Some problems ive been having, relating to trust and going out.

[Jerome W]

Well, im a new member here. Just think its time to hear some other people's opinion on what is going on.

This has been an ongoing problem for quite a while, its an issue to do with going out with friends on weekends and such, time apart, time away from the internet and thus more intimate communication.

Initially, it felt like we both had some trust issues, worry about wether the other would stay faithful or not.

I have a relatively close friendship group, I used to go out with them, usually to pubs and basically be social with them. Of course I dont do this so much anymore, because I have to balance my time between spending time with my friends/family and spending time with Vera, my SO.

Over time, I feel like I have been able to be more confident on trusting her. No point worrying about something that I cant necessarily prevent, eh?

The main problem, is dealing with my partner when I go out. It gets difficult sometimes, if I get a phone call from a friend asking if I want to come to the pub and be social for a bit, having to explain this to my SO, and of trying to convince her not to be worrying about me all night, and wondering if im going to be faithful. Every time I went out, I wud send her messages, telling her who was there, what I was doing, where I was. When I would come back, it was like "question and answer time" so to speak.

As the months go by, the same thing persists, every time I go out, its the same talk, the same discussion, the same convincing. As a result I stopped seeing my friends as much (it felt easier...), my friends ofcourse didnt take this too kindly either, however that is another story.

Last weekend, I had finished the last of my 1st semester exams and went for a drink with a mate of mine from my uni course, I texted my SO, saying that I wud be back soon as I was just leaving to go home, I got no reply. I came home and she was away from msn, I hung around for over 3 hours (surfing net, playing games, ready to talk as soon as she came on) but she never came on, I had assumed she had just gone to sleep (she lives 2 hours later than I do) I got a phone call from a brother asking if I wanted to come out to a pub, and rather than just spend my time away waiting on the computer I left some messages explaining that I was going out. I agreed to come out, it wasnt for long, about an hour and a half ( I pretty much just walked them home as the pub closed soon after I got there). Came back home, checked msn again, waited 5 minutes just to see if Vera was on then (she sometimes is on if she wakes up in the night), then I watched some TV with my brother and went to sleep.

Next thing I knew, I woke up, and I had recieved 3 texts while i was asleep one of them merely saying "read my email". The corresponding email was saying that she was basically angry with me that we could have spent the night together but instead I went to pub. She also said that my behaviour was starting to worry her and that she didnt want an alcoholic boyfriend, and she didnt know how long she could stand this. The email then ended with "I wont rly be online today, just for u to know. Have fun, go to million pubs if you think its right thing to do."

Now, I had planned to spend the evening with her that day, I stayed online for the whole day until about 02.00, I didnt recieve a single response to my texts from her, and she had deleted me as a friend in livejournal. To me it doesnt make sense, she gets annoyed with me for not spending time with her, and so she goes and does exactly what... not let me spend time with her..? Eventually, I get to talk (and argue) with her on the late sunday night.

My viewpoint is this: I had previously said to her that I was probably going for a drink after my exam, I did just that. I did not get a single text from her all night (until when I was already asleep at 0400 in the morning), I waited for her for quite a bit of time before deciding that I could go and do something else. She accused me of not making any effort to spend time with her. But for some reason all I could think was that even if I could have made more effort to spend time with her, it didnt really seem to me that she had made much effort at all to spend time with me. To organise time.

This weekend I had been asked to go on a weekend trip to another city with my brother, I had already let Vera know about this trip about 2 weeks in advance and she seemed fine with it. The night before the trip we didnt talk, because she just went AFK without telling (she must have fallen asleep again). I wake up in the morning with texts and missed calls, asking why the hell im going on a trip when just the previous week we had an argument about me not spending time with her. I was seriously considering calling it off, and staying in the whole weekend for her. But I didnt really like the idea of cancelling my previous arrangements and letting people down, so I just told her that. The plans for the weekend involved picking up and old friend (who was a girl) of ours from Liverpool and then heading to Newcastle to support another friend's boyfriend's band who were playing there. I was then promptly accused of going to "escape our relationship problems" and that we were seeing our old friend because she was single and that my brother wanted to break us up by bringing her along... Anyway, I went along to the weekend, texted Vera every few hours, letting her know what I was doing. The only communication I got from her all weekend was 1 text saying "whats happening...?" while I was watching some films at where we were staying. I came home, expecting her to be online, and no she isnt here (probably gone to sleep again).

