30+ Boyfriend likes to party abroad - need advice

[SarahJones]

Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum, but in LDR and have a question, hopefully someone can shed some light on how to handle this.

My boyfriend (35) is quite well of (because of the family) and has a hobby of travelling. He goes to about 3-4 expeditions a year (skiing, rally etc in deserted locations), which I am fine with. However, once or twice a year he travels to a location in Europe, where he meets those others adventurists and where they party for a couple of days.

In combination with the fact that he wont post any pictures/ posts on Facebook with me (even if I tag him, says its private); cant plan any holidays together (because he makes decisions on things that fill up his time without speaking with me); and party, make me feel he is either unsure about me, or just likes his bachelors life.

So I am wondering if there is a commitment issue?

That said: he comes to visit almost every month, and I go to visit him often too. He is very attentive, calls and text every day, send flowers, bring gifts from expeditions and takes to/ cooks romantic dinners. Introduced me to the family after 6 month (although said he has introduced all previous girlfriends too) and family is texting me all the time, asking how I am and telling me they love me. That said we have not discussed what will happen after I finish my studying in 6 month and whether we will be closing the distance soon or discussed what challenges we may face.

Any ideas on how to handle this welcome
Thanks for reading!

[Hollandia]

Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum, but in LDR and have a question, hopefully someone can shed some light on how to handle this.

My boyfriend (35) is quite well of (because of the family) and has a hobby of travelling. He goes to about 3-4 expeditions a year (skiing, rally etc in deserted locations), which I am fine with. However, once or twice a year he travels to a location in Europe, where he meets those others adventurists and where they party for a couple of days.

In combination with the fact that he wont post any pictures/ posts on Facebook with me (even if I tag him, says its private); cant plan any holidays together (because he makes decisions on things that fill up his time without speaking with me); and party, make me feel he is either unsure about me, or just likes his bachelors life.

So I am wondering if there is a commitment issue?

That said: he comes to visit almost every month, and I go to visit him often too. He is very attentive, calls and text every day, send flowers, bring gifts from expeditions and takes to/ cooks romantic dinners. Introduced me to the family after 6 month (although said he has introduced all previous girlfriends too) and family is texting me all the time, asking how I am and telling me they love me. That said we have not discussed what will happen after I finish my studying in 6 month and whether we will be closing the distance soon or discussed what challenges we may face.

Any ideas on how to handle this welcome
Thanks for reading!

If funds are not an issue, why can't you go with him sometimes instead of just going there to see him? I don't see a problem with him having his alone time as long as some of his partying is done with you too. Four times a year is not that bad, but perhaps half of the four you could do together and the other half his alone time? He can party without you in his own country too , every day if he wants to, I don't think the travel really should matter since funds are not relevant. I think trust is first and foremost in any relationship but even more so in an LDR. You have to trust he will not play single whether he is in Norway or the land of half naked women in Rio. If you don't then that would be the biggest concern for me. I would just have a discussion about how this is important to you and you would like to be able to experience this with him too some of the times he goes but not all.

[SarahJones]

Thanks for comment Hollandia.
You see, we don't share finances and I cannot afford to travel to half the places he can travel to, plus its usually a boys thing, so girlfriends are not invited.

But I agree about trust. I have been hurt before, so scared. But I know I have to get over it and give him a chance.

[Jess!]

Hello, Sarah!
I do understand you... In fact that is one of the things that I am learning how to deal with since the whole LDR thing. My partner does a lot of travelling compared to me. His country is rather small and I think his transportation/commute is for free, so he gets to see a lot of friends very often, a lot more than we see each other, and a lot more than I get to see my friends. The other day he had some Erasmus friends visiting and they went all together to Germany on a road trip. I cannot put my finger on it, but when he does this things (although he is very attentive to me!) I really feel sad and depressed because I never have the opportunity to to all those super exciting stuff. Im studying and working and I have no free time and very little money. It sucks when he visits me and in the next weeked is already with new people. Makes me feel I am not as important. But I know this is my insecure/jerk-brain working. Because in a normal situation I would be super glad that the person I love the most is having such a fun time!

