codependence and relationship "addiction"?

[sabby64]

I'm in the same boat I've been in school since September and still haven't managed to find any friends. I feel bad when he goes out because I'm lonely, but I cope with it. He wants me to be able to go out and have fun here, because he had a ton of fun at college and he wants me to feel better, but I was so co-dependent on my ex throughout high school that I never learned how to make friends and go out without someone else there constantly. I don't know what to do about it, I've been pretty depressed about it. I don't want to look back on my University years and have my only memories being sitting at home on my laptop, but I honestly don't know what else to do...

[Miramaid]

I'm in the same boat I've been in school since September and still haven't managed to find any friends. I feel bad when he goes out because I'm lonely, but I cope with it. He wants me to be able to go out and have fun here, because he had a ton of fun at college and he wants me to feel better, but I was so co-dependent on my ex throughout high school that I never learned how to make friends and go out without someone else there constantly. I don't know what to do about it, I've been pretty depressed about it. I don't want to look back on my University years and have my only memories being sitting at home on my laptop, but I honestly don't know what else to do...

I am the same way....Only I am 26, and not an undergrad :'( And one would think that a person my age should know better, but I do not know. And he doesnt seem to be supportive at all

[Miramaid]

So what would you think if you saw this guys? this girl is on his facebook friends list and on this dating web site

https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=500099735
https://www.plentyoffish.com/member25219211.htm

[kat4301]

Hey, I am new to this site but wanna let you know I am going through a similar experience. I cannot stand my SO going out after seeing other women and friends posting pictures of him out at the bars on their facebook. I cannot believe how differently we handle a LDR, he has certainly become less sensitive to everything and I have become hyper-sensitive. I am also not an undergrad and I know that my age hasn't seemed to change my relationship maturity when it comes to long-distance. When I cry I now get to told to "suck it up and stop crying," if I continue to cry I will get hung-up on. For me its a terrible feeling especially to know that your SO is not the one who is willing to comfort you.

[Miramaid]

i think he doesn't love me. I just do not get why he wouldn't break up with me then :'(

[Silviar]

So what would you think if you saw this guys? this girl is on his facebook friends list and on this dating web site

https://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=500099735
https://www.plentyoffish.com/member25219211.htm

I'm not a guy, but I mean, no offense, I'm sure she's a lovely lady, but how does that make her anything except a nice, interesting woman? There are many people who wouldn't look twice at me, and yet my SO scoffs at thin women and his eyes fill with love and lust when he sees my body. It doesn't matter that I think my butt/thighs could use deflating, he sees the whole package.

I'm sure it's the same for you. You may pick yourself apart (women are notorious for doing this - we're taught to), but your SO sees the whole you, and loves you for you.

[Miramaid]

I'm not a guy, but I mean, no offense, I'm sure she's a lovely lady, but how does that make her anything except a nice, interesting woman? There are many people who wouldn't look twice at me, and yet my SO scoffs at thin women and his eyes fill with love and lust when he sees my body. It doesn't matter that I think my butt/thighs could use deflating, he sees the whole package.

I'm sure it's the same for you. You may pick yourself apart (women are notorious for doing this - we're taught to), but your SO sees the whole you, and loves you for you.

I am sorry but I did not understand what you were trying to say in your comment. And why you quoted that comment of mine where there is a girl who he has on his facebook page and that same girl is on a dating web site, so I assume that is how he and her became facebook friends)? Sorry I am may be slow

[Silviar]

I am sorry but I did not understand what you were trying to say in your comment. And why you quoted that comment of mine where there is a girl who he has on his facebook page and that same girl is on a dating web site, so I assume that is how he and her became facebook friends)? Sorry I am may be slow

Ok see, there - your comment about you assume they became friends because she was on a dating site. I had no idea why you posted that to being with. I guess I wonder why you assume that they became friends on a dating site? There are many ways to make friends with someone who also puts up a dating ad. I'm facebook friends with a few people who have dating profiles. Does it matter if they did, if they're friends? There's one thing if they had a casual date and remained friends, there's some people who just have a lot of facebook friends because they collect them like beanie babies, and then there are, of course, some people who are cheaters.

It sounds like you're leading to the idea of you suspect him of cheating. Is there a good reason, or is it because you fished up this information about this person and are now suspicious because of your digging? I think you need to separate what are issues with yourself and your insecurity and what issues there are with your relationship.

