he cheated

[Puramu]

I always get uncomfortable goosebumps with cheating subjects. But as long as you know for SURE his connection with her has been cut off, can you really rest easy. Trust me, I had to learn that the hard way. If he has her number, make him delete it, act like she never existed.

Also, in no way blame yourself. It was his mistake. But maybe he's lacking something in the relationship (obviously the distance is there), if you haven't already talk it over with him. I don't believe in the once a cheater, always a cheater. People can change if they want to keep the relationship going, I know I did

[stacyrose]

Thanks for all your insight guys...I'm struggling but I'll make it.

[MoonWatcher]

I'm going to apologize ahead of time, but that "men will be men" statement really gets to me. There's no excuse for cheating, man or woman. We are human, and hence we are weak and everyone's right, we MAY (not will - it's not an inevitable or unbeatable thing) slip up. And that deserves forgiveness, understanding, and patience for regrowth. But I don't think just because men can be more directed with sex than with emotions gives them any sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. He's got brains, he can use them! He's not totally powerless against temptation. No one is. Cheating is a serious thing, and it takes two strong people like yourselves to overcome it and move on.

[paulawriteslove]

*hugs* I am so sorry!

[solleftea]

I am so sorry he cheated on you. You have such strength to not be so upset about it. I know people say a kiss is just a kiss but to me it is just totally unacceptable. I would definitely set some boundaries with this girl if you plan to stay together with him and make sure he knows that is it absolutely not okay!

[__ms.jaye]

Oh my goodness, this is just madness it makes me worried everytime i read posts along the subject of cheaters, it's probably one of my worst fears in our relationship... all you can do it try to be as positive as you can and i mean see if he REALLY DOES LOVE YOU and make him earn your respect, love, and trust back don't let him come back to you easy or he'll surely think he can do it again, and he'll walk all over you.

[Elizabeth]

I hope that whatever decision the two of you make, it will be best for the both of you in the long run. If you stay together you will be stronger in your relationship than ever before because of this hardship. If you don't stay together it will prevent each of you from doing further damage to one another and give you a chance to move on.

I hope things work out with you and your SO. Wish you all the best. Stay strong.

[Karringtyn]

Noone knows what they will do until they are in that position. I know this full well.

I am glad he was honest with you and you are trying to work through it....Take care of yourself...and take all the time you need...the ball is in your court now. Follow your heart.

[stacyrose]

Noone knows what they will do until they are in that position.

This. I notice that alot of people seem to know how they will react to something like this happening to them but its always different. It's not so easy to let go of someone you love so much because of one mistake. I always was under the "once a cheater always a cheater" and "those girls are so stupid just dump the asshole" but its never that simple.

[Luisina]

I'm so sorry this happened to you extra strain on you - and your relationship! You REALLY didn't deserve this, so he better be thankful you're a strong person - and step up! big-time!
I've had a few unstable boyfriends so I've gotten quite sensitive and unforgiving when it comes to cheating and my SO understands that..

But you seem at ease with your decision and looks like you two have been together for quite a while... I wish you all best on working it out! It sounds like he's learned from his mistake..

[Lunar Snow]

I'm going to apologize ahead of time, but that "men will be men" statement really gets to me. There's no excuse for cheating, man or woman. We are human, and hence we are weak and everyone's right, we MAY (not will - it's not an inevitable or unbeatable thing) slip up. And that deserves forgiveness, understanding, and patience for regrowth. But I don't think just because men can be more directed with sex than with emotions gives them any sort of get-out-of-jail-free card. He's got brains, he can use them! He's not totally powerless against temptation. No one is. Cheating is a serious thing, and it takes two strong people like yourselves to overcome it and move on.

Thank you so much for saying this! When I have said things like this among peers, it often lands me in hot water. I am very glad, then, that there are others who think the same way.

stacyrose: I am very sorry that this has happened to you and to your relationship. Like others, probably my biggest fear in a relationship is cheating and the resulting damage--so I admire your fortitude, whatever you decide is best for you (and, like some one else sagely put it, you can change your mind).

