30+ Long Distance with Kids

[SugarBooger]

Hi everyone, my SO is a single dad who pretty much has his kids full time (the mother is in the picture and does spend time with them) I recently went there to meet him for the first time. I paid for the flight hotels and he lost his job so I even split checks when we went out and treated a couple of times. I was with him for an amazing five days. He was going to come visit me here in NY for Fourth of July weekend and bring his kids. His kids are great. I did get to meet them and for nine months I have seen them on FaceTime and joked with them and stuff via social media. But since him and I met I feel like our relationship is on a new level and I am very excited to get to know him on a more intimate level. I accept that him and his kids are package deal but I'm not ready to build a relationship with them
Until I've built a solid relationship with him first. I wanted to show him where I grew up and tell him personal stories about my life and get to know each other on this new personal level. I also don't feel
Comfortable being affectionate with him in front of them yet. And now that we have met all we want to do is touch each other so it would be very difficult of a visit. I feel like I would be a tour guide on their trip here more than the trip would be for us. And he isn't listening to what I'm saying. He thinks I just don't accept his kids and I'm pushing them away. I'm just not ready yet. It's a big adjustment for me as well and he isn't taking my feelings into consideration.
He can come alone but he won't come without them and sometimes I feel like he's forcing my relationship with them. He cares more about my relationship with his kids than he does about my relationship with him. So now he isn't coming and I'm very hurt especially since I just went there and spent all that money (my choice and I don't regret it). I feel like he's being selfish and not respecting my feelings. I do want to be in their life but I'm just not ready yet. And he said that we've been together for nine months but I feel as though finally meeting and getting physical, really bright things to a new plane. Especially since I am considering uprooting my life to be with him and his kids. His ex can take them for that weekend so that's not an issue. Am I being completely unreasonable here?

[sasad]

Hmmm I am a single parent as well as being a step parent to 3 kids..
Dating a parent is difficult and has a whole different set of issues.
How old are his kids and how many are you talking about? I assume they are older as you mentioned social media.
He and his kids ARE a package deal. Are you being unreasonable? I don't know. I do know that kids are going to always be a part of life. Its not up to you to pick and choose when he sees his kids. You will most likely end up loosing that battle.
9 months is an acceptable amount of time to get to know his kids and interact with his kids. That you are going to feel like a tour guide makes it seem like you are resenting his kids. I am pretty sure he has court approved visitation schedules and to ask him to change it for you is so totally not fair.
There are other times that you could possibly meet up with him alone? And again, to be honest, that he is even planning stuff with his kids and you is amazing. We don't just introduce and plan trips with our kids with just anybody. You really should feel pretty damn happy he is comfortable enough to do this.

I am all over with this text and I am sorry.... bottom line is... Be happy he wants to include you in his life with his kids. Its been 9 months, so not sure what your next level is with him.. Having alone time is scheduled off visitations, so you need to get used to that.
So yes, in some ways you are a little unreasonable and I don't know if you are quite ready for the step mom role tbh...

[SugarBooger]

This is a big adjustment so no I'm not ready to be a stepmom but that doesn't mean I never will be. We aren't engaged. We only just actually met a couple
Of weeks ago. The dynamic is completely different now. There is no court appointed anything. They are teenagers so they pretty much see their mom when they want which is not often. He is really great at giving me attention and things like that but can't their be an adjustment period for the significant other too? Everyone always talks about the kids needing to adjust to a new "parent" but what about a single person with no kids all of a sudden being a major influence on someone else's child? That's a huge deal and a lot of pressure. Our second visit and we don't get to spend any alone time. I guess I just figured that the first few visits would be us developing intimacy and the new level of our relationship before the kids were involved more steadily. I'm willing to move 800 miles for this guy and he isn't having much compassion for the big changes I am making. I am
Happy to do it and I love him but when I address my concerns to him I would like an understand and compassionate ear. Whether a person has kids or not that should be something anyone does.

[sasad]

That makes sense..... And I can totally understand where you are coming from that way.. especially ass teenagers and no fixed visitation. It does take time to ease into kid mode.

Maybe suggest half the time with just you two and kids later?? Or send the kids back halfway through??

[SugarBooger]

The problem is anytime I bring up spending time with him alone or having video chat privately he automatically jumps into "you have to accept my kids" mode. maybe my perception is off here. Maybe I'm an ass

[sasad]

Dear God, I hope he is not being that way.... that is a wee bit pushy. And you have only met twice in person??

[SugarBooger]

We only met once. I flew there and racked up a pretty crazy bill to boot. We had a blast and we fell even more in love.
Now he is coming to ny
Well I guess not anymore
I wanted to show him my life. I got to see his and I want him to see mine. I don't want or second visit to be me and his kids all day and night. I don't want them to hear my childhood stories or see where I got wasted when I was sixteen. All things that make me who I am and I want him to learn about me.

[sasad]

That is not too much to ask for too be honest. It still should be learning about each other in person at this point.
So yes, I would have to agree with you right now, as a parent...