My SO after we separate from being together, he goes through periods where he's just as gruff as your SO. He doesn't like to be lovey, and he shuts down for awhile. No, it's not the best way to deal with it, but for men, many of them tend to shut down and clam up. Men aren't taught to express feelings like women are, and that could just as easily be the root of your problem. If he was never taught that it's ok to express feelings, if he's of an older generation specifically that teaches "real men don't cry", then it's extra work for you in communication.

[Miramaid]

Ok see, there - your comment about you assume they became friends because she was on a dating site. I had no idea why you posted that to being with. I guess I wonder why you assume that they became friends on a dating site? There are many ways to make friends with someone who also puts up a dating ad. I'm facebook friends with a few people who have dating profiles. Does it matter if they did, if they're friends? There's one thing if they had a casual date and remained friends, there's some people who just have a lot of facebook friends because they collect them like beanie babies, and then there are, of course, some people who are cheaters.

It sounds like you're leading to the idea of you suspect him of cheating. Is there a good reason, or is it because you fished up this information about this person and are now suspicious because of your digging? I think you need to separate what are issues with yourself and your insecurity and what issues there are with your relationship.

My SO after we separate from being together, he goes through periods where he's just as gruff as your SO. He doesn't like to be lovey, and he shuts down for awhile. No, it's not the best way to deal with it, but for men, many of them tend to shut down and clam up. Men aren't taught to express feelings like women are, and that could just as easily be the root of your problem. If he was never taught that it's ok to express feelings, if he's of an older generation specifically that teaches "real men don't cry", then it's extra work for you in communication.

I know they are friends through a dating web site coz he used to have a profile on that site and we had problems about it and he was fighting for keeping it to find "friends". I know they are not college friends or anything. I know that is how he found her. I know coz there are red flags in our relationship on his part. I wrote it in my other posts...I know you gonna ask 'Why are you with him then?" Well the answer is simple: i do love him very much. And the reason I am digging is coz somehow even though we have been having many problems lately, and all and we even broke up 4 days ago and the very next day he wanted back...well i took him back coz i love him but now he is not acting in a loving and caring way, he is still distant or acts like we see each other 24/7 and have nothing to talk about but "how are u? What did u do today?"
I know I may be clingy, but if I have to explain to him that when I am lonely and miss him and crying on a phone, I need to hear comforting words, then how is it him being caring? And even after explaining that to him, he still refuses to say comforting and loving things, coz "that would be fake. THose words should come out naturally and I do not like to be forced to say them"

[Silviar]

I wouldn't begin to question why are you with him. I'm not in your shoes - only you can decide if your relationship is worth being in, and I wouldn't presume that I know better or otherwise. I'm sorry that you're having so many issues; I didn't remember your previous posts until you brought them up (lots of posts on here, and sometimes things fade with time).

Being clingy isn't necessarily a bad thing; it all depends on how you manage it. I hope that you and your SO are able to have a talk on common ground and can find a way to peacefully resolve this to your satisfaction.

[Miramaid]

Thank you Silviar. I hope things get better too even though right now it almost seems impossible.

[Moon]

"Loving, comforting words" can be different things to different people. How often do you cry to him? If its pretty often, to be honest, he may be tired of hearing it and coming up with something to say when he doesn't feel like anything is even wrong. Its been my experience that very emotional and very non-emotional people don't do well together, and it sounds like you are quite insecure in this relationship, especially with your digging into his friends list and checking it against a dating site.

My SO sucks at loving, comforting words, but he's really good at talking through these things logically and listening to me, that's just his way. I understand what your SO means by fake, mine would probably say something similar, and it just means that those words aren't the way he solves things. If that's what you need though, you might not be able to solve this difference between you, if its that important to you, and you can't be happy without it, you may have to reconsider the relationship if he isn't able to compromise to some degree. I know you love him, but unlike the tired old saying tells us, love doesn't conquer all, and with the trust issues you're having, I have to wonder why you'd put yourself through this? LDR's can be extremely hard, and they aren't for everybody, you need trust and communication for them to work, without those two things you don't have a chance. Also, sitting around staring at a computer screen while he is out living his life simply isn't healthy. You've got to find your own things to do, which will keep you distracted and less obsessive over his FB friends list, not to mention it will give you lots to talk about when you and he do speak.

Its not that he doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about him, or that he doesn't miss you, he just found ways to combat feeling like shit about it all the time, which is pretty normal and good for his mental state. Getting so wrapped up in someone that you can't do anything else isn't good, I think you need to find something else to do, even if you don't want to.