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    Should I tell him?

    I'll try and not make this a horribly long post but give enough detail to understand the situation. But please help me if you have any advice.

    When I was 16, I had an emotional affair with a married man.

    Before we continue on, the definition of "emotional affair" I think should be made clear. I can't even really remember when it started. He worked at the hospital that I volunteered at for 4 years (my father works at the hospital also and knows this man very well). How I noticed it is too much to post at the moment. We were basically very close friends, and acted with distinct inappropriate attention to each other. We relied on each other and expected things out of each other that we shouldn't. We hung around each other at gatherings and lingered too long when we passed each other in the hallway. Nothing physically happened, but there were times where it definitely could have. It lasted about 5 months, and then he moved where his family was (they had already moved away due to the marital problems).

    That was over 3 years ago. It took me until about a month ago to finally admit it to myself. I'm a part of a woman's group, where the basis of the study is the truth. It shined light on guilt and fear that I had been carrying since that time. At first, I never wanted to even allow myself to accept that that's what it was. I told myself it was some girlish fantasy, that we were just friends, he's a good man and wouldn't do that to his family, even that those things only happen to really hot girls. But I finally was able to own up to the truth that something really wrong occurred, and it wasn't only my fault. In fact, this post here is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about it.

    After this realization, I see now how much this has shaped who I am. My deep fear to be alone with men (this showed itself severely in my last relationship), the way I hold people at an emotional distance even though I'm a very open person, how I view myself as an individual. I felt very much like I was running from intimate connections with people, like I was such a terrible person that I didn't deserve to be looked at. I felt ugly. Somewhat, I still do.

    I've been thinking about telling my SO David about this. I'm not sure if it's necessary or not. It is a part of me, but does it fall into the category of things "he just doesn't need to know"? I'm also a little scared of what he might say. I know he'll still love me, and won't hold it against me. But I also don't want it to change things between us. For a guy who's only had one girlfriend before me, this would be a pretty big deal. I don't feel like I absolutely NEED to tell him. But should I? Would it benefit or hurt the relationship? I haven't even told my parents yet and am also debating about whether or not to say anything to them.

    I would really love advice and opinions. I still get emotional thinking about it - how long I've let this go without ever really facing it. What should I do?

    #2
    Because it affected your emotional development so much, I think it would be appropriate to tell him. It will help him understand you better. The worth of that will mean more than if he got a little upset that you connected in such a way with that man in the past. Besides, sharing deep secrets with people tends to bring you even closer to them.

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      #3
      I do agree with Laura that because it's had such a profound effect on you and may even effect how you're around your SO, what you're willing to do, etc he deserves to be told. I don't think he'd be bothered by what caused you to be distant with others, especially men and may even want to help you in any way he can. If it does bother him, well you guys can get through it together because honestly I see this as something that on the outside is not very scandalous or taboo or what have you with the inside being an issue that needs time and help. But, that's me.

      EDIT: And this may be too personal, but I know how you feel. It took me 13 years to admit I was abused and that's why I was scared of men and being touched by anyone. The time it takes to take the first step isn't important. It's the time you use to help fix it that is.

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        #4
        thats up to you if you wanna tell him, but i defiantly would he's most likely gonna love you even more for your honesty

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          #5
          If it were me, I would tell him. Like Laura said, it was an important part of your emotional development. And it may make you guys feel closer when you share something like this.
          My SO and I have both shared secrets that we weren't sure how the other person would react and those were really positive experiences.

          And good for you for exploring such an emotional issue deeper within yourself. That takes courage.

          Comment


            #6
            I think the defining factor is how much is this affecting your life. If it's making definite marks and you can see it, he deserves to know why you have certain fears or hang-ups, if they're relationship breakers. Otherwise, if they're not breakers and you're dealing with it (and I hope you'll talk to a therapist, my dear), then it's up to you whether you want to talk about it or deal with it alone.

            I will say any guy who judges you based on what your 16 year old self did, while being pressured by an older man (because consenting or not, you were a teenager at the time and he knew what he was doing was wrong), is a guy not worth having.


            LFAD Book Challenge: 34/100 Complete

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              #7
              I think you should definitely tell him, especially since it's something that might affect your relationship with him!

              Lead into like "Hey David, there's something that's been bothering me for a while now and I know you're a great listener so I was wondering if you would be okay to hear me out?"

              Or something... Just recently I asked my SO how many woman he'd been with. The number I got certainly shocked me. BUT it doesn't change my feelings towards him, and I'm glad I know. In fact I'm happier now that I know more about him.

              Let it out, you'll feel better.

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                #8
                If it has affected you this much, you need to tell him. It will help him understand why you are who you are better, just think if he had had a similair experience would you want him to tell you? He deserves to know. My SO and I had to tell each other pretty bad things, but we're definitely stronger for it.
                However i'm not sure if you should tell your parents, it depends on the type of relationship you have with them.


                Your absence has not taught me how to be alone, it merely has shown that when together we cast a single shadow on the wall. ~ Doug Fetherling

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                  #9
                  You have to tell him! Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship even if what you did was sinful.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by The Love Machine View Post
                    You have to tell him! Honesty is one of the most important things in a relationship even if what you did was sinful.
                    I don't think this was an appropriate thing to say.

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                      #11
                      Originally posted by mllebamako View Post
                      I don't think this was an appropriate thing to say.
                      I agree, who said what she did was 'sinful'??


                      Your absence has not taught me how to be alone, it merely has shown that when together we cast a single shadow on the wall. ~ Doug Fetherling

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                        #12
                        You know your heart. You truly sound like quite the woman. At your age I admire how much you have come in touch with yourself. I mean that sincerely. What happened when you were 16 clearly had impact on you according to what you said...so if you feel that you need to share something with David..I truly woud...it will take your relationship to a different level.
                        NY to Texas Married on...August 17th, 2013

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                          #13
                          I'd tell him. He'll be able to support you and help you through it. There should be nothing you can't share with him. Let him be there to hold your emotions and let you heal. It's so much easier if there's someone you can turn to who will protect you at your most vulnerable.
                          *Big comfort hugs*
                          Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Originally posted by holdinghands View Post
                            I agree, who said what she did was 'sinful'??
                            Giving The Love Machine the benefit of the doubt, maybe they meant honesty is always the best policy in general and wasn't implying that the OP was sinful in her situation.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              It seems to me that this event did affect your life in some way and you're finally really realizing the truth. If you want to talk to your SO about it then you can but if you'd prefer not to then it's up to you.

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