Ugh.. Help me.

[crzycoookies]

I so don't know what to do.
I am a very jealous person. Most of Jonathan's friends are females.. He doesn't really hang out with them that much, but you know.. Texting, facebook. I was raised where girls were only friends with girls, and guys were only friends with guys. I've managed to push this fact that most of his friends are females back for a very long time, and I will be happy, but then all of a sudden something pops up that makes my happiness crash and burn and I have to build it back up again - Like him leaving a comment on their facebook stuff, or them texting him and I have no idea what it says, or him hanging out with them. I absolutely know he will not cheat on me. He isn't that kind of guy. Even with all of his female friends, this is his first relationship. So I'm obviously not afraid of that. I am just selfish I suppose, because I want his only emotional attachment with any girl besides family to be with me. Not his friends. I do not have any guy friends, thus I do not have any feelings(by feelings I mean caring, etc in a friendly way) for any other guy except him.
Last night he ran into an old middle school female friend at taco bell and they exchanged numbers. They have been facebook friends forever, and he used to have her number, but she got a new phone. At that point I kinda had a... realization? Is it really possible for me to be happy with Jonathan?
When I got into the relationship, I knew he had all these friends. His myspace was full of pictures of him hanging out with females. But I figured my jealousy would go away eventually. It didn't, and trying to push it in the back of my head just made things worse. Because any time anything happened that I didn't like, I would get very upset. I KNOW this is my problem, not his. I can't ask him to drop all of his female friends and just make all new ones. But I'm not happy right now. I want to fix myself and I don't know how. Or am I even fixable? Maybe I am better off with a guy a little more similar to what I am looking for? Or maybe I am so jealous that I will never be happy with any guy, and I just need to fix it and I will be able to stay with Jonathan and not have to go through that heart break. At any rate, I pretty much hate myself right now.

[Abbie]

I know what you mean with the him having all female friends situation ... and it has bothered me on occassions too
I just ended up telling myself that ...
at the end of the day your the one he thinks about before he goes to sleep
your the one he wants to be with
and there is something different between buddies and being in a relationship
as long as he has romantic feelings for you ... i dont think the female friends will be a problem
Some guys just get on better with girls ... i personally get along better with guys
Asking him to drop all of his female friends is definately not the way to go ... you dont want to control him or try and change him
... Besides he might not hate shopping as much as most guys
and the picures with females ... chicks like photos ... guys are so keen on snapping away all day

[Mio]

I am a guys girl, and my SO is a girls guy. Most of my friends are guys, I even had a few BFF that were guys, and in the other hand my boy always had girls as friends. I am a firm believer that you can be friends with the opposite sex without any romantic intention or sexual tension. But a lot of people don't think that way, specially men. I guess it all goes to the mentality you have. But I must say we are very open about our other friends, is someone text us we tell each other, and things like that, not because of jelousy, only because we are really open.

But girl, if for you this is an issue that you can't handle, think about it seriously. You can't change who your boy is, maybe he can adapt somethings for you, but the core of his personality won't change, it is selfish to ask a person to change complete how they are. And it the other hand, if this is something you can't live with, you know that even if it hurts as hell, the wisest thing is to get out of the relationship, because you will never be happy, and you will be so suspicious and paranoid that it will destroy the relationship eventually. Completely unhealthy. I always told my boy, if there is something about me that you can't handle then live me as it's better to be happy in separate ways that unhappy together.

He will always have his friends, what maybe you can do is talk to him, and let him know exactly how you feel, take it all out. Maybe he will adjust himself a little and come to a happy medium with you. Like he can tell you who texted, or you can be friends with this girls too, somewhere you feel comfortable.

But I would tell you that is not worth worrying about infidelity, worrying makes no difference. Besides, he never went out with any of those girls, and now he is WITH YOU, he made a choice.

Best wishes!

[uk_girl]

I cannot add anything that hasn't been said already!

