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**hxcbreakdance** · November 15, 2010, 03:48 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I do not believe the once a cheater always a cheater thing, people make mistakes and I think some people can learn from it and grow while others will just keep doing it. I would also forgive my SO if he ever did that to me, we have hit lots of bumps in the road before that were my fault but he always stuck by me and I would do the same for him, if it became an excessive thing I would definitely start questioning it but if it was something that happened once I would move on and stay with him.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not? It would take a long time but for the most part I do think it can be overcome but there will be times that you would be reminded of it or worried.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.) I think that anything that someone would do in there relationship should not be done with other people. Flirting of any kind in my opinion seems wrong and I wouldn't like it but I don't know if I would call it cheating if there was no physical contact and some people are just naturally flirty. But kissing, or anything physical with someone to me is cheating.

**squiddie** · November 15, 2010, 03:51 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I think it would have to be over. For the amount of time that we have been long distance, and for it to happen now, I would be severely disappointed, because I know he can control himself. I don't accept "I was drunk" as an excuse. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I wouldn't be able to trust him. And without trust, there is no relationship.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
No! Again, it's all about trust. If I can't trust him to keep his hands to himself, then why bother? Trust is like a tube of toothpaste...once you squeeze it all out, you can't get it back in again.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
If you're moving beyond the realm of flirting and into making overtures, then yeah, that's cheating. So, anything physical. Hugging is cool, hand-holding or anything beyond I'm not okay with. I don't mind a little flirting as long as he makes it known he has a girlfriend, and that he's unavailable. (I do the same.) I believe flirting has its place--it boosts self-confidence, for all parties involved. As long as you're not indicating that you want to do more than flirt, I see no problem. I don't care if he texts or IMs other women. He has female friends, and I don't own him. He knows where the line is.

**Trethsparr** · November 15, 2010, 04:10 PM

This is an interesting thread and these are good questions to consider. Thanks for posting it!

In regards to the statement "Once a cheater, always a cheater," I don't always think that's the case. I do believe that a person can legitimately see the error in his or her actions and resolve to live differently in the future. As well, however, I do believe in the message behind "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior" and my trust in him would always have moments of doubt from that point on. And that doubt is only a natural response to being hurt that way.

Cheating is a subject that's weighed heavily on my mind over the years, for sure. When I was in high school, I had an ex cheat on me by sleeping with a girl from his work. There aren't adequate words to describe the pain that results from those actions. Even before it happened, I've held the belief that if one really feels like they're going to cheat or have to cheat (for whatever reason), then they should end the relationship that they are currently in. Or, at least, that's the courtesy I would prefer to have extended to me. Yes, it will hurt terribly to be broken up with, but I'd much rather have that happen then find out that my SO went out on me when we were together. There's something scarring about being cheated on that makes it difficult to trust in subsequent relationships, in my experience.

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up? It would be extremely upsetting to me (understatement of the millennia) if my SO were to cheat on me, but I would eventually forgive him. However, our relationship would be over from that time forward. This may sound harsh, but my SO and I agree that cheating is an automatic relationship-ender (in fact, he first told me that he could not stay in a relationship where his partner was unfaithful to him). We both know that if one of us cheats, the relationship will end, so it's a big motivating factor for us to avoid it by any means necessary. Our ability to trust each other is huge. And as we've semi-seriously joked, we don't share. :P

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not? Yes. We stay away from alcohol and other inhibition-lowering substances to minimize intoxication. From the beginning, we've seriously talked about our desire to avoid giving cause toward making the other jealous in our interactions with opposite-sex friends. He has had close female friends in his life, and I male, but we're both trying to closely monitor our familiarity with them because my SO and I love each other and don't want to feel insecure. I, since I've had the experience of being cheated on, felt pretty uneasy when I began my relationship with my SO (which at times I regretted my actions towards him, because he has truly never given me cause to feel so), but he has shown his commitment to helping me feel secure over time.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.) It is my firm belief that cheating occurs on an emotional/intellectual level before it moves toward the physical. First, thoughts of straying have to be entertained before they become action. Therefore, I take extra care in what I think about when I look at or think of other men, and my SO does in regards to women. As well, I don't want to run the risk of being tempted with an emotional affair by sharing parts of myself that I reserve only for Phillip. However, we only individually know where our hearts are at, so we avoid intentionally flirting or crossing physical boundaries (things "couples" do: holding hands, kissing, anything more than a brief hug). In the end, though, I do trust him to do the right thing with me, so I don't feel a need to peer over his shoulder or invade his privacy. That's one of the things I so appreciate about him.

