Hi everyone,
I know it has been a while since I posted here. I've been looking and reading from time to time, but I didn't feel like actively expressing anything. I got quite busy with my work and my kids, and I tried pretty hard to focus on that.
The truth is, I haven't spoken to my SO in 2.5 months. I guess after not speaking for that long, I seem pretty foolish to refer to him as anything other than my ex. Tensions were high during our last exchanges. I barely understood what was wrong back then, but now, I have a better idea. Although the emotional side to it is still something, I struggle to understand. I felt very dense in the end and unable to relate to the turmoil I could see I was putting him through.
If I can learn anything from the experience, the lessons here are that I don't know very much about emotional intimacy and I need to practice honest communication so that I can have a relationship where my partner trusts in me and doesn't always have to guess or decipher what is wrong. I need to learn how to be in touch with my emotions better so that I can give them appropriate meaning in my life, and not have them run rogue.
I think the most important thing I want to take from this experience is learning how to humble myself. I really don't know very much about love or the work it takes to have the kind of incredible connection with a soulmate, the kind that I dream of. It's one thing to fantasize about it but it is quite another to do the work to really get there.
Falling in love with someone long-distance was a bit of a "trying to run before I could walk" situation for me. The added complications that are the cornerstones of LDRs were an unbearable weight that I did not feel equipped to deal with.
After 2.5 months, I can see how hard it would have been for my SO throughout our relationship. Sadly, I couldn't get closer to him. My actions and insecurities and traumas just pushed us further apart. I think that he loved me, or tried to, but I didn't provide him with the relationship experience that he wanted and so he was deeply frustrated and hurt by the end.
Anyway, after such an intense 2.5 years of effort and pain and also love, joy and fun, too, we basically ghosted each other. We argued via text and I told him he deserved to find happiness with another, which he seemed to accept. Breaking up via distance was one of my biggest fears. I can't even write about it without getting emotional. To not be able to properly say goodbye, or experience a final hug is devastating. It's as devastating as I imagined it to be.
Anyway, that's basically what happened for me with my LDR.
The other day I did send him a brief text and I asked him how he was and that I was thinking of him and I missed him. I said that there were things I couldn't see back in the heat of the moment but that I made some mistakes. I said I was sorry. I've said I am sorry THAT many times, though, that it probably means very little to him.
I don't know if it was the wrong thing to do or not. I don't want to make his life difficult anymore. But I thought I should at least be honest and tell him how I feel and that I am sorry. It took him a long time to even open my msg (I get read receipts) despite him being online, and he hasn't replied. It's ok. I waited this long to send it because I wanted to be sure that I could cope if he didn't reply.
I know that I love him and I want to be with him, but it didn't work while I was an emotional wreck and I know he has zero patience left. It probably just means that I should let it go.
Do you think that I did the wrong thing in messaging him? I made sure I didn't put any pressure or ask to get back together. I would think that because he hasn't reached out to me and it's been such a long time that he must have already made up his mind about us. I don't want to sway the thoughts that he came to in our time apart. I just wanted him to know that I am sorry.
I know it has been a while since I posted here. I've been looking and reading from time to time, but I didn't feel like actively expressing anything. I got quite busy with my work and my kids, and I tried pretty hard to focus on that.
The truth is, I haven't spoken to my SO in 2.5 months. I guess after not speaking for that long, I seem pretty foolish to refer to him as anything other than my ex. Tensions were high during our last exchanges. I barely understood what was wrong back then, but now, I have a better idea. Although the emotional side to it is still something, I struggle to understand. I felt very dense in the end and unable to relate to the turmoil I could see I was putting him through.
If I can learn anything from the experience, the lessons here are that I don't know very much about emotional intimacy and I need to practice honest communication so that I can have a relationship where my partner trusts in me and doesn't always have to guess or decipher what is wrong. I need to learn how to be in touch with my emotions better so that I can give them appropriate meaning in my life, and not have them run rogue.
I think the most important thing I want to take from this experience is learning how to humble myself. I really don't know very much about love or the work it takes to have the kind of incredible connection with a soulmate, the kind that I dream of. It's one thing to fantasize about it but it is quite another to do the work to really get there.
Falling in love with someone long-distance was a bit of a "trying to run before I could walk" situation for me. The added complications that are the cornerstones of LDRs were an unbearable weight that I did not feel equipped to deal with.
After 2.5 months, I can see how hard it would have been for my SO throughout our relationship. Sadly, I couldn't get closer to him. My actions and insecurities and traumas just pushed us further apart. I think that he loved me, or tried to, but I didn't provide him with the relationship experience that he wanted and so he was deeply frustrated and hurt by the end.
Anyway, after such an intense 2.5 years of effort and pain and also love, joy and fun, too, we basically ghosted each other. We argued via text and I told him he deserved to find happiness with another, which he seemed to accept. Breaking up via distance was one of my biggest fears. I can't even write about it without getting emotional. To not be able to properly say goodbye, or experience a final hug is devastating. It's as devastating as I imagined it to be.
Anyway, that's basically what happened for me with my LDR.
The other day I did send him a brief text and I asked him how he was and that I was thinking of him and I missed him. I said that there were things I couldn't see back in the heat of the moment but that I made some mistakes. I said I was sorry. I've said I am sorry THAT many times, though, that it probably means very little to him.
I don't know if it was the wrong thing to do or not. I don't want to make his life difficult anymore. But I thought I should at least be honest and tell him how I feel and that I am sorry. It took him a long time to even open my msg (I get read receipts) despite him being online, and he hasn't replied. It's ok. I waited this long to send it because I wanted to be sure that I could cope if he didn't reply.
I know that I love him and I want to be with him, but it didn't work while I was an emotional wreck and I know he has zero patience left. It probably just means that I should let it go.
Do you think that I did the wrong thing in messaging him? I made sure I didn't put any pressure or ask to get back together. I would think that because he hasn't reached out to me and it's been such a long time that he must have already made up his mind about us. I don't want to sway the thoughts that he came to in our time apart. I just wanted him to know that I am sorry.
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