Weight loss...

[Zephii]

if she wanted a thinner partner than perhaps she should have chosen one

Sometimes people fall in love without knowing what the other person looks like

[Mizpah]

You know, after all this, i've learned a few things...

I realized that being overweight doesnt necesarily mean its a big deal. John is the guy of my dreams, granted he is overweight and I rather he wasnt but i wouldnt change him for anything in this world. We spoke yesterday since the argument we had led to a lot of issues, and hence me posting the thread to get some view points, and i learned that he's no longer taking blood preassure pills, and altho he is overweight, he is perfectly healthy.

This is all more of an issue with me. I've always been on the chubby side, altho if u see me you might not think im chubby, but where i live for some reason they put a lot more preassure on me, so i've spent my life worrying about my weight and always making sure i never pass that line of 60kgs. I also watched my sister lose control and go from being extremely beautiful, tall and thin: model-type, to extremely obese in which she would serve this huge bowls of pasta and eat them entirely.

So maybe i've just developed this thing against overweight ppl... because everything regarding that in my life has just been negative, and I reflected that on my love.

Good for you I'm glad you're analyzing WHY you feel so strongly about the issue.

What I am saying is that it's valid for her to want a thinner partner if that's what she's atteacted to.

I agree with your posts to a certain degree, but if she wanted a thinner partner than perhaps she should have chosen one, not tried to change the one she has. As stated in my original post, I can understand encouraging an unhealthy partner to make improvements for THEIR well-being, but I do not agree with encouraging/belittling a partner because of one's own insecurities or wish to fulfill some societal ideal. That's my two cents, anyway

[Zephii]

I'm nearly never offended. It's a forum *shrug* That's just my take on the other thread.

[BabyGund]

Sara - It's not touching that other thread with a ten foot pole. It's not even asking for advice, it's just a place where people can sling insults and get themselves all worked up into a frenzy which some people are going to lose sleep over no doubt. It's an interesting day on the forum today.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that every thread here needed to ask for advice. It was not my intention for anyone to sling insults, as much as to spark a debate about ideals and perceptions, brought on by the reactions and opinions offered in this thread. I apologize if it's offended you in some way.

[His_Critter]

I think you need to accept him for who is is NOW. If he has been overweight most of his life its possible he maybe be genetically predisposed to his weight. It could also be emotional. I am sure your nagging him is not helping his self esteem and is doing the reverse in giving him motivation to lose weight. To say his weight is keeping him from being perfect really bothers me, I think you need to stop being shallow and just love him how he is.

This exactly.

I had gastric bypass 18 months ago. Now I need plastic surgery. I am so afraid that if I regain weight or get too small my BF will not be happy but he accepts me where i am.

you have to accept and love a person where they are in order to let them grow when they are ready.

[Trethsparr]

I'm also saying there are underlying instinctual (is that a real word? lol)

Yep, sure is.

[Rosebud]

Zephii- Yes. I apologize. I shall attempt to bow out from both these threads now. I hadn't realized how triggering they are for me.

[Zephii]

Rosebud - I'm not saying anything here about HOW the issue should be addressed. Walking up to your SO, poking them and saying "You're a bit rolly-polly" isn't the way to deal with it and I know that. A lot of the time it's surely not what you say, but how you say it. What I am saying is that it's valid for her to want a thinner partner if that's what she's atteacted to. There are people here who have asked their partner's to gain weight for them too, because that's hot for other people. I'm saying that we can approach both situations from the same angle. I'm also saying there are underlying instinctual (is that a real word? lol) reasons why people prefer the types of partners they are attracted to and that isn't a sin.
Also, I didn't generalise. I said that for me personally I find it hard to believe. I didn't say "It's not true that fat people can be healthy." Take a deep breath and read what people say before you reply. You're fun to debate with, but you take things to heart way to much. It's a forum We're allowed to agree to disagree and all that.

Sara - It's not touching that other thread with a ten foot pole. It's not even asking for advice, it's just a place where people can sling insults and get themselves all worked up into a frenzy which some people are going to lose sleep over no doubt. It's an interesting day on the forum today.

[Moon]

You know, after all this, i've learned a few things...

I realized that being overweight doesnt necesarily mean its a big deal. John is the guy of my dreams, granted he is overweight and I rather he wasnt but i wouldnt change him for anything in this world. We spoke yesterday since the argument we had led to a lot of issues, and hence me posting the thread to get some view points, and i learned that he's no longer taking blood preassure pills, and altho he is overweight, he is perfectly healthy.

This is all more of an issue with me. I've always been on the chubby side, altho if u see me you might not think im chubby, but where i live for some reason they put a lot more preassure on me, so i've spent my life worrying about my weight and always making sure i never pass that line of 60kgs. I also watched my sister lose control and go from being extremely beautiful, tall and thin: model-type, to extremely obese in which she would serve this huge bowls of pasta and eat them entirely.

So maybe i've just developed this thing against overweight ppl... because everything regarding that in my life has just been negative, and I reflected that on my love.

Good job, that's very mature of you I think if you back off, and just love him for who he is, it may inspire him to lose the weight after all. Sometimes weight can be used as a self-defense mechanism without even realizing it, but your acceptance of him and your love for him may eventually soften him to the idea of a more fit lifestyle. Because he has you, he may not feel so defensive about it anymore, and he'll feel good about himself.

