Absence makes the heart grow... distant?

[LadyMarchHare]

So most folks here know my SO and I get to talk maybe once every three weeks, inbetween the occasional text, due to his job. The other night we were able to spend most of the day talking and he asked if he was losing me. Naturally this surprised me and I asked why he thought that. His reply was "lack of time (together) could come off as a lack of devotion."

Basically his thought train was because we don't talk all the time, he believed I thought he didn't love me as much. Naturally his concerns were for naught, but it made me wonder what others thought.

So let's say the time you and your SO spend talking in whatever form gets cut in half. If you spend 6 hours a day talking, it gets cut to 3. If you talk every day, cut it to every other day or every two days. Would you feel the lack of time makes you distant, emotionally? Would you begin to wander away or feel them wandering? What would you do?

[Rosebud]

Honestly, it would depend on the reasons. A few months back when my bf was working for Disneyworld his time talking to me was much more limited than it is now. It was difficult for me to adjust but that was when we started talking on the phone for the very first time and I knew he was very busy yet still thinking of me. The same happened when he moved again and our communication time was lowered as I knew he was preoccupied with other important things and could not get online. For me if I know he's getting pounded down with work or school or family, then I know (as difficult as it is for me to do) that I have to take the backseat and let him deal with those things first and I would never 'wander' in such a circumstance and I know he wouldn't either.

However, if the reasons that our communication was cut back so severely was for something else, then yes, I would start to get upset. His friends, like my own, have all moved away for school so when they visit it's no big deal to me that he's going to be gone a couple days to hang out with them. But say his friends were still living in the same town as him and he could see them all the time, and let's say our time together was being lowered because he was constantly choosing them over me. Now that's a different type of situation where I would feel as though he was wandering away from me and I would become antsy. I'm not saying he can't go out and have other friends or hobbies or do things for recreation and sometimes our communication IS cut in half because of it. But I think you're asking what if it was like that continuously in which case I know I wouldn't adjust to it well.

On a final note though, unless our communication time was super severly cut down, even in the situation I just mentioned above, I'm pretty sur my boy would still talk it out with me when he knew I was becoming upset over it and like everything else, we would adjust. The only time I could see us NOT adjusting is if he were cutting me out to hang out with another girl, but that's sort of a different situation.

[britt0851]

This past month me and my SO have had a ton of things going on, so we haven't talked or spent much time together. This time it's made us miss each other more and brought us closer together. However, there are times when distance does the opposite and it makes us distant. So for us, it just depends on the reasons why we're not able to talk as much, as to how it makes us feel.

[Caitlin2009]

well Denise doesnt have the internet at the moment and when we first started talking it would be all day then it had to be cut to a few hours when she went to live with her parents, now unless she has free weekends its down to an hour a day before bed time with a few texts in between, and no i dont feel distant from her at all i think its made us stronger because i dont like talking on the phone too much but i have no choice now if i wanna stay in touch with her.

[NikkiP]

When he was here last weekend he told me that since he was getting ready to move down here that he was going to need to make it a point to spend time with his friends and family because all he ever wants to do after work is come home and talk to me. I completely understood and have actually been trying to twist his arm to follow through on that although it just doesn't seem to be working. In a case like that, if I could actually get him to hang out with his friends/family 2-3 nights a week (he works late so it really means I would be asleep before he got home) I would be completely okay with it.

This weekend I've been really sick (am still laying in bed, in my stinky pajamas at 4pm) and haven't answered the phone when I'm sleeping cause I just don't feel well... The last time I talked to him I could tell that was really affecting him so I'm waiting for this Excedrin to kick in then we're going to play some Pogo.

[mllebamako]

I agree with Rosebud that it would really depend on the situation. If it were for legit reasons (work, school, etc) then fine by me. As long as he still made some time for me and he was still acting the same with me.
If he was just cutting down because he was sick of talking to me or too lazy or something...then that's a different story

We talk 30 minutes a day right now....so 15 minutes a day wouldn't be too bad of a change.

[London-FortCollins]

Agreed - situation dependent.

Like my SO went away for the weekend and had no reception or internet access (I just LOVE the mountains for those reasons!) or next week I have my friend down for a few days. So our conversation time in situations like that is hugely affected but its few and far between.

If our regular communication was severed I dont think I would feel myself wandering, it would just make everything so much harder. And in the back of my mind I'd be wondering what he was doing and wishing I could share in it.

But as long as we knew when we would next be able to talk and still schedule in time for decent "dates" I think we'd be ok.