Anyway, here I am now, writing this. A few times now, this sort of thing has happened. It hurts me because, the only thing that she is managing to do when she ignores me, is damage this relationship. And inevitably damage herself aswell. Seems to be some sort of "revenge" on me, sometimes she has been trying to make me paranoid by saying she will go meet some1 and refuse to tell me who, perhaps because she feels paranoid if I am to go out. Its self-destructive and I basically need to be able to help her on this as much as I can.

As far as I can tell, there are 2 main problems here:

- Communication (being online at the right times for each other, organising when to spend time with each other).
- Trust (being able to feel secure if ur partner goes out).

I have been trying to sort the 1st one out, to organise certain days/times to definitely be on for each other, but she isnt responsive or helpful, and she doesnt seem to want to do something like that.

I know that some of it is my fault, but I realise my problems and im trying to overcome this, but I cannot do this alone and I need some advice on how I can get her to help us aswell.

I dont plan on giving up, I love her to bits <3. Just sometimes it feels so hard to spend time away from her, because of the way she acts when I do.

I would also be interested to hear if any of you guys have had similar problems with trust issues, and also issues with going out.

How often does your SO go out?

Apologies for wall of text, just feel I have to get this out, and in some detail.

[ErinKristine]

My SO goes out most weekends, as do I. Obviously since we are long distance we don't usually go out together, unless it is a weekend he is home or I come see him. I don't have any problems trusting him when he goes out because most of his friends are in committed relationships too and even if they weren't I trust him to use his best judgement and be faithful. He also trusts me to go out with my friends, which is a mixed group of male and female because most are in relationships and he knows that if I was going to date any of my male friends then I already would have...haha. We tell each other in advance when and where we are going out and whether or not we will talk that night, which even if we are out with friends we text periodically.

[lunamea]

Welcome to LFAD, Jerome. I can empathize with you on this issue, as that is a touchy subject for my husband and me as well... I'm quite jealous and don't like the idea of him going out either. It was a point we'd frequently argue over when we lived together, too (I'm studying abroad right now), especially since the first year of our marriage, he hadn't made friends yet and consequently did not go out at all. It was hard for me to accept that change and it's even more difficult now that we're so far apart, because he now goes out more often as I'm not there.

I think issues you have to consider are: Do you go out more frequently now than before? Does your gf go out as well? How often? Does she drink alcohol?

If you go out more now, she might find that hard to get used to. If she goes out as well (equally as often), then I guess it's mostly a problem of timing and organization (which can still be difficult, but at least, you're on equal terms and it's only fair that you go out if she does, too). If she doesn't (or not near as often as you), I think this is more difficult to deal with.
Ironically, I used to go out every so often at the beginning of my relationship with my husband (when my hb didn't go out because of lack of friends), but I had a fallout with the friend I used to go out with, so I don't any longer, but now my hubby does and when I'm back home, I still feel like an idiot sitting at home while he's out. In this case, the best thing would be to encourage her to go out as well (at least to the movies etc.), just so she doesn't feel left behind. Texting her to let her know you're thinking of her is a good way to ease her worries, but I wouldn't go into too much detail about what you're doing, because that might just fuel her jealousy. I think drinking alcohol is mostly an issue if she doesn't drink (much) and because she feels it makes you more susceptible to cheating.