So my advice basically is try to get through that. It is really hard, but believe me. I hurt my partner a lot when I said how I was feeling about feeling like the only person in his life (and the closest) which was not sharing with him such exciting moments. then I understood this is not his problem. It's my problem because, as your partner, he does everything he can to make me feel I am part of all that, when I cannot be there.

Also, I've been hurt before and that explains part of my behaviour. Give him a chance. He sounds awesome and we have to have a life withing the monthly 3-4 days visits. (I'm in that situation too).

I hope I helped you with my sort of advice. When I feel like you do I wish someone could tell me their experience, as I tried here.
Hugs and greetings from Portugal!

Keep your head up good luck!

[Hollandia]

Thanks for comment Hollandia.
You see, we don't share finances and I cannot afford to travel to half the places he can travel to, plus its usually a boys thing, so girlfriends are not invited.

But I agree about trust. I have been hurt before, so scared. But I know I have to get over it and give him a chance.

Can he not change some of his trips to a couples one for you two and pay to take you? I would certainly ask if my SO could afford it. Heck, baby take me to places....I love to travel and now the only place I go is from here to there. You too, correct? Maui here I come. If you marry someday would he not take his wife with him sometimes? If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to get to be there when you went skiing, scuba diving or such?

[SarahJones]

Hi Jess,
I could not believe reading your post, it was like you read my mind! Thank you for your support, this has been really helpful! I am here for you when you need the support

[Jess!]

Hi Jess,
I could not believe reading your post, it was like you read my mind! Thank you for your support, this has been really helpful! I am here for you when you need the support

I added you to my contacts my first, actually. I am still getting through that all... I just wrote you how I feel! I am very emotional, rather than rational and my partner is the opposite. So I talk to him in a calm/"we're-a-team" tone and explain what I feel even if it is wrong. Then he will give me his perspective. For example, on how he cannot do any more than he is already doing, otherwise he wouldn't have time for himself. And I even feel guilty sometimes, but going through it once, twice, will gradually help you to feel better and accept it. (but this shouldn't be a cycle where you'd always have this on your mind. It's just an evolution, a process...) I hope I was clear!

Whenever you feel like this and you want to share with someone, you can share that with me. For me it is hard that none of my friends is in a LDR. Because seeking for advice is like asking a vegetarian how does meat tastes like.
I hope you get better and live your life to the fullest!

Do you happen to know Laura Marling? Since you're from England? Because she is my greater help... I just listen to her songs and I feel better. Like when she sings in "Donk Ask Me Why":
Those of us who are lost and low
I know how you feel
I know it's not right but it's real

Music is a saviour to me, specially in my LDR. I hope you also find a way of getting confort
I hope I helped you and welcome to the forum!

[SarahJones]

Well I am not a good skier, scared of heights and afraid of scuba diving, so its hard to imagine
He says he will soon, but it has been going on for a while and we were not able to actually pin anything down since like 6 month

[lucybelle]

I think it sounds like a boys thing. My SO likes to go play pool and watch fights with his buddies. It's sort of the same thing except your SO has more money so he goes fancier places. My mom has friends from high school who ditch their wives twice a year to go hang out somewhere new. How long are the trips for? I think you guys should plan a trip together. Save up the money. Feel more included. But let him have his trips.

[Hollandia]

Well I am not a good skier, scared of heights and afraid of scuba diving, so its hard to imagine
He says he will soon, but it has been going on for a while and we were not able to actually pin anything down since like 6 month

Ah, I only ask because you are concerned of his travel partying. Is it that you just don't want him to go at all so much? Do you think he would party more while away with friends or is there some other reason why you are concerned with these trips?

[Hollandia]

I think it sounds like a boys thing. My SO likes to go play pool and watch fights with his buddies. It's sort of the same thing except your SO has more money so he goes fancier places. My mom has friends from high school who ditch their wives twice a year to go hang out somewhere new. How long are the trips for? I think you guys should plan a trip together. Save up the money. Feel more included. But let him have his trips.