Although as you say Rosebud if time was shortened because he was with another girl - even a friend - that would indeed be a whole other discussion. As it would if it was reversed and it were due to me spending a lot of time with a guy.

[Silviar]

It completely depends on the reasons for me. If/when our time to talk gets cut due to my SO getting a job, then I'm not going to love him any less - I'm going to appreciate what he's doing for our relationship and so we can close the distance.

If he was doing it just because, it would concern me and I'd have to see if there was a reason... then yes, it would probably affect us.

[Èternity]

This is what is happening to us at the moment. His work is on 'turnaround' where you work 13hrs for 13 days straight then one day off for maybe the next 6 months. By the time he looks after the kids and himself and gets things ready for the morning, there is just a few minutes before he goes to sleep where we catch up. I have come to hate it and it's not even me working it. I know we aren't distant in reality but it surely feels like we are half a world apart instead of like we used to be. Did I say I hate it?

[LadyMarchHare]

Honestly, it would depend on the reasons. A few months back when my bf was working for Disneyworld his time talking to me was much more limited than it is now. It was difficult for me to adjust but that was when we started talking on the phone for the very first time and I knew he was very busy yet still thinking of me. The same happened when he moved again and our communication time was lowered as I knew he was preoccupied with other important things and could not get online. For me if I know he's getting pounded down with work or school or family, then I know (as difficult as it is for me to do) that I have to take the backseat and let him deal with those things first and I would never 'wander' in such a circumstance and I know he wouldn't either.

However, if the reasons that our communication was cut back so severely was for something else, then yes, I would start to get upset. His friends, like my own, have all moved away for school so when they visit it's no big deal to me that he's going to be gone a couple days to hang out with them. But say his friends were still living in the same town as him and he could see them all the time, and let's say our time together was being lowered because he was constantly choosing them over me. Now that's a different type of situation where I would feel as though he was wandering away from me and I would become antsy. I'm not saying he can't go out and have other friends or hobbies or do things for recreation and sometimes our communication IS cut in half because of it. But I think you're asking what if it was like that continuously in which case I know I wouldn't adjust to it well.

On a final note though, unless our communication time was super severly cut down, even in the situation I just mentioned above, I'm pretty sur my boy would still talk it out with me when he knew I was becoming upset over it and like everything else, we would adjust. The only time I could see us NOT adjusting is if he were cutting me out to hang out with another girl, but that's sort of a different situation.

Fantastic answer!

You're right in bringing up the different circumstances subject. But even so, I've witnessed some people on here take in situations we find the logical version of communication cuts, and treat them like the illogical ones. They automatically assume it's for an asinine reason and don't stop to think about work or life getting in the way, so that was also a part of my question was sort of regardless of the reasons why, how would you treat it?

[lucybelle]

My SO and I do not have a set time that we talk with each other. In fact, most of the time we don't talk but chat. I call him occasionally (once a month maybe).

There actually was a time when our communication was cut back pretty drastically. He was real busy with a lot of things in his life, but it still didn't sit with me very well. Since we don't have a "set time" to chat, I would come home from work and sit on my computer waiting for him to sign on. One day, I was feeling exceptionally lonely and really wanting to talk with him since I hadn't for more than a week (no emails or anything). That day he actually got on, but could only talk for a few minutes, when I needed so much more. That night I lost it. I sent him this long email saying all sorts of things. (excerpt: I don't get to hug you and kiss you. I don't get to see you. I don't even get to talk to you in person. What the hell is that? Maybe getting to talk? MAYBE?! Are you really okay with that for another 2 years? I'm not. I'm not okay with being lonely.) Some of it was sort of mean and I felt bad about it the next day.

But in the end, that email made him decide to close the distance with me a lot sooner than we had discussed before. He said he felt bad that I was so sad. And after that email we usually get to talk for a few minutes every day. There are some days where we miss each other, some days where we can chat for an hour, some days where we can only talk for a few seconds, but I'll make sure not to let myself get to that point of melt down again!

[London-FortCollins]

so that was also a part of my question was sort of regardless of the reasons why, how would you treat it?

The same way as everything else in a LDR - communication.

lucybelle you totally had it spot on.

I don't get to hug you and kiss you. I don't get to see you. I don't even get to talk to you in person. What the hell is that? Maybe getting to talk? MAYBE?! Are you really okay with that for another 2 years? I'm not. I'm not okay with being lonely.