Now for your question: my husband goes out every weekend, but usually only leaves quite late at night (9pm-10pm), so (with the time difference) we can still talk before he goes. I often wish he'd give me a heads-up sooner, like at least a day in advance, but usually, his going-out is quite spontaneous. It's similar with my friends, so we don't have the best of organization either. Just this weekend, my husband's friend called off their get-together on Friday, so he stayed home while I met up with my friends (because he'd told me he'd go out, too) and then on Saturday, I initially had nothing planned and he went out... :S It's not that big of a problem for us, though, since we're 7 hours apart. I think organization is key, though... if both of you plan around your other activities and still manage to spend enough time together (and spend the *same* time apart!), your gf might be more understanding and feel less neglected. It seems like you did compromise quite some, but I'd still talk to her and set up rules, find out what she is okay with and what she expects of you.

I don't complain about my husband going out every weekend anymore, because I'm the one who decided to go study abroad and "left" him on his own at home... I can't expect him to stay home alone all the time. I still worry and get jealous, but I give him that freedom, because I meet up with friends as well (not as in going to pubs, but still) and expect him to accept that.

[BJL_Sweetheart1109]

Welcome! Hmmm....I wish I could help more, but trust has never been an issue with the SO and I. I'm not sure why bc it was a pretty big hang up of mine and his last relationship ended bc he could not trust the girl he was seeing. I go out now and again, not often since I'm in school and most of my weekends are spent working. He goes out more often than I. He calls and let's me know where he's going and who he's with, he'll some times call if they go somewhere else, and I call when I'm going to bed, I only ask that he calls or texts to let me know he made it back home.

Have you brought up the point that you just want time to hang out with the guys and relax. Let her know it's not a big deal that you're having a few drinks out with the guys, that she has nothing to worry about, that she's the only one for you. You're simply going out for the sake of being out of the house and having a little bit of a social life. Maybe you two are relying too much on the internet. You don't have to spend EVERY minute together. You both need some 'you' time and time to have a life. You can still make webcam/IM dates. When I'm really missing the SO I ask to webcam. He does his XBox Live thing though as a means of winding down after work and a lot of his friends play. So when I'm wanting to webcam we set a date, maybe a couple of nights later and around such and such a time.

I think you need to see what the real problem is. Maybe something else is going on. She could be overwhelmed and frustrated with other things. Then you not being online when she was expecting you was just sort of the last straw, and you got the brunt of it. Talk to her and ask if something else is going on over there. Maybe she needs more reassurance that she is your one and only. Be sure and tell her you want to talk about this and sort this out. Calmly. You're not trying to start an argument but you know communication is key in a LDR.

Maybe you could also suggest this site?! Or suggest a forum of the same topic, she may need some place to vent about the frustrations of LDRs too.

Idk. Hope something I've said may help! *hugs*

[Veiled_Dreamer]

My SO has a really not-so-active social life, while I do. I have MSN on my phone so I just IM him like normal the whole time I'm out (I'm a multitasker for sure) while he understands that it might be a while in between replies, especially if I'm having a really good time. But he's totally not insecure about us at all, haha. I'm definitely the one with trust issues.

I'm going to give you my viewpoint, because we've had a lot of the same issues. I'm such a paranoid, insecure individual (not saying your SO is! it's just a similar idea) so maybe I can give you kind of your SO's perspective. I can also tell you how we handle it.