[SugarBooger]

Thank you, I really would hate to sound like a selfish brat and if I were being one I could definitely take that criticism lol

[differentcountries]

Disclaimer; this is not about kids, but about accepting lack of privacy on visits. When I started dating SO, I quickly realized that him and his friends and family are a package deal. His roomates where usually all over our Skype convos, and on the visits I was asked some pretty intrusive questions by people I had never seen before in my life (in a language I did not speak). On my first visit to him (apart from the travel where I met him), I had to wait 6 hours to get alone time with him, not counting the time on the airportbus where he hardly deered hold my hand lol. I was eating dinner with his friends almost every day. I was drinking with his friends. Heck, on the second visit I was even COOKING for his friends. There is no way I could have gone "sorry, I want you, not the friends". We did not have the money for a hotel, and it would also be kind of rude and dismissive to say "I want you but not the friends". On my 3rd visit there was no friends, but there were inlaws, siblings, aunts and a grandmother. It was not until my 4th visit that we had a hotel room, could have loud sex and "really" be a couple, which was 8 months after we first met.... The setup seems strange now that I think of it, we really did not have much privacy on those first visits but it did not feel weird. I loved to be with him in public and to get accepted by the people who meant something to him. My last visit to him was us sleeping in his parents' old bed, which is not romantic nor comfortable but still sharing that bed and looking at baby pics of him is something that bring things to a whole new level. That is, if those levels are interesting and not just scary where you are.

Visiting him and getting him all to yourself is wonderful. Visiting him and seeing how he is with the people that means a lot to him is also important. I can see being weary about getting to know the kids, but I would feel very honored that he wanted to. I would probably just go with his flow on this one. I have never objected to see anyone in SOs life, not even people who were very sceptical of me. I know that my willingness to open is is part of the reason he is considering sharing his life with me. I believe that merging social circles is the most important thing to see if the relationship holds a future.

[sasad]

Did he get a job yet?

[2Rocky]

I'm going to resurrect this thread since both my SO and I have children. She has two Teenagers in high School while my kids still at home are 16 and 10.

I met her kids in her home when I first visited her at her home. The teens have usually found an excuse to spend the night at a friend's house when I've been over so we have had alone time together.

Since they are teens, I've just talked to them like adults and had conversations about their hobbies and activities. Nothing too in depth. A few waves and hello's while their mother and I FaceTimed.

They know, and their friends know I'm "Mom's Boyfriend" .

Now My youngest has spoken to my SO on Face time a couple times in passing. Not sure that she knows much more than she is my "Friend". Actually don't know what my Ex and older girls know, since when she comes to visit we have always gone elsewhere for trips. Not sure how the introduction is going to go but I plan for it to happen End of February.

Looking for the best way for this to happen since this is the first "new woman" my kids will meet other than platonic female friends.

[R&R]

I'm going to resurrect this thread since both my SO and I have children. She has two Teenagers in high School while my kids still at home are 16 and 10.

I met her kids in her home when I first visited her at her home. The teens have usually found an excuse to spend the night at a friend's house when I've been over so we have had alone time together.

Since they are teens, I've just talked to them like adults and had conversations about their hobbies and activities. Nothing too in depth. A few waves and hello's while their mother and I FaceTimed.

They know, and their friends know I'm "Mom's Boyfriend" .

Now My youngest has spoken to my SO on Face time a couple times in passing. Not sure that she knows much more than she is my "Friend". Actually don't know what my Ex and older girls know, since when she comes to visit we have always gone elsewhere for trips. Not sure how the introduction is going to go but I plan for it to happen End of February.

Looking for the best way for this to happen since this is the first "new woman" my kids will meet other than platonic female friends.

Honesty is the best policy. My kids were younger (6 & 7) the first time they met my ex-SO. They had talked to him on webcam before he actually came out to visit. They knew beforehand that this was my boyfriend, so when they met in person, I only had to say "This is Marc". We expect honesty from our kids and we should give them the same.

[erwin1973]

My SO has a daughter, who is 10 year old now. We see each other on Skype when her mother and I cam. Unfortunately her daughter does not speak Enghlish beyond 'hi' and 'all okay'. But she shows up every time and my SO keeps her updated about the things we talk. We know it's a package and both her daughter and me are happy to accept each other in our (hopefully future) role and get to know each other better when my SO and I will finally meet.

But yeah, everyone is different and what works for one, doesn't neccesarily work for somebody else... Although I agree honesty is key. But that is always the case.

[TaraMarie]

So I am going to give my perspective having lived through the same thing....but on the opposite side from the OP. I have three children (26, 16 and 14). Almost four years ago, when we realized he was going to be in my life permanently, we got to talking about the children. He has never had any, nor did he want any, and quite honestly he was not happy. He told me he wanted no part of the children. I was floored.....how could he NOT want to be involved with them? They were THE best, THE brightest, THE sweetest kids in the world and WE were a PACKAGE deal. After many arguments and tears (on my part), and me telling him it was all or nothing....he finally met the two youngest on FaceTime.......and realized they were pretty cool kids. Fast forward a year, and he had met all of them in person and suddenly he thought they were great, Here we are almost five years later, married, and he's the step dad...and happy to tell people that. I realize NOW that HE was scared of my children. He was sure they wouldn't like him and I Would pick THEM over him. He never liked children before, so why would this be any different? Now I am aware of how I PUSHED them on him....and NOW i realize that he had no choice but to accept them If he wanted me. Fortunately for us...it's worked out wonderfully. He and my eldest are buddies. He and my middle daughter are two peas in a pod with SO much in common and he and my son have a mutual love and respect for each other. Now, I won't say we NEVER have problems... All families do. We are fortunate that my ex husband always backs up my husband so we never have a problem there like others do, but families have to figure things out as they go along. As far as the OP......her SO has to give her some time, She needs to adjust on her own time schedule. And she's RIGHT.....you have to be a couple first.....just like "regular" married couples were a couple BEFORE they were parents. In the same vein, OP needs to understand that her SO is excited to share his new love with his children. He probably thinks she is AMAZING and wants his kids to feel the same way. I know that's how it was for me.