Well, im a new member here. Just think its time to hear some other people's opinion on what is going on.
This has been an ongoing problem for quite a while, its an issue to do with going out with friends on weekends and such, time apart, time away from the internet and thus more intimate communication.
Initially, it felt like we both had some trust issues, worry about wether the other would stay faithful or not.
I have a relatively close friendship group, I used to go out with them, usually to pubs and basically be social with them. Of course I dont do this so much anymore, because I have to balance my time between spending time with my friends/family and spending time with Vera, my SO.
Over time, I feel like I have been able to be more confident on trusting her. No point worrying about something that I cant necessarily prevent, eh?
The main problem, is dealing with my partner when I go out. It gets difficult sometimes, if I get a phone call from a friend asking if I want to come to the pub and be social for a bit, having to explain this to my SO, and of trying to convince her not to be worrying about me all night, and wondering if im going to be faithful. Every time I went out, I wud send her messages, telling her who was there, what I was doing, where I was. When I would come back, it was like "question and answer time" so to speak.
As the months go by, the same thing persists, every time I go out, its the same talk, the same discussion, the same convincing. As a result I stopped seeing my friends as much (it felt easier...), my friends ofcourse didnt take this too kindly either, however that is another story.
Last weekend, I had finished the last of my 1st semester exams and went for a drink with a mate of mine from my uni course, I texted my SO, saying that I wud be back soon as I was just leaving to go home, I got no reply. I came home and she was away from msn, I hung around for over 3 hours (surfing net, playing games, ready to talk as soon as she came on) but she never came on, I had assumed she had just gone to sleep (she lives 2 hours later than I do) I got a phone call from a brother asking if I wanted to come out to a pub, and rather than just spend my time away waiting on the computer I left some messages explaining that I was going out. I agreed to come out, it wasnt for long, about an hour and a half ( I pretty much just walked them home as the pub closed soon after I got there). Came back home, checked msn again, waited 5 minutes just to see if Vera was on then (she sometimes is on if she wakes up in the night), then I watched some TV with my brother and went to sleep.
Next thing I knew, I woke up, and I had recieved 3 texts while i was asleep one of them merely saying "read my email". The corresponding email was saying that she was basically angry with me that we could have spent the night together but instead I went to pub. She also said that my behaviour was starting to worry her and that she didnt want an alcoholic boyfriend, and she didnt know how long she could stand this. The email then ended with "I wont rly be online today, just for u to know. Have fun, go to million pubs if you think its right thing to do."
Now, I had planned to spend the evening with her that day, I stayed online for the whole day until about 02.00, I didnt recieve a single response to my texts from her, and she had deleted me as a friend in livejournal. To me it doesnt make sense, she gets annoyed with me for not spending time with her, and so she goes and does exactly what... not let me spend time with her..? Eventually, I get to talk (and argue) with her on the late sunday night.
My viewpoint is this: I had previously said to her that I was probably going for a drink after my exam, I did just that. I did not get a single text from her all night (until when I was already asleep at 0400 in the morning), I waited for her for quite a bit of time before deciding that I could go and do something else. She accused me of not making any effort to spend time with her. But for some reason all I could think was that even if I could have made more effort to spend time with her, it didnt really seem to me that she had made much effort at all to spend time with me. To organise time.
This weekend I had been asked to go on a weekend trip to another city with my brother, I had already let Vera know about this trip about 2 weeks in advance and she seemed fine with it. The night before the trip we didnt talk, because she just went AFK without telling (she must have fallen asleep again). I wake up in the morning with texts and missed calls, asking why the hell im going on a trip when just the previous week we had an argument about me not spending time with her. I was seriously considering calling it off, and staying in the whole weekend for her. But I didnt really like the idea of cancelling my previous arrangements and letting people down, so I just told her that. The plans for the weekend involved picking up and old friend (who was a girl) of ours from Liverpool and then heading to Newcastle to support another friend's boyfriend's band who were playing there. I was then promptly accused of going to "escape our relationship problems" and that we were seeing our old friend because she was single and that my brother wanted to break us up by bringing her along... Anyway, I went along to the weekend, texted Vera every few hours, letting her know what I was doing. The only communication I got from her all weekend was 1 text saying "whats happening...?" while I was watching some films at where we were staying. I came home, expecting her to be online, and no she isnt here (probably gone to sleep again).
Anyway, here I am now, writing this. A few times now, this sort of thing has happened. It hurts me because, the only thing that she is managing to do when she ignores me, is damage this relationship. And inevitably damage herself aswell. Seems to be some sort of "revenge" on me, sometimes she has been trying to make me paranoid by saying she will go meet some1 and refuse to tell me who, perhaps because she feels paranoid if I am to go out. Its self-destructive and I basically need to be able to help her on this as much as I can.
As far as I can tell, there are 2 main problems here:
- Communication (being online at the right times for each other, organising when to spend time with each other).
- Trust (being able to feel secure if ur partner goes out).
I have been trying to sort the 1st one out, to organise certain days/times to definitely be on for each other, but she isnt responsive or helpful, and she doesnt seem to want to do something like that.
I know that some of it is my fault, but I realise my problems and im trying to overcome this, but I cannot do this alone and I need some advice on how I can get her to help us aswell.
I dont plan on giving up, I love her to bits <3. Just sometimes it feels so hard to spend time away from her, because of the way she acts when I do.
I would also be interested to hear if any of you guys have had similar problems with trust issues, and also issues with going out.
How often does your SO go out?