He might be a chubby guy, but he's YOUR chubby guy! Also, you could always start taking walks yourself in the evening, then start asking him if he'd like to join you (after you close the distance). Small things that are active and fun could be a great start, and would hide the exercise factor, just don't mention that part Good luck!!

[LadyMarchHare]

I agree with you, Zephii. Personally I think this thread could use being closed as she's already gotten the point and is thinking things over for herself therefore nulling further need for comments like Caitlin's or really any. We still have another thread on a related subject going that's NOT about her, so any spitballs can be taken there until it's closed too.

[Rosebud]

I think people need to stop jumping down Angelmichu's throat over this. Some people aren't attracted to overweight people and there's a good reason for that. Humans (well all animals) are wired to seek out the best possible breeding partner. At as base level, that's still what it's about - survival. So we tend towards partners that appear to us to be healthy attractive breeding partners. This is also cultural. Some cultures (particularly in poorer countries) encorage finding overweight SO's because it shows that person has a high chance of providing for their family. If everyone around you is starving, you're going to choose the partner that has the means feed your children.
In most western countries it's the other way around. It's too easy to become unhealty from being overweight, and it's hard for me personally to believe people when they say "oh I'm overweight but I'm also helathy" simply because my ex would say the same thing. Never mind that the fat that was clogging his arteries was half the reason for his impotence (Yes his doctor said that) he was fiiiine. And yes, this goes the both ways - we also tend to veer away from the unhealthily skinny partners because deep inside people feel like that partner would be less about to protect them, and for women, less able to carry a healthy child to term.

There is also a stigma that goes with being overweight. We can all harp on about not being judgemental - but the societies we are in ARE judgemental. And we are judged not only by who we are ourselves but by the people we choose to associate with and the families we are from. I'd say it's pretty normal for a person to not want to deal with that sitgma. Further more, if she's not sexually attracted to overweight people, then that can cause problems in the bedroom and undermine the relationship later on. It's a valid concern.

That's my take on it on this fine morning anyway.

Just as you should remember this is a real human we're talking about with feelings and emotions and a whole past you know nothing about in regards to his weight (just because YOU have had a bad experience with an overweight partner being unhealthy doesn't mean it's the same for everyone, generalizations much?), and that some of us go into our relatinships looking at it from more than a textbook point of view on the laws of attraction.

[Zephii]

I think people need to stop jumping down Angelmichu's throat over this. Some people aren't attracted to overweight people and there's a good reason for that. Humans (well all animals) are wired to seek out the best possible breeding partner. At as base level, that's still what it's about - survival. So we tend towards partners that appear to us to be healthy attractive breeding partners. This is also cultural. Some cultures (particularly in poorer countries) encorage finding overweight SO's because it shows that person has a high chance of providing for their family. If everyone around you is starving, you're going to choose the partner that has the means feed your children.
In most western countries it's the other way around. It's too easy to become unhealty from being overweight, and it's hard for me personally to believe people when they say "oh I'm overweight but I'm also helathy" simply because my ex would say the same thing. Never mind that the fat that was clogging his arteries was half the reason for his impotence (Yes his doctor said that) he was fiiiine. And yes, this goes the both ways - we also tend to veer away from the unhealthily skinny partners because deep inside people feel like that partner would be less about to protect them, and for women, less able to carry a healthy child to term.

There is also a stigma that goes with being overweight. We can all harp on about not being judgemental - but the societies we are in ARE judgemental. And we are judged not only by who we are ourselves but by the people we choose to associate with and the families we are from. I'd say it's pretty normal for a person to not want to deal with that sitgma. Further more, if she's not sexually attracted to overweight people, then that can cause problems in the bedroom and undermine the relationship later on. It's a valid concern.

That's my take on it on this fine morning anyway.

*raises eyebrow* why the hell should it matter if he's overweight or not, when you love a person thats the one thing that shouldnt matter to you, there personality the way they treat you, ect should be the only things that matter. Looking at his picture in your ticker thing he doesnt look over weight to me and even if he was it wouldnt matter to me!! im 220 something and Denise is skinnier then i am but she used to be almost 300 pounds and it wouldnt matter to me if she gained the weight back or not because it wouldnt change who she is and i would love her the same way i love her now!!! she doesnt care that im over weight she loves me for ME!! And if he wants to lose the weight then he will on his terms, you constantly nagging him to do so its not helping and your supposed to love him no matter what!!

[Kiara]

and i learned that he's no longer taking blood preassure pills, and altho he is overweight, he is perfectly healthy.

I think this is the most important hing: talk about health problems, make blood exams regularly, and other checks.
For the rest, even though I can perfectly understand that in our dreams, since we were young girls, our príncipe azul was not a fat guy, you have to accept the fact that he might be like this for the rest of his life. No matter how healthy you cook and how many walks you go for, changes can be little.
So, even if we all know that beauty is a temporary thing, be sure to be ready to accept his physical aspect for how he is now, and... Congratulación for the wedding!

[Mizpah]

Frankly, you need to love him for who and what he is. I can understand being concerned if his health was at risk, but I know people who eat perfectly healthy and work out and still struggle with weight. It's not as simple as choosing a carrot over a potato chip or the stairs over the elevator for some people, and it's cruel to make someone feel self-conscious (or more-so). Who is putting the pressure on for him to lose weight before the wedding? Really I hate when brides, or grooms, try to shed for the day. In fact, a lot of wedding forums have banned the topic because of how out-of-control it can get. Encourage him to be healthy, but don't pressure him to fit a societal mold his genes might have pre-dispositioned him against.