Scared of wedding bells??

[ettie]

Some of you may remember my very first (probably only post so far) was about ideas for a dress to my boy´s sister wedding in a beach. The wedding is by the end of march and I still have no dress but several options, thanks to a lot of your ideas. Anyway, two days ago I went to make up my mind and walk into the store were I saw two that I liked the most. The lady comes to me (same lady that has seen me two times already because I had to come several times hahahah and asks what I need, so for the third time I say "I am looking for a dress to wear to a wedding on the beach" and as I was about to continue explaining I have seen a couple and would like to try them on she pulls me to the back of the store and says I only have two options because of the fabric mosts dresses are made of, they are white bride dresses!!! I have no clue what face I made but I obviously made one because she felt like apologizing for over 100 times and it occured to me, I am scared of the whole ceremony, white dress, rings and priest thing, not to say the f*ing paper that ties me to someone else for the rest of my existence on this earth!!! I love my boy and I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I dont need the ceremony to say it for me, or a paper to hang on my wall?
I am sure that after living together for a some years I will want it like nothing else (because everytime someone mentions a wedding...most of my friends.....I make a noise like nostalgic) but for right now it scares me to death!!

So my question, anyone else feels like this or I am a crazy person???

Oh! and about the dress I tried the two I liked and one was too short for me and the other was black and I remembered I asked Matias and he said his mom is really traditional in the sense of wearing black to a wedding. So back to were I was

[punkpain]

I had a freakout after getting engaged. The idea of ME... ME of all people.. walking down an aisle and saying I do in front of a bunch of strangers scared the crap outta me. not to mention i dont have a close knit family and i know not many ppl would come. so i spazzed and said i didnt want to get married. thankfully my fiance calmed me down and helped me realize that I do want to get married. you dont have to have a huge ceremony. each couple has alot more say so than i was thinking about. And in reality a wedding doesnt have to be a huge ordeal. it can be a simple gathering in a backyard with everyday clothes or a large gathering with a dress that costs thousands. no matter the choice us who have these thoughts and feelings sometimes have to take a step back and go... OH YEAH.

[lunamea]

That's so funny, because actually, the opposite happened to me when I got married - I walked into the store with my friend and said "I need something for a wedding" and the lady suggested a pantsuit and other stuff that's not really suitable for the bride, I guess (even though we didn't get married in a church or had a big ceremony). I looked at her funny, too, until my friend stepped in and said emphatically "It's *her* wedding."

I am scared of the whole ceremony, white dress, rings and priest thing, not to say the f*ing paper that ties me to someone else for the rest of my existence on this earth!!! I love my boy and I am sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I dont need the ceremony to say it for me, or a paper to hang on my wall?

I'll just give you my secular take on this: First, if you're committed to the relationship, it doesn't "tie you down" in anyway at all. Second of all, I don't like this "till death do us apart" thing. To me, saying things like that always feel like inviting bad luck or something? I guess I'm superstitious, but I feel like I promise something I cannot possibly promise, so that makes it kind of a lie. My husband and I had nothing like that in our wedding, but as I said, we're of different denominations and are both not religious, so there's the difference, I think. What we promised each other is to stick together and try to make it work.
And I couldn't agree more with you - the certificate and ring don't mean anything. My husband and I actually didn't wear our rings for some time (his had become too small because I fattened him up in the first few months after the wedding LOL and so I didn't wear mine either until we got new ones), but I like to wear it as a symbol, a reminder that he loves me and that we want to stay together.

Oh, and I also didn't do the white dress... I actually had a mix of white and black that I really liked. I guess you could consider ours a "poor" wedding... there were not a lot of people and we only went to a restaurant afterwards, but it's still unforgettable.

And I agree on an all-black dress being not really suitable for a wedding - my grandmother did that at our wedding... I guess it was her silent protest or something (she also didn't smile on a single photo *sigh*). But then again, my hb's brother-in-law wore jeans and I wanted to strangle him right then and there! Good memories!

Anyway, if I could do it again (or we'd renew our "vows"), I would want it to be just the two of us (and the minister or whoever does the thing ). It might sound strange, but I always thought that was the most romantic thing ever... somewhere in nature, like a beach or something, and just the couple. I think it takes away so much of the hassle and "spectacle", which are aspects that many people like about weddings, but I don't. I just saw part of a show on TV where they rate people's weddings in terms of how good the food was, the atmosphere/decoration etc.?!?! That is totally forgetting what the whole thing is about!
I also hate the idea of the wedding-eve party, that is just the stupidest thing ever! Bride and groom getting fighting drunk and maybe even cheating on the night before the wedding?? Not a good idea! My mom's first husband was so hung-over from the party the night before that he had to go puke several times at the wedding (after exchanging vows, but still)!

So, yeah, I think the whole wedding-thing is overrated and gets hyped up too much. To me, there's no difference between a committed couple living together and a married couple. I almost feel bad saying to other people that I'm married, because they think it's SUCH a big thing. I'm not saying that it's something trivial or to be taken lightly (worst thing ever: Las Vegas weddings!) but people look at me like I'm 40 and ultra-conservative when I say I'm married...