Is it just boys? That would be something totally different if it was versus if it was co-ed. I just think she said "adventurists" which to me was co-ed. Ooops, nm. She said it usually was. Please disregard.

[SarahJones]

I added you to my contacts my first, actually. I am still getting through that all... I just wrote you how I feel! I am very emotional, rather than rational and my partner is the opposite. So I talk to him in a calm/"we're-a-team" tone and explain what I feel even if it is wrong. Then he will give me his perspective. For example, on how he cannot do any more than he is already doing, otherwise he wouldn't have time for himself. And I even feel guilty sometimes, but going through it once, twice, will gradually help you to feel better and accept it. (but this shouldn't be a cycle where you'd always have this on your mind. It's just an evolution, a process...) I hope I was clear!

Whenever you feel like this and you want to share with someone, you can share that with me. For me it is hard that none of my friends is in a LDR. Because seeking for advice is like asking a vegetarian how does meat tastes like.
I hope you get better and live your life to the fullest!

Do you happen to know Laura Marling? Since you're from England? Because she is my greater help... I just listen to her songs and I feel better. Like when she sings in "Donk Ask Me Why":
Those of us who are lost and low
I know how you feel
I know it's not right but it's real

Music is a saviour to me, specially in my LDR. I hope you also find a way of getting confort
I hope I helped you and welcome to the forum!

I didn't know the singer, but I thought the song was really nice! Music is a healer. Listen to Lene Marlin as well, I like many songs from her

In regards to LDR in general, people don't understand because there is this stigma, that everyone has, that LDR's don't really work, but I must disagree. It works for those who want to make it work. But its hard to find support as you have to be in one of those relationships to really understand what its like not being able to spend time with the person you love anytime you want.

I am wondering if we are not dating the same guy, as my boyfriend says the same! I hope you guys will work it out, talking and discussing things together definitely helps!

[SarahJones]

I think it sounds like a boys thing. My SO likes to go play pool and watch fights with his buddies. It's sort of the same thing except your SO has more money so he goes fancier places. My mom has friends from high school who ditch their wives twice a year to go hang out somewhere new. How long are the trips for? I think you guys should plan a trip together. Save up the money. Feel more included. But let him have his trips.

From what I have seen (pictures), those are mostly boys. He says occasionally there are crazy girls that join them, but not often. I am ok with expeditions, just worried of the partying When he went last time, I was quite worried about where/ how and who.

[SarahJones]

Ah, I only ask because you are concerned of his travel partying. Is it that you just don't want him to go at all so much? Do you think he would party more while away with friends or is there some other reason why you are concerned with these trips?

Expeditions are ok, I did say to him from the first day that I understand this is who he is and he feels a sense of achievement. It all those other parties abroad that I am not too keen on. I know that now while we are dating it may be ok, but looking into the future (and yes we don't know how thins will turn out), I would be concerned with being left alone, while the husband goes partying across Europe.

[Jess!]

I didn't know the singer, but I thought the song was really nice! Music is a healer. Listen to Lene Marlin as well, I like many songs from her

In regards to LDR in general, people don't understand because there is this stigma, that everyone has, that LDR's don't really work, but I must disagree. It works for those who want to make it work. But its hard to find support as you have to be in one of those relationships to really understand what its like not being able to spend time with the person you love anytime you want.

I am wondering if we are not dating the same guy, as my boyfriend says the same! I hope you guys will work it out, talking and discussing things together definitely helps!

I will check the singer! Laura Marling is just the best. She has something dark in her musics, but her voice is lovely. Its a healer for sure!
Ahah, my partner is a dutchie sometimes I wonder if men are by nature more rational than women? It is hard to separate when the gender stereotypes are true or myth.
That is why this community is so important, as I see it. LDR can work! It depends on the effort the couple does.
We are very fine, thank you I hope you too!