Checking in

[vivid_idea]

Hi everyone,

I know it has been a while since I posted here. I've been looking and reading from time to time, but I didn't feel like actively expressing anything. I got quite busy with my work and my kids, and I tried pretty hard to focus on that.

The truth is, I haven't spoken to my SO in 2.5 months. I guess after not speaking for that long, I seem pretty foolish to refer to him as anything other than my ex. Tensions were high during our last exchanges. I barely understood what was wrong back then, but now, I have a better idea. Although the emotional side to it is still something, I struggle to understand. I felt very dense in the end and unable to relate to the turmoil I could see I was putting him through.

If I can learn anything from the experience, the lessons here are that I don't know very much about emotional intimacy and I need to practice honest communication so that I can have a relationship where my partner trusts in me and doesn't always have to guess or decipher what is wrong. I need to learn how to be in touch with my emotions better so that I can give them appropriate meaning in my life, and not have them run rogue.

I think the most important thing I want to take from this experience is learning how to humble myself. I really don't know very much about love or the work it takes to have the kind of incredible connection with a soulmate, the kind that I dream of. It's one thing to fantasize about it but it is quite another to do the work to really get there.

Falling in love with someone long-distance was a bit of a "trying to run before I could walk" situation for me. The added complications that are the cornerstones of LDRs were an unbearable weight that I did not feel equipped to deal with.

After 2.5 months, I can see how hard it would have been for my SO throughout our relationship. Sadly, I couldn't get closer to him. My actions and insecurities and traumas just pushed us further apart. I think that he loved me, or tried to, but I didn't provide him with the relationship experience that he wanted and so he was deeply frustrated and hurt by the end.

Anyway, after such an intense 2.5 years of effort and pain and also love, joy and fun, too, we basically ghosted each other. We argued via text and I told him he deserved to find happiness with another, which he seemed to accept. Breaking up via distance was one of my biggest fears. I can't even write about it without getting emotional. To not be able to properly say goodbye, or experience a final hug is devastating. It's as devastating as I imagined it to be.

Anyway, that's basically what happened for me with my LDR.

The other day I did send him a brief text and I asked him how he was and that I was thinking of him and I missed him. I said that there were things I couldn't see back in the heat of the moment but that I made some mistakes. I said I was sorry. I've said I am sorry THAT many times, though, that it probably means very little to him.

I don't know if it was the wrong thing to do or not. I don't want to make his life difficult anymore. But I thought I should at least be honest and tell him how I feel and that I am sorry. It took him a long time to even open my msg (I get read receipts) despite him being online, and he hasn't replied. It's ok. I waited this long to send it because I wanted to be sure that I could cope if he didn't reply.

I know that I love him and I want to be with him, but it didn't work while I was an emotional wreck and I know he has zero patience left. It probably just means that I should let it go.

Do you think that I did the wrong thing in messaging him? I made sure I didn't put any pressure or ask to get back together. I would think that because he hasn't reached out to me and it's been such a long time that he must have already made up his mind about us. I don't want to sway the thoughts that he came to in our time apart. I just wanted him to know that I am sorry.

[D_M]

Oh Vivid, I can't say how sorry I am to read this, how sad it made me feel.
You have been a part of this community since I have been and I always felt like your relationship somehow paralleled my own with my SO and we are going through such difficult times right now also.
I don't know how I would feel if we went through the same as you have but I think that you did the right thing to send him the text... I hope at least he can accept your words and find some peace from them.
You are brave and strong being able to look at your self and your faults and the mistakes you have made and to own that. I hope this covid ends and maybe then you get the chance you should have had.
And if that doesn't happen with your SO, I hope the future holds something bright and beautiful for you that you deserve.
You've been a great member of this community, have given me support countless times and I hope you stay and visit.

[vivid_idea]

Hi D_M, thanks for responding. It’s nice to see familiar people popping up

This is a great little community of people who understand the ups and downs of long distance. As we all can attest to, it’s no easy feat.

I still haven’t received any kind of reply from him but I am not surprised, and I prepared myself for it.

I just wish I knew that he was OK. I love him and it makes me worry still...

I don’t want to leave the forum. I’m pretty sure I can still be helpful. Even it’s for suggesting what NOT to do in an LDR lol

What’s it been like for you lately D_M? I hope you are managing to work through things?

[D_M]

I hope you hear from him. I am struggling. That is the short answer :-(

[vivid_idea]

Thanks D_M, so sorry to hear *hugs*

[Bestisyettocome]

I am so sad and sorry to hear your news Vivid. You have always been such an incredible support to this community and I’m sorry you have hit really hard times. Covid has put such extreme added pressure on LDR’s so please be gentle and don’t put so much blame on yourself for your relationship ending. It sounds like you have learnt an incredible amount about yourself and your emotional awareness is really strong. I think this will bring you amazing things in the future.
I hope in time you receive a response from your ex SO. He may also be worried about hurting you further and may not want to lead you on by continuing communication. He may be grieving and not ready for a friendship right now as it’s still raw. But maybe in time he will reach out.
In the meantime, please take care of yourself and don’t be so hard on yourself. These are unprecedented times and navigating an LDR during Covid is heart wrenching xx

[vivid_idea]

Hi Bestisyettocome, I’ve always liked your alias, it’s so uplifting

Thanks for being supportive, but I do blame myself for a lot of it. I’ve been crying a lot. But that’s a good thing maybe because I never used to find it easy to cry. I had a video chat with a friend the other day and there was no stopping the tears. Once upon a time it made me super uncomfortable even the idea of crying in front of someone else, a bit like going to the bathroom in front of someone else lol.