Since my SO doesn't go out as much, my paranoia has turned to whether or not he's mad at me. My guess is if your SO is anything like me, she doesn't need a reason. You say "hi" instead of "hey" like you normally do, she might think something is up when it's actually just you preferred hi to hey; you find out one of your friends wants to go out to the pub without much notice, you tell her and she maybe thinks that you could've given her more warning and you didn't. Paranoia does absolutely crazy things to the mind. When my SO does go out and girls happen to be there, especially when I'm PMSing which makes me a LOT more paranoid for some reason, I feel like anything could happen, he might come home and think he's met his soul mate or something. It's also because he doesn't have texting or a phone that you can download IM on, so it's like I have no contact with him when he's out, since I don't want to call when I know deep down nothing's actually up because of long distance fees. Your SO probably knows you won't actually do anything, but knowing and feeling are different, and paranoia can take overrr. I totally have done the ignoring thing too, I'm sorry to admit. I don't know why I feel like I need revenge when I'm so sure he's done nothing. Maybe it's because I feel like he's blown me off when he assures me he's not angry and we agree I'm silly for thinking it. It's taken me a while to get him to understand the depth of my paranoia, and I know that I felt so embarrassed to admit I was fretting over literally nothing that I didn't want to talk about it at first.

Our solution is just a total honesty policy. If I'm angry with him, there isn't supposed to be any holding it in, I must tell him. If he's angry with me or has done something I wouldn't like, he must tell me. And whenever, I mean literally any time, I feel paranoid, I have to tell him. If he ever goes out and does anything he knows would hurt me, he has to tell me. This makes both ends responsible for settling the paranoia. It makes me feel better that he's not just saying "talk to me about it if you want" he's expressing the fact that he appreciates our relationship enough to take a definite step to preserve it, the exact opposite of what he would do if he was the type that goes out and parties and gets with girls behind my back. I'm sure it gets annoying when I out of no where say, "I feel like something's up" and he's actually asked why I always think that, but the truth is, there is no reason. We can have a perfect night but suddenly I'll feel like something happened or he's angry, and he'll soothe and comfort me and assure me that nothing is wrong. It takes getting used to, but most times I totally don't feel paranoid after I make sure nothing is wrong. Tell her you really want her to tell you whenever she's feeling like something's up so you can assure her that nothing is.

I agree with Lunamea, definitely discuss the alcohol issue. Neither of us drink so I can't offer much perspective on it, but I bet that could be part of her issue with you going out. Also, I definitely think setting up rules is a good idea. Planning "date nights" where neither of you go out might work, so she knows that just like you plan time with your friends, you are also willing to plan time with her and only her. Make sure she knows that you respect and love her too much to do anything behind her back, including everything beyond a friendly hug or friendly chatting. Say that you trust each other to have friends of the opposite gender that are just that, only friends. If you both agree to make a mutual effort, I think, it'll work out much better and things will just go smoother for you guys in the future.

[Mio]

Welcome Jerome!

I'm sorry to hear you haven't had it easy lately. Well, I have trust issues, since a little girl. But I always tried and worked hard on not passing that into my relationship, and I think pretty much I've been successful about it. In Tibet they say "If a problem can be solved there is no use worrying about it. If it can't be solved, worrying will do no good." , so really, worry about the faithfulness of your SO won't make a difference at all. Your girl seems to have a super big issue about it. Ask her if you have ever done something that made her trust you less? When she answer no, tell her to have faith in you, you want to be with her, no with another girl. But boy, it can be hard for her to change, but she is the one who must work on it with desire.

I think it's good if you plan or make schedules about your conversation times. That way she can't complain that you are spending too much time away, or that you are not available when she is.

But you have to have a serious talk and sort it out together, cause it won't change otherwise.

Best wishes

[MadMolly]

I go out pretty much every weekend, as does my guy, but it's never planned stuff. We just have a thing where we've decided not to talk during weekends and have those days to ourselves. Gives us lots to talk about on the following Monday!