Apologies for wall of text, just feel I have to get this out, and in some detail.
This has been an ongoing problem for quite a while, its an issue to do with going out with friends on weekends and such, time apart, time away from the internet and thus more intimate communication.
Initially, it felt like we both had some trust issues, worry about wether the other would stay faithful or not.
I have a relatively close friendship group, I used to go out with them, usually to pubs and basically be social with them. Of course I dont do this so much anymore, because I have to balance my time between spending time with my friends/family and spending time with Vera, my SO.
Over time, I feel like I have been able to be more confident on trusting her. No point worrying about something that I cant necessarily prevent, eh?
The main problem, is dealing with my partner when I go out. It gets difficult sometimes, if I get a phone call from a friend asking if I want to come to the pub and be social for a bit, having to explain this to my SO, and of trying to convince her not to be worrying about me all night, and wondering if im going to be faithful. Every time I went out, I wud send her messages, telling her who was there, what I was doing, where I was. When I would come back, it was like "question and answer time" so to speak.
As the months go by, the same thing persists, every time I go out, its the same talk, the same discussion, the same convincing. As a result I stopped seeing my friends as much (it felt easier...), my friends ofcourse didnt take this too kindly either, however that is another story.
Last weekend, I had finished the last of my 1st semester exams and went for a drink with a mate of mine from my uni course, I texted my SO, saying that I wud be back soon as I was just leaving to go home, I got no reply. I came home and she was away from msn, I hung around for over 3 hours (surfing net, playing games, ready to talk as soon as she came on) but she never came on, I had assumed she had just gone to sleep (she lives 2 hours later than I do) I got a phone call from a brother asking if I wanted to come out to a pub, and rather than just spend my time away waiting on the computer I left some messages explaining that I was going out. I agreed to come out, it wasnt for long, about an hour and a half ( I pretty much just walked them home as the pub closed soon after I got there). Came back home, checked msn again, waited 5 minutes just to see if Vera was on then (she sometimes is on if she wakes up in the night), then I watched some TV with my brother and went to sleep.
Next thing I knew, I woke up, and I had recieved 3 texts while i was asleep one of them merely saying "read my email". The corresponding email was saying that she was basically angry with me that we could have spent the night together but instead I went to pub. She also said that my behaviour was starting to worry her and that she didnt want an alcoholic boyfriend, and she didnt know how long she could stand this. The email then ended with "I wont rly be online today, just for u to know. Have fun, go to million pubs if you think its right thing to do."
Now, I had planned to spend the evening with her that day, I stayed online for the whole day until about 02.00, I didnt recieve a single response to my texts from her, and she had deleted me as a friend in livejournal. To me it doesnt make sense, she gets annoyed with me for not spending time with her, and so she goes and does exactly what... not let me spend time with her..? Eventually, I get to talk (and argue) with her on the late sunday night.
My viewpoint is this: I had previously said to her that I was probably going for a drink after my exam, I did just that. I did not get a single text from her all night (until when I was already asleep at 0400 in the morning), I waited for her for quite a bit of time before deciding that I could go and do something else. She accused me of not making any effort to spend time with her. But for some reason all I could think was that even if I could have made more effort to spend time with her, it didnt really seem to me that she had made much effort at all to spend time with me. To organise time.
This weekend I had been asked to go on a weekend trip to another city with my brother, I had already let Vera know about this trip about 2 weeks in advance and she seemed fine with it. The night before the trip we didnt talk, because she just went AFK without telling (she must have fallen asleep again). I wake up in the morning with texts and missed calls, asking why the hell im going on a trip when just the previous week we had an argument about me not spending time with her. I was seriously considering calling it off, and staying in the whole weekend for her. But I didnt really like the idea of cancelling my previous arrangements and letting people down, so I just told her that. The plans for the weekend involved picking up and old friend (who was a girl) of ours from Liverpool and then heading to Newcastle to support another friend's boyfriend's band who were playing there. I was then promptly accused of going to "escape our relationship problems" and that we were seeing our old friend because she was single and that my brother wanted to break us up by bringing her along... Anyway, I went along to the weekend, texted Vera every few hours, letting her know what I was doing. The only communication I got from her all weekend was 1 text saying "whats happening...?" while I was watching some films at where we were staying. I came home, expecting her to be online, and no she isnt here (probably gone to sleep again).
Anyway, here I am now, writing this. A few times now, this sort of thing has happened. It hurts me because, the only thing that she is managing to do when she ignores me, is damage this relationship. And inevitably damage herself aswell. Seems to be some sort of "revenge" on me, sometimes she has been trying to make me paranoid by saying she will go meet some1 and refuse to tell me who, perhaps because she feels paranoid if I am to go out. Its self-destructive and I basically need to be able to help her on this as much as I can.
As far as I can tell, there are 2 main problems here:
- Communication (being online at the right times for each other, organising when to spend time with each other).
- Trust (being able to feel secure if ur partner goes out).
I have been trying to sort the 1st one out, to organise certain days/times to definitely be on for each other, but she isnt responsive or helpful, and she doesnt seem to want to do something like that.
I know that some of it is my fault, but I realise my problems and im trying to overcome this, but I cannot do this alone and I need some advice on how I can get her to help us aswell.
I dont plan on giving up, I love her to bits <3. Just sometimes it feels so hard to spend time away from her, because of the way she acts when I do.
I would also be interested to hear if any of you guys have had similar problems with trust issues, and also issues with going out.
How often does your SO go out?
Apologies for wall of text, just feel I have to get this out, and in some detail.
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