**Puramu** · November 15, 2010, 04:26 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I would be able to forgive my SO. It's hard to just let them go over one little mistake. If it happened multiple times then yes, there may be a problem. Once a cheater always a cheater may be true for some I suppose, but I personally don't believe in it. People make mistakes, I've done it...three times dammit >_< but if they're serious, then they will know what has to be done and quit the crap.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
Yes, of course. We've done it before. It takes a while to get the trust back, but eventually it can come back and things can be better than before.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
Of course anything on the physical level. I can't really think of anything else, my SO really has no female friends and I'm actually trying to ENCOURAGE him to get some ^^;

**Caitlin2009** · November 15, 2010, 04:36 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up? I would forgive her and be friends with her, be with her like we are now if she did that to me no way it would break my heart but i had enough of that in my last relationship i dont want it again, and yeah i believe once a cheater always a cheater for 97% of people who do it

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not? anything but cheating you can always work through, may cause alot of tears and yelling but you can work through just about anything

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.) anything that goes beyond a simple kiss on the lips and hugging, if someone does something beyond those things its defiantly cheating!

**LadyMarchHare** · November 15, 2010, 04:50 PM

Cheating can either be a one time occurrence, a sick habit, or the idea that it's alright to have several people on a string. Everyone's different.

If my SO cheated on me, that'd be it. I have trust issues and being LD, it would be near impossible for me to trust him ever again and I would be so paranoid that I'd simply end up ruining the relationship anyway. He could plead it was a mistake, a one time thing, but it takes just one bullet to kill a man if you know where to shoot it. Maybe that makes me a weak person, I don't really care. The trust would be gone and I would ruin myself emotionally wondering if it'll happen again and I'd just end up making him mad. There wouldn't be a settling down period or probably even a forgiveness period.

To me, cheating is of course both physical and can be emotional. Like if he's getting way too friendly online with someone and I'm not the only one picking up 'come hither' vibes, then that to me is cheating. Flirting's a debate because there's such thing as fake flirting, friend flirting, and then the "take me now" flirting. I wouldn't encourage any of it, but if it's not leading someone on then I couldn't call it cheating and just let it be. Basically if there's any way I can feel like my stance as girlfriend is being compromised, that's cheating.

**Yorkshire Girl** · November 15, 2010, 05:28 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?

I don't think I would be able to forgive him if he cheated on me. I wouldn't give up entirely but I wouldnt be able to forget what he had done.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
I dont think I would be able to overcome these obstacles. There was obviously something not right in the first place for him to want to go with someone else. If he is with me I expect him to be faithful to me, anything other than faithful and it questions my importance to him and his love for me. I wouldnt be able to trust him ever again as the doubts would always be in the back of mind my, and evetually this would end our relationship on its own.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
In my opinion cheating is cheating. Anything intimate whether its physical or over the internet/ mobiles/ phones is on the level of cheating. I know I sound kinda harsh but I have been on the receiving end of cheating with my previous partner and its the most humiliating, demoralising thing a person can do. And if my SO did that to me I wouldnt be able to forgive him for it. I expect him to respect me as I respect him.

**ratlet** · November 15, 2010, 06:04 PM

Interesting post...