[folclor]

Wow, that sounds like the issues I used to have with my guy. o.O

It sounds like your girl not only has trust issues (that you two need to sit down and have a long talk as to why she has them) but may have a co-dependency on you. The thing about not spending time with you after you 'didn't try' to spend time with her is more of a perceived issue than reality (as you know). You know you tried to spend time with her, you know you spent hours waiting, you also know she probably fell asleep. If she did fall asleep she probably got upset because she felt like it was her fault that she didn't have the time she could've had with you and, because she wasn't awake or was afk, you went and did something else and, when she woke up, she discovered this and promptly panicked. I know that makes no sense, but that's what I used to do so that's what I assume she did. Then, after she sent you all those messages and the texts and the e-mail and everything, she felt like you were doing it on purpose because she probably felt guilty about something (that might have nothing to do with you and it may be something as stupid as she fell asleep when she could've talked to you) so she wanted you to 'know how it feels' because she might not think you understand how she feels, so instead of trying to talk it out with her she tried to show you.

then, about the trip, of course she was fine with it two weeks before. Two weeks can feel like forever away and she didn't know y'all were going to have an argument. So when you said, "In two weeks I'm going on a weekend trip with my brother," she thought, "Oh, two weeks, that's a long way away, okay, I can deal with that, we have a lot of time between now and then." After y'all fought she assumed, probably, that you were going to put extra effort into doing something for her, spend more time with her, etc, and that you were going to forgo what you already had planned because your relationship is more important than a weekend. When you didn't and, instead, decided to go ahead with your plans she probably was extremely disappointed which, instead of translating into "I miss you"s and "I love you" and "be careful" and all that stuff, formed into frustration that she will feel lonely because you're not there and you won't be online, even if you text, and she can reach you but you can't talk for long periods of time and you spent time with another girl, even if you don't have romantic feelings for said girl. So she struck out at you, hoping that, by making you feel guilty and crying or yelling or whatever way she manifested her frustration, you would decide that she was more important. When you didn't she got even more exasperated and she felt lonely and probably wanted to 'show you how it feels' again, so she cut communication as much as she could manage so that you'd feel guilty. Again, this is from my perspective and how I used to do things when my boyfriend would go hang out with his friends.

I don't know how long y'all have been together, but you should start (if you don't already know) finding out why she has trust issues. For me it was because of past relationships and some issues with my family. My trust didn't go up and my co-dependency didn't go down until I sat down on video chat with my boyfriend and told him everything that happened and everything that I felt and how it felt when he went out with friends and how I felt not being able to be there with him. Now he goes and hangs out with his friends every weekend from Friday night - Sunday evening. We'll text 'goodnight' on Friday and Saturday and he'll get on Sunday night so we can talk just a little bit before he collapses from lack of sleep from the weekend. ^^;

Maybe that could help? I mean, if she has issues you need to work through them with her, and you need to be the one to do it, especially the trust issues, or she might never get over that little bit. Good luck to you, though. Just know it can be done and, if y'all can work through it together, you'll come out better for it on the other side. ^^

[lunamea]

Our solution is just a total honesty policy. If I'm angry with him, there isn't supposed to be any holding it in, I must tell him. If he's angry with me or has done something I wouldn't like, he must tell me. And whenever, I mean literally any time, I feel paranoid, I have to tell him. If he ever goes out and does anything he knows would hurt me, he has to tell me. This makes both ends responsible for settling the paranoia.

My husband and I agreed on this only recently, too. While it's not easy to hear some of the things and I feel like it drives me even more crazy, it's soothing in the end because I know that he told me even though he knows I didn't like to hear it. My husband has had a strategy of rather not going into detail or telling me something (unimportant) that he knew would upset me, but when I visited, I told him that that needs to stop. He needs to tell me without me having to interrogate him and I need to deal with it. Even though he still sometimes waits a little (to make it less immediate) until he tells me, he does tell me and it does make me feel better. Just the other day, he told me that girls had been asking him to dance when he was out with his friends, but he'd declined. It doesn't mean you have to go way over the top about details, but don't hide anything that would upset her, either.

[Zephii]

We never went out much, I'm a pretty boring person really and when I did go out it would only be a night trip to my sister out of town, and I had my letterbook with me at those times. Had I been upto not good, I'm pretty sure it would have been obvious
Obi didn't go out much either, he had role playing on saturday which he'd always come home and tell me all about, and a couple of times he went to the pub with mates from class, but it was rare. Before we were official he went out a bit more, but as I knew he was sleeping with those friends he hasn't seen them much since we became official (I think maybe twice in a year) to my relief.