I have often had boyfriends who have cheated in some way in the past and I know that I should never take a guilty until proven innocent stand-point when in new relationships, but all that baggage can't help but filter in. On the other side of the coin, I am ashamed to admit to emotional cheating on my ex boyfriend (after things had seriously gone awry in the relationship and I was identifying that I needed to be with someone who wasn't making me emotionally unhealthy, though I failed to handle things in the right way--I'm not making an excuse, just recognising now how I could have handled things differently). I can see both sides a bit, perhaps, but really want to invest and reinvest myself in what MoonWatcher is saying and hope for and strive towards employing my free will in an intelligent and caring manner and giving the same trust to my SO. Like a few others have said, I wonder a bit if kissing is all that has happened--sometimes people will confess to partial truths and feel redeemed (but I think you must base that analysis on what he is like, in general). Also, if you do decide to stay with him, he needs to come up with concrete ways to regain your trust and carry them out (vagueries about not doing something again or wanting to rebuild trust are fine and dandy, but they don't actually go anywhere if the person promising them fails to make positive plans and follow through on them).

[Tanja]

I'm sorry he did what he did. As for advice on what to do, no-one can really tell you because no-one is in your shoes right now. I think it's a good sign that he did confess about this even though it was after a month.

There's going to be people saying you can never ever trust him again, he doesn't love you, he doesn't deserve you etc. But just because he had a moment of weakness doesn't mean his feelings for you are less stronger. In fact it could be the exact opposite and after kissing that other girl he might've realized just how much he loves you and needs you and that's the reason he was upfront about it even though he must've known that there's a chance you might end it then and there.

Rebuilding a trust is hard but with time and effort it can be done. You sound like a strong person and you're willing to fight for this relationship which is a great thing. I do believe that people deserve another chance but only once and this time he can't afford to screw it up.

My ex wanted to take me back after I kissed another guy but I said no because even though I knew he loved me and was willing to forgive me and fight I wasn't sure about how I felt about him anymore and thinking about it afterwards I think I made the right decision at that time. These things are always hard and painful for everyone involved but they can be worked on if you're really willing to do that.

I know in my heart I would never ever want to cause that pain to anyone else or to myself again and I think your guy feels the same way.
I hope you can work through this and become an even more stronger couple!

[Karringtyn]

This. I notice that alot of people seem to know how they will react to something like this happening to them but its always different. It's not so easy to let go of someone you love so much because of one mistake. I always was under the "once a cheater always a cheater" and "those girls are so stupid just dump the asshole" but its never that simple.

Exactly.

And the whole "once a cheater always a cheater..." I have lived it...I was the one who cheated..and while I will never excuse my actions...I also know that I would never ever do it again and it was a forever life changing/life altering move.

I cringe when I see people say certain things, because until you are in that position; you never know what the heart will feel and be capable of.

You have my support. I do sincerly wish you the best. If you decide to stay with him...and truly can forgive....of course your guard will be up and the trust was broken...but try to move forward and cling to that love...and COMMUNICATE.

[Čternity]

I really hope it's an opportunity for your relationship to grow. I know he confessed to you which is a great first step. What responsibility did he take for his actions?

So far he's blamed the girl and that he had no choice but to abandon all morals yet he started by asking for a kiss

In his defense he claimed he was certain she would say no, but once she said yes he decided to abandon all morals and follow through with the agreement.

Then you mentioned that 'men will be men' and it was 'his hormones'. So I'd be worried that he doesn't understand or believe that he contributed to this and you're supporting his belief by making excuses for him.

I'd be worried that unless he acknowledges his part in the cheating, it will be tough to move forward. I really hope this works out for you the way you want it to.

[stacyrose]

I really hope it's an opportunity for your relationship to grow. I know he confessed to you which is a great first step. What responsibility did he take for his actions?

So far he's blamed the girl and that he had no choice but to abandon all morals yet he started by asking for a kiss



Then you mentioned that 'men will be men' and it was 'his hormones'. So I'd be worried that he doesn't understand or believe that he contributed to this and you're supporting his belief by making excuses for him.

I'd be worried that unless he acknowledges his part in the cheating, it will be tough to move forward. I really hope this works out for you the way you want it to.

I probably should have worded it differently, I am NOT excusing any of his behavior whatsoever in any manner. I simply told the story the way he told me. If I sound like I'm excusing him for the "men will be men thing"...I'm not.

I asked him alot of questions about it such as, how many times, how was the kiss (like more of a peck, or a makeout ect), what the hell were you thinking, and told him things like it dosnt matter if you thought she would say no, you dont give a demand like that to someone without something inside you hoping for a yes. He was honest and answered all my questions, most of how I found out the story was by me simply asking every detail about what happened. I know him very well so I can tell when he's lying and as for not believing it was more than a kiss....I can pretty much guarantee that I would be able to tell. That's way too much of a secret to hide, even for him.