Should I tell him?
I'll try and not make this a horribly long post but give enough detail to understand the situation. But please help me if you have any advice.
When I was 16, I had an emotional affair with a married man.
Before we continue on, the definition of "emotional affair" I think should be made clear. I can't even really remember when it started. He worked at the hospital that I volunteered at for 4 years (my father works at the hospital also and knows this man very well). How I noticed it is too much to post at the moment. We were basically very close friends, and acted with distinct inappropriate attention to each other. We relied on each other and expected things out of each other that we shouldn't. We hung around each other at gatherings and lingered too long when we passed each other in the hallway. Nothing physically happened, but there were times where it definitely could have. It lasted about 5 months, and then he moved where his family was (they had already moved away due to the marital problems).
That was over 3 years ago. It took me until about a month ago to finally admit it to myself. I'm a part of a woman's group, where the basis of the study is the truth. It shined light on guilt and fear that I had been carrying since that time. At first, I never wanted to even allow myself to accept that that's what it was. I told myself it was some girlish fantasy, that we were just friends, he's a good man and wouldn't do that to his family, even that those things only happen to really hot girls. But I finally was able to own up to the truth that something really wrong occurred, and it wasn't only my fault. In fact, this post here is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about it.
After this realization, I see now how much this has shaped who I am. My deep fear to be alone with men (this showed itself severely in my last relationship), the way I hold people at an emotional distance even though I'm a very open person, how I view myself as an individual. I felt very much like I was running from intimate connections with people, like I was such a terrible person that I didn't deserve to be looked at. I felt ugly. Somewhat, I still do.
I've been thinking about telling my SO David about this. I'm not sure if it's necessary or not. It is a part of me, but does it fall into the category of things "he just doesn't need to know"? I'm also a little scared of what he might say. I know he'll still love me, and won't hold it against me. But I also don't want it to change things between us. For a guy who's only had one girlfriend before me, this would be a pretty big deal. I don't feel like I absolutely NEED to tell him. But should I? Would it benefit or hurt the relationship? I haven't even told my parents yet and am also debating about whether or not to say anything to them.
I would really love advice and opinions. I still get emotional thinking about it - how long I've let this go without ever really facing it. What should I do?
When I was 16, I had an emotional affair with a married man.
Before we continue on, the definition of "emotional affair" I think should be made clear. I can't even really remember when it started. He worked at the hospital that I volunteered at for 4 years (my father works at the hospital also and knows this man very well). How I noticed it is too much to post at the moment. We were basically very close friends, and acted with distinct inappropriate attention to each other. We relied on each other and expected things out of each other that we shouldn't. We hung around each other at gatherings and lingered too long when we passed each other in the hallway. Nothing physically happened, but there were times where it definitely could have. It lasted about 5 months, and then he moved where his family was (they had already moved away due to the marital problems).
That was over 3 years ago. It took me until about a month ago to finally admit it to myself. I'm a part of a woman's group, where the basis of the study is the truth. It shined light on guilt and fear that I had been carrying since that time. At first, I never wanted to even allow myself to accept that that's what it was. I told myself it was some girlish fantasy, that we were just friends, he's a good man and wouldn't do that to his family, even that those things only happen to really hot girls. But I finally was able to own up to the truth that something really wrong occurred, and it wasn't only my fault. In fact, this post here is the first time I've ever spoken to anyone about it.
After this realization, I see now how much this has shaped who I am. My deep fear to be alone with men (this showed itself severely in my last relationship), the way I hold people at an emotional distance even though I'm a very open person, how I view myself as an individual. I felt very much like I was running from intimate connections with people, like I was such a terrible person that I didn't deserve to be looked at. I felt ugly. Somewhat, I still do.
I've been thinking about telling my SO David about this. I'm not sure if it's necessary or not. It is a part of me, but does it fall into the category of things "he just doesn't need to know"? I'm also a little scared of what he might say. I know he'll still love me, and won't hold it against me. But I also don't want it to change things between us. For a guy who's only had one girlfriend before me, this would be a pretty big deal. I don't feel like I absolutely NEED to tell him. But should I? Would it benefit or hurt the relationship? I haven't even told my parents yet and am also debating about whether or not to say anything to them.
I would really love advice and opinions. I still get emotional thinking about it - how long I've let this go without ever really facing it. What should I do?
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