in need of cheerin up.

[aggie]

I didn't want to bring any bad vibes over valentine's day and i still feel crap for doing it today, when everyone should still be happy and excited about yesterday...

I'm struggling though. It is still 45 days till I see him and it seems like forever...

First of all, I am being stupid, stupid, stupid. Because I keep sending him texts and messages and videos and what-not. To which he doesn't reply. Well... We are technically not totally back together. The incident that happened isn't exactly 'forgive and forget', but him telling me he thinks he wants to be with me and that he loves me, made me want to take things right back to what they were 'before'. Na-huh. Not a good idea. And i know that. I know that thousands of messages may push him away. Again. I know that, yet i still keep doing so... And the lack of replies makes me feel hopeless. And incredibly sad.
Obviously, I'd like him to forgive and forget. Just like that. And I probably got way over excited when he said he'd like to see me... (to the point, I started making a list of the things we are gonna do, just like we did the last time... and sent it to him. a bit too forward). I just can't stop myself. I wanna be there, with him so badly...
It may be that he also said he needs to see the effort, he needs to see that's really what i want. And apart from booking my flights in the middle of my uni year, what can i do? Any suggestions?
So i feel sad. Actually, I haven't felt that sad in ages. I felt angry and frustrated... but not sad.
And the worst part is... I can't even ring him and tell him - hey, im feeling sad... because that could only push him away - even when things were okay, my calls when i was down made him feel helpless and were bringing him down...
And when I see his quoting our songs in his statuses... well, that only makes me want to talk to him even more...

And second thing is ... I am being majorly jealous. I always have been. But now it's just horrible. I hate seeing the increasing number of his photos on fb, none of which i can see... because they are all hidden in someone's private albums. And even though I have no proof of that whatsoever, I am always scared they may be HER photos (HER profile is set as private, and im not friends with her). Even though, there's heaps of people who could tag a pic of him... I still let myself get paranoid. Even though I know, there's nothing going on between them. But i really would like to believe it. Because this fear... makes me crazy! (as you can tell from this post)

And all that makes me really depressed.
I should be studying, I have an exam tomorrow morning... But i just can't stop thinking about him.

I don't know what I'd like to hear from you guys. I really don't... But I had to tell someone about it and all my friends, don't really understand (i hate hearing from people 'just give it up')
I don't know if what i'm feeling is love. I don't know WHY i want to be with HIM so badly.
But there must be something.... ;/

Oh, my mood may be very swingy. I am on hormonal pills this week and the next and it may be the reason why i am soo ... weird.

Sorry for the messy post, i feel a little better now.
No, not really. Or maybe.

[ioanna]

i have already read your other posts, and even if i didn't reply, i truly feel for you, you are going through a really rough time... i dont really have any advice to give, except trying to focus the best you can on your studies; this is not something to be taken lightly... i know how hard it is to try and let go of something when all you want is have loads of it, and the only thing i can come up with is to keep yourself occupied.. sure enough time will pass and you'll be face to face again : )
courage, and break a leg!

[Kitty]

Edit: Oooh, I was slow at typing. What ioanna said is good too!
Well....I'm not sure what to write to all of that. I couldn't imagine taking hormonal pills since I've already got enough ups and downs in my emotions....it's kind of like anti-depressants. I stay away from them no matter how bad I get because oh I don't know that little WARNING that side-effects may INCLUDE increase in suicidal thoughts...well let me think about that Sherlock: I have problems with depression, would I like to take an anti-depressant that can increase suicidal thoughts? NO!
So in a way I kind of get the swingy/moody thing.
Ok so I'm just not good at the cheering up part....I guess the question is, do you trust him? If you do then believe him when he says he wants to be with you, tone down on the stuff you think might drive him away. You don't have to stop sending things completely just try to limit yourself to a reasonable amount. If he wants to be with you then there is no reson to get jealous (believe me I KNOW this is harder then just saying). Venting (such as a post like this or a blog...or even a private diary/journal you keep to yourself) usually does help to relieve stress and such. Try talking to someone you're close to that can give you an unbiased ear and/or opinion. For me, I love talking to my cousin. She rocks and doesn't make me feel down about trying to make an LDR work and gives me good advice and listens to me when I am being paranoid and then reassures me everything will work out just fine. And I'm sure it will for you too.

[aggie]

thank you girls. it is really helpful, i think a good word from the outside was what i needed.
after couple of months of the conflict the friends' opinions become sort of boring and not as convincing if you know what i mean...

[Taija]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I don't really know what to say to help you, just try to hang in there. 1˝ months will pass faster than you think, and I'm sure you'll be able to sort things out better when you're together in person.

And like Kitty said, talking and ranting about your feelings might really help, whether it's here or in a blog or a journal or the ear of a friend. The responses aren't as important as letting your feelings out and putting your thoughts in order, instead of letting them dwell inside your head.