[garnet]

I'm not saying that it's something trivial or to be taken lightly (worst thing ever: Las Vegas weddings!) but people look at me like I'm 40 and ultra-conservative when I say I'm married... [/COLOR]

Maybe I am misunderstanding you here... but my first wedding was in Las Vegas, and I assure you it wasn't taken lightly or as a joke. Some people do go there to have fun with their day... but others, like my ex husband and I had a perfectly lovely just the two of us elopement in a tiny chapel. We lived in Kansas and took a road trip. It was special to us. We were married 11 years, so it really wasn't some drunken britney moment.

[Tanja]

When I was still together with my ex the thought of getting married to him just made me panic, literatully. I've never wanted to get married and even though we were engaged I always knew we'd break up..

He even once said to me getting married is stupid cause it'll just make the break up more difficult! Also I started dating him when I was very young and I've never seen a couple who'll stick together from teenagers to grandparents lol, it's quite the opposite in here tbh and that thought was always at the back of my mind for the whole 8+ years we were together.

I thought I really loved him but now that I look back at it it was nothing like what Andy and I have now and I've turned around completely and wanna get married to him more than anything, it doesn't feel scary at all and I just can't wait for the day when I get to say I do

I guess I've just been waiting for my Mr Right and now I've found him ♥

[Mio]

Since I was a child, I used to have nightmares about marrying a man I didn't love, and that before saying I do I had a panic attack and ran away. I really don't understand why at such a short age and so repetitively I had those nightmares. Well, the thing is that I am the type of person that hates pressure, I hate to feel trap, I hate to feel watched up. I need my space and freedom.

In my life I've only had 3 relationships (including my current one), they were all long and serious. But with the 2 first men I could never see me in the future married to them, it literally gave me arrhythmia (I'm an anxious person), I could not commit with those men forever.

But now, I am engaged, and getting married in June. With my boy Stephan I feel that the love we share is so strong that we could live forever together. In this relationship I have the space to be myself, and I have no anxiety about getting married and being committed to each other. I really want to marry him, because he is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. We are not getting married to show off to people or to be like the rest of the people, we are doing it because we love each other. We are both traditional, and we are also Christians. But I know that people with different points of view about life, religion, God, etc get married too. I guess is just a matter of the situation. What's most important is the promise you make each other that day, to love in all situations.

I know, I am not a dreamer and problems will come, differences, etc, but if you are both committed you can work it out!

[lunamea]

Maybe I am misunderstanding you here... but my first wedding was in Las Vegas, and I assure you it wasn't taken lightly or as a joke. Some people do go there to have fun with their day... but others, like my ex husband and I had a perfectly lovely just the two of us elopement in a tiny chapel. We lived in Kansas and took a road trip. It was special to us. We were married 11 years, so it really wasn't some drunken britney moment.

Oh, yeah, I was talking about the stereotypical spontaneous, drunk Vegas wedding. I meant no offense to anyone who really went there with the intention of getting married. As I said, I think a "just the two of us" wedding is so romantic and I kinda envy you that you got to do that.

[Mio]

We are having a small ceremony too, only our family at the beach where we got engaged.

[ettie]

.... so much of the hassle and "spectacle", which are aspects that many people like about weddings, but I don't. I just saw part of a show on TV where they rate people's weddings in terms of how good the food was, the atmosphere/decoration etc.?!?! That is totally forgetting what the whole thing is about!
So, yeah, I think the whole wedding-thing is overrated and gets hyped up too much. To me, there's no difference between a committed couple living together and a married couple. I almost feel bad saying to other people that I'm married, because they think it's SUCH a big thing.

This is exactly what I mean, it seems the whole wedding thing is for everyone but the couple......... That is what I am scared of, not the marriage (which is to me is the same as living together because I wouldnt move in with someone unless I feel is for good) but the ceremony, making it a show! Needing proof that we love each other

Anyway, if I could do it again (or we'd renew our "vows"), I would want it to be just the two of us (and the minister or whoever does the thing ). It might sound strange, but I always thought that was the most romantic thing ever... somewhere in nature, like a beach or something, and just the couple.

Similar to my dream wedding (yes I guess I have one ) just the two us exchanging rings and vows (only thing I do like) in our bedroom....better if we just wake up! (I love the way he looks when he just wake up

[ettie]

We are not getting married to show off to people or to be like the rest of the people, we are doing it because we love each other. We are both traditional, and we are also Christians. But I know that people with different points of view about life, religion, God, etc get married too. I guess is just a matter of the situation. What's most important is the promise you make each other that day, to love in all situations.

I guess is all about cultural differences, you say you are Christian and that is how you were raised. Its an important thing to you, and you are not making it a show but a true love gathering with just the people you both care about. Did I say CONGRATULATIONS!!!! by the way?

