Long Distance with Kids

[sasad]

Honesty is the best policy. My kids were younger (6 & 7) the first time they met my ex-SO. They had talked to him on webcam before he actually came out to visit. They knew beforehand that this was my boyfriend, so when they met in person, I only had to say "This is Marc". We expect honesty from our kids and we should give them the same.

THIS! That is also how mine worked out... although we were friends first as my son was going through a lot of stress. But, he (my son) was the one that actually told us both to date, and even recommended an Italian restaurant that my SO should take me too...
Honesty-- things don't get messy if you tell the truth..

[Sparkling72]

I have 2 sons, 12 and 14. SO has 3 kids, 14(g), 17(b) and 19(b). I never hid SO from my kids when we talked on the phone or facetime even when we were only friends. They'd ask, I'd tell them.. every now and then, I'd ask if they wanted to say hi and sometimes yes, sometimes no. When it became more, I let them know. My kids are like me, very open and accepting. His first few visits we planned when it was their dad's weekend until we were sure we were going further. Then I introduced him and they took to him instantly. SO is military, his ex has always been civilian military and when they split, she went off the deep end and took a job overseas and took the kids with her (long separate story). Again, his ex is psycho, and made me out to be a hooker that's addicted to crack with nothing more than a 3rd grade education and what not... but slowly they began to realize mom's crazy... so before they moved, I made a trip out special to meet them. After discovering that I'm not really a crack smoking lady of the night, but that I do work for NASA... they thought I was so cool. It's fine line with kids - but I honestly think that if you're a parent, then you know how to relate to kids and realize that they are kids, they will eventually grow older and can see things for themselves. With his kids, it was tough, and still is, his ex is so nasty! anyway, honesty and lots of patience and understanding!

[sasad]

I have 2 sons, 12 and 14. SO has 3 kids, 14(g), 17(b) and 19(b). I never hid SO from my kids when we talked on the phone or facetime even when we were only friends. They'd ask, I'd tell them.. every now and then, I'd ask if they wanted to say hi and sometimes yes, sometimes no. When it became more, I let them know. My kids are like me, very open and accepting. His first few visits we planned when it was their dad's weekend until we were sure we were going further. Then I introduced him and they took to him instantly. SO is military, his ex has always been civilian military and when they split, she went off the deep end and took a job overseas and took the kids with her (long separate story). Again, his ex is psycho, and made me out to be a hooker that's addicted to crack with nothing more than a 3rd grade education and what not... but slowly they began to realize mom's crazy... so before they moved, I made a trip out special to meet them. After discovering that I'm not really a crack smoking lady of the night, but that I do work for NASA... they thought I was so cool. It's fine line with kids - but I honestly think that if you're a parent, then you know how to relate to kids and realize that they are kids, they will eventually grow older and can see things for themselves. With his kids, it was tough, and still is, his ex is so nasty! anyway, honesty and lots of patience and understanding!

Bbwwuuhahah. We must have had like sister s for ex wife's.. Her kids were told to call me, NOT Virginia Mom (their choice) but Virginia Whore. Yup. That was lovely coming out of a 4 year old mouth. ANd yes, kids are not dumb. Took a few years, but they grew up and still, to this dat, see there mom as a whack job. We do the best we can!

[erwin1973]

I am afraid my ex is going to do the same with my son towards my SO. But that is a wait-and-see.

[Venuslove106]

This is a big adjustment so no I'm not ready to be a stepmom but that doesn't mean I never will be. We aren't engaged. We only just actually met a couple
Of weeks ago. The dynamic is completely different now. There is no court appointed anything. They are teenagers so they pretty much see their mom when they want which is not often. He is really great at giving me attention and things like that but can't their be an adjustment period for the significant other too? Everyone always talks about the kids needing to adjust to a new "parent" but what about a single person with no kids all of a sudden being a major influence on someone else's child? That's a huge deal and a lot of pressure. Our second visit and we don't get to spend any alone time. I guess I just figured that the first few visits would be us developing intimacy and the new level of our relationship before the kids were involved more steadily. I'm willing to move 800 miles for this guy and he isn't having much compassion for the big changes I am making. I am
Happy to do it and I love him but when I address my concerns to him I would like an understand and compassionate ear. Whether a person has kids or not that should be something anyone does.

You have a very valid point Sugar. When I first plunged myself back into the dating hot tub after my divorce, my daughter was 10 and I knew I wanted to keep her from anyone I dated unless I was sure how I felt about them and that they were likely to be around for a while. My ex hardly ever had her, so it was a challenge, but I only went on dates when she was with her dad. Of course, since it sounds like your SO has included the kids right from the start, I agree with the other members who have said he is very excited about you and feels strongly enough about you that he has included his kids in your relationship and is feeling like your requests not to have them around is making him defensive. Maybe if you ask him for some private time because you want to have some intimate time with him? See what he says...maybe put the focus on the positives of having that alone time with him instead of a negative one, where its focusing on excluding the kids. I hope it works out! It sounds like you have something special!