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I think that 'once a cheater, always a cheater' may apply to most people but it depends very largely on the situation. It would depend on what level of cheating it was; a one night stand, a fling, or another relationship behind my back. It would depend on if it was hidden from me for a length of time or brought to light straight away. It would depend on how the person reacted to what they had done; whether they take responsibility and opt to change, or whether they come up with a thousand excuses to justify their actions. So yes, I have forgiven before, but it was a very thin thread that had all the above taken deep into thought.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
I think it's about the people in the relationship. If the people are strong enough, and their relationship is strong enough, both parties will always try for each other. It's not something solved quickly though.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
Flirting and everything that comes after that.

**Zephii** · November 15, 2010, 07:14 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I've cheated on an Ex before. So I know that the "once a cheater always a cheater" thing is complete bullshit. Like anything, each situation should be judged on it's own. It's not a black and white issue, imo.
If Obi cheated on me, it would really depend on what kind of cheating, when, with who, why, etc. I'd only forgive once though, if at all. There's no three strike rule with cheating.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not? I'm unsure if I think you ever truly can overcome these types of situations because although I have forgiven my SO for the mistakes he has made and I've tried to see past them..sometimes they pop up again

I'm not sure. I'd like to believe it's possible, yes.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
Having an affair - a long term romantic/sexual relationship with a person who is not part of the primary relationship.
A fling - Having casual sex with a random person once. And by "sex" I'm including oral, anal, and strap-on sex too.
Emotionally or intellectually cheating - Having an emotional romantic/sexual relationship with someone not part of the primary relationship. This mainly consists of having a LD or internet lover whom you don't actually get physical with. Cyber sex, phone sex and cam sex, sexual role play and having strong romantic love feelings for someone other than your SO fall into this category for me.

There are other smaller types of cheating, like a random drunken kiss at a party, that I'd be furious over but would be able to forgive.

**Bluestars** · November 15, 2010, 07:27 PM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I don't necessarily believe in the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." I do believe that people can make mistakes. For instance, two teachers at my sister's high school recently got fired (well one of them resigned and the other was fired) for having an affair with each other. Both of them were married, and the woman had three children. I was talking to my mom about it, and she said that the man probably wouldn't have done it if he would have thought about the consequences of his actions. And she made a good point. There is a good chance he would never make that mistake again. He is now getting divorced, and his life probably sucks right now. Not saying that he won't cheat again, but it is an example of how people make mistakes.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
It depends on the person and the situation....Honestly, I do not know what I would do in the situation if it arose, and I hope that it never will. Like others have said, my trust would be shattered, and the question is whether it could ever be regained. I have serious trust issues to begin with, so although I would like to say that I MIGHT give once chance, I cannot guarantee that. I would probably break up with him so that I could deal with the issue. If he really cared for me then he would try his darnedest to win me back--which would take a lot of waiting on his part. Thinking about it breaks my heart though....

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
There are different kinds of cheating (and I think I might even have a differing opinion on these than my SO). If you are flirting with someone and beginning to have feelings for them, then you need to remove yourself from the situation because that might cross a VERY fine line. Sex, obviously, but also kissing, holding hands, hugging (with feelings, not just any friend). Then there is emotional cheating, which is harder to define but it definitely exists. All of these things have a different severity.

**sabby64** · November 16, 2010, 02:19 AM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?

I'd be able to forgive them, because behind cheating there's always a bigger problem, and usually something that can be fixed. I've cheated before in the past, and I still regret it to this day, but I've learned from it and now I know that there was a problem I should have talked about with my boyfriend before going down that path. I know what it's like, and I'd be willing to forgive him (provided he doesn't do it again)

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?

I think you can, with enough effort on both sides. It will probably take a long time, but I think pretty much every problem can be overcome if both sides really want to.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)

Kissing, sexting, actual sex, and having another relationship with someone else either irl or on the internet. Flirting and hugs are fine, I do it all the time, it's just a confidence boost. :P But anything past that is just no. My ex was going out with some girl he met on FB for 3 months before moving to be with her, I wish I had caught it sooner so I could have let him go right away. I think once is alright, it brings up things that need to be talked about, but anything after that is too far for me.

**Luisina** · November 16, 2010, 05:37 AM

If your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
Forgive him? I seriously doubt it.. I doubt I'd even be able to speak to him.. it sounds harsh, but I'd definitely need to break it off and stay away from him for a while..

I had my first boyfriend cheat on me, and though I'll rather not admit it, it does affect my current relationship, now almost 7 years later (gah, stupid ex! *shaking angry fist*) It's just all so vivid.. the situation.. my thoughts.. my feelings.. I remember it all like it was yesterday... and I'd rather chew off my left arm than relive that scenario again!!

This is the first time I've allowed myself to really fall for someone since then.. and my BF has been subjected to the "...my dad and his hunting rifle would LOVE to get their hands on you.... AFTER I'm done introducing your intimate parts to a pair of hedge shears.."-talk..
Not even kidding.. - well, maybe a little.. haha! but I DID tell him, and, while backing away slooooowly with an anxious facial expression, he assured me that the message was clear

The worst part is that the infidelity happened during a one-week vacation away.... ONE.. week...
And now, I'm in a LDR and my guy will be gone for..... how many weeks? 28?

�
To be fair, I'm not worried.. he's NEVER given me ANY reason to be...... but the little voice inside my head sometimes just WON'T shut up....

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
No... I do not.. I've got enough insecurity problems as it is... I wouldn't need another reminder of my supposed inadequacy in my life.. Cause all I'd think about when I saw him would be the scenario.. some girl's hands all over him.. him smiling, kissing her the way he used to kiss me....
He wouldn't feel like my boyfriend anymore...

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
Wandering hands, heavy flirting, kissing, sexting and naturally: any type of sex... emotional cheating does indeed exist but it's harder to define... it's something you pick up from the situation..

**NaNi** · November 17, 2010, 09:21 AM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I really don't know. I would be terribly hurt and all my insecurities would come back, but... I also don't want to imagine my life without my SO. I guess it would have to depend on the situation. Although I don't like thinking about it. I'm hoping for the best and I know that my SO loves me.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
I don't know about this either. I would like to hope so though. It would definitely take a lot of time. And patience.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.)
Flirting, cybersex, phone sex, webcam sex... I also wouldn't like seeing my SO grinding against a guy/girl on the dance floor. So yeah, everything really. Because I think that you should only do those things with your partner.

**stacyrose** · November 17, 2010, 11:09 AM

So I guess what I'm asking is if your SO cheated on you would you be able to forgive them and eventually move on/grow from it. Or would you believe this saying that once a cheater always a cheater and give up?
I used to believe in that saying too, but now from my own experience, I know it goes much deeper than that and no, I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. There are some exceptions and its not a black and white issue. I know from experience because my boyfriend had actually kissed another girl while we were together (this happened a few months ago) and as hurt as I was, I was able to forgive him and move beyond it. It wasn't worth losing him over.

Do you think you can ever truly overcome those obstacles in your relationship why or why not?
You might call me crazy, but what my SO did to me is now a long and distant memory. At the time it was horrible and I was hurt by it, but honestly it's never really come up again and I haven't thought another thought or cried another tear over it. Why waste energy on it? I understand most of the time it is unforgivable and leaves scars on the relationship...but in my own personal case it was a very different story and we were both able to heal and move on.

Also, what do you consider cheating? (In specific words.) Sex and kissing. Cheating to me is physical, and I can sooner forgive my man for cheating in a physical way such as a meaningless one night stand than I could if he suddenly got emotionally attached to another girl. That would be the breaking point for me. Harmless flirting is just that; harmless flirting. I'm not talking about obnoxious over the top flirting, but I won't put a ball and chain on his ankle and snap at him if he even looks at other girls. In my opinion it just makes you look insecure and if you really have a solid relationship and he is with you at the end of the day then none of that stuff should matter. I know that he is mine and that I am his...he'll make a comment about some chicks boobs and I'll mention the hot guy in my dance company with the hot abs lol. Stupid things like that are childish and really don't matter in the long run.

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Once A Cheater, Always A Cheater?

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