But with the feelings I have for my ex SO, it’s the first time, maybe in my whole life, where I feel more comfortable to just let myself grieve, and not hold it all in. I didn’t realise it was possible to cry so much. It feels bad and good at the same time. Hopefully it means I am developing a deeper emotional connection with myself, which is what I need to do. As I am realising, I can’t hope to be deeply connected with another if I can’t deeply connect with myself.

Again, thanks for your kind words. It helps a lot.

[kate04]

I'm so sad to read this my darling.
Massive virtual hugs.

The 'blame' is not entirely yours so please don't think that.

Lots of love xxx

[vivid_idea]

Thank you Kate, appreciate it. How is everything going for you??

[kate04]

It’s a challenge to say the least. Up and down. I struggle a lot and I don’t like myself much sometimes. To be absolutely honest, I’m hanging on in there because I need to spend time with him. It would be healthier to finish it I think (mentally for me) but I just can’t until we’ve met. I would feel cheated! This doesn’t make sense I know!

[vivid_idea]

It makes complete sense Kate. Of course you want to see it through at least until you have met in person. I understand the mental fatigue, believe me I do.

Even having met a couple of times I don’t feel like we got to “see it through” either. I would have loved to spend more time with my ex SO in person, and so I feel bitterly disappointed about that.

I have sent him a few messages and I tried to call him last night when he was online, but he ignored me. It hurts but he wants his space.

[kate04]

I don’t think your story is over, Vivid. I think covid has sent us all a little crazy, panicky, anxious… the whole gamut of emotions. I know it has me for sure. Hang on in there. I honestly believe things will get better before the end of the year. It’s so hard, knowing what to do for the best. We have little control at the best but f times where there’s distance involved, but having no control at all… very few people could deal with this.
You’re strong, you’ve learnt a lot about yourself (and him!) just a few more months …

[Jen72]

Hey Vivid ,i think its wonderful you are sharing your experience. Thank you, i learn a lot from your honesty and experience ❤️You say earlier that you have learned to be more emotionally connected to to your self, thats positive progress and you should see that relationships good or bad help us grow as individuals even when we dont realize .
You have reached out to him and you think hes moved on since hes giving you the silent treatment, id like to think hes just being protective of his emotions scared to open up again . Give it some time , i think if someone really has moved on they would block you and unfreind you on their social media, but thats just my oppinion . Is it called Ghosting ? When they just give you the silent treatment ? He he . Anyways i think you are so brave , opening up and sharing like you do it shows maturity and insight into who you are and as the saying goes « know thy self «. I hope he realizes how much you miss him and still love him and he forgives you for just being simply human . ❤️Hugs

[vivid_idea]

Thank you to both of you for your very encouraging and supportive comments. They give me a lot of comfort.

I could use a little bit of advice actually...

Last I mentioned was that I had tried to call him after sending him several long and emotional messages. He didn't answer (I didn't expect him to) but the following day he sent me a short paragraph. I felt like it was quite an angry message but he also was very composed. He said that he still feels like I am making everything about myself and that he didn't know if he could or would want to trust me. He said that a lot of damage was done over a long time and much of which is probably irreparable. He accused me of having 'just a change of mind" and he said things wouldn't be washed away so easily.

So the advice I need is this: I know this sounds like a pretty hopeless message, but because he didn't say "It's over, and you need to move on. Please leave me alone" I see some hope here and I am clinging onto it for dear life. Am I wrong to hope here? I was just so excited to finally hear from him that I sent him a message back soon after addressing what he said, and I thanked him for getting in touch. He read those messages but didn't reply.

The next day I sent him something very light, just saying I was thinking of him and I sent him a cute meme and even made a silly joke at the end. There isn't even a read-receipt for those ones. Is it wrong of me to try to send light and cute things? Do you think it will come across as insensitive? Do you think he just wants me to leave him alone? I am completely in the dark and I have no idea what he wants. I've thought of sending him a message asking him what he wants but I think he might see it as me being pushy again.

Any advice would be appreciated. I am lost right now

[Woweth]

I feel for you. Even an angry message would be better than radio silence, In my opinion. I don’t think it’s fair of him to ignore you like this, regardless of what he may think of you or feel, you’re obviously still trying, and taking accountability for whatever he may be upset about it, and that is something worth appreciating in my opinion. You deserve closure, whether that may be him telling you it’s the end once and for all, or him agreeing to find a way to continue. Silence isn’t good for anyone. I would give him a few days, see if he replies to what you’ve said.

If not, you could possibly give him a ‘final’ sort of message. Just lay it on the line for him, that you’re willing to still fix things and move on, and you will be there if he decides the same, but if he doesn’t want that, then you realise it’s over, that you know you deserve a response and at least a proper goodbye after a several year long relationship, but if he wants to be that way it’s his loss. He obviously seems to be holding a lot of resentment, maybe he doesn’t know how to express it to you, but if you feel it’s still worth trying, then by all means, keep doing it. If he starts engaging with you more and responding to your efforts, that’s fantastic, but if not, you shouldn’t go on like this. You deserve better than to just be ignored. If he really wants to fix things in future with you he won’t continue on that path.

Best of luck, I sincerely hope you can work things out with him, and get to finally reunite some day soon.