Should I tell him?

[FireflyGal]

Like many people here, my personal opinion is to share it. I've really seen my relationship with my SO deepen as we've learned to trust each other with some of our deepest, most profound secrets. It can be tough, and the understanding that comes after is sometimes a bit slow to dawn, but I know that in my situation, it has really helped us trust each other more, know each other more deeply, and rely on each other without hesitation.

Also, I applaud you for your courage and honesty, and coming to terms with something that happened in your life that might not be one of your favorite memories. This takes a lot of maturity and a lot of bravery. Way to go! Also, I urge you to seek some help--not necessarily clinical or professional--but from someone you trust (a mentor, friend, someone who shares your faith or beliefs or values), who can help you realize who you are despite the things that have happened to you or the things you have done.

Finally, and this makes me sound really old (and I'm only 23, but hey, whatever)....sometimes it is hard to realize that even though, at 16, we are able to choose things for ourselves and we are able to consent intellectually, we are still minors. Even if we consent to something or engage willingly in something, it is the responsibility of the adults around us to make sure that they are not contributing to our making decisions that we might later regret. At 16, we should be able to trust those around us to help us make positive choices and decisions, not ones that will negatively impact our growth, our self-esteem, and our future relationships.

I hurt for you and I wish I had a magic wand to help with the confusion and the mess of feelings these things cause--I know how tough it is to way whether or not to share these life-altering experiences. As it is, know you've got a solid support here, and that I (like many of my fellow LFADers, I know!) have you in my thoughts and prayers.

[LadyMarchHare]

Giving The Love Machine the benefit of the doubt, maybe they meant honesty is always the best policy in general and wasn't implying that the OP was sinful in her situation.

No offense but I'm not sure how you got that from that last bit as I believe, going by the avatar and signature, that was Faith talking more than anything. It may not have been the purest situation as nothing is entirely pure these days, but it could have led to worse things and the OP regrets what happened and is hurt by it. I think the label 'sinful' makes it sound like she regrets nothing. But, that's my two cents on that.

[MoonWatcher]

Actually, what The Love Machine wrote is not offensive to me. It's kind of what I was implying without actually saying it aloud. I'm also a person of deep faith, and I do believe that in our society these days we pass things off that we've done wrong as "that's just the way I am" or "it's what the world dealt me" or pointing fingers or whatever, when what we need to be doing is taking responsibility and accept it for what it is and move on. That being said, I know that on my part of the relationship it was a sin because I should have ended it when I realized what was happening, but did not. But I also believe in a loving God who is ready and willing to forgive and that grace covers all. It's how I was able to personally deal with this situation (the study I'm in is a Bible study). But that's also my two cents on it. (But, just so you know Love Machine, I wouldn't just go around posting "you did a sin" when someone obviously knows they've done so. There are much better ways of saying it and showing empathy without marking yourself. You don't want to put on a holier-than-thou persona if you want to express your faith and help others in a way that people will listen and not balk because you sound like a priest. I say this in a loving way, and also looking at myself.)

Thank you to everyone who posted, it really put my mind at ease. I've decided that I will tell him, but I'd really rather it be in person rather then on Skype. That's as much for just being able to physically grieve together as much as anything else, because I'm a very expressive person that way. And I'm at a point now where, like Silviar put it, where it's not really making visible marks in my life other then my own inner feelings. I'm still able to function on a regular basis and am good with waiting on it. But I will be talking with a close friend about it soon once she has time, because as others have said, I feel I do need to tell someone. I think it will help certain healing parts begin that I wouldn't be able to start on my own.

Again, thank you all for your openness and caring The impact of the truth that it was as much HIS fault as it was mine, if not more so, and that I didn't bring it upon myself or ask for it has been profound. I know those are simple truths, but once you have those lies placed in your head for so long, you really believe them. That's why it's so important to have others around you who can reveal these things to you when you're blinded by guilt, shame, pain, anxiety, etc.

[Casey]

I think you should definitely tell him - a)it may help him understand why you do certain things (otherwise he could blame himself or think there is something "wrong" with the relationship) b)he will probably appreciate the honesty and c) as someone else has already said - if your man is going to judge you because of something you did at age 16, he's not worth having - i think telling him would be a very strong gauge of his personality and his commitment to you (obviously this is not the only reason to tell him, and it would probably be wrong to tell him based on just this one point).