Obi has never had reason to have a trust issue with me. I'm a prude, against casual sex, I have a social phobia and up until recently wouldn't touch alcohol with a ten foot pole.
On the other hand, I've had, and sometimes still do have, trust issues with him - not that he give me cause to - just because I'm naturally very jealous and I know some of his morals are different to mine. (But not THAT different. I know he wouldn't cheat - I couldn't even get him to cyber with me when he was dating his gf before me!)

But, even if he went to a convention (an easy place where he usually picks up or hangs out with bed buddies) tomorrow, I still would not expect him to text and tell me what he is doing, nor would I text him more than once or twice. We generally don't text if we are out with friends because it's rude to the people we are with, and neither of us need a keeper. It's wrong.

Have you cheated on each other in the past? Do you have good reasons not to trust each other?

You both need to talk and she needs to realise that you both need to have friends and go out on your own or the relationship will fail. Only having each other in the world is a romantic idea - but it will ruin your relationship. How else are you to keep the conversations interesting? Another thing you can do, together or seperatly, is make a list of the reasons why you KNOW your partner will not cheat. I have a mental list of this kind, and it has really helped me. You might need to set boundaries about how much texting is appropreate while out, and while you should share your experiences, it needs to be because you want to, not because you are accounting for your time.

Statistically, people in LDRs are NOT more likely to be unfaithful, despite popular belief.

Now the other issue. Making time, especially with a time difference can be hard. Obi and I had a 7 hour difference in Aussie winter, 5 in summer. To get around it, for years Obi was basically nocturnal and being young I didn't even realise. Later when he became employed and went back to school/college he couldn't do that anymore. To find time I'd get up and log on to msn at 5am and we'd talk in his lunch break, then I'd come straight home from school and we'd talk again for a couple of hours before he needed to sleep. Later when I became employed and was unable to get up so early, we'd leave offline messages and then when he got home I'd skype with him while I worked (i was a live in maid and nanny). I'd do simple chorse like the dishes and cooking that didn't require me to move far from the laptop where I could still see the child.

And for a year we slept with our headsets on, because I don't like sleeping alone. Of course, as he was ahead of my time, I'd go a bit earlier than necessary and he'd go later, but we still had time to *snuggle* and we'd have a lot of phone sex. And that bought us closer, gave us intimacy and I knew that he couldn't *ahem* that often and be sleeping with someone else. He always came home to me, and that gave me piece of mind. Perhaps something here will be useful to you also.

Good luck, and welcome to LFAD

[polkapiggy]

I think its fine to be a little bit worried AT FIRST and maybe a tad protective in the first couple of months before trust has been gained, but from what you've said this seems a bit OTT. My SO is wary about me going out because he knows my friends drink and he doesn't like the idea of me drinking. However he recognises that its not his job to control me and at the end of the day I can do as I please. Now that doesn't mean I go out and get drunk every night of the week, there are boundaries. I've earned his trust and I'm not going to be breaking it. However, from the sounds of your SO's behaviour it seems she is just quite OTT. She might be missing you, she might be the jealous type, she might just be upset that you go out and she can't go out with you. But that doesn't mean you can't have a social life. I can relate to this as my SO wants to spend literally every waking minute with me and he's totally useless unless I'm around xD So when I go out I always make it between 3 and 8 pm as he's still at school during this time and doesn't have to worry about me. Maybe you can work out some kind of some arangement? And if she's worried about the booze, see if you can do stuff with your friends that isn't drinking. I know how hard it is as britian is a very pub-based country. The pub has been the centre of many mens social lives for years and it can be very hard for someone thats never lived in a society like that to understand. If she's feeling lonely you could always try the "date in a box" idea (see the list of things to do on the main site, it near the end) and webcam or just do more romantic stuff. However, you NEED to talk about this and find out why she doesn't trust you and what her problem is. My SO and I had an argument just the other day about practically the same thing, believe me- you are not alone in this!

