it before it becomes a toxic influence in our relationship.

I'm just editing this to add the flip side to my over sensitiveness.

[Bestisyettocome]

I am sorry to hear you are going through a difficult time at the moment D_M.

I think it is very normal in an LDR to panic when our SO backs off for a bit and the messages are not as fun and flirty as usual. But as you say, even though our brain knows we are overthinking things, our emotions still take over and cause us great grief! I have felt the worry you are feeling right now and all I can suggest is you take extra care of yourself during this difficult time. Don’t isolate yourself in your misery. Try to keep busy doing things you enjoy and catching up with friends that make you laugh and smile.

Is it possible that your SO is also going through personal turmoil of her own and that is why she has not been as attentive? Or could she be feeling sad that she’s not closer to help and support you?

I hope you can have an open conversation soon to get things off your chest.

[D_M]

Thank you Bestisyettocome,

It helps to hear that others go through similar.

I am sure my SO is going through personal turmoil too, having some difficult decision relating to her future plans re work and study and she worries about making the wrong choice. So I should be more understanding, right?
I don't think she realizes I'm under so much pressure because it is a lot of little things. She knows about some of them, but probably not how heavy a load I am carrying right now.

Thanks for your support.

[travelledtogether]

Hi my advice would be to set a time to video chat daily thats convenient for both of you. I think that might help with you planning your time around if you may/may not chat. Then you also wouldn't feel like your planning your evening around her. If you have a set time/ schedule she's more likely to be aware of not being avialable in advance and give you a heads up then wait until after.

If thats too much then you could do the planned chat but just one day a week, which shouldn't be a problem for her to plan her time around as well. You could also show you are there for her in other ways since it sounds like she is quite busy lately. Book a spa day for her for Valentines day, or as an early gift to help her de-stress.

Hope things look up for you!
Jennifer

[D_M]

Thanks Jennifer,
We both have fairly erratic schedules so planning definite calls too far in advance is difficult but I do love the idea of a day spa gift. I could do with one myself lol.

[vivid_idea]

I hope things are feeling a bit better now. It’s really tough when you are feeling disappointed. I think you need to talk to her, without putting any extra pressure or blame on her. Just say something like, that it’s ok that we both get busy sometimes, but it would be nice to always end the night on a positive note, otherwise I will worry that something is up.

My SO and I are on opposite sides of the globe and have totally opposite time zones. He is waking up mid afternoon for me, and I wake up just as he is going to bed. So we have learnt to always send a msg with a kiss, saying good night or good morning. I think if you are in an LDR, this is standard to expect and I would worry, too, if those msgs weren’t consistent.

I can worry A LOT when something FEELS off to me. In the moment, it doesn’t even seem relevant whether something actually IS off or not 😆

How are things now?

[D_M]

Hi Vivid_Idea,
Things are much the same right now, maybe a bit better. We spoke on the weekend and she was backing off. She worries sometimes that I am going to get to a point where I have had enough and end it or go off with someone else. But she could not be further from the truth. I told her this. We stayed up late talking and by the end of it we were both much happier.
The next day I went to the beach and swam in the sea. Between that and our conversation the previous night, I felt completely different, so much better, happy again.

But a couple of days later, they have entered lockdown and there is other stuff going on for her which is difficult and stressful, as well as some period pain and hormones running rampant and she has asked for some space.

I always try and be supportive, although I admit it is an effort sometimes and I have to revisit recent texts where she is explaining to me her difficulties on her side so that I don't take her lack of interest in chatting as a personal rejection.

She does tell me she loves me (sometimes) but she is not in much of a mood for flirting or being overly mushy. And I miss that. And it hurts me. I think I find it too easy become afraid of breaking up and of losing her. My brain says that's not the case. I don't know what the part of me is that is so terrified.

I still find it very hard but I am not as anxious as I was last week.

And all the comments and support I've had here have helped a LOT. So thank you everyone.