He's been honest with you about your female friends...I trust they know about you...so I wouldn't worry!

For 2 years I was pretty much 'hidden' from my ex-guy's best female friend (who he'd had sex with before) so not to hurt her feelings. I was going out of my mind about it. Would have loved to have a situation like yours!

So I really wouldn't worry! I don't see any red flags at all!

[folclor]

I don't think there's anything wrong with having friends of the opposite gender. ^^; I mean, I grew up with two older brothers so I easily make friends with guys and I'm used to guys having friends who are girls. I guess I never thought of it as a problem... But any guy you go out with will eventually have one or two friends who are girls and you will eventually be friends with some guys. I think it's probably just something you'll work through personally.

[Chelsea&Kris]

You sound so much like me when Kris an I first starting dating. He had a lot of girls who were friends and he had never dated anyone before me. But he got to see these girls every day, he would talk with them on Facebook/Myspace a lot. They would post on his wall and he would post on theirs. When I got my new phone and finally texted him (I had been obsessing about getting this phone for weeks) I told him to 'guess who' and he said 'Rachel?' -_- I dealt with jealousy over these girls for months, not fully being able to be happy with Kris because I always thought 'I bet he's talking to her again...' or something of the sort. I even had a dream about one of them my jealousy was so bad! I finally just sat down one day and said 'I really need to tell you something'. I told him about how I knew he would never cheat on me, but that it did make me a little jealous of all his friends because they got to see him and I didn't. And then one day I came to the realization that, even though he can see them everyday, even though he's been friends with them longer, even though they may be prettier than me (Which I really do think, that added to the jealousy) That he chose me. Me who lives so far away. Which means that he has to love me. And that I'm the only one who thinks about cuddling with, yadda yadda. I'm here for you, I know eactly what you're going through, but it can work out. I promise. It'll be hard, but you can do it!

[Tanja]

You just have to trust him, that's all you can do.

[lunamea]

I understand you, because my husband and I have similar views. It's not that we think women and men can't be friends, but we 're both not comfortable with the other having friends of the opposite sex, or at least not that kinds of friends that you meet one-on-one. Luckily, both our closer friends are not of the opposite sex, so it's not that big of a problem, but I think my hb and me are rather the exception from the rule. Chances are that 98% of all guys will have female friends, so I think it's rather something you have to learn to deal with. It's no reason to hate yourself, a lot of people feel that way...
I guess it's a tightrope walk to find a balance between giving him the freedom he needs but also telling him what makes you uncomfortable and what you can't deal with. You should try to find a compromise and build your trust in him.

[Lumos]

Oh, boy. Me and my boyfriend are both super jealous people. Not because I think he would cheat on me, because I know he would never do that to me. We just like to monopolize each other's time. However, our jealousy isn't limited to just friends of the opposite sex (though for me that definitely makes it stronger). I get jealous when he hangs out with his guy friends too. He even gets jealous when I'm hanging out with my family :P

I know it's irrational, and I do want him to hang out with his friends and have a life, but I can't help getting jealous when he's spending time with other people. I ended up telling him how I felt one time, and found out he had the same problem. That's made it a lot easier. Since I know he gets jealous, I can make sure I take steps to make him feel better, and he does the same.. We even have a codeword for jealousy :P (though we usually only use it when we're joking around and not when we're actually jealous).

I've found the best ways to keep myself from being overwhelmed by jealousy is to keep myself busy whenever my boyfriend is hanging out with people. Also, we text a lot even when we're out with friends, and it feels good to know that he's thinking about me even when he's with other people. It also makes me feel more involved when he keeps me updated on what he's doing throughout the day. I try to avoid texting/talking to other people while I'm talking to him, and make sure to tell him who it is and what they want if I do.