In a LDR all you have is the time you talk and the effort NEEDS to be put in. Even if work schedules/life etc is crazy and conflicting schedules means you cant actually have a long conversation every day - find other ways. A quick email or PM when you get in from work for them to see when they wake up "I miss you, I thought about you all day - at least this is the first thing you'll see when you wake up" Or something.

Me and my SO try and always ensure the other one has a "Good morning" message on FB, then even if we arn't able to talk we have something during the day.

And plan and commit to a decent length conversation or webchat akin to a "date" as often and as regularly as your schedules allow. Once a week or once a month with at least an hour or so of just you two.

At the end of the day if you were CD if most couples cant manage one small slot of time for just the two of them it isnt really going to last, and even less so if your LD.

[paulawriteslove]

It completely depends on the reasons. But I don't think it would affect us that much, but I love talking to him...so it would be hard. But I would get use to it

[LadyMarchHare]

My SO and I do not have a set time that we talk with each other. In fact, most of the time we don't talk but chat. I call him occasionally (once a month maybe).

There actually was a time when our communication was cut back pretty drastically. He was real busy with a lot of things in his life, but it still didn't sit with me very well. Since we don't have a "set time" to chat, I would come home from work and sit on my computer waiting for him to sign on. One day, I was feeling exceptionally lonely and really wanting to talk with him since I hadn't for more than a week (no emails or anything). That day he actually got on, but could only talk for a few minutes, when I needed so much more. That night I lost it. I sent him this long email saying all sorts of things. (excerpt: I don't get to hug you and kiss you. I don't get to see you. I don't even get to talk to you in person. What the hell is that? Maybe getting to talk? MAYBE?! Are you really okay with that for another 2 years? I'm not. I'm not okay with being lonely.) Some of it was sort of mean and I felt bad about it the next day.

But in the end, that email made him decide to close the distance with me a lot sooner than we had discussed before. He said he felt bad that I was so sad. And after that email we usually get to talk for a few minutes every day. There are some days where we miss each other, some days where we can chat for an hour, some days where we can only talk for a few seconds, but I'll make sure not to let myself get to that point of melt down again!

I'm in the same situation you described (no set times for chatting, going on maybes and chances, constantly waiting) but to me it doesn't spark anger or the need for long e-mails about what you said. I get sad, but I get over it, which is why I asked the question because I know others aren't like me, others will have other reactions. I'm glad something positive came out the email though and you know where your limits are as far as communication.

At the end of the day if you were CD if most couples cant manage one small slot of time for just the two of them it isnt really going to last, and even less so if your LD.

Depends on the situation. Some people have jobs that keep them away from their SOs, their families, etc and give them no time to where you're either initiating contact that won't/can't respond or you get very little. If it's all legitimate as Rosebud said, you can just suck it up and put on your big girl panties because at the end of the day they can't help being away. It's like those guys with families who are truck drivers, airport pilots, important businessmen, in active duty. They can't help having no time but they love their families all the same and vice versa. So just because there's no time and you CAN'T make time doesn't mean it can't last.

[MissShortie]

Honestly, it would depend on the reasons. A few months back when my bf was working for Disneyworld his time talking to me was much more limited than it is now. It was difficult for me to adjust but that was when we started talking on the phone for the very first time and I knew he was very busy yet still thinking of me. The same happened when he moved again and our communication time was lowered as I knew he was preoccupied with other important things and could not get online. For me if I know he's getting pounded down with work or school or family, then I know (as difficult as it is for me to do) that I have to take the backseat and let him deal with those things first and I would never 'wander' in such a circumstance and I know he wouldn't either.

However, if the reasons that our communication was cut back so severely was for something else, then yes, I would start to get upset. His friends, like my own, have all moved away for school so when they visit it's no big deal to me that he's going to be gone a couple days to hang out with them. But say his friends were still living in the same town as him and he could see them all the time, and let's say our time together was being lowered because he was constantly choosing them over me. Now that's a different type of situation where I would feel as though he was wandering away from me and I would become antsy. I'm not saying he can't go out and have other friends or hobbies or do things for recreation and sometimes our communication IS cut in half because of it. But I think you're asking what if it was like that continuously in which case I know I wouldn't adjust to it well.

On a final note though, unless our communication time was super severly cut down, even in the situation I just mentioned above, I'm pretty sur my boy would still talk it out with me when he knew I was becoming upset over it and like everything else, we would adjust. The only time I could see us NOT adjusting is if he were cutting me out to hang out with another girl, but that's sort of a different situation.

You took the words right out of my mouth!