[Redheart14]

When my husband and I were long distance he was in NSW, sometimes I’d need to try not interpret tone through text. It’s very hard not to, I totally understand that. It’s also hard as you don’t want to rely on your SO for your happiness and moods, you need to be responsible for that and don’t want to put that pressure on your SO. We used to schedule our video chats so that both of us had time to work it into our day. A lot of the time we’d either eat dinner together over video chat or have coffee while we chatted. Of course, there were times where things came up and we had to postpone but we made an agreement that if we had to postpone the person who had to postpone had to make a new time for us to video chat. We found that worked well for us.

[Bestisyettocome]

Hi D_M,

IÂ’m glad to hear you guys had the chance to have a good talk over the weekend. On a bad day/week, I can feel similar to your SO and worry that my SO will find someone better, someone closer and leave me. During these moments my guard goes up and my messages lose their fun and loving tone. I donÂ’t do it to hurt him, itÂ’s simply self protection. It sounds like youÂ’ve been wonderful at reassuring your partner you are devoted to her. I hope she settles soon and can see that you are there for her and her only. It sounds like she has a lot on that is weighing her down. Hopefully with patience and reassurance, your happy and mushy SO will return soon!

[D_M]

Thank you Redheart14 and Bestisyettocome for both your perspectives.

This are improving and we are starting to get some of those highs again on the rollercoaster.

I think the problem at the moment is we both have a lot on and we are fatigued. Hopefully in a couple of months we'll both be in a much better place and have more time to just enjoy the positives.

Thanks again to everyone for the support.

[Nneka]

You know I can relate to that thread in many ways. I am too overly sensitive and check out the other aspects of yourself if yu are sensitive in only this relationship or all other aspects. So i am that "all other aspects" person.
If you philosophy, perhaps the long distances and the wait is sometimes given to us, sensitive people, to get accustomed to the other person and "get used", sort of accommodate ourselves into the space.
For a sensitive person, it is sometimes difficult to see the reflection of themselves in your partner, because it "hurts". And wiht long distance, there is always that patience, wait, things said too much and things left unsaid. The dynamic is possibly much different than with your usual next door girl. Relationships are a lot about the balance. So even the expectation of "the positives" will lead us to false hope and another rollecoaster. Go on too many rollercoasters and it will inflict wounds within that are not to be easily repaired. It is ok to accept highs and lows into a space, but also start to find that medium "in sickness and in health" aspect. Much love

[D_M]

You know I can relate to that thread in many ways. I am too overly sensitive and check out the other aspects of yourself if yu are sensitive in only this relationship or all other aspects. So i am that "all other aspects" person.
If you philosophy, perhaps the long distances and the wait is sometimes given to us, sensitive people, to get accustomed to the other person and "get used", sort of accommodate ourselves into the space.
For a sensitive person, it is sometimes difficult to see the reflection of themselves in your partner, because it "hurts". And wiht long distance, there is always that patience, wait, things said too much and things left unsaid. The dynamic is possibly much different than with your usual next door girl. Relationships are a lot about the balance. So even the expectation of "the positives" will lead us to false hope and another rollecoaster. Go on too many rollercoasters and it will inflict wounds within that are not to be easily repaired. It is ok to accept highs and lows into a space, but also start to find that medium "in sickness and in health" aspect. Much love

Thanks Nneka,
Yes, I think part of my over sensitivity is having too high expectation, but at the same time, some of my expectations are reasonable. There are reasons why they are not met and that is ok but it can still be very disappointing when it happens....
But you are right, perhaps I should arrange a vidchat but keep in the back of my mind that she may break the arrangement but remind my self why adn also why I am willing to accept that for all the other good aspect of her and our relationship.
But it's not easy.

[RoxyRoller78]

This thread helped me so much. You sound just like me DM.

[Jen72]

I love this , « my husband» i cant wait until i can securly call my LDR , my husband . I love reading that❤️❤️❤️

[D_M]

This thread helped me so much. You sound just like me DM.

That's great RoxyRoller78, that's what we're all here for, to help each other.
This community has helped me so much too :-)