[Tanja]

Welcome to LFAD Jerome!

Your SO is obviously VERY insecure about either herself or about your relationship (or both) and is also very jealous... I tend to think that whenever people expect someone to do something wrong (like cheating) it's only because that's what they'd be thinkin about themselves when they go out. If your SO can go out with her friends and think she would never ever cheat on you why can't she trust you to think that way too?

I used to go out a lot when Andy and I started dating - Andy didn't seem to have a problem with it, or at least if he did he never told me lol. He did admit that sometimes he was worried I might hit it off with some other guy but I know I can never think about anyone else but him when I'm out and I trust him to feel the same way completely.

You need to tell your SO that if he constantly suspects you of something it will only lead to those accusations to come true, you will get sick of it eventually and think if she's already convinced you're doing something you shouldn't then why not just do it?
You need to have a serious talk with her and tell her you are allowed to spend time with your friends, just because you're together doesn't mean you have to talk 24/7.

Everyone needs their own space and some alone time with friends, hanging out and having fun and she needs to understand that even if you are not with her every second it doesn't mean you love her any less.

[Jerome W]

Thank you all for taking the time to read what has been on my mind . Ive seen a lot of decent criticism and feedback, and some good advice on what to do. Ive had a small talk with her, and for now im aiming to atleast try to make the time I have available to her a bit more special. Some times things seem so difficult, it feels good that here is a community full of really nice people, with similar interests (long distance love <3).

[lunamea]

First of all, glad we were of some help!

I'd like add something, though...

I tend to think that whenever people expect someone to do something wrong (like cheating) it's only because that's what they'd be thinkin about themselves when they go out. If your SO can go out with her friends and think she would never ever cheat on you why can't she trust you to think that way too?

I disagree on that. I know that the saying goes like that, but from personal experience, I don't think it's generally that way. It might be in some instances, but overall, I think it just depends on your personality... if you're insecure and jealous by nature, you tend to panic easily and get paranoid at even the thought of your SO being with someone else. To me, it means that because of your lack of self-esteem, you feel you're not good enough for your SO and therefore fear s/he will prefer someone else to you. I don't believe fearing that they will cheat on you comes from wanting to cheat yourself.

You need to tell your SO that if he constantly suspects you of something it will only lead to those accusations to come true, you will get sick of it eventually and think if she's already convinced you're doing something you shouldn't then why not just do it?

Oh, yeah, I got that from my husband, too... it made me think a little, but in the end, it didn't help me or made me less jealous, it just made me feel guilty for being jealous in spite of knowing better.

For me, the only thing that helps is reassurance... I think making the time with her more special is a good start. Express, whenever you feel like it, how much she means to you, thereby showing her that you're not going out to hook up with someone else.

[Tanja]

First of all, glad we were of some help!

I'd like add something, though...



I disagree on that. I know that the saying goes like that, but from personal experience, I don't think it's generally that way. It might be in some instances, but overall, I think it just depends on your personality... if you're insecure and jealous by nature, you tend to panic easily and get paranoid at even the thought of your SO being with someone else. To me, it means that because of your lack of self-esteem, you feel you're not good enough for your SO and therefore fear s/he will prefer someone else to you. I don't believe fearing that they will cheat on you comes from wanting to cheat yourself.





Oh, yeah, I got that from my husband, too... it made me think a little, but in the end, it didn't help me or made me less jealous, it just made me feel guilty for being jealous in spite of knowing better.

For me, the only thing that helps is reassurance... I think making the time with her more special is a good start. Express, whenever you feel like it, how much she means to you, thereby showing her that you're not going out to hook up with someone else.

Yeah I suppose it's different with people who have self-esteam issues, my point of view only comes from an experience lol.