I was born to a couple that had a big castle wedding and that appeared in the newspaper but was miserable after some years in marriage. I grew up with them acting as strangers to each other in the house but lovely couple when out (my father was public figure) I use to hate it, and I guess that raised me to not believe in it. Oh! I was never good at plays or anything in school, I hate having spotlight on me :S

[Mio]

That is a shame, and I'm sorry to hear you had such a sad perspective about marriage since you were a child!! That surely made a big impression on you. And I totally I agree with you, those big weddings (I mean not all of course) but a lot of people are just for the party and not for what really is, the union of 2 persons that love each other.

But never forget that you are not your parents, and only because they were like that it doesn't mean you will be the same, as you have conscience about the matter.

Best wishes and lots of hugs!

[Rach321]

I go back and forth between wanting a wedding where we can invite the people we feel closest to to just wanting to have a small ceremony, the two of us and perhaps a witness or two, in a beautiful place that has meaning to us. There is a part of weddings that I believe can be an important start to a marriage- you are sharing your love with those people who will be there to support that union through the rest of your time together as a married couple (parents, siblings, closest friends, etc.). It's a way for a couple to show that they want those people they invite to their wedding to know that they are important in their lives.

But... too often, weddings get bigger and more complicated and stressful than the bride and groom expect. I have a friend who recently got married. They are a perfect couple and lived together for several years before getting married and are very, very happily married now. They had a big, beautiful wedding. It was a wonderful evening and lots of fun. But I know that for many months before the wedding, they were both really stressed out. Trying to decide how many people to invite, who to invite, how much to spend, etc. In the end, it was worth it for them because they have wonderful memories of that day and we were all able to witness the commitment they made to each other.

I'm not sure I want to do all that, but I do think I'll have trouble deciding how big of a wedding to have. Between the two of us, we have fairly large families and an even bigger network of friends. I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they are left out, but I also don't want to spend a lot of money on a single event...

Ettie, when the time is right and you know that you are ready to spend your life with your partner, I'm sure you'll know what is best for you in terms of making that commitment- But a wedding itself (as you picture it from your parents) is not at all necessary.

[Zephii]

Marriage is a tricky thing. I think about it way too much for someone in such a relativly "new" relationship. But then Obi and I don't discuss it in the way others do - he feels that it cheapens the experience and if he does ask me, he wants me to actually be surprised. (But he wants me to think about it privately, just in case haha)

I'm Wiccan, he's agnostic and our families are both Christian or Catholic, so it presents some problems because I want the ceremony to reflect my faith. I like the aspect of telling everyone including the Gods that this is the person I want to spend forever with and that I'm proud to say it, and getting married would be a big thing for me religiously, not just within our relationship.

But on a practical level I almost feel forced to say yes because it'll make the immagration stuff easier. I also know that the price for me to fly all my loved ones to Canada will be unbelieveable... The expense of an actual wedding scares me, but at the same time if I were to do it, I'd want to do it "properly" rather than compromise on everything I really want just because of the money.

Weddings are a lot of trouble!

[Taija]

I've never thought of marriage as a really important thing - if the situation was different, I honestly wouldn't mind not getting married at all. But because we live in different countries (and continents!), the easiest way for me to move to the US is via the Fiancee Visa so I'm used to the idea that we will be getting married rather early in our relationship.

I've never wanted a huge wedding, I like small and cozy ones with only the closest relatives. The only part that I'm really looking forward to is the wedding dress; I don't really care about all the flowers and arrangements, but damn, the dresses are beautiful.

It's gonna be a whole lot of hassle to bring my family across the sea though, I'm not looking forward to that. ><

[Bluestars]

I completely understand! My dad left my mom when I was ten because he said that he didn't love her anymore. Two years later, he married another woman way younger than him and now they have two babies together. My mom never went to college, so we moved 8 hrs away to live closer to her family. I had a really hard time dealing with it, and my relationship with my dad is rocky at the best of times. Ten years later, I still hold a grudge against my dad, but I am trying to get over it so that it does not sabotage my life :/

This has really affected my view of marriage. I think that today too many people get divorced just because they are not happy, when in reality they do not try to fix the problem--they just give up instead. I do not want to marry someone and then have it end twenty years later. The past ten years, I have had serious trust issues because of this, and I put up a wall to prevent others from hurting me. I had nothing to do with boys until a year ago because I thought they were all like my dad. I used to have a fear that someone would propose to me and I would end up marrying them when I really didn't want to.

However, my views on marriage changed after dating Jared, and I hope to marry him someday in the future. I trust him. His parents divorced when he was eight, and neither of us want to end up like our parents.

That being said, recently I have witnessed two other people's marriages fall apart and it brings back bad memories. I always viewed one family member's relationship with her husband as the ideal marriage. They were both like second parents to me while I grew up. However, it turns out, her husband is an alcoholic, and a few weeks ago they got in a fight and he punched her in the face.....needless to say she kicked him. She still loves him, but unless he decides to get better, they will probably break up. Also, my mom's best friend's husband just left her exactly like my dad left my mom. Sometimes it is hard not to get pessimistic about things like this, but you just have to decide that you will be different.