Lastly, when I'm jealous it really helps if I think about all of the things my boyfriend does that shows that he loves me. And that at the end of the day, he'll come home, so we can fall asleep on Skype together

[lunamea]

However, our jealousy isn't limited to just friends of the opposite sex (though for me that definitely makes it stronger). I get jealous when he hangs out with his guy friends too. He even gets jealous when I'm hanging out with my family :P

Oh, yeah, I do that, too! I'm really the worst when it comes to jealousy/envy and I really feel bad for my husband. You're so lucky that your boyfriend is the same way - my husband isn't and therefore thinks I'm crazy! Now that we're LD, I guess it's still within reason, but I even get that way when we live together... I guess texting is a good way to keep you involved, that's true, but I'm not sure my hb would settle for that... to him, it might feel like I wanted to control him, I guess (apart from the fact that he hates texting ).

Lastly, when I'm jealous it really helps if I think about all of the things my boyfriend does that shows that he loves me.

That's always a great idea. I've been thinking of recording our MSN conversations or printing out everything cute he's ever written and plastering it on the wall next to me or something, so I'll see it all the time. I just need that constant reminder, I guess, and at the same time, I wouldn't want him to say such special things everyday, as it wouldn't be special anymore then...

[Zephii]

Hmmm..

Obi used to have jealousy of my male friends for the same reasons you do. Not that he thought I'd actually do anything with them, he knew I wouldn't, but the jealousy was still the same, perhaps because that traditional potential was there..
Then I explained something to him:
I'm Bi. I'm potentially attracted to any human that breathes if gender was the only filter. If I were to stop being friends with anyone I might potentially leave him for, I'd have no friends at all. I told him that I'm just as likely to leave him for a girl and so there's no reason for him to be biassed against my male friends. It helped him come around a bit.

See, the point of this is, he isn't with you for your gender - he's with you, for YOU. Everything that makes you who you are. And at the end of the day, you recieve the deepest and most important of his affections. - Not his friends.
People don't want to date a gender, they date a personality.

Perhaps talking to a councilor about this might help?

The other thing you can do is have a very uncomfortable conversation with your SO. There are a couple of Obi's friends I am jealous of and wish he would never ever contact again. I do feel threatened by them and he knows it, but we have a rule that we wont choose each other's friends. But I do ask of him to only visit with these people in public places, not at our home nor at theirs, and preferably in groups when possible. Perhaps you can strike a compromise like this also, but seeming it'd be with all his friends, it's unlikely imo.

I hope you can resolve this xx

[lilhockenut]

My SO is a girl and shes talks with tons of guys and at first I was jealous and sometimes I get jealous for a little but I get over it easily because I have complete trust in her and thats the best thing to have if you get jealous easily.

[Lumos]

My SO is a girl and shes talks with tons of guys and at first I was jealous and sometimes I get jealous for a little but I get over it easily because I have complete trust in her and thats the best thing to have if you get jealous easily.

For some people jealousy isn't a trust issue. I know my boyfriend would never cheat on me, but I still get jealous because he's spending time with other people.

Oh, yeah, I do that, too! I'm really the worst when it comes to jealousy/envy and I really feel bad for my husband. You're so lucky that your boyfriend is the same way - my husband isn't and therefore thinks I'm crazy! Now that we're LD, I guess it's still within reason, but I even get that way when we live together... I guess texting is a good way to keep you involved, that's true, but I'm not sure my hb would settle for that... to him, it might feel like I wanted to control him, I guess (apart from the fact that he hates texting ).

Haha. Never thought of it that way. I guess I am pretty lucky that my boyfriend has the same problem. The jealousy part always makes me feel really bad, but we get jealous so ridiculously easy that we usually have a good laugh about it later. :P

I think if my SO didn't understand, I would try to explain that know what he's doing make me feel more involved in his life even when I can't be there personally. And make sure he know it is not an issue of trust. I basically know where my boyfriend is 24/7, not because I constantly ask him, but he takes the time to keep me informed on what's going on his life. It feels really nice because knowing more about what he does every day makes me feel connected to him even though I can't be with him. Though I guess if your husband hates texting, he'd probably find it annoying anyway.