[Sarah M]

I understand where you're at with the wanting to communicate all the time. I've done that to Matt before. It was a hard time and I relied on him heavily. I always felt guilty for that, but then I realised there was nothing wrong in doing it! Facebook can be such a detrimental thing. There are always going to be people on there you don't like. I'm not sure if it's better to be able to see them, or not to. I had to block two people because I couldn't stop spooking their profiles. They had been horrible to me and I was making things worse for myself by looking. It was awful.

...So I understand it's hard seeing photos tagged of him, but you not being able to see them. I'm sorry that's happening. But you've either got to try and not care, or trust him... Is either of those possible?

There is no logical reason for why you want to be with him. You're attracted to him and that's your prerogative. Your friends will stick by you through thick and thin, so don't worry. And venting to us is better, because you get so much more advice, and so varied!

Don't be sorry for the post! And I hope your exam went okay.

[aggie]

I know, blogging can be helpful, but i already have 4 different types of blogs and im still seeking people that know something about my situation i.e. how hard it is to trust someone who is far, far away.
So thank you for the responses, I really really really appreciate that and I do feel better today, even though the number of his tagged photos have increased by 4 since yesterday... ; /

@ Sarah, it is so good to know that i'm not the only one who's gone through this... makes me feel less like paranoid-stupid-13-year-old. I do trust him and I talk myself not to care... but it's still hard to stop the thoughts coming to my mind.

Thank you girls sooo much. boy, the pills made me so emotional, i am feeling touched by all the responses.
People like you make the world a better place!

[Sarah M]

I know exactly what you mean. Ban yourself from Facebook, maybe? Until you learn to stop looking? That works, too... You're not silly and paranoid. It's reasonable to want to know.

Good luck. Keep on keeping on!

[Kitty]

@ Sarah, it is so good to know that i'm not the only one who's gone through this... makes me feel less like paranoid-stupid-13-year-old.

Ok so I don't know if this will help cheer you up but this part of your post reminded me of something I read yesterday at the library in a book called 33 Things Every Girl Should Know: Stories, Songs, Poems And Small Talk by 33 Extraordinary Women edited by Tonya Bolden.
There was a story in it that said something along the lines of: What everyone doesn't tell you is that when you turn eleven you are also ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one...So it's ok if you sit in your mom's lap. That's the five-year old you. It's ok if you cry like you are three. Maybe you feel three today.

I know that isn't verbatim and I most likely screwed a few words up but that is pretty much what it says in the beginning of the story.

[ioanna]

kitty, that quote is wonderful! so sweet and touching, and so often true!

[Mio]

Sorry to hear you feel so bad! I really hope the situation works for the best! Best wishes, and when you less expect it you'll be with him!

[aggie]

Thank you, Mio! I really hope so! I wish i could just turn off my brain for the next 44days. it gets sickening.

@ Kitty, this is an amazing quote. To learn that however is a bit harder.... It's like we know we have the right to, the reasons to, behave some ways. Yet we feel bad doing it.
I usually don't care and I am the person that goes to a playground, rolls down the hill, runs with bare feet in the rain... i like the child inside me. And I don't believe in "you're too old for that. You're such a kid"
I think everyone has the kid inside them still, just not many are not afraid to admit it.

But this, checking his profile and facebook stalking him and writing all these messages seems to be taking a bit of my dignity, and independency. I wish i didn't care that much as to what he's doing and who with.

hey, actually... right now, the quote made me think that maybe it's not stupid. maybe i have the right to. it's just the crazy ideas in my head that i need to get rid of. for my own sake. THANKS! x


this forum is amazing.

[lunamea]

I can see where you're coming from with the "stalkerish" behavior... when I was really unsure of where my husband and me were going last semester, something as simple as our home phone bill being higher than usual would send me into fits of jealousy! Originally, my hb and I could check each other's banking accounts online, but it always ended with me wondering what he spent the money on etc., so we agreed that it's better not to be able to check everything. My guess is that, even if you could see the photos and they'd be regular, friendly photos for everyone else, you'd still find something in there that would make you jealous and not ease your mind. Sometimes you just have to push these thoughts away and restrain yourself from even looking, as big as the temptation might be, because you'll go crazy otherwise.

I hope it cheers you up when I tell you that, ever since I went to visit my hb and we worked everything out and get along great again, I have no desire to check up on him and it's much easier to push away these automatic negative thoughts that creep into your mind as soon as they don't respond or are not as nice as usual etc. It's much easier to trust when you're happy and feel secure about your relationship. Duh. :P So, I think, it's only a matter of hanging in there for you, too - I'm pretty sure, as soon as you've settled everything in person and you feel really loved again, these nagging doubts will go away.

[Kitty]

Thanks, I'm glad the quote helped

[Sarah M]

There was a story in it that said something along the lines of: What everyone doesn't tell you is that when you turn eleven you are also ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one...So it's ok if you sit in your mom's lap. That's the five-year old you. It's ok if you cry like you are three. Maybe you feel three today.

That's the best